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anxiety

The Thrill of True Hope in a Holy Night

“You better watch out, you better not cry. You better not pout; I’m telling you why. Santa Claus is coming to town.”

On Christmas Eve, my sister and I would run up the steps and bang on the front door to Grandma’s house. Grandma would open the door to her warm, carefully-decorated house, and as we thawed from the wintry cold she would click her tongue and regretfully inform us that, just like every year, we had just missed Santa Claus.

We little girls knew that even if we missed him, he had brought us presents. After dinner, we would rip open our presents and enjoy the thrill and anticipation of each new box. My hope was in knowing that there were still plenty of boxes to unwrap.

All around me, cameras would flash and conversation would erupt over the latest news and the funniest jokes of the season. My family members would coo over the gifts I received.

Finally, my hands would grab the final gift under the tree. I would slowly rip off the paper, savoring the last bit of excitement of the evening. I would open the box, and the fun would be over.

With the last present opened, the party would cease. Family members would rub their eyes and call it a night. We would all hug each other, pack up our cars with new stuff, and go home.

Each year, I would go home feeling empty. Did we really wait all year just to go over Grandma’s house, open a few presents, and that’s it? After all that anticipation, I didn’t even get to meet Santa Claus.

“He’s making a list. He’s checking it twice. He’s gonna find out who’s naughty or nice. Santa Claus is coming to town.”

I did the best I could to be a good child. If I really thought about it, I didn’t know what was good or bad, and I didn’t know what Santa Claus really thought of me. I just did whatever my parents told me.

The fact that I received presents every year confirmed that I was doing something right. Still, I didn’t think a few nice presents were worth following a bunch of boring rules.

What I really wanted was some love and attention. I wanted to be noticed not just for what I did, but for who I was. I wanted a reward that satisfied me. Santa Claus could only offer me toys that made me happy for a few days.

“He sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake.  He knows when you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!” 

Someone, somewhere, was watching me. I had a perfect image to uphold. If I made a mistake, that would be the end. And that someone watching me would remember my mistake forever.

Around Christmastime, kids care if Santa Claus is watching. But ONLY during Christmastime do they care. I have never gone to the beach on a hot July day and heard a parent threaten her kids with the notion that they may not get Christmas presents.

All year round, kids need constant attention and tender loving care. They don’t need a list of rules to follow; they need a loving protector who will watch them and guide them.

At the age of twelve, I met the One who I needed. For my whole life, I had thought that this someone was like Santa Claus, waiting for me to mess up so he could stop giving me presents. I thought He was distant and that He hated me. I thought He could never love such a stupid worthless failure like me.

But I was wrong.

“O Holy Night, the stars are brightly shining. It is the night of our dear Savior’s birth.”

As a child, I knew that story of Jesus coming to Earth. That was all it was to me, a story. As I learned the Christmas story in church, I didn’t know that one day this story would change my life.

As I entered into my tween years, I tried to control my life. In the end, I developed an anxiety disorder and lost complete control of my body and the world around me. Looking back, everything was chaotic.

I tried to make sense of it all.  I tried to express how I felt. I was surrounded by people, but I was all alone.

I desperately needed help. I would sob alone in my room, looking up at the stars brightly shining in the sky, begging someone to hear my prayers.

“Long lay the world in sin and error pining, ‘til he appeared, and the soul felt its worth.”

When I was twelve, my dad dragged me to church to attend youth group with people my age. On that night, I heard the Christmas story in a way that I had never heard it before, in a way that completely transformed my life.

The story went like this: God humbly left His heavenly throne to become a small baby that would grow up and learn about human struggles. He would heal people and share about how much God loved them. He would die a death that He did not deserve so that we could have access to God again. He would rise from the dead to prove that He is stronger than death.

Jesus came to Earth to show how much He loved us, not to show how high and unattainable He was. On that night, I accepted Jesus as my Savior. My pastor taught us a prayer, and I believe God heard it.

God showed me who He really was. He cared about me and looked out for my well-being all year round. He forgave my sins, and even though I still make mistakes, he reminds me every day that He loves me too much to hold my sins against me.

After choosing to follow Him, I’ve learned that I am valuable. Since He appeared, my soul has felt its worth.

“A thrill of hope, a weary world rejoices, for yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.”

Since I made the decision to follow Jesus, each Christmas means something to me.  We exchange gifts, and I remember the most special gift I have ever received.

Instead of feeling empty, I feel complete. Instead of feeling alone, I know the ever-present God is with me. Instead of longing for more, I remember that God is everything I need.

The past broke me and made me forget my worth, but today is a new day, a new and glorious morning.

“Fall on your knees, and hear the angel voices: O night divine, O night when Christ was born.”

What if Christmas meant more than opening gifts and waiting for Santa Claus to show us whether we have been good or bad? What if God really did come to Earth? How would your life be different if you truly believed that Jesus came to this Earth to give you hope, to fill you completely and to show you your true worth?

God came to your world to show you how much He loves you. He is offering you a free gift that will satisfy your soul. You have a choice: will you accept it, or will you be content with that small thrill of anticipation year after year?


Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

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Uncategorized

Poem: Vessel

I’m an empty cup
Waiting to be filled by you
So I can feel life

I’ve tried other things
To get the comfort I need
But they are not you

Nothing is enough
Even those who promise life
Only give small drops

I have grown thirsty
I have searched for many days
For some refreshment

I’ve waited for you
Since I have a thirst for you
I’m desp’rate for you

Finally you pour
You pour until I am filled
Thanks for the blessing

It’s not over yet
This will not be the last time
I need to be filled

Your fountain flows strong
Your love will never run dry
I’ll always need you

Each day I will come
To proclaim my trust in you
And receive your love

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Uncategorized

What Waiting Means to Me

“When are you ever going to…?”

Fill in the blank.

The answer, “I’m working on it” or “I’m waiting” doesn’t work for anyone anymore. What if you are doing everything you possibly can, but you are just waiting for your goals to come to fruition?

It seems like we don’t have permission to wait anymore. We have to know exactly what we’re doing in ten years and we have to prepare for those ten years right now. And if it doesn’t work out by tomorrow, scrap the plan and make a new one. We have to compromise our desires in order to get what the world wants. It doesn’t matter if you are waiting to find a good guy (or girl); just settle and forget about your standards. It doesn’t matter if it takes several weeks to hear back from your dream job; you need money now, so take a job that makes you miserable but pays well. It doesn’t matter if it takes time to cultivate a friendship; just harden your heart and don’t make new friends.

Personally, I am very impatient while waiting. When I have to wait, my insecurities come out. What if my standards are too high? What if I’m not good enough for my dream job? What if no one likes me? What if no one shows up for me when I need someone?

When I was a child, I used to hate waiting for my mom to pick me up from school. Every day, the thought would enter my head that she wasn’t going to pick me up. I was so afraid she would forget about me. As I watched the other kids run into their mothers’ arms, I realized that the chance of my mother coming was getting smaller and smaller. However, each and every time, whether she was early, late, or on time, my mom came to get me.

To this day, whether I’m waiting for something to come in the mail or I’m waiting for my work to show fruit, that feeling still creeps up on me. How do I know what I’m waiting for will even happen? What of my hope ends in disappointment? What if I end up waiting forever?

A few months ago, for an assignment for my class, I had to spend a period of time by myself. At the end of the day, someone was going to get me. It was like being in kindergarten all over again! I waited eight hours with no cell phone, no watch, and no form of entertainment but nature. I knew someone was going to pick me up (they couldn’t just leave me there!) so I trusted that I wasn’t going to be there forever. I waited a few hours sitting on a rock.Those few hours passed by slowly and miserably. But then I realized: It’s really beautiful out here. I started to go for a walk. I examined small rocks and pine cones and truly enjoyed the nature around me. By the time my friend came to pick me up, I almost didnt want to leave. Instead of sitting angrily and impatiently, I had truly enjoyed where I had been placed.

What if waiting meant enjoying what you already have until the next thing comes?

I’m waiting for a certain job that I’ve wanted for several months. While I wait, I’m enjoying where I work now. My co-workers are so nice and encouraging, and the job itself is rewarding and interesting. I’m also researching more about the job I am waiting to get, and doing what I can to build up my chances of getting the job. I could be sitting in my room, reading a book or sleeping, but that’s not productive. Waiting doesn’t have to be sitting idly and quietly. Life is short; while it’s important to rest, there is a lot of work to do! If I didn’t have a job while I waited, I wouldn’t have money, and I wouldn’t be able to do anything!

Don’t be afraid of waiting. If you’re trusting in God, what you are waiting for will happen. Nothing placed in the hands of God is wasted. But at the same time, don’t sit idly. Be productive while you wait. Enjoy what you have. Enjoy this season of your life. Because once you’re done waiting, this season is going to be over.

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Uncategorized

What Difference Does it Make? Part 5: Education

“L’ecole?” I don’t know very much Creole, but I was able to maneuver enough French around to ask some kids if they went to school. I happened to know that they probably didn’t, since school was in session while we were interacting with the kids. But I discovered that in order to get answers, you have to ask tough questions sometimes.

Since I aspire to be an English teacher, I am passionate about children going to school. Having done much research about education around the world, I know that many countries make students pay for their education. I had to hear from the Haitian people, the Haitian children, why they were not in school.

The answers they gave me made me shake my head in amazement.

“I don’t have enough money for a notebook.” “My family cannot afford my uniform.” “I am waiting for someone to donate school supplies to me.”

In the United States, a notebook costs 50 cents. I’m sure the schools in Haiti use special notebooks, but still, they couldn’t cost that much money!

From what I gathered, the financial roadblocks to education in Haiti are: tuition, school supplies, and uniforms. I was going to put the exact amount, but all I can confidently say is that uniforms cost about $40-50, and the orphanage where we stayed had to pay $30,000 altogether for all the children’s tuition combined.

Education is costly, but it pays off.

I mentioned on Saturday that child sponsorship typically helps children get to school. I am sponsoring a girl who needs help going to school. By giving a certain amount of money a month, I am helping her pay for tuition, a meal given at school, her uniform, and school supplies. I am confident that this little girl is going to make a difference in the world someday.

Little children in Haiti are so proud of the opportunity to go to school. They would run up to me in their uniforms and show off what they learned in school that day. Their parents parade them around the village, showing that they are financially stable enough to give their kids an education. Having the chance to go to school in Haiti is a big deal.

A lot of the kids who went to school helped the members of our team who were doing construction. They counted and sorted nails and helped cut wood. These are the people who are going to make Haiti a better place. These are the people who are going to make the world a better place.

We need more people like them. And all it takes is a chance for them to go to school.

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Wisdom Wednesday

What Difference Does it Make? Part 4: Shelter

We are moving to the element of a community about which I know very little. But this topic is what inspired me to think about third world countries in a different light. This topic caused me to question whether the American, first-world way is the only acceptable way. It changed my perspective on what is necessary for survival.

In 2010, the earthquake in Haiti destroyed many homes and public buildings in Port au Prince. As a result, numerous families found residence in tents. There are currently several tent cities in Haiti, including Cite Soleil.

Because people lived in tents, there was very little protection. Many people were kidnapped, raped, and/or killed. Strong winds and pouring rain would invade the tents, making it impossible for the inhabitants to get comfortable.

Many people still live in tents. Struggling to survive, they pray for someone to intervene and help them relocate.

Our team worked in a resettlement village. Everyone living there used to live in tents, but the government asked them to move into homes. Our bumpy bus drove past the small cement buildings. We knew there was no running water. There were barely windows! How could that be considered good living?

As we talked about it, a woman who had grown up in Haiti shared her insight. Most Haitians did not know what American houses look like. Haitians do not aspire to have large mansions. Most people in Haiti just want protection. They want shelter from the heat and from the rain. These cement houses, albeit small, provided for the needs of these people.

Again, I know the least about this topic. But I want to start a conversation. What IS necessary for survival when it comes to shelter? Do we need air conditioning or heat? Do we need running water and sewage?

The concept of shelter caused me to take a step back and rethink my American values. What if the things we consider wrong or bad are actually just different? To fix Haiti, do we need to buy every Haitian family a nice house?

How can we help Haiti? Does Haiti even need our help?

Even several days after coming back from Haiti, I am still wrestling with these questions. It may take longer than I thought to answer them.

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Wisdom Wednesday

What Difference Does it Make? Part 3: Food Distribution/Cultivation

Have you ever seen pictures of kids who were so hungry that their stomachs were bloated? I honestly didn’t think those people existed…until I got to Haiti. Some children (however, not all) are severely malnourished and in need of care.

Some children have red or yellow hair to show their lack of proper nutrients.

Some children look like they are 5 or 6 when they are really 10.

But the child who broke my heart the most had a disability that could have been prevented.

On our first day in Haiti, we went to the children’s home to help feed some of the special needs kids. Most of these kids were in wheelchairs, suffering primarily from cerebral palsy. They were happy to be fed and to interact with us.

One child called me over with his bright smile. I walked over to his wheelchair and touched his hand. Suddenly, he took both of my hands and picked himself up out of the wheelchair! I didn’t expect him to stand. While holding my hands, he walked with me around the playground. When he got tired, someone helped me pick him up and put him back in his wheelchair.

In the dining area of our camp, there were bios about the special needs children at the children’s home. The bios included their birthdays, where they were found, their medical conditions, their likes and dislikes, and special informatiom about them. My eyes scanned for my new friend. When I found his bio, my eyes widened with shock. He had been found on the street. He was diagnosed with cerebral palsy…and a muscular condition due to severe malnourishment.

What my friend had could have been prevented. All he had to do was eat a little bit more than nothing, and he might have been able to walk without help.

In Haiti, we were able to distribute food. Because of the donations of generous people, we were able to buy enough rice, beans, oil, and fish to feed 639 families of 5-6 for 2-3 weeks. We also had some rice and beans left over. Each time I handed a bag to a needy family member, I was grateful that one more family was blessed.

You may be thinking, “OK, you fed 639 families. Big deal. What about the other thousands of families that need food?” Honestly, I had thought about this myself. We had handed out food from a locked church building because we knew that there were much more than 600 families out there. Even after we handed out bags, we had people crying through the windows (In English), “Hey you! Please give me food.” We had to turn our backs because we simply did not have enough resources to feed everyone.

But quickly after I thought about the hundreds of families who we were not able to feed, I realized that we used what we had to help a community. We did what we could, and that’s all that mattered.

If we all did what we could, more bellies would be full at night.

There has been a controversy about whether to simply give food to people in third world countries or teach them how to grow their own food. After seeing what I have seen in Haiti, I think that both are necessary. Where we served, the ground was rocky. It is difficult to plant anything among the desert-like soil. As a result, much of Haiti’s diet is imported food. However, organizations such as Plant With Purpose (www.plantwithpurpose.org) plant trees in areas where vegetation can be grown. According to the organization’s website, one can sponsor a village so that vegetation could be brought there.

If food is something you enjoy, think about ways to fill the stomachs of malnourished people in third world countries.

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Wisdom Wednesday

What Difference Does it Make? Part 2: Clean Water

I don’t know a feeling more uncomfortable than being thirsty. When I want water, I want it now. I’ve recently discovered that my body needs more water than I had thought. By increasing the water I drank each day, I had less headaches, less anxiety, and less stomach problems.

In Haiti, I contracted a small cold from playing with coughing toddlers all week. Thankfully I did not get sick until I was back at home. For a few days, I have had a fever, a sore throat, a runny nose, and a headache. While battling this cold, I thought about remedies. My parents would always tell me to drink lots of liquids so that I can flush the germs out of my system. It is easy to get rid of a cold here. Take a cold shower to reduce the fever. Drink water to flush out the germs. Take vitamin C to boost the immune system. Sleep. The cold should last no more than a week.

But then take water out of the equation.

I thought about the kids at the children’s home. Did they have enough water to fight their colds? What about the kids who did not have running water in their homes? What would they do if they had a cold? How would their lack of water affect their well-being?

When thinking about the most basic needs of humans for life, most will agree that water is of highest priority. However, many areas of the world do not have access to clean water. There are plenty of ways to bringing clean water in a community. Digging wells and creating water filters are popular means of sanitizing and acquiring water.

While in Haiti, we had the opportunity to see a well that took water from 200 feet below ground and provided clean water for hundreds of families. Considering that people were alive where we were, I am confident that they have access to an adequate amount and quality of water.

Several organizations work in Haiti and in other parts of the world to provide clean water to thirsty communities. Thirst Relief International (thirstrelief.org) has a wealth of information on their website about the importance of water and what they are doing to help. Their focus is specifically on providing clean water. There are other organizations such as Samaritan’s Purse and UNICEF that do not focus on clean water but include it in their programs.

Research ways you can help improve the quality of water in the world.

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Wisdom Wednesday

What Difference Does it Make? Helping Those in Need (Part 1)

I spent this past week in Port au Prince, Haiti working with a non-profit organization.  We loved kids at several orphanages, did construction, and distributed food to needy families.  This trip has raised a lot of questions in my mind about how we can help Haiti, and even if helping Haiti is beneficial to the people.  Having come back with a new perspective, I will be writing several articles about the needs that I saw, how we can help, and how effective our help will be.

Before I went to Haiti, I felt inspired to sponsor a child.  I had gone to a concert, and one of the band members talked about child sponsorship.  His message stirred a desire in my heart to research.  I found many organizations that worked in Haiti and in other countries that needed clean water, food, shelter, education, and medical care.

Going to a third world country where many children apparently needed money, I had a lot of questions.  If I give forty dollars a month to an organization, how much of that money is going to help a child?  Will the child even know that I am giving money?  Isn’t it better to support organizations that are mentoring children and teaching them rather than throwing money at them?

In Haiti, I had the privilege of staying at a children’s home.  I was happy to see that although these kids did not have parents, they were content and they were clearly loved by the workers there. After talking to some of the kids for several days, I noticed that what they really needed was attention.  The workers of the children’s home were doing an excellent job, but there were so many kids and so much work to be done that they couldn’t give every child one-on-one attention. I wondered how we could get all these children to have the attention that they need.

One of the women on my team and I made friends with the older kids.  Most of them were about thirteen years old.  We asked them their names. One young man wrote down his name on a piece of paper.  Then he wrote his last name.  I thought it was strange that, though he was an orphan, he still remembered his last name.  “This is the name of my sponsor,” he explained.  “This is her last name, and so it is my last name.”  Tears welled up in my eyes.  I tried to hold myself together in front of these teenage boys and girls.  All the teenagers at the table started to write down their sponsors’ names.  They boasted about their brothers and sisters in the United States. My heart was filled with joy for them.

I asked them a few questions about their sponsors.  They told me that their sponsors wrote them letters and sent them pictures.  Some sponsors even visited their children.  A few of the children also had two sponsors depending on their needs.  As the children shared about their sponsors, my question was answered.  How can we provide one-on-one attention for these children?  Give them a sponsor, and show them that people across the world care about their health and well-being.

As soon as I got home, I went online and found a child to sponsor.  I am now sponsoring a six-year-old girl from one of the poorest cities in Haiti.  I know that my sponsorship will help her get an education, a free meal at the school, and help with her living conditions.  It will also show her that she is loved and that someone cares about her.

I encourage you to research sponsoring a child.  Whether you sponsor a child from Haiti or from another country, you will build a lasting relationship with that child. Organizations like HOLD the Children (www.holdthechildren.org), World Vision (www.worldvision.org), Compassion International (www.compassion.com), and Mission of Hope Haiti (www.mohhaiti.org) provide education, food, water, and care for children through sponsorship.  Think about what kind of child you would like to sponsor (age, gender, country), what needs break your heart (food, water, education, etc), and what organization you think can meet this child’s needs.  I encourage you to do a lot of research.

To sponsor a child, you can give anywhere from 20-50 dollars a month.  If you have a tight budget and you want to sponsor a child, you may have to sacrifice a little bit.  However, by making a small adjustment to your budget, you can change a child’s life.  In Haiti, I saw the positive effects of child sponsorship on numerous children’s lives.  Starting Monday, I will be writing about the ways that child sponsorship (in addition to other projects) specifically improves the well being of the community.  Feel free to comment on this post with questions or comments.

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Wisdom Wednesday

Take it Off and Leave it Home

Would you rather be in the scorching heat without an air conditioner, or in the freezing cold without a heater?  Most people I ask would rather be cold, but I would much rather be hot.  Personally, it is easier for me to cool off than to warm up.

For example, when I go for a walk, I cannot wear a jacket.  I get too hot, and I have to take off my jacket.  Then I have to walk around with a jacket in my arms. It makes me more hot and less happy to be walking.

Today is among the first crispy cool days of the season.  I decided to go for a run in sweat pants and a jacket.  As soon as I began to run, I knew that I had made a mistake in my choice of clothes.  I started to sweat, and my once comfy clothes became a burden that I did not want to carry.  Instead of running as long as I usually do, I only ran around the block.

For me, wearing clothes that are too warm are a distraction for me as I run.  For someone else, it could be the wrong choice of shoes that slows him down.  For another, her long hair could be tossed around by the wind, blowing in her face and getting in her eyes.

We all have a reason for being on this earth, for this time in history, and for a specific purpose.  However, we face many distractions in our lives that cause us to lose sight of what God really has for us.  Fear, doubt, and love of money are just a few of the things that keep us from living to our true potential.

I could have just left my sweatshirt home today. Sure, I would have been freezing cold until my body made enough heat.  But the tiny discomfort would have meant nothing when I ran as much as my body needed in order to be healthy.  Next time, I will remember this day and know that I can run a lot farther when I do not have heavy clothes weighing me down.

What is holding you from running as fast and as far as you can?  Take it off, and leave it home.  It may be uncomfortable at first, but you can run without it.

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Wisdom Wednesday

What is Your Destination?

Recently, I made a goal to run three miles around my house.  To me, that was more than I could physically do at the time.  However, I decided that if I practiced, I would eventually build up the endurance to run a full three miles. I set a destination, and started on my journey.  I walked a little bit to warm up, but then I started to run.

When I go running, the journey is not always smooth.  Sometimes, I step on a twig and it offsets my balance.  Sometimes, when it’s raining, I may hit a puddle and get water all over my legs.  Sometimes, a car cuts in front of me, and I have to stop what I am doing and wait for the driver to move.

That day, it was hot, sunny, and crowded.  I had picked a part of the day where many people usually go out and run errands.  I focused on dodging the cars, and it limited my ability to run to my full potential.  I had to stop at a stop light in order to cross the street.  Of course, my fatigue also kicked in, so I was very distracted.

When I got to a certain point on this journey, I slowed down and started walking.  I congratulated myself for running as far as I did.  I continued to walk in order to regain my strength.  By the time I had reached a certain point, I had enough energy to run the rest of the way home.

At home, I checked how many miles I had run.  According to my map, I had run 2.39 miles, much more than I thought I could run!  I could not believe how far I had come.  Suddenly, my fatigue and my dodging of cars no longer mattered.  I had come very close to my goal.  I told everyone about my personal victory.

As I am running this race called life, my goal is to finish the distance that has been set before me.  However, I sometimes trip on a rock and fall flat on my face.  I make mistakes, and I feel the weight of my imperfections.  When this happens, I have two options.  I could either let this failure stop me from trying to finish, or I could get back up and try again.

In the past, my failures have crippled me.  My mistakes have caused me to forget that I am running a race, not trying to avoid getting hurt.  However, sometimes now I look back and see how far I have come.  Focusing on my victories rather than my failures has actually helped me to keep going.

There are lots of distractions when running a race.  You may be running behind someone, not able to catch up.  You may trip on your shoelace or an acorn could fall on your head.  You may be tempted to take a water break…and not want to try again.

But let me encourage you by telling you that it is never too late to get back into the race and try again.

If you’re running a race, and you trip on your shoelace, keep running. Your goal is to win the race, not run without falling. When you win, no one will remember your failures; they will only see that medal around your neck and know you are a champion.

Do not forget your destination.  Your mistakes may tempt to distract you, but do not let them stop you from finishing what you started.