Category: Encouragement

Categories
Marriage

Do You Delight in Evil?

Some may think that delighting in evil is simply taking pleasure when they see their enemies get what they deserve. That would be justice. However, when we walk in the way of love, we are called to take up God’s definition of justice. Did God treat us the way that we deserved? As Romans 5:8 demonstrates, Christ died for us when we did not deserve to be rescued. God’s justice, although it doesn’t make sense to us, is what has saved us. That justice should guide us through our lives as we deal with other people, especially our spouses.

Paul warns us against “delighting in evil.” He uses the Greek word adikia, which properly means “the opposite of justice.” Although injustice runs rampant in our culture, and it’s important to fight against that injustice, Christians should be concerned about the justice of God, doing things His way. Delighting in evil is the opposite of rejoicing with the truth (see Romans 1:18). If unrighteousness (adikia) and righteousness (dikaios) were to have a soccer tournament live on television, we should be rooting for dikaios.

I love words, but what do those words mean in plain English? What does this idea of rooting for righteousness look like in marriage?

My dear friend encouraged me in this season to pick one verse that would bring me through this difficult season of stepping out in faith and trusting God. During this time, my husband and I have treasured Jesus’ promise from the Sermon on the Mount: “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). Righteousness should be our priority, not just in our marriage, but in every aspect of our lives. The context of this passage is that Jesus encourages His disciples not to worry about any necessity. God will supply everything that we need, if we put our focus on Him first. We rejoice knowing that God is in control, because there is no way we could do what we are doing without His strength and guidance in our lives.

It is easy to delight in evil on a daily basis, from YouTube videos that are insulting but funny (so you have to share it on Facebook), to spending quality time gossiping with your best friend about that co-worker you can’t stand. We have been deceived into believing that connecting with people is more important than godliness. Nobody’s perfect, but if God isn’t first in our lives, we can create a community in the name of godliness that looks nothing like how God intended community to be.

“Anyone who isn’t with me opposes me, and anyone who isn’t working with me is actually working against me” (Matthew 12:30, NLT). Jesus uses these words to justify why he is not of Satan, because he drives out demons. He makes a clear divide between God and Satan, between good and evil, between righteousness and unrighteousness.

Whose side are you on? Would your answer be reflected in what gives you pleasure?

As Christians, we should rejoice with the truth, the righteousness of God. We know this truth by allowing ourselves to be sanctified by God’s word (John 17:17). We know this truth by walking with Jesus, the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). When we make a daily habit of reading God’s word and allowing Jesus to guide our steps, we can trust the Holy Spirit to guide us into all truth (John 16:13).

In your marriage, take time to pray with each other, read Scripture together, and invite the Holy Spirit to lead you as a couple. As you interact with each other, God will lead you to make wise choices and to stay away from things that are unrighteous.

“Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.”-Micah 7:18

God delights in showing mercy to His people. That is what His justice looks like. In what is your delight?

Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Where Healing Begins

In 2010, Tenth Avenue released their album “The Light Meets the Dark,” featuring a list of songs that had gotten me through a rough season with anxiety in the summer of 2012. These are the lyrics of the chorus of the song “Healing Begins”:

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark

I believe that you come to where you’re broken when you are surrounded by a great community who can support you while you are dealing with your feelings.

Naturally, I am an introvert. I prefer to be by myself most of the time. While it is healthy for me to journal and process my feelings on my own, I learned early on in my faith that I needed to be around people who can help affirm my identity and remind me that I am bigger than my darkest moment.

I praise God for the many communities that He had provided for me throughout the years. At age 12, I accepted Christ at the church I now attend because of the non-judgy attitude of the youth group. In college, I had friends on campus that would understand me at my core, because they loved me and pursued me enough to reach into those depths and ask me deep questions. In the summer of my sophomore year, I relied heavily on my college-aged friends from back home when I was dealing with loneliness and depression. When I went to Spain, my culture shock immediately dissipated when I met the godly group of young adults and teens who volunteered to take me under their wing. Because I’d had such an easily accessible community at Nyack College, it was difficult for me at first to branch out and make new friends when I graduated. However, God shortly provided a co-worker that would eat lunch with me and challenge me to grow.

I’ve found that at this time in my life, I truly need intentional community. The other communities that I had been a part of were handed to me on a silver platter. However, now, while I spend most of my days alone, I need to intentionally make time to be around my friends and family. Thank God for the three groups that I have joined this summer, where I can let my hair down and let people love me for me. As I write this, I’m sitting in the house of one of my best friends while she does schoolwork. Yesterday, I visited my sister, and we spent the day together while I did laundry and edited my novel. My husband and I also plan regular date nights each week.

Marriage does not make loneliness disappear. I want to be vulnerable with you and say that sometimes I feel lonely. Having a husband and (eventually) a house full of kids does not replace the need for Christ-centered, consistent community.

Community is not just sitting around the table and breathing the same air. Community is laughing together, crying together, listening to each other, and breathing life into each other. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you realize the importance of being together for the purpose of encouragement, support, and sharing experiences. While seasons change, pursue the people that fill you up, and know that they will walk with you in the best and worst days of your life.

If you’re like me and community does not come naturally to you, I would encourage you to find people in church, a gym, or in your own home. There are a ton of people around you who desire community, who have thousands of friends on social media but who feel disconnected from others. True connection is having the courage to reach deep into the hearts of those you love and pull out the good, the bad, and the ugly. Often, the hard part is allowing them to do that to you as well. However, as you open up and risk, you will grow more and more comfortable over time.

Matthew 18:20 says that Jesus is in the midst of a group of two or three who gather in His name. The same God that sheds light on Scripture in your locked bedroom is present in your meetings with friends and family who want to lift you up.

Here are some questions to get you thinking about how to have godly community and experience the healing that God has for you:

Who can you ask to be your friend today?
How can you invest more in the friendships you already have?
What is keeping you from truly opening up to your friends and family?

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Categories
Marriage

Love Unites

Who’s been waiting for this one? Raises hand. I’m so excited to finally delve into this topic of scorekeeping in marriage.

Did anyone keep boyfriend or girlfriend points when they were dating? This habit is behavior modification for your significant other. If your girlfriend does something good, you give her some girlfriend points. If your girlfriend does something bad, she’s able to use the points that she earned from doing something good so that you can’t get mad at her. Same is true for boyfriends.

Not surprisingly, this concept of keeping score in marriage is not biblical. Love does not keep score. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love does not seek to be right, to get even, or to insist on its own way.

My husband and I are both very competitive. Our families love to play games, and for some reason, they think it’s funny to pitch us against each other. People think I’m joking when I say that we will tear each other apart, but I’m pretty serious. In competitions, there is no love. There’s only rising to the top, beating down anyone who tries to get in our way.

For our marriage’s sake, we typically play group games where my husband and I are on a team together. Otherwise, my husband gets his feelings hurt when he loses to me (haha)! But seriously, we dominate when we are put on a team together. With my husband’s ability to think outside the box and quick reflexes, and my book knowledge and uncanny ability to guess when I don’t know the answer, we work so well together as a team. We are both independent and able to plan our own strategies, but we know that we can do better when we work together.

Because of the competitiveness of our world, it’s easy to keep score, to save a spouse’s mistake in your back pocket for when he’s mad at you, to prove that you’re right. However, that is not how God intended for us to live. He created us for community, so that we can work together and get even more accomplished. Scorekeeping divides, but love unites.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV).

In this passage, Paul uses the imagery of clothing. In the previous part of the chapter, we are told to put off our old ways and to put on these new attributes described above. My previous co-worker and I would make a practice out of pretending to put on new clothes as we listed each one: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love. Love binds all these attributes together. Scorekeeping divides, but love unites.

So, when I am dealing with my spouse, whom I am called to love, I must actively pursue the attributes listed in this verse. It is like getting dressed in the morning, an act that involves taking off my pajamas and putting on my #ootd. When I was in sin, those old habits (anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language) served to keep me in my sinful ways, but now that Christ’s death and resurrection has made me a new creation, it’s time to wake up. I must change out of my lazy pajamas and put on the clothes that show I’m ready to seize the day, confidently walking in the light of the Lord.

We are called by God to deal with others as God has dealt with us. “Forgive as God has forgiven you.” It’s hard to read verses that quote Jesus saying that God will not forgive us if we do not forgive others. He alludes to this idea several times in Scripture. If God has forgiven me from all my sin, why should I not forgive my husband for unintentionally hurting me one time? And if I don’t forgive my husband for ruffling my feathers a little bit, what does that say about my attitude toward God forgiving me for turning my back on Him and messing up so many times? Scorekeeping divides, but love unites.

Do not let bitterness keep you from loving your spouse the way that God calls you to love him/her. Be quick to forgive, talking to each other when necessary. You’ll know when it’s necessary, because you won’t be able to sleep at night. Instead of competing with one another, work together. Trust me when I say that you can accomplish much more together than separately.

Photo by Photos by Lanty on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

So What?

Last week, we talked about dealing with our feelings. I am a firm believer that we should not hide our feelings, but we should acknowledge them and process through them. Recently, however, I learned an important lesson from a beloved mentor last year: It’s great to be honest about our emotions, but it’s not okay to stay there.

Let’s say that I’m mad at my friends for not inviting me to go out with them. Do I have a right to be angry? Yes. Am I overreacting? No. God gave me emotions for a reason, and the fact that my friends did not invite me reveals an insecurity in me, and/or a mean group of friends. So at this point, I’m honest with myself about my anger. I’ve given myself permission to feel that anger. I’m not beating myself up for “overreacting” or for “taking it the wrong way.”

Yet, after a while, I begin to realize that my lonely pity party has done no good for me. It hasn’t made my relationship with my friends any better. It may have revealed some truth about how I feel about myself and about my friends, but I generally still feel bad about myself. After processing my emotions, I have to ask myself the question, “So what?”

The question is not meant to negate my emotions. I still have a right to be angry. However, I need to ask myself “So what?” so that I know where to go from here. The “So what?” question helps me come up with a plan. I could either shake it off and explain away their behavior (maybe they tried calling me when I was taking a nap), or I could confront them about it. Both solutions are meant to accomplish the same goal: Building better relationships with those around me.

You have every right to be offended, sad, surprised, hurt, disappointed, and scared. You can have emotions so deep and painful that they keep you up at night and make it impossible for you to eat. However, these emotions can be a stumbling block to your life and to your relationships. You should acknowledge and deal with your feelings, but you should also ask yourself “So what?” (What am I going to do about these feelings?).

As a woman, I have certain times of the month where my emotions are a little more difficult to manage. This is where knowing myself comes into play. If I know my period is coming, and that irritability and mood swings are both symptoms that I experience during that time, I should probably take my emotions with a grain of salt then. If my husband does something that makes me upset, maybe I should let it go instead of picking a fight with him. Maybe I should go for a walk, or work out. If you get sensitive during your period or other events that may trigger certain emotions, be aware of those times and learn how to manage your feelings when those circumstances occur.

Some people are afraid to get angry at God. God wants your honesty, your brokenness, and your desires. He can handle your anger. However, the danger with getting angry at God is staying angry at God. Anger can give off the false sense of empowerment and control, as if we could control God or be more powerful than God. If you are angry at God, pray, and allow God to reveal why you are angry. After that, do not stay angry! Ask God to help you move on from there. God wants a relationship with you more than He wants you to have feelings. At the end of the day, your goal with your emotions is to use them to help you build better relationships with yourself, with God, and with others.

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Categories
Marriage

Are You Easily Angered?

Whether you’ve been married for forty minutes for forty years, you know that your life changes the moment you say “I do.” Suddenly, a new wave of everything comes at you. All of a sudden “Mrs. So and So” becomes “Mom” and you’re expected to get along with this new family. You have to move to new places, spend money differently, and (can I say it?) have someone sleeping in your bed. It’s a lot for your heart and your mind to process, and as your family grows and moves and changes throughout the years, you’ll have to reflect on your feelings and how you will respond for your own sanity! Yet, of course, we don’t have time to reflect on our feelings when we have full-time jobs, household chores, mouths to feed, and everything else that can get in the way of making self-care a priority. When we don’t deal with our feelings, our emotions can manifest in anger.

Before we get married, we want to be perfect. We want our future spouses to be perfect. However, God didn’t intend for us to clean up our act before we get married. He wants to use your spouse to help you become more of who He created you to be. “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (Proverbs 27:17, NLT). If we could be perfect apart from community, there would be no need for community. As the body of Christ, we come alongside each other, encourage one another, and admonish one another. That community includes your spouse, especially if you both are followers of Christ.

Interestingly, when I looked up the word that Paul uses for the phrase “is not easily angered,” he uses the word paroxynetai, which means (literally), “to sharpen.” According to Strong’s Greek, the word also has a figurative meaning: “to become easily provoked.” Paul is not saying that you never get angry at the people you love. Rather, he’s echoing back to the idea of patience, reacting slowly when things do not go your way.

When people become easily angered, I believe that the people who anger them have the best of intentions. If your spouse really loves you, he’s not going to try to make you upset. However, sometimes our spouse’s loving admonishment rubs us the wrong way. We may also get angry at our spouse when we need to do the admonishing, when we notice a behavior in them that is not pleasing.

People, in general, get angry more easily around people that they love the most. I believe that we feel safe with the people who love us the most to express whatever feelings we have. Who better to trust than the one who sleeps in your bed every night? In the midst of the in-laws, the moving, the financial strain, the mundane lives, and the busyness, our spouses are meant to be safe people for us to help us process our emotions and deal with the stress.

There are ways to prevent getting easily provoked in your marriage. For those who are being provoked, remember that your husband/wife has your best interest in mind and does not intend to hurt you. If your spouse does something that irritates you, take a deep breath, step away from the situation, and then come back and talk with your spouse about why it irritates you. For those who are doing the provoking, take Paul’s advice in Ephesians 4 and learn to “speak the truth in love” (v. 15). Your spouse may need to be fixed in an area, but you can point something out without controlling them or making them angry. Don’t be like the annoying little brother in the seat next to you playing the “I’m not touching you” game.

As with every attribute of love, God in His infinite love will help you to maintain your anger and irritability. The LORD, who has revealed Himself as slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and mercy, will show you how to demonstrate that same patience, love, and mercy in your own marriage.

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Categories
anxiety

Dealing with Your Feelings

Since anxiety is a feeling, I don’t like dealing with the negative emotions that surface in my heart. While God has given me the ability to feel anger, sadness, and fear, I don’t like to admit when I have those feelings. Little do I realize on a daily basis that my anxiety stems from the bottling up of my emotions, until that uncontrolled energy explodes out from within me in the form of a panic attack, an angered outrage, or isolation.

From childhood until the present day, I’ve enjoyed writing in my journal. It has always been a way for me to process my emotions without being judged, criticized, or punished. I would write about everything, from my daily activities to the things that made me angry, sad, afraid, happy, surprised, or excited. I looked forward, I dreamed, I looked back, and I remembered. If you want to really know me, better than I know myself sometimes, read my journals.

I didn’t realize how important it was for me to journal until I wasn’t able to do so a few years ago. When life gets busy, all of your priorities and hobbies get pushed to the side. I replaced the outpouring of my heart with the hardening of it as I would fight work anxiety, do my homework, or walk from class to class. If journaling wasn’t required for a few of my classes, I would have never journaled until I would graduate college. Then, what would it take for another obligation to fill that empty space again?

You see, when I got to college, I realized that my emotions were scary. I held on to a lot of bitterness and hurt from my childhood. I didn’t realize that my life wasn’t normal until I went off to college and met “normal” people, people from homes that were peaceful and encouraging. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings to anyone for fear of judgment. I couldn’t talk to my friends, because they couldn’t possibly understand. I couldn’t talk to my family, because I didn’t want to bring up old memories between us. I feared tension, I feared conflict, and so I did whatever it took to avoid the feelings of anger, sadness, and fear in my heart.

I would run from my emotions like I was an Olympic athlete competing in the 800m. Instead of facing my anger, I would fill my day with busy activities. Instead of dealing with my sadness, I would work out. Instead of dealing with my fear, I would isolate myself. As long as I kept the smile on my face, no one had to know the pain that I carried inside of me.

Jesus says in Matthew 15 that it is not what goes into you that is unclean (meaning food), but what comes out of you (meaning bitterness, hatred, and hypocrisy). Modern day psychologists have described humans as a filled cup. If the cup is filled with anger, that’s what is going to come out if it’s tipped. If the cup is filled with love and compassion, that’s what’s going to come out. Basically, what I’m trying to say is, I couldn’t hide from these feelings, even if I tried. Eventually, trials would come, and my raw emotion would be exposed.

My raw emotion did come out, through panic attacks. I wasn’t able to control myself around anyone. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and exposed when I knew I couldn’t hide anymore.

Eventually, I asked to see a counselor, and I reached out to some of my friends for support. Slowly, I learned how to journal again, and I learned how to ask for help from a healthy community. I still have feelings of anger, sadness, and fear, but I’ve learned to control them by remembering that they are indications and not dictations about my life.

Emotions may seem scary, but they don’t have to be. If you don’t learn how to control your emotions, your emotions will control you. Make time to rest and process how you are feeling these days. If you have been feeling extra anxious lately, take some time to journal and figure out why. When you read through the pages of your journal, after you’ve calmed down, you can have better insight into your emotions. You can also call up a friend or family member and ask if you can vent (ask first, though!). Making a daily habit out of journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help you better control your emotions, and take action when you need to make reconciliation with someone.

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Categories
Marriage

Self is Blinding

I was not fully aware of the fact that I was that bad until I got married.

Before I got married, I didn’t have anyone in my life to “tell it like it is,” to make me aware of things I needed to improve in my attitude, behavior, or way of thinking. Of course, people tried, but I would justify my actions and wave away their suggestions. When you’re married, however, you can’t justify your actions as easily.

The best cure for selfishness is to take advice from the only person who knows what your morning breath smells like.

Since being married, I’ve learned that I talk a lot about myself, I overfill the garbage can, and I don’t listen as well as I’d like. Sometimes I can be grumpy, and sometimes my words can offend people. When my normally-quiet husband talks to me in general, I treasure his few words like gold. But when he says things about me that rub me the wrong way and make me uncomfortable (but are true), I have to hold that with the same weight that I hold his compliments.

There’s this running joke among married people that the things that were cute little quirks about your boyfriend or girlfriend are the things that bother you the most when you’re married. We laugh about it, but I believe that there is a purpose for this. It reminds me of our relationship with God. When God draws us into a relationship with Him, He accepts us, flaws and all. But as we grow closer to Him, He begins to show us things in our lives that we need to change.

Whether your husband leaves his dirty socks all over the floor, talks with his mouth full, or always leaves late, you may think it’s a funny trait at first, a quirky part of him that you can deal with. In the beginning, you are infatuated with everything about that person, even habits that you never put on your “list” for a potential mate. However, over time, as you’re picking up his socks, becoming nauseated by the food hanging out of his mouth, and arriving to events late, you may discover that these “little” things that bother you are not so little anymore. These are things that may bother you because they need to change. You can find healthy and polite ways to share your frustrations with your spouse in love. Then, when you share the things that bother you to your spouse, it is up to your spouse to make the decision to change. You don’t have to parent him and make him follow your every command.

Admittedly, it’s more fun to be on the giving end of criticism than on the receiving end. However, both sides are important, and need to be dealt with in love. If I’m giving criticism to someone else, I need to make sure that my words are not condemning or insulting. There’s a difference between, “Why don’t you pick up your socks? You’re so lazy!” and “Honey, I notice that you leave your socks on the floor, and I would appreciate if you put them in the hamper.”

If I’m accepting criticism from my spouse, I cannot harden my heart. I have to trust that my husband loves me enough to tell me the truth. Although it feels like his criticism of me is an attack, his criticism is simply a way for me to grow. If I disagree, I don’t have to snap at him. If I want to explain myself, I should use my words wisely.

In both of these situations, we should be praying. We love because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). Therefore, God will show us how to love our spouses, no matter if we’re pointing out a flaw, or accepting criticism about one of our own flaws. Remember that the ultimate goal is to grow closer together so that you can serve God better together.

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Categories
anxiety

Does the Word “Busy” Make You Sick, Too?

I’ve been so busy these past few years (yes, years), that the word “busy” makes me want to gag. “Oh, Elisabeth, I know you’re busy, but…” is how so many of my friends and family have approached a conversation with me lately. It wasn’t until recently that I learned that I have control over my schedule, and I can schedule periods of rest.

Like so many of you, I feel guilty when I take a break. My husband works forty hours a week, drives through an hour of traffic each way every day, and comes home with only a few hours to rest before bed. We are also both involved in ministries at church, we have family events, and we obviously want to spend time together. So, it seems natural to have a little bit of guilt to carve out a nap in the middle of the day while my husband can’t do that.

However, like all of us have unique triggers to our anxiety, we also have unique limits to our energy and unique requirements for rest. Studies say that young adults need 7-9 hours of sleep each night. You might only need 7 hours and 15 minutes, but I might need 8 hours and 45 minutes. (I haven’t quite figured out that magic number yet, but when I do, I will let you know).

God has been making it abundantly clear that I need to rest these days. I’ve been trying to develop a workout routine, start my own business, keep the house clean, maintain a blog, write a novel, and have somewhat of a social life. If you don’t work out regularly (like me), you might not know that it is important to take rest days so that your body’s muscles can recover from the intensity of lifting weights, running, or contorting into shapes that you didn’t think were possible. As a writer, I need mental and emotional rest days so I can recover from the emotional outpouring of my heart and mind into a story for all to read. When I’m editing, I also need to emotionally recover from the remorse I feel for the characters when a story ends. Practically, rest days are suggested, but biblically, rest days are required.

When you struggle with anxiety, it’s hard to know when to rest. Sometimes, even when you stop working, your mind still races a mile a minute. So, let’s talk about what it means to rest and when you should make time to rest.

God commands us to have a Sabbath rest, which is modeled after the fact that He rested on the seventh day of creation. The Sabbath shows a satisfaction in creation. God saw all that He created, and it was very good, so He rested. He didn’t have to do any more work. We should have that same mindset. If we are working 24/7 and are actually doing well at what we do, we should make time to rest, to celebrate what we’ve already done and to anticipate what we are going to do. The Sabbath was also established in the Old Testament to remind Israel that they are no longer slaves of Egypt. God had set them free, so the only master they needed to serve was Him. If you feel like a slave to your commitments, maybe you need to take time to rest.

God set up this time for us as a symbol of our need for rest. But what does it mean to rest? Like me, there are some people who cannot sit still without falling asleep. Some people have to go out for a run or draw or read a book. I believe that rest is making time for you to recharge, however you do that. Pastors Pete Scazzero and Rich Vallodas of New Life Fellowship in Queens have a video that helped me learn the idea of biblical Sabbath, and what you should do on the day that you designate to be your Sabbath.

Although we should physically rest from our jobs, our chores, and our workouts, true rest is not just a ceasing of activity; it is ultimately having inner peace. When we cease from the mundane projects that we do each day, we are reminded that our identity is not found in these things. God says that we are enough, just as we are, because of all the work that He has done for us. Do you believe that God is enough for you? Then take time to rest this week. You don’t have time? Make time. You can skip the meeting. You can call a babysitter. You can show up a few hours late to that party. Make time for you to recharge, reflect, and celebrate what God is doing in your life.

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Categories
Marriage

Showing Honor to Your Spouse

“I see London, I see France, I can see your underpants!” My aunt sang as I hid my three-year-old face into the couch after a temper tantrum. It seemed that the skirt of my dress had lifted up and my white underwear was exposed for all to see. I had brought dishonor on my parents, who had taken the time to dress me properly and who had taught me never to show my underpants to anyone in public.

The English word for “honor” connotes giving respect to those in authority over us. We honor our parents and grandparents. We honor our teachers. We honor our governing officials. We honor our bosses. However, how do we show honor to our spouses, who are supposed to be equal to us?

The Greek word that is used in 1 Corinthians 13:5 for “dishonor” (aschemonei) is translated as “acts unbecomingly.” Strong’s Greek Concordance uses the definition “to prepare disgrace for another,” while HELPS Word-Studies describes the Greek word for “dishonor” as “to lack proper form.” It turns out that my little reveal as a three-year-old was the perfect example of showing dishonor. I lacked the proper form of how a little girl should act. I was preparing disgrace for my parents as well as myself by exposing my little booty.

The only other time that this Greek word is used in Scripture is in 1 Corinthians 7, when Paul talks about an engagement relationship: “If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married” (v 36, NIV). The word has nothing to do with how the “other” is acting in this case; it only deals with the self. If you are not doing what you are supposed to do, you are showing dishonor. This thinking reveals that we should lay down our pride so that we can show honor to our spouses.

Practically, if you are not in a marriage relationship, but you are acting like you are (if you know what I mean), you are showing dishonor to your significant other. It is not a sin to get married, but it is a sin to act like you’re married when you aren’t. Everyone who has ever gotten married knows the pressure to have the biggest, most expensive wedding. However, there is no wedding more beautiful than a couple who puts all that glamour and glitz off the pedestal and focuses on showing honor to each other.

In February of 2016, my husband and I had to choose between waiting two years and waiting nine months to get married. We realized that if we kept waiting, we could have compromised, and we could have shown dishonor to one another by acting like we were married when we weren’t. We were married in November of 2016 with no regrets and with anticipation of starting our lives together.

If you are married, you can show honor to your spouse through the dictionary definition of showing honor, acting true to the form of a good spouse. Remember that the world is watching you, and they are looking for an example of what a God-centered marriage looks like. How are you going to show them that God is at the center of your marriage?

Honoring always involves looking up. Although our spouses are equal to us, we all have a standard to follow. God gives us a standard for how we should treat our spouses in Ephesians 5: women are to submit to their husbands, and men are to love their wives. That is how you show honor to your spouse.

Ultimately, when we honor others, we honor God. God will show us how to honor our spouses through His Word and through the work that He does in our hearts. If you have been acting dishonorably toward your spouse, the first step is to ask for forgiveness, both from your spouse and from God. If you trust God, He will show you how to bring honor to your spouse and how to be an example of a good marriage in a world that so desperately needs love.

Photo by Jamie Street on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

What Triggers You?

My tree nut allergy has done me more harm than good. When I go to a restaurant, I have to tell the server that I have a nut allergy. I’ve been to some restaurants that won’t even serve me because their food has been “produced in a factory that may contain nuts.” The fact that I have to explain my allergy to everyone makes me roll my eyes in disgust.

Despite the inconvenience of people misunderstanding, I could die if I didn’t explain this to people and inadvertently ate nuts. My throat could close up and I could lose my ability to breathe.

Did you know that anxiety also has allergies? They’re called triggers.

Triggers are objects, actions, or behaviors that can stir up anxiety in an individual. Our triggers are unique to our different childhood experiences. What is anxiety inducing for me may be no sweat for you, and vice versa. According to Psych Central, triggers “set off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of his/her original trauma.”

The level of anxiety that each trigger brings also depends on the level of trauma an individual has faced in his/her lifetime. Victims of sexual/physical abuse or near death experiences may have triggers that cause them to pass out or break into a panic. Others may be easily angered by a specific topic or the way a person behaves. Regardless of what you faced as a child or young adult, you don’t need to have had a traumatic experience for you to have triggers.

Unlike allergies, triggers can be eliminated in your life. However, it requires a bit of self-analysis and patience. Journaling can help you identify your triggers. Take time to think about what makes you uncontrollably angry, sad, or anxious. Dr. Margaret Paul suggests considering when the triggers started. Thinking back to what started the trigger could cause you to have a panic attack, so remember to take deep breaths and stay grounded. Remember that what happened in the past isn’t happening in this moment. If this is too difficult for you to do on your own without having anxiety, ask a trusted friend or a counselor to help you calm down as you process.

When you’ve identified your triggers, consider how you typically respond. Do you tense up? Do you feel faint? Do you have explosive anger? Do you get really quiet? The next step is to decide how you’re going to handle it differently. The traumatic experience that happened to you is in the past, and your present does not need to be defined by your past. You will need to be patient with yourself as you learn how to act differently. Take some deep breaths and practice healthy coping mechanisms to get back on track. You can’t always control how you’re going to react, but focus on what you can control: your breathing, counting backwards from 10, or squeezing a stress ball.

As a Christian, I believe that God can heal your pain by filling that hole that the trauma left. If you were in a near death experience, maybe God wants to show you how He saved your life. If you were abused, maybe God wants to show you His perfect love. If you were abandoned, maybe God wants to show you how He will never leave you or forsake you. Since people have had different experiences, this may seem like a slap in the face that I’m simplifying these Biblical truths like a spiritual band-aid over your deep-rooted pain. However, I’ve seen God heal people from severe trauma, whether it took a few hours or a few decades.

I can’t speak for God and say how He was specifically with you in the midst of your trauma. However, I can say that Romans 8:28 says that God works all things for the good of those who love Him. That does not mean that we have a carefree life, but it means that God can even make a bad situation good. God can redeem your story so that you can help others and you can experience joy again.

God can meet you in your pain. Let Him redeem your story. Be patient with yourself as you heal from the triggers that your past experiences have caused you. It will take time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Photo by Mitch Lensink on Unsplash