Categories
anxiety

What IS the True Meaning of Christmas?

At the beginning of this year, a lot of my Christian writer friends were posting about their word for the year. While I had never done it before, I decided to pray about what my word would be. My word for 2018 is “declutter,” based on Hebrews 12:2.

For most of the year, I decluttered my living space, my work space, my schedule, my relationships, and my heart. My goal was to get rid of all the junk in my life so I had more room for God. Now, at the end of this year, God is asking me to do the converse: make room for God so that there’s no room for the junk.

If I’m honest, I’ll admit that there was a lot of junk this year, not only in my personal life, but in the world around me. Social media has practically become a garbage dump where people are venting about random stuff that no one cares about, and then other people are tearing them apart for it. I’ve spent a huge chunk of this year (you know, eleven months), trying to find the redemptive qualities of the toxic environments, when God has been calling me to run away! Now, I’m not saying all social media is bad, but in this season, it is not the best for my soul. No more looking for the nutrition facts of bio-hazardous material!

All the while, Christmas sort of just showed up, and now we’re plagued with the same question that we are every year: What is the true meaning of Christmas?

Well, what is it? Why do you get together with your family every year? Why do you do all your shopping? Why did you buy that ugly Christmas sweater for the party you’re attending next week?

I believe in the midst of all the junk in our lives, we run the risk of missing the point. Sure, family, friends, giving gifts, belief in miracles, and even politics are all important, but they’re not the point. When we realize what the point is, that’s when all the other stuff in our life makes sense.

Christmas (in particular, the Advent season) is about God coming to Earth in the form of a baby, Jesus. The prophets spoke of this child for centuries before He was even born. I was just reading in my devotional today that Jesus fulfilled 108 prophecies spoken about Him during His life on Earth. When Christ was born, God did something huge, something that had never been done before, something that we are still talking about millennia later! I think it’s time we pay attention to the message God is saying to us (and has been saying to us for thousands of years) through this miracle.

Jesus coming to Earth speaks to people’s heart in different ways, especially since He came for multiple reasons. He came to set us free from our sin. He came to give us an example of righteousness. He came to put the law to death. He came to show what it means to be humble. He came because He loves us.

Sure, the thrill of opening presents on Christmas morning is euphoric. Seeing my family is such a joy. Listening to Christmas music and decorating the tree and wearing silly ugly Christmas sweaters is essential to get through the holiday blues. But nothing gives me more lasting joy, more perfect peace, more everlasting love, than knowing that the God who created the Heavens and the Earth came to this broken, desperate, hopeless world to show us how to live and to demonstrate His love for us.

Remembering the true meaning of Christmas makes all the junk disappear.

Photo by Gareth Harper on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Be a Team Player

You may be wondering how Lenny feels about me writing about our marriage. Do you really think that I’m venting about my husband without his permission?

On this blog, I really don’t talk about deep issues in our marriage. I don’t believe an online platform is the place to do that. As a matter of fact, I don’t believe I should be complaining to my husband or my marriage about anyone. For those who like to vent about their significant others to your parents or your siblings or your best friend or even his parents (seriously?), read this clearly: STOP! Fighting in marriage should be like sex in marriage. Everyone knows you do it, but no one is involved in the details. When I share something about Lenny, I always ask his permission first, or I use an insignificant detail, like him leaving his socks on the floor (which he never does!).

You know why? Because we’re a team.

When we first got engaged, we spent a LOT of time preparing for marriage. We joined a Bible study for newlywed and engaged couples. We went through eight sessions of premarital counseling. We read whatever we could. And we prayed. A lot.

By doing this, we not only learned the value of teamwork, but we learned how to be a team. Now, in everything I do, from how I spend my money to how I conduct myself on Facebook, I have my husband in mind. I know he does the same for me.

While reflecting on what makes a good team, here are some attributes I’ve considered. I pray that you also think about making your marriage into a team effort, and that you and your spouse can both be team players.

Collaboration. In a team, each player has different strengths to contribute to the overall well-being of the group. We’ve discovered recently that we have different strengths and weaknesses, as well as different priorities. Not that we don’t care about each other, but that we are so focused on other things that we don’t think about everything. In our fight for control, we’ve learned how to let it go and let our spouse take control in the areas that matter to them. We’ve also learned not to compete in the midst of our different strengths and weaknesses. Instead of working against each other, we work with each other in order to achieve our goals together.

Respect. In a team, each player shares equal value. While my priorities may be different from Lenny’s, I respect his opinion and his feelings, as he does for me. I show respect to Lenny by listening to him, making eye contact with him when he wants my attention, and using an encouraging tone while speaking to him. He doesn’t want me to be his parent, so I shouldn’t talk to him like I’m above him.

Communication (and Prayer). I’ve always believed that communication is key in any relationship. Prayer is communication with God, and constant communication with our Heavenly Father is vital for us to have healthy relationships. Lenny and I pray on a daily basis and seek God’s will for our lives. We also talk consistently about our goals for the future and about our progress toward those goals. We discuss when incidences happen and how to avoid conflicts in the future. But even questions such as, “The dishwasher’s dirty. Can you put that dish in the dishwasher?” or “Next time you go to the store, can you pick up some more chicken?” are vital toward our marriage team. How is Lenny supposed to know I want that dish in the dishwasher if I don’t tell him? How am I supposed to know Lenny’s hungry for chicken if he doesn’t tell me? We’re not in the business of reading each other’s minds. We have to remain in constant communication, so that we can know what we’re thinking and make a game plan for the future.

Celebration. My favorite part of being on this marriage team is celebrating when we’ve done something right. We celebrate everything, from keeping our cool in front of difficult people to paying off debt. Life is so much more fun when we look back and see how far we’ve come, and how much God has done in our lives.

If you want to turn your marriage into a team effort, go for it. There is nothing stopping you from beginning this journey now. All it takes is a humble attitude, respect, communication, and celebration. Practice at least one of these attributes today, and let me know how it goes!

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Categories
Books

Onward

I met Alicia Yost through a mutual friend from ReNEW (Retreat for New England Writers and Speakers). When Alicia came to ReNEW this year, we connected right away. I enjoyed hearing her stories and her heart behind her writing. As I learned during that weekend, people don’t care about what your book is about; they care about your heart.

Based on that alone, I believe Alicia’s new book is a must-read for all, since she is such a joy to know! The full title of her book is Onward: A Funny, Heartbreaking and Insightful Collection of Faith Lessons. The book definitely goes along with the title. In the introduction, she explains the meaning behind the title of her book. I love the analogies and word pictures that Alicia uses, especially the dinner party in chapter 1 and God molding us like clay through prayer in chapter 3. She’s honest, real, and vulnerable, and there are good transitions. Her stories are emotionally compelling. Plus, she’s not kidding; some of them are funny!

It reminded me of Blue Like Jazz or Love Does, where the stories sort of tie together but they don’t follow a linear pattern. But I believe that’s Alicia’s point. Life isn’t meant to be a straight path that we all follow, but a journey full of twists and turns. We don’t all go through the same life experiences, even if we are Christian. Our only starting point is that God saved us, and we came to know Christ. With that being said, Alicia starts with her testimony in the first chapter, and everything beyond that is in no particular order. I believe a passage from the final paragraph summarizes it perfectly: “Life isn’t really about getting anywhere; it’s about going somewhere. Life is about motion. We must keep moving. And while we are on our journey, perhaps we see someone walking along the same road and we wave” (96).

Although I haven’t shared the same life experiences as her, I feel like I’m right there with her, reading the letter about her sponsor child or getting frustrated when her husband doesn’t bring her home flowers. She struggles with faith, wrestles with temptation, and submits to God’s will even when it doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t that sound like the rest of us? She says the words that none of us are comfortable saying out loud, but we all feel. As she writes, we’re new creations, not improved creations, so we have to let God do the work in our lives (chapter six).

Quote for chapter 1: “It was like my whole life, God and I had been at a dinner party and I was nervous to meet Him so I mingled with other people and gave Him uneasy side glances. Then I ran to the bathroom to hide and after emerging found everyone gone. It was just me and God, and I couldn’t avoid Him any longer. He smiled and looked deep into my eyes. I felt fully seen and expected to feel the weight of my shame, to see Him furrow His brow in disappointment. But instead, I felt fully loved” (8).

One of my favorite stories is the story about her son. “It was then I realized that this joy would not have been possible without the struggles. It was the struggles themselves that magnified the joy in ways that “normalcy” never could.” (chapter four). This book came at an opportune time for me for me to check my heart about how I feel about the church, how I feel about waiting, and how I feel about serving.

Alicia writes with emotionally-compelling words and analogies. Serving is messy. Parenting is messy. Marriage is messy. But each time, Alicia talks about the mess, but then brings glory to God through it. Her chapters each end with the phrase “Onward I go,” as a reminder that we may not know where we’re going, but we know that God is calling us to move forward. Put one foot in front of the other and keep going. You’ll get where you need to go eventually.

This book is perfect for women who are struggling in their faith, just like the rest of us. Alicia does talk about being a wife and raising kids, but even if you’re not married or don’t have kids, you can relate to being a daughter or having a step parent or even simply understanding how to be a Christian. You can purchase this book on Amazon today.

Photo taken from Amazon website.

Categories
anxiety

Rising Above the Fear of Flying

Last week for Thanksgiving, I had the privilege of surprising my husband’s grandmother for her 80th birthday. Lenny’s entire family on his mom’s side was there, except for a few people. It was a great time hanging out with his cousins. However, since his grandmother lives in Florida, I had to take a three-hour plane ride.

The idea of taking a plane literally debilitates me. My grandfather swore he would never get on a plane, and he never did. Since I love to travel, I have decided that flying will forever be a part of my life. Now that I’ve survived taking a plane twice (as well as the one-hundred times before that!), I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned in case you also have the same anxiety.

Prepare yourself in advance. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. You are in control of your mind. The week before Thanksgiving, I was a wreck thinking about flying. All the what-ifs flooding into my mind, stealing my sleep, my appetite, and my joy. This time, I put on worship music whenever I felt anxious and remembered all the other flights where God has been with me. God is faithful. He is literally holding up the plane, and He’s got you in the palm of His hand.

Don’t think too much about it. There are a few reasons why flying debilitates me. However, knowing the reasons does not make me feel any better. This last time I got on the plane, I didn’t even have time to worry. Some people in our party wanted to get Burger King, and the line was ridiculously long. We didn’t make it to the gate for our plane until we were boarding. Normally, I would be sitting at the gate, pacing the floor and dreading my impending doom. This time, I didn’t have time to worry, and I chose to forget about it. By the time we took off, I was fine. I didn’t even feel dizzy like I normally do. If you try to rationalize while you’re on the flight, you’ll make yourself crazy. Just let it go and relax.

Thank God for flight attendants! They are fully equipped to help you in any situation. Sometimes, I tell them that I’m scared, and they keep an eye on me during the flight. I’ve had some flight attendants stand next to me and coach me before take-off. Although I’ve never actually been sick on a plane, most (I can’t stay all because there is mixed information out there) are trained for medical emergencies and know what to do in case I’m not feeling well. On that note, please be respectful to flight attendants! They do way more than we even know.

Pray for an angel. I’m a firm believer that God provides what we need when we need it. Last year, I went to the Dominican Republic with my family. During takeoff, I prayed and asked God to help me. When the plane leveled out, I turned next to me to see a woman reading Psalms on her phone. We talked the entire flight; I didn’t even think about how high we were until the flight was over! I believed God sent her to encourage me and to show me His peace. If you’re scared, pray for God to provide exactly what you need.

Make sure you eat and drink. Since I’m afraid of getting sick on the plane, the idea of eating scares me. However, Lenny discovered on this past flight that eating actually helps me. I would choose something light, like pretzels or crackers and water. Don’t eat it all at once, but make sure you eat at least a little something during your flight.

Essential oils. I’m not a huge fan of medication, so instead of anxiety medication, I bring essential oils. This trip, I brought Lavender and Stress Away from Young Living. Put a little on your wrists and sniff your wrists when you get nervous. If you’re really inconsolable, but some lavender under your nose so you can breathe it in more accessibly.

Distraction, distraction, distraction. I love that planes have movies and even video games on their flights now. This time, I downloaded an audiobook on my phone and played a few games. It definitely made time go a lot more quickly on the plane!

What techniques help you when you’re flying? Share them in the comments below!

 

Photo by Tim Dennert on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Encouragement for Those Who Are Sick of “The Question”

We newlyweds get this question all the time, especially at holidays: “When are you going to have kids?” This question is particularly challenging because, I’ve noticed, there isn’t a lot of Christian material out there for just Christian wives. I’m reading a book now that talks about being a confident woman, but the author dedicates several chapters to how she feels about being a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love free parenting advice, but it’s almost like someone sent me a text message that was meant for someone else.

As a disclaimer for some of the readers in my family who think that this is a direct attack on them, I did get asked this question a lot over the weekend, and your questions did inspire this post. I’m more comfortable with this conversation now than I was, you know, during my wedding reception. However, while talking with my family, I gleaned some encouragement that I wanted to share with the couples out there who are still rolling their eyes when people see a baby and ask when they’re going to have one. So, thanks to my family for asking the difficult questions.

Some people are selfish, but most people mean well. Most people are also genuinely interested about your plans for your life. The people in your family or at church are simply enjoying watching you grow and taking the next step of your life.

I first noticed people asking me about the next step of my life when I was trying to pick a college. During my senior year, I didn’t know where I was going to go yet, but I remember getting asked about it five times in only one day. But the questions didn’t stop there. When I decided on a college, I didn’t have a major. When I decided on a major, I didn’t have a car. When I got a car, I didn’t have a degree. When I got a degree, I didn’t have a job. When I got a job, I didn’t have a boyfriend. When I got a boyfriend, I didn’t have an engagement ring. When I got an engagement ring, I didn’t have a wedding ring. When I got a wedding ring, I didn’t have a baby. Or a house. Or another baby. And then my kids will get asked the questions.

Some of my family members are in high school now, and I ask them almost every time I see them where they’re going to college and what they want to do as a career. It may not be what they end up doing for college (they still have a couple of years), but it’s nice to see that them grown up and making big-kid decisions. So, when I get asked the question, “When are you having kids?” it’s really just the next step of life, and I’m sure the person asking me is just really happy to see me grown up and making big-kid decisions.

If you get asked this question a lot, think of it as a compliment. It means that you’re ready in the world’s eyes. It means that the person asking you sees you as a mature adult now, able to parent your own children and make big-kid decisions. Please, do not see it as an insult. You and your husband are complete without children. You and your husband are not lazy for choosing to wait. You and your husband have your priorities in order if your priorities include focusing on your marriage or saving money.

For those of you who are sensitive about this topic, try not to answer their prying questions with too much detail. My husband and I already have a rough draft idea for our children, from when we want to start trying to get pregnant, to actually raising our kids. Hormones and circumstances could change things, but no one knows that plan but us and God. Why? Because no one will be happy (I mean 100% happy) with our plans, because they’re not their plans.

Being vague with our plans also gives God space to work. God is ultimately the giver of life. I know people who were on birth control and got pregnant anyway. I know people who used every form of fertility method and still couldn’t get pregnant. Our answer, over all, should be that we’ll have children in God’s timing. Until then, we’re serving Him as best as we can as husband and wife by loving each other and growing where we are planted.

Photo by Andrew Itaga on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Jesus Took Naps; Be Like Jesus

I first saw this phrase over the summer. At first, I thought it was permission to be lazy (for some of you, it might be!), but there is much to be learned from Jesus’ nap on the boat (Mark 4:35-41).

One day, Jesus took His disciples on a boat at night. After a long day with the crowds, I’m sure the disciples were looking forward to a nice relaxing night on the boat. But what is described as “a furious squall” erupts in the sky, and the wind and the waves seem to ambush the boat. How could God let this happen? His disciples actually had problems? How could it be so?!

Throughout this storm, Jesus is asleep. In the middle of the storm, when everything was going crazy, that’s when Jesus decides to take a nap. It makes sense, since He spent most of His waking hours teaching and healing people. Now that the crowds were gone, He can sleep. The gospel of Mark even says that Jesus is sleeping on a cushion! But wouldn’t He want more calming music to help Him relax, as opposed to the whistling of the wind and the crashing of the waves?

When they find Jesus, the disciples instantly wake Him up and ask Him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” I believe they were right to turn to their Master, to believe that He could stop the wind and the waves from destroying the ship. And in all seriousness, they are in danger in this story. However, the stance of Jesus during the hubbub should have been a cue for the disciples to follow.

You see, by taking a nap, Jesus demonstrates that there is no reason to be afraid, even in the midst of the storm. If Jesus was worried, then the disciples should be worried. Since He is at peace, the disciples should be at peace as well. Jesus is helping to grow their faith by reminding them that they are braver than they think, and more equipped than they think.

After all, most of them are fishermen! Was that the first time they were ever in a storm? Did they know that a storm was in the forecast? Did they try to warn Jesus before getting on the storm? Why were they so afraid when they’ve done this multiple times?

Because no matter how equipped they were, they were not Jesus. Their skills were limited, while the skills of Jesus are unlimited.

Right after the disciples wake up Jesus, He rises to His feet and calms the wind and the waves in an instant. His power didn’t activate because He was awake. He had that power all along, available to Him at any moment.

The last time I was on a plane, I was incredibly nervous, especially because they didn’t assign us seats until we were boarding, and I needed to sit with my husband Lenny or I would go nuts. Thank God, we were able to sit together, but I was still a little uneasy before takeoff.  A few minutes into the flight, I look over, and my husband is asleep! Granted, it was early in the morning, but didn’t he know I needed him? When I woke him up, he looked up at me, annoyed, and said, “You’re fine. Go to bed.” My husband fell asleep because he knew I wasn’t in danger. Since he relaxed, I was able to relax, too.

Jesus didn’t nap because He was lazy. Jesus wasn’t avoiding His problems. He wasn’t waiting for the day to fast forward so that He could start over the next day. I’m guilty of taking a nap because anxiety stole my ability to solve problems, and I’m guilty of taking a nap because depression stole my ability to enjoy the day. But I’m also guilty of neglecting to rest when I think I have to do it all. Instead, I have to let Jesus take over and direct my steps. His Spirit lives in me, helping me live each day. And if He’s napping, I’m napping too!

When anxiety strikes, I instantly forget how smart I am, how brave I am, and how stupid these lies are. But when I look to Jesus, the one who is control, and I see that He was able to sleep in the midst of a scary storm, then He suddenly calms the wind and the waves in my heart.

So, on that note, even though I have a ton of things to do and I’m incredibly anxious about the next few days, I’m going to take a nap!

Photo by Ethan Sykes on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Don’t Parent Your Spouse

Whether you have kids of your own or not, people joke all the time that if you’re married, you have at least one kid. What a terrible joke, to say that the loves of our lives are mere children! Unfortunately, sometimes we treat our spouses like children.

On The Good Doctor, one of the staff members made a statement (paraphrased below) that describes the difference between parents and spouses: “Parents know their sons as boys, but wives know their sons as men.” How true that is! Even when I was a little girl, I imagined my Prince Charming, not as a little boy but as a mature adult, strong enough to stand by my side and valiantly face whatever life throws at us. Although it is my job to help my husband grow into maturity, why is it so tempting to talk to him like he’s five?

Generally, women are more guilty of talking down to their spouses, but men do it also. I can only speak from the experience as a woman, but I’m sure men could learn from my words as well. In our society, the pendulum has swung in the exact opposite direction, from “submit to your husband” (as in, “your husband can do with you as he pleases”) to “parent your husband.” It may be a control issue, it may be payback for a patriarchal society, it may even be a response to how our spouses were raised, but it’s time that we treat our spouses like adults.

After all, the more you treat your spouse like a child, the more your spouse will act in childish behavior.

Start by praying to see your spouse as an adult. God calls us to maturity, and as spouses, we should be helping our spouses to grow in faith and character. Our spouses should be doing that for us as well. Pray that God would give you eyes to see your spouse the way that God sees him, and pray about your speech and your behavior toward him.

My husband and I do not have any children yet, but we are having conversations about our future parenting styles. If you don’t have children yet, but are treating your spouse like a child, write down or make a mental note of statements you make to your spouse that sound more like a parent than a spouse. After reviewing the words you say, decide if that is even how you would want to parent your children! It can be a learning experience for both of you to talk about how it feels to be spoken to that way, so it might hurt your children if you talk to them that way as well.

Finally, I think we need to stop congratulating our spouses as a form of positive reinforcement. My husband put away some dishes that I left out, and while I appreciate what he did, I didn’t make a huge deal out of it. We are both responsible to keep our space neat and to put everything back in its place. I pick up Lenny’s socks from the floor (NOT all the time!) but no one throws me a party. Why do I have to make such a big deal over Lenny doing me a “favor”? Let’s have a conversation with our spouses about the expectations for our household chores and finances. That way, our spouses will actually do what we expect from them, instead of guessing what we want them to do.

Generally speaking, people work in different rhythms. I may ask my husband to do something for me, and it may take him five minutes just to get up from his chair. In my mind, what I need is an emergency, but in his mind, it can wait. Our conflicting personalities in this way have grown my patience and have grown my husband’s efficiency. Just because he doesn’t get up right when I ask him to, doesn’t mean I should treat him like a child. He’s an adult; he can make his own decision about when to get up from his chair. Unless I’m bleeding or the house is on fire, there is no need for him to rush.

Overall, have grace with yourself and with your spouse. You don’t have to control your spouse; you have to be patient and let him do it in his own time. Your spouse also needs to have patience with you, since it’s frustrating when your spouse treats you like a baby. Have an honest talk about the communication in your marriage, and make steps to grow each other into maturity instead of keeping them locked in childish behavior.

Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash

Categories
Books

You Are Enough

This post was #sponsoredbyfaithwords. I was not required to give a positive review, so my review is my honest take on the book You Are Enough by Mandy Hale.

I’m so thankful for the opportunity from Faithwords to read this book for free! I’ve enjoyed the other books that they’ve recommended to me as well, such as Pull it Off by Julianna Zobrist and Get Weird by CJ Casciotta.

When I saw the title of this book, You Are Enough, I instantly felt like it was written for me. I constantly struggle with not feeling good enough, and I needed a little pep talk to remind me that God sees me as worthy. Although this book is written by a Christian, she obviously struggles with her faith, which is refreshing for me. She’s not writing from a place where she has it all together and she’s telling you how she’s overcome. Rather, she’s writing deep in the trenches of depression, anxiety, and heartbreak.

Sometimes, when we’ve already overcome, we forget what it’s like in the battle. We try to help people overcome anxiety by saying how we claimed victory in Christ, but we neglect the fact that it’s not as easy as we make it out to be. Depression and anxiety hurt, and for some people, the hurt is more comfortable than the healing. I appreciate that Hale speaks to her audience through her own brokenness, because as she’s dealing with it, she’s helping others deal with it as well.

I’m very vocal about my anxiety, but I’ve slowly started to imply that depression is prevalent in my life as well. Hale holds nothing back when she talks about her depression, from the thoughts she has each day to the fact that she was in a mental hospital. Her honesty forced me to take a hard look at my emotions and consider how I can cope with them. Would I endure therapy? Would I go to a facility like she did and get group support? Only time will tell, but Hale’s book definitely helped me start the conversation about my mental and emotional health.

Although I really enjoyed the first half of the book, to be honest, Hale lost me right around chapter 11. For those who don’t know her story, she had a pretty serious relationship for about a decade until the guy told her that he didn’t (well, couldn’t) love her. As sad as I am for her, and as much as I could relate to a feeling of heartbreak, I was kind of turned back by how much she brought it up. She also mentions that this story is in her other books as well. I’m warning you because it may be helpful for you if your depression is because of a seriously bad breakup, but the fact that she repeats it so many times makes me feel like she thinks I’m stupid and that I don’t understand her pain. I’m already on her side, but I feel for the rest of the book that she’s trying to prove herself. She has nothing to prove! I already appreciate her, and I’m already on her side. She’s already enough.

Overall, 3/5 stars. I loved the beginning, but pretty much once it got to the part about Mr. E, I lost interest. It might speak to someone who is waiting for a boyfriend or who has been hurt pretty badly by one. I recommend this book to women battling depression and anxiety, especially in light of a bad relationship or a dark season of singleness. After all, who doesn’t need a reminder that you are enough?

You can purchase this book here. To find out more information about the author, you can follow her and her ministry on Twitter or Instagram.

Categories
Marriage

Dealing with Difficult People: Is it Me?

Last month, I wrote a post on dealing with difficult people, about how we should have more understanding toward those people. We’re so quick to attack, judge, and cut them out of our lives that we don’t think about the positives that those people bring to our lives. Eventually with this series, I will discuss how to specifically deal with these people that frustrate us and make our blood boil. For now, I want to talk about you.

As much as we hate to admit it, we may have a part to play in our difficult relationships. Relationships are always a two-way street, and very few of us can say that we have perfectly handled a situation. Just like we hate to hear it, I hate to be the one to tell you that you may be at least partly responsible for the conflict. I’ve totally been there, the proudest person in the bunch telling you to own your mistakes. But sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes you need to look within before you cast the blame on someone else.

Paul tells us in the book of Romans to live at peace with everyone as long as it depends on you (12:18). I praise God that we have the ability to control ourselves. One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. However, that implies that we cannot control those around us. We are only responsible for ourselves. We can’t control if a family member treats us poorly, but we can control how we react. I can’t control a cutting remark from my friend, but I can control whether or not I retaliate with a cutting remark.

Think of a difficult relationship in your life, whether it’s at work, home, school, or in your family. God has given us people to sharpen us, but the sharpening process definitely hurts sometimes! But think of the last conflict you two have had, maybe even the reason why you’re so upset with him/her. This time, don’t focus on the bad that she did to you. Focus on your actions. You may not have instigated her insults (or maybe you did), but maybe you reacted in a way that wasn’t exactly holy.

The other aspect of the phrase as long as it depends on you means that you have to give it everything you’ve got to save the relationship. Obviously, if she’s toxic, you need to create some distance, but don’t make excuses and claim that you’ve done everything you can. If you need to apologize, apologize. If you need to show more love, show more love. Do whatever it takes on your end to make it right. The rest is up to her.

On the other hand, even if you start to see things from her perspective and see where you’ve also messed up, don’t excuse her behavior. Mental and emotional disorders are becoming more common these days, especially because they’re easier to diagnose now. The difficult people in your life may not be hurting you maliciously (as in, with the intent of hurting you), but if they hurt you, you still have a right to be upset. She may have suffered abuse as a child or may be carrying the weight of narcissism or OCD or ADD as an adult, but even if her disorder caused you pain, you cannot continue to tolerate the behavior. Metaphorically speaking, whether she hit you with a baseball bat because she was trying to swat a fly or because she was trying to hurt you, it hurt you! Deal with the pain, and help her by explaining your boundaries (I’ll talk more about this Wednesday).

Remember what I said about self-control? Well, I have great news for you. Your marriage does not have to suffer because of your difficult relationships. You have the choice to let that difficult person drag down your marriage. I don’t know why you’d want to let it drag down your relationship, but if you do, and it does, it’s your responsibility now. That would be your fault, not hers (the difficult person).

You and your spouse are both adults, so you get to decide what you bring into your marriage. Your parents don’t decide for you. Your teachers, college professors, bosses, whatever, don’t get to decide what you bring into your marriage. If your difficult person is a work relationship, you don’t have to bring him home. You can drive and pray and sort through your feelings before you make it back to your spouse. You don’t have to take out your anger on your spouse.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

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Book Update

Hope Against the Hopeless

For those of you who don’t know, I’ve decided to take on the genre of Christian dystopian fiction. Dystopian fiction is based on a world or society where everything has gone wrong. Think 1984, A Handmaid’s Tale, or The Hunger Games. They’re all set at some uncertain time in the future (well, except for 1984, but it was written in the 1930s so for them the ’80s was a long way ahead!), and they describe societies that promote fear, hopelessness, and deep conversations about the fate of humanity.

After hearing that description, you might be thinking, “Those novels were terribly hopeless! I mean, did you read A Handmaid’s Tale? How could you bring God into plots like that?”

My answer to you is…exactly.

Originally, I had wanted to write a novel about a woman who overcomes anxiety in order to encourage other women to find hope. Well, why not create a society that is completely against the protagonist, and watch a woman navigate her way to hope?

This journey started for me after reading A Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. I was not only disturbed by the plot and how women were treated in this story, but also the fact that they use the Bible to justify their terrible acts. Is this how Christianity is portrayed to the rest of the world? When we as Christians claim to have the hope that the world needs, is this what people are thinking? After reading this book, I wanted to create a story that discusses what a Biblical society would look like, and if it became a dystopia, why it went wrong.

I had read 1984 in high school, but I read it again this past week to confirm if this genre is the one for me. During the last section, turning each page with anticipation, my heart pounding out of my chest, nausea rising to my throat…yep, I knew that was what I was meant to write. While reading about Winston’s transformation, I thought about the martyrs who were willing to die for their faith. They went through the utmost torture, and yet they would not betray the One they loved. This book reminded me that while humans have limitations, God does not. God is the one who empowers us to make the change we wish to see in the world. Despite the worst case scenario for humanity, God is still in control, and His plan to redeem the world at the end of days is still set in stone.

The book I’m writing is the one I’ve been working on for 4 1/2 years. I had the theme this whole time, but I did not have the plot, an exciting, compelling, gut-wrenching plot. And now I do. Be prepared to sit on the edge of your seat and take in the story of a woman who feels trapped, but might finally have a way out of her mess.

Although I’ve been posting weekly updates on my blog, I’m going to reserve Fridays for book reviews from other great authors. If you want to get weekly updates sent to your e-mail about how my book is doing, click here to subscribe to my newsletter! Thanks for coming along for me on this wild ride. (Note: If you want to subscribe to my blog, which includes content every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, click the little “Follow” button on the lower right-hand side of the page. This content will also be e-mailed to you as it is posted).

Photo by JC Gellidon on Unsplash