Categories
Marriage

How to save money for your wedding

Why does it cost so much to get married these days? Thankfully, my husband and I didn’t break the bank to tie the knot. If money is holding you back from getting married, here are some ways you can save money on your big day:

  • Make a budget. You have to start with what you have. If you only have $1,000 in the bank, you’re not going to spend $100,000 on a wedding. Pool your money together, and if you’re blessed enough to have parents who are willing to help you, figure out how much money they are giving you. Have a running list of what you’re spending vs. what you’ve received. Throughout our engagement process, we had money coming in and out of our bank account. We would spend a thousand dollars on the venue deposit, and then a family friend would give us a card with $500 in it, then we would get an influx of checks, money from our parents, and our paychecks, and we’d have to sort through what we needed to buy. For one of my best friends’ wedding, she and her husband had a wedding planning Excel sheet! Whatever you need to do to make a budget, do it. Trust me: if it does nothing else, it will help you feel more in control of your finances during this already crazy time.
  • Start with what (and who) you know. We both have big families, and we attend a big church. Someone has to know a good photographer! Someone has to be willing to sing at our wedding. We had friends and family participate in our wedding, which helped to keep the cost down. This is another way for family members to help if they are not able to contribute financially. If your aunt knows a great DJ, florist, or catering hall, her connection to the company may help you get a discount. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. When you’re getting married, people do want to help you!
  • Figure out your priorities. Did anyone miss the centerpieces? I didn’t. We saved a couple hundred dollars on centerpieces that would only serve to block the view of our guests sitting across from each other at their tables. But for some of you, you may need centerpieces, and that’s okay. For us, we spent most of our budget on the venue itself, on the honeymoon, and on the photographer, because those things meant the most to us. We were most concerned about making sure our guests had delicious food and a nice atmosphere, making sure we would have a nice time together alone, and making sure we would have nice memories of the day that would last us for years. Whatever your priorities are, spend the most money on those items, and don’t invest as much in the “extra” stuff.
  • Choose buffet style. If your caterer offers buffet style, go for it! Having a server at every table costs extra money, because not only do you have to pay the kitchen staff, but you also have to pay a server to wait on each table. Our guests appreciated the buffet, because the food was always available, and they could get up and talk to people at other tables without feeling like they were stuck in their seats.
  • Choose an off-peak time. My brother is getting married on a Friday afternoon. My sister is getting married on a Sunday. We got married on a Saturday afternoon in November. The “peak time” for weddings is on Saturday evening, sometimes Friday evening. Be creative! Sometimes having your wedding on a holiday costs less money, because who would get married on a holiday? But hey, your family is getting together anyway! Research times of the year that are less expensive for a wedding, such as January, March, April, and November.
  • Opt out of the alcohol. Again, this is all depending on your priorities, but my husband and I both don’t drink, so we asked to have a dry wedding. Some people grumbled that there was no alcohol, but we drowned out the sound of their grumbling with the sound of 3,000 extra dollars jingling in our pockets. And that’s how we funded our honeymoon!

Whatever you do, it’s going to be great! Don’t let anyone but the two of you decide how you’re going to spend your money.

If you’ve gone through the wedding planning process, what have you done to save money? What do you wish you would have done differently?

Photo by Ibrahim Boran on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Who (or what) is your master?

As a Christian struggling with anxiety and worry, I cannot tell you how many times people have quoted Matthew 6 to me. Not that I don’t love the Word of God, but after hearing Philippians 4:6 and Matthew 6:25-34 over and over again, it seems more like a spiritual band-aid than as loving.

While reading Matthew 6 today, I realized that Jesus isn’t just talking about anxiety here. He’s talking about money.

The original Bible wasn’t split up into sections like it is today (in fact, Jesus spoke these words, so the original Bible wasn’t even written!), but the Bible is organized the way it is for a reason. In the NIV translation, the following is all one section (Matthew 6:19-24):

“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are healthy, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are unhealthy, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness!

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money.”

We should not store up treasure that this life offers, because it will not last. We can know what’s in our hearts based on what we treasure, and based on what we seek.

In the second paragraph of this passage, the word “healthy” can also be translated as “generous” or “single” in Greek, so we must have eyes to see money and wealth the way that God sees them. God is merciful and generous, so we also must be merciful and generous. Instead of holding on to wealth, we should have an open hand, willing to receive and willing to give at any moment.

Finally, we can only serve one master, and if we’re chasing after money, we’re not serving God. In fact, Pastor Robert Morris claims that “money” in this case, often translated as “Mammon,” was a literal figure.

It’s interesting that this passage is right before Matthew 6:25-34, the passage of Scripture that everyone loves to quote to those of us with anxiety.

We have needs, and it is normal to worry about how those needs will be met. Our basic needs include food, clothing, shelter, and security. We are conditioned to worry about where those needs will be met, because in the real world, we have to get our own food, clothing, shelter, and security. Jesus originally shared this with people who had to provide, not only for their families, but also for their communities: fishermen, farmers, clothing designers, carpenters, and the like. Of course they had to worry about where their next meal would come from; it was their job!

However, Jesus tells us not to chase after treasures on earth. In the end, it doesn’t matter how much money we have; it only matters that we pursued righteousness (Proverbs 11:4). Jesus wasn’t saying that it’s wrong to work or that it’s wrong to have money. He is saying that it’s more important for us to be pursuing righteousness than it is for us to be focusing on our paychecks.

God loves you, and God is in control. As scary as it is to not be in control, it’s so much more comforting to know that God, who has been around longer than any of us, knows what He’s doing. And, as it says in Matthew 6:33, when we put God first, we’ll have His righteousness and we’ll have our needs met.

Who is your master? Trust God with your needs today.

Photo by Travis Essinger on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Getting your financial life in order AFTER marriage

This post is not to judge anyone, but people want to get their financial lives in order before marriage so that they can live blissfully when they finally tie the knot. However, this pushes back their union several years, and may cause them to compromise their integrity or to even end the relationship. I’m not saying this is the path that we all should take, but for those of you who are on the fence, deciding whether you should get married now or pinch your pennies together first, we pray that God may use our testimony to help you figure out what to do next.

When we first started dating, I was working part-time in the church office, and he was working for his parents’ ice cream truck business. Separately, we were getting by, but without the cushion of living at home with our parents, and with my college debt, marriage wasn’t even a dream for us. Of course, that changed rather quickly, as I transitioned to full-time at the office, moved into an apartment closer to him, and started to watch my budget.

After three months, Lenny told me he wanted to marry me. He told me he had talked to his parents about how much money he would need to start a life with me, and the number didn’t seem to bother him. Our entire relationship, we were in prayer, but when Lenny started talking marriage, I was on my knees a lot more often!

In general, we both have frugal mindsets. I grew up literally saving every penny in a piggy bank, spending money only when it was completely necessary, and making wise purchases at bargain prices (thanks to the teaching of my mom, who intentionally buys the items she needs at the cheapest prices, and grandma, who was the one that made thrifting cool!). Lenny grew up watching his parents start and maintain a business, so he learned the value of a dollar at a very early age.

When we started dating, we saved money everywhere we could, from going to walks at the local park, to eating dinner at home. When it was time to get engaged, I didn’t give Lenny a preference for a ring, but I told him please don’t spend a ton of money on it. He spent more than I wanted, but I learned later that it’s polite to spend a certain percentage of your income on an engagement ring, so I appreciated it.

We were engaged for a couple of months before we decided on a wedding date. While praying, we each felt pulled in different directions. Lenny was concerned about the money, while I was concerned that we were secure and maintained our integrity. We’ve learned that men and women have different priorities, and, generally, men feel more of a burden to provide financially for the family, and women feel more of a burden to provide a secure, nurturing home for the family. Lenny was concerned that he couldn’t provide for us, while I was concerned that we wouldn’t have security until we got married. One thing we agreed on for sure: no matter what, we wanted to be together, and we wanted to keep God at the center of our relationship.

So, we decided to get married eleven months later, giving us just enough time to gather our dollars together.

Right after making that decision, Lenny started looking for a job in his field, and I started to budget more intently. We cut the costs of our wedding (we’ll talk about that next week), and we kept a running total of what we spent and what we received from our friends and family. When we got married in November 2016, we both had jobs that gave us the ability to afford an apartment in our friends’ house, buy our necessities, and save for a house. We used the money from our wedding, and the selling of my husband’s car, to pay off my debt, so we could start our marriage without any financial burdens.

Of course, it hasn’t been easy, but looking back, we’ve seen how God has provided. It all started with a step of faith. We’re now in an apartment that we didn’t think we could ever afford, and now we’re saving for a house that we also didn’t think we could afford. But as God has led us, we have trusted that He will provide for us each time to choose to say “yes” to what He has for us.

What “yes” do you need to say to Him today?

Photo courtesy of Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Marriage is security

When we first started dating, we were infatuated with each other. Every kiss sent electricity through every part of my body, and every time I saw him coming from a distance, I wouldn’t be able to contain my joy. We didn’t even notice each other’s imperfections. We had lovey-dovey feelings, and it was beautiful.

Then, we got married, and everything changed.

Now that we’ve been married for two and a half years, we are in love. Every kiss reminds me that my husband is still with me, and spending time with him is an opportunity to connect. When he comes home from work, seeing his contagious smile truly makes me feel like I’m home. We notice each other’s imperfections, but we love each other anyway, and I feel like the grace we have for one another only proves that our love is strong.

I used to be afraid of the honeymoon stage ending, and I did everything I could to avoid it. I don’t think it’s completely over, but I do like the direction where our love is going. Instead of being happy, I feel safe, and that makes me very happy. Instead of being viewed as perfect, I’m viewed as human, but I’m loved anyway.

Thanks be to God, we are in love. Not just with each other, but with God. We are rooted and grounded in love. That means we know that, no matter what season of life we are in, we can trust that God will lead us and show us how to love one another best.

We don’t know what the future holds, but we are secure in our marriage and secure in God.

Categories
anxiety

What have you accomplished today?

A few weeks ago, we discussed abandoning our to-do lists so that we could rely more on God and can have more peace. Some of you have admitted that it’s difficult to give up a to-do list, especially with our busy schedules and all the appointments we have to make. So, for those of you who are performance-based, accomplishment-driven, or just plain disorganized and in need of some structure, here is another way to look at your tasks for the day.

Pastor Craig Groeschel of Life.Church shared in his leadership podcast that the habit he wants to create this year is to celebrate little wins. He has been so focused on the big tasks, that he doesn’t want to forget about the everyday accomplishments and blessings that come his way.

While looking at my to-do list, I realized how condemning it was. The way I have it set up, I’m never going to be satisfied. I may have a list of 50 items, but if I do all but one task, I feel like I’ve failed. And even if I do all the items on my list, throughout the day, I’ll realize there were items I forgot to add to my list.

Why not focus on the items that I did accomplish?

I understand that people may not want to boast in their accomplishments. “Let those who boast, boast in the Lord,” the Scriptures say. But I’ve found that, instead of focusing on our accomplishments, we tend to focus on our shortcomings, which also does not glorify God. Think about it: God has given us the strength and the ability to accomplish all that He wants us to do. If we sit around thinking we’re failures or that our lives are too overwhelming for us, we’re neglecting to use the power, grace and strength He has given us.

Here is what I do now. At the beginning of the week, I write a list of what I’d like to accomplish. Since I have multiple freelance clients, in addition to my part-time job and the ministries I’m involved in at church, it’s easy for me to have an idea of what to expect in the next couple of days. Whether I want to work on my book, follow-up with a client, or spend time with friends, it’s helpful to see what’s on the agenda.

However, every day, at the end of the day, I take out my journal and write what I’ve accomplished. I don’t even look at my to-do list; I simply look back on the day and reflect on what went right. Then, I write at the bottom: “God, thank You for helping me to accomplish these things.”

So, I ask you, what have you accomplished today? If you are a perfectionist, like me, you may feel like you haven’t accomplished anything. You may feel like you’ve done a lot of work but nothing to show for it. Let me encourage you, and challenge you, to consider what little victories you have made today that can propel you to keep going.

This week, try writing down what you’ve accomplished. Put away the to-do list, and focus on what you’ve done right.

To give you an idea, since waking up this morning about two hours ago, here is what I’ve accomplished:

  • Woke up
  • Spent quality time with my husband at breakfast
  • Read the Bible
  • Did an intense workout 
  • Made the bed
  • Took a shower
  • Got dressed
  • Wrote a blog post

I didn’t change the world doing any of these things today. I didn’t make any money. I didn’t even affect anyone’s life, really. But what I accomplished so far matters, and knowing what I’ve already done will motivate me to make it through the rest of the day.

God, thank You for helping me to accomplish these things.

Photo by Emma Matthews on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

In Case of Infestations

Yep. You read that right. Today, we’re going to talk about how to deal with little critters.

Most people who have been married less than two years aren’t living in a house. Whether you’re renting from a friend, you’re saving up cash in your parents’ basement, or you’re in a complex, you’re most likely living in an apartment.

Did you know that apartments are the breeding grounds for rodents, bugs, and pests? I bet no one told you that in marriage counseling! I bet no one told you to put roach repellent and mouse traps on your registry. But these little critters try to infest not only your home, but your marriage as well.

In our two years of marriage, we’ve had our fair share of visitors creeping in and out of our living spaces. As a neat freak, control freak, and perfectionist, I put the blame on myself every time an unwanted guest would come into my apartment. Maybe I didn’t vacuum enough. Maybe I shouldn’t have left that tiny crumb on the floor. Maybe I should have washed the dishes. It seems like every time I finally clean my house, they show up. And seeing those little things in our space makes us feel so unclean, we want to throw out all our stuff and move!

Lately, God has been calling me to be faithful with what He has given us. We may not have a huge space, but we are responsible for keeping it clean and protected. I’ve been more intentional about washing the dishes, decluttering our space, and vacuuming (oh, how I love the vacuum!).

After seeing just one “bug” in our apartment, we are worried when we will see the next one. It has caused us to live in fear, which adds stress to our daily lives and makes us more irritable. We’ve gone into survival mode, “every person for himself,” but that is not the way that God calls us to live.

Let’s be real: If you don’t understand it, you’ll most likely be afraid of it, and you’re living in fear. We’ve seen everything, from ants to cockroaches to mice to spider crickets. Just the look of what shouldn’t be in our apartment is enough to traumatize us. So that’s why I’m warning you now, before you get freaked out: don’t freak out!

My husband and I are not experts, but here are some ways that we have coped with the little pests instead of living in fear.

Don’t blame yourself. Like I said, apartment complexes are breeding grounds for pests. Therefore, when you have one, it is 0% your fault. Get it out of your head that you’re dirty or unworthy of owning your space.

Do your research. Certain pests are more prominent in some areas. We actually saw a review on Google that our apartment complex has cockroaches. Spider crickets like basements and moist environments. Mice like areas near the woods and near water. So, if you live next to a park or a body of water, you should be aware of what you might see. Don’t freak out, just be prepared.

Prepare for the worst; hope for the best. My husband and I do whatever we can to keep the critters away. We clean the house regularly (making sure our stuff is off the floor and food is stowed in shelves). We don’t live in fear, but we prepare as if an infestation can happen at any time. Bugs and rodents can be nasty, and once you have one, there’s always a chance of more coming back to take over the place. The maintenance staff at our apartment complex also has been attentive. If we have any problems, we call them immediately and they come within 24 hours. Wherever you are, learn about your resources, and use them.

Pray! God has called you to be responsible for your living space, but He doesn’t ask you to do it alone. Just like with anything else, whether you’re renting or you own a home, God can provide strength, wisdom, and resources to make you successful in your stewardship. I cannot even begin to tell you the spiritual lessons I’ve learned from having bugs and rodents in our apartment. My prayers have never been stronger. My declarations of faith have never been more bold and confident. It has also been wonderful to see Lenny step up and act in faith, and to be the leader that God called him to be.

Psalm 91 is a psalm of God’s protection and provision. I wanted to share just one verse with you, but it is all so good, I can’t pick and choose! May God bless your living space, and may Psalm 91 become real for you and your marriage (especially in your dwelling place):

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the Lord, “My refuge and my fortress,
my God, in whom I trust.”

For he will deliver you from the snare of the fowler
and from the deadly pestilence.
He will cover you with his pinions,
and under his wings you will find refuge;
his faithfulness is a shield and buckler.
You will not fear the terror of the night,
nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in darkness,
nor the destruction that wastes at noonday.

A thousand may fall at your side,
ten thousand at your right hand,
but it will not come near you.
You will only look with your eyes
and see the recompense of the wicked.

Because you have made the Lord your dwelling place—
the Most High, who is my refuge
no evil shall be allowed to befall you,
no plague come near your tent.

For he will command his angels concerning you
to guard you in all your ways.
On their hands they will bear you up,
lest you strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread on the lion and the adder;
the young lion and the serpent you will trample underfoot.

“Because he holds fast to me in love, I will deliver him;
I will protect him, because he knows my name.
When he calls to me, I will answer him;
I will be with him in trouble;
I will rescue him and honor him.
With long life I will satisfy him
and show him my salvation.”

Photo by Maria Teneva on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

You’re braver than you think

I always beat myself up for having anxiety, but the truth is: for those of us who have anxiety, we are braver than we know. Franklin D. Roosevelt once said: “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.” Anxiety makes it seem like whatever is giving us fear is strong enough to keep us in bondage, but when we do what makes us afraid―like go on planes, put ourselves in awkward social situations, or deal with conflict at work―we’re acting in courage.

The key is to not let our fear overtake us.

After traveling recently, I researched ways that flight attendants help passengers who are scared of flying (like me!). I learned that flight attendants are trained to make passengers feel comfortable and safe on each flight. But in some of these articles, I read flight attendants’ stories about how fearful flyers “gave in to fear.” The worst one that someone experienced was where a customer made a threat against the airline, so they had to call security to bring the customer off the flight.

There have been times when I’ve given into fear, when I’ve let fear take over me. But now that I’ve had several fearful experiences happen to me, I’ve learned that anxiety-inducing situations are part of life. In the middle of the storm, it’s better to do what makes me scared than to let fear stop me. If I didn’t do what made me afraid, there would be days where I would be curled up in a ball in my bed, listening to the clock tick on the wall next to me. That doesn’t sound like an exciting life!

As a Christian, I always hear people saying to let my faith be bigger than my fear. For a while, I’ve assumed that meant that God was going to shrink my fear and grow my faith. However, as I’ve learned over the years, I have a part to play as well. God grows my faith, but it’s my responsibility to choose to trust my faith instead of my fear.

God doesn’t make things easy for us just because we’re scared. Gideon, for example, was a man who almost let fear get in the way of him being used by God. Yet through each moment, God was faithful, and continued to give Gideon strength. You can read his story in Judges 6. Gideon was the weakest member of his family, who was part of the weakest tribe of Israel. But when the angel of the Lord came to speak to Gideon, he said: “The Lord is with you, mighty warrior!” The angel told Gideon, essentially, that he was braver than he thought. God was about to use this man, and three-hundred able men, to bring down Israel’s enemy.

My favorite part of the story of Gideon is that God truly cancelled every reason for Gideon to fear. The night before Gideon and his army would attack, God told him to go to the enemy camp and listen to a man speak. God promised Gideon that he would be encouraged after visiting the camp. Here is the account of what happened when Gideon obeyed:

“Gideon arrived just as a man was telling a friend his dream. ‘I had a dream,’ he was saying. ‘A round loaf of barley bread came tumbling into the Midianite camp. It struck the tent with such force that the tent overturned and collapsed.’ His friend responded, ‘This can be nothing other than the sword of Gideon son of Joash, the Israelite. God has given the Midianites and the whole camp into his hands'” (Judges 7:13-15).

Of course, Gideon had to go and fight, but God had prepared the way for him to have the victory. I believe that God does the same for us in our struggles. We may not always understand what God is doing, but He gives us just enough to get a taste of the victory we’re going to have through Him. Then, He gives us the strength and courage to act.

Will we take that next step in obedience to God?

No matter how much God does for us, we have to trust Him. We have to make that effort, as He has given us that responsibility to act in faith. God could open a door wide open for us, but it is our job to step through the doorway.

So, what are you scared of today? You don’t have to attack it head on, but if it’s stopping you from living the life that God has for you, you need to deal with it somehow. Even if fear threatens to cripple you, do it scared. Trust me: You’re braver than you think!

Photo by Marina Vitale on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Five questions to become one with your spouse

We are meant to be a team with our spouses, but how often do we check up on one another?

When the Bible describes a husband and wife as “one flesh,” the tense of “become” is actually present progressive (Genesis 2:24). That means we are constantly becoming one flesh, and will continue to do so for our entire lives. In the process of becoming one, you need to know about your other half. And while questions such as “What is your spouse’s favorite color?” and “How does your spouse like his/her coffee in the morning?” are important, those questions will only take you so far on your intimate journey with your spouse.

Marriage is meant to grow you. The following questions can help you and your spouse figure out your goals and work to succeed at them.

I would encourage you to ask your spouse these questions periodically, not just once. Make an effort to create a comfortable environment, so you can both feel free to share your mind without judgment. In the process of becoming one, depending on your spouse’s past experience with spiritual and emotional intimacy, there may be some hesitancy sharing from the heart. Pour yourselves a couple of cups of tea, sit down on the couch, and work through these questions.

Hearing your spouse answer these questions, you may be tempted to provide feedback. Men (generally speaking) may want to fix their wives’ problems or provide quick solutions to their wives’ dreams. Women (generally speaking) may want to nag their husbands until they’ve accomplished the goals they’ve shared with you. Wait until your spouse has had a chance to share, and then share your opinion if invited to do so.

I promise, you will be closer after sharing your ideas with one another. There may be some tension at first, and most likely even some disagreement, but take time to truly discuss these topics until you feel like you’ve reached a resolve. You don’t have to have your whole life figured out in one sitting, but you should be able to come up with a game plan for the next week or so.

  • How do you feel? As a woman (again, generally speaking), I have a hard time navigating through my emotions sometimes. It’s nice to have my husband ask me how I’m feeling so I have permission to speak the emotions out loud. Most of the time, if not all of the time, he is my voice of reason as I realize my emotions are often based on insecurities.
  • What are your dreams/goals for the next week/month/year? I love sharing my dreams and goals with others. Speaking my dreams out loud makes them more real for me. It also gives me permission to process out loud and help transform my dreams into a reality. Your spouse may not know what dreams he/she has, so maybe you can ask the question a different way (such as, What do you want to accomplish in the next week? or What is something you’ve always wanted to do but never took the time to do it?). Again, you don’t have to have your whole life figured out, but asking about your spouse’s dreams can help you accomplish what you didn’t think you could in the near future.
  • How’s that going for you? Sometimes, we’ve already started working on our dreams. Some of us want to start our own businesses or get promotions at work or even heal a broken relationship with a family member or friend. Asking your spouse about the status of that dream can help him/her celebrate the progress he/she has made so far, and take practical steps to finish the task.
  • How may I help you? We absolutely cannot accomplish our dreams alone. I’ve learned that very early on in my short life. Your spouse has been equipped by God with different strengths to help you see your life from a new perspective, or to develop skills that you wouldn’t be able to learn on your own. This is a good opportunity to provide feedback if it is welcomed. However, your spouse may just want encouragement or a listening ear, or even a hug. Be prepared to help in whatever way you’re able, and whatever way your spouse needs.
  • How can I pray for you? Ultimately, our help comes from the Lord (Psalm 121:1-2). Praying for our spouses reminds us to keep our focus on the Lord and to trust Him with our plans. Without being holier-than-thou, we are also called to remind our spouses to trust God’s plan and to lean on His wisdom in all that we do. So, close your planning time together with prayer.

Photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash

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Categories
Marriage

The power of silence among couples

Anyone who knows my husband knows that he is a man of few words. However, the words he says are so golden, they make you want to stop what you’re doing and listen. As a woman with many words, I have learned to listen to him and give him the respect he deserves.

But what do we do when neither of us have anything to say?

After two and a half years of marriage, we’ve learned that sometimes, words aren’t necessary. We love driving home in the car just holding hands, not saying a word during the entire half hour drive. When I’m crying, Lenny will put his arms around me and just hold me, the only sound between us my heaving sobs. When Lenny had a busy day at work and doesn’t want to talk at the moment, I stand by his side and wait, in silence, until he’s ready to talk.

How do we know when it’s time to be silent? Well, we’ll never know unless we try it!

James 1:19 says that we must be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Although this verse is used to talk about listening, I want to focus on the second part of our instruction: be slow to speak. In a culture that loves texting and feeling compelled to give an answer to everything, it doesn’t make sense to stay silent when you have an answer.

To use a quote that has been attributed to Stephen R. Covey, “The biggest communication problem is we do not listen to understand.
We listen to reply.” Maybe to show we understand, we don’t need to reply. Maybe to simply be there for our spouses, we can sit in silence.

A great example of people who were silent in the Bible were Job’s friends. After Job had lost everything, his friends came from their homes (which weren’t very close to his house, by the way!):

“When Job’s three friends, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite, heard about all the troubles that had come upon him, they set out from their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him and comfort him. When they saw him from a distance, they could hardly recognize him; they began to weep aloud, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was” (Job 2:11-13, NIV).

So, give silence a try this week. Whether one of you is grieving or stressed, or one of you is celebrating, try to spend at least a half hour in silence. While sitting there together, pray for one another, and think about what you appreciate about each other.

Because then, when you both talk to each other, you will lean into one another, as the words you choose to say will be golden.

Categories
anxiety

Why can’t I change the culture around me?

When I’m around critical people, I become critical. When I’m around negative people, I develop the nasty habit of complaining. However, I’m really not critical and I can’t stand complaining. I generally tend to look on the positive side of things. So why can’t I help others to be encouraging, instead of letting their negativity bring me to criticism?

I’m learning that it’s not that I have to change the culture. It’s that I have to let God change me.

By nature, we are all critical. It’s a fruit of the flesh, as described in Galatians 5:19-21 (NIV):

“The acts of the flesh are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

Although I am joyful, the positivity I displayed was a defense mechanism (I’ll talk more about that another day!). True joy is a fruit of the Spirit, as seen after the passage cited above:

“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.”

Humans in and of themselves are critical and negative. God wants to grow joy and love in me. As I do that, I learn to appreciate the culture around me by focusing on their strengths instead of what I need to fix. The Bible says that we are ministers of reconciliation and ambassadors for Christ:

“So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view. Though we once regarded Christ in this way, we do so no longer. Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God” (2 Corinthians 5:16-21).

When God reconciles us to Himself, He charges us to bring others to Him as well. We admit that we need to change (which is super hard to do!) and we humbly accept God’s sanctification in us, which involves making us more like Christ. Then, we meet people where they are, and we are the go-between in our spheres of influence.

Ultimately, my desire to change the culture stems from spiritual pride. Yes, God’s desire is for us to become more like Christ, but at our core, our desire is to improve ourselves to be the best version of ourselves. I demand control in the world, because I think I know what’s best for the world. When we surrender to God and to His plan for us, we truly do become the best version of ourselves. Maybe not the skinniest, smartest, or strongest, but the version of ourselves that reflects Christ. Only then can we change our culture.

When I graduated high school, a bunch of my friends wrote in my yearbook that they saw God in me. Part of me was wondering, Don’t I have any other good qualities besides being a Christian? But now that I’m older, I’m thankful that I was a light in the darkness. I’m thankful that my friends believed that when they talked to me, they would be learning more about God.

Truthfully, after nine more years of studying the Bible, going on several missions trips, working at in a church office, and being involved in church, I definitely feel closer to God and to my church community, but I don’t know how much of a witness I am to those who do not know the Lord. I wonder if it’s because I think I’ve gone to the next “level” of my Christian faith, where I have fallen into the trap of believing I can be a witness for God’s glory without God’s help. God has shown me my own pride, and I’ve fallen on my face, both in humility and in humiliation. When I come out of that deep place, you’ll be sure to read about it!

I started this post talking about how to change the people around me. To be honest, I don’t believe that’s my job. Lights don’t change people. They only point people to the One who can change the world.

Photo by John-Mark Smith on Unsplash