Category: Encouragement

Categories
Marriage

Preparing for Marriage

Preparing for your marriage is vital for success. During engagement, you and your betrothed are laying the foundation for the rest of your marriage. If you get off on the wrong foot, of course, God is still able to help you and heal you. But while you have the tools now, why wait until things get worse to make them better? If you don’t want the house of your marriage to crumble, make sure you have a strong foundation, one that is built on Christ and His teachings.

Here are the ways that we prepared for marriage, and specifically, how they have helped us thus far:

Deciding you are a team. Lenny and I are a team, as we have been since we made our relationship official. Knowing we were a team made it easier to make decisions, and to show respect to one another. Your finances are connected, your boundaries are connected, and you are connected. Marriage connects you to your spouse on a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual level. Get accustomed to practice being a team, even as an engaged couple.

Pre-marital counseling. I struggled with pride big time in the beginning of my relationship with Lenny, so getting a diagnostic test of how well they thought we would do as a couple was both intimidating and eye-opening. It is a counselor’s job to be neutral, but reflective. If you get your pre-marital counseling from a pastor, you will get counsel from a person who loves you and cares about you, but will know how to keep it biblical rather than personal. We also had our pre-marital counseling at an office about forty minutes from where we lived, so we had the opportunity to catch up before our session, and then process on the way home. Most churches require you to have pre-marital counseling in order for you to get married there, but even if you aren’t required, I encourage you to find a local Christian counselor who can start you and your betrothed off on the right foot.

Other married couples. From the moment we got engaged, we were blessed with so much encouragement from more mature couples. A week after our engagement, one of our small group leaders saw me from across the atrium at church and invited us to their group specifically for newlywed and engaged couples. Since that invitation, we have connected with our small group, as well as other young married couples in the church who are just a little bit more mature in their marriage than us. It has been great simply to have people who understand what we’ve gone through, especially in a world that says that marriage is when your life ends. You would not believe how many people told us that we’d have a couple of good years, and then it would get very difficult and we wouldn’t be as close as we are now. Two years later, I’m not saying that marriage is perfect, but it has not been as bad as people had warned. I’m thankful for the people who have spoken life into our marriage rather than declaring our marriage a curse from the beginning. For those who are married, speak life into these newlywed and engaged couples, instead of setting them up for failure. For those who are engaged, find couples who will speak life into you and your betrothed.

Marriage devotionals. Lenny and I both like to read. In our small group, we’ve done several marriage Bible studies, that have each spoken to us in different ways and have helped us in each season so far. We also do marriage Bible plans on the YouVersion app and pray together as a couple. But we started that when we were engaged, seeking God’s will and blessing for our future marriage. You can search for marriage plans on the YouVersion app, or you can study a topic together from the Bible to increase your faith and grow in God together.

The heart behind Marriage Monday is to show you how to have hope and love in your marriage through the power of God. Lenny and I thank God that we have seen God’s power and blessing in our marriage, because we have chosen to honor Him from the very beginning. We challenge you to make the same decision. Put God first in your marriage, and everything else will fall into place. It may not be perfect, but it will be much easier and more fun with God on your side. I pray that the posts that follow and that I have written about marriage will encourage you in this next step toward your marriage. In this next season, have fun preparing for marriage!

Photo by Daniel McCullough on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

What IS the True Meaning of Christmas?

At the beginning of this year, a lot of my Christian writer friends were posting about their word for the year. While I had never done it before, I decided to pray about what my word would be. My word for 2018 is “declutter,” based on Hebrews 12:2.

For most of the year, I decluttered my living space, my work space, my schedule, my relationships, and my heart. My goal was to get rid of all the junk in my life so I had more room for God. Now, at the end of this year, God is asking me to do the converse: make room for God so that there’s no room for the junk.

If I’m honest, I’ll admit that there was a lot of junk this year, not only in my personal life, but in the world around me. Social media has practically become a garbage dump where people are venting about random stuff that no one cares about, and then other people are tearing them apart for it. I’ve spent a huge chunk of this year (you know, eleven months), trying to find the redemptive qualities of the toxic environments, when God has been calling me to run away! Now, I’m not saying all social media is bad, but in this season, it is not the best for my soul. No more looking for the nutrition facts of bio-hazardous material!

All the while, Christmas sort of just showed up, and now we’re plagued with the same question that we are every year: What is the true meaning of Christmas?

Well, what is it? Why do you get together with your family every year? Why do you do all your shopping? Why did you buy that ugly Christmas sweater for the party you’re attending next week?

I believe in the midst of all the junk in our lives, we run the risk of missing the point. Sure, family, friends, giving gifts, belief in miracles, and even politics are all important, but they’re not the point. When we realize what the point is, that’s when all the other stuff in our life makes sense.

Christmas (in particular, the Advent season) is about God coming to Earth in the form of a baby, Jesus. The prophets spoke of this child for centuries before He was even born. I was just reading in my devotional today that Jesus fulfilled 108 prophecies spoken about Him during His life on Earth. When Christ was born, God did something huge, something that had never been done before, something that we are still talking about millennia later! I think it’s time we pay attention to the message God is saying to us (and has been saying to us for thousands of years) through this miracle.

Jesus coming to Earth speaks to people’s heart in different ways, especially since He came for multiple reasons. He came to set us free from our sin. He came to give us an example of righteousness. He came to put the law to death. He came to show what it means to be humble. He came because He loves us.

Sure, the thrill of opening presents on Christmas morning is euphoric. Seeing my family is such a joy. Listening to Christmas music and decorating the tree and wearing silly ugly Christmas sweaters is essential to get through the holiday blues. But nothing gives me more lasting joy, more perfect peace, more everlasting love, than knowing that the God who created the Heavens and the Earth came to this broken, desperate, hopeless world to show us how to live and to demonstrate His love for us.

Remembering the true meaning of Christmas makes all the junk disappear.

Photo by Gareth Harper on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Be a Team Player

You may be wondering how Lenny feels about me writing about our marriage. Do you really think that I’m venting about my husband without his permission?

On this blog, I really don’t talk about deep issues in our marriage. I don’t believe an online platform is the place to do that. As a matter of fact, I don’t believe I should be complaining to my husband or my marriage about anyone. For those who like to vent about their significant others to your parents or your siblings or your best friend or even his parents (seriously?), read this clearly: STOP! Fighting in marriage should be like sex in marriage. Everyone knows you do it, but no one is involved in the details. When I share something about Lenny, I always ask his permission first, or I use an insignificant detail, like him leaving his socks on the floor (which he never does!).

You know why? Because we’re a team.

When we first got engaged, we spent a LOT of time preparing for marriage. We joined a Bible study for newlywed and engaged couples. We went through eight sessions of premarital counseling. We read whatever we could. And we prayed. A lot.

By doing this, we not only learned the value of teamwork, but we learned how to be a team. Now, in everything I do, from how I spend my money to how I conduct myself on Facebook, I have my husband in mind. I know he does the same for me.

While reflecting on what makes a good team, here are some attributes I’ve considered. I pray that you also think about making your marriage into a team effort, and that you and your spouse can both be team players.

Collaboration. In a team, each player has different strengths to contribute to the overall well-being of the group. We’ve discovered recently that we have different strengths and weaknesses, as well as different priorities. Not that we don’t care about each other, but that we are so focused on other things that we don’t think about everything. In our fight for control, we’ve learned how to let it go and let our spouse take control in the areas that matter to them. We’ve also learned not to compete in the midst of our different strengths and weaknesses. Instead of working against each other, we work with each other in order to achieve our goals together.

Respect. In a team, each player shares equal value. While my priorities may be different from Lenny’s, I respect his opinion and his feelings, as he does for me. I show respect to Lenny by listening to him, making eye contact with him when he wants my attention, and using an encouraging tone while speaking to him. He doesn’t want me to be his parent, so I shouldn’t talk to him like I’m above him.

Communication (and Prayer). I’ve always believed that communication is key in any relationship. Prayer is communication with God, and constant communication with our Heavenly Father is vital for us to have healthy relationships. Lenny and I pray on a daily basis and seek God’s will for our lives. We also talk consistently about our goals for the future and about our progress toward those goals. We discuss when incidences happen and how to avoid conflicts in the future. But even questions such as, “The dishwasher’s dirty. Can you put that dish in the dishwasher?” or “Next time you go to the store, can you pick up some more chicken?” are vital toward our marriage team. How is Lenny supposed to know I want that dish in the dishwasher if I don’t tell him? How am I supposed to know Lenny’s hungry for chicken if he doesn’t tell me? We’re not in the business of reading each other’s minds. We have to remain in constant communication, so that we can know what we’re thinking and make a game plan for the future.

Celebration. My favorite part of being on this marriage team is celebrating when we’ve done something right. We celebrate everything, from keeping our cool in front of difficult people to paying off debt. Life is so much more fun when we look back and see how far we’ve come, and how much God has done in our lives.

If you want to turn your marriage into a team effort, go for it. There is nothing stopping you from beginning this journey now. All it takes is a humble attitude, respect, communication, and celebration. Practice at least one of these attributes today, and let me know how it goes!

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Rising Above the Fear of Flying

Last week for Thanksgiving, I had the privilege of surprising my husband’s grandmother for her 80th birthday. Lenny’s entire family on his mom’s side was there, except for a few people. It was a great time hanging out with his cousins. However, since his grandmother lives in Florida, I had to take a three-hour plane ride.

The idea of taking a plane literally debilitates me. My grandfather swore he would never get on a plane, and he never did. Since I love to travel, I have decided that flying will forever be a part of my life. Now that I’ve survived taking a plane twice (as well as the one-hundred times before that!), I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned in case you also have the same anxiety.

Prepare yourself in advance. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. You are in control of your mind. The week before Thanksgiving, I was a wreck thinking about flying. All the what-ifs flooding into my mind, stealing my sleep, my appetite, and my joy. This time, I put on worship music whenever I felt anxious and remembered all the other flights where God has been with me. God is faithful. He is literally holding up the plane, and He’s got you in the palm of His hand.

Don’t think too much about it. There are a few reasons why flying debilitates me. However, knowing the reasons does not make me feel any better. This last time I got on the plane, I didn’t even have time to worry. Some people in our party wanted to get Burger King, and the line was ridiculously long. We didn’t make it to the gate for our plane until we were boarding. Normally, I would be sitting at the gate, pacing the floor and dreading my impending doom. This time, I didn’t have time to worry, and I chose to forget about it. By the time we took off, I was fine. I didn’t even feel dizzy like I normally do. If you try to rationalize while you’re on the flight, you’ll make yourself crazy. Just let it go and relax.

Thank God for flight attendants! They are fully equipped to help you in any situation. Sometimes, I tell them that I’m scared, and they keep an eye on me during the flight. I’ve had some flight attendants stand next to me and coach me before take-off. Although I’ve never actually been sick on a plane, most (I can’t stay all because there is mixed information out there) are trained for medical emergencies and know what to do in case I’m not feeling well. On that note, please be respectful to flight attendants! They do way more than we even know.

Pray for an angel. I’m a firm believer that God provides what we need when we need it. Last year, I went to the Dominican Republic with my family. During takeoff, I prayed and asked God to help me. When the plane leveled out, I turned next to me to see a woman reading Psalms on her phone. We talked the entire flight; I didn’t even think about how high we were until the flight was over! I believed God sent her to encourage me and to show me His peace. If you’re scared, pray for God to provide exactly what you need.

Make sure you eat and drink. Since I’m afraid of getting sick on the plane, the idea of eating scares me. However, Lenny discovered on this past flight that eating actually helps me. I would choose something light, like pretzels or crackers and water. Don’t eat it all at once, but make sure you eat at least a little something during your flight.

Essential oils. I’m not a huge fan of medication, so instead of anxiety medication, I bring essential oils. This trip, I brought Lavender and Stress Away from Young Living. Put a little on your wrists and sniff your wrists when you get nervous. If you’re really inconsolable, but some lavender under your nose so you can breathe it in more accessibly.

Distraction, distraction, distraction. I love that planes have movies and even video games on their flights now. This time, I downloaded an audiobook on my phone and played a few games. It definitely made time go a lot more quickly on the plane!

What techniques help you when you’re flying? Share them in the comments below!

 

Photo by Tim Dennert on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Encouragement for Those Who Are Sick of “The Question”

We newlyweds get this question all the time, especially at holidays: “When are you going to have kids?” This question is particularly challenging because, I’ve noticed, there isn’t a lot of Christian material out there for just Christian wives. I’m reading a book now that talks about being a confident woman, but the author dedicates several chapters to how she feels about being a mom. Don’t get me wrong, I love free parenting advice, but it’s almost like someone sent me a text message that was meant for someone else.

As a disclaimer for some of the readers in my family who think that this is a direct attack on them, I did get asked this question a lot over the weekend, and your questions did inspire this post. I’m more comfortable with this conversation now than I was, you know, during my wedding reception. However, while talking with my family, I gleaned some encouragement that I wanted to share with the couples out there who are still rolling their eyes when people see a baby and ask when they’re going to have one. So, thanks to my family for asking the difficult questions.

Some people are selfish, but most people mean well. Most people are also genuinely interested about your plans for your life. The people in your family or at church are simply enjoying watching you grow and taking the next step of your life.

I first noticed people asking me about the next step of my life when I was trying to pick a college. During my senior year, I didn’t know where I was going to go yet, but I remember getting asked about it five times in only one day. But the questions didn’t stop there. When I decided on a college, I didn’t have a major. When I decided on a major, I didn’t have a car. When I got a car, I didn’t have a degree. When I got a degree, I didn’t have a job. When I got a job, I didn’t have a boyfriend. When I got a boyfriend, I didn’t have an engagement ring. When I got an engagement ring, I didn’t have a wedding ring. When I got a wedding ring, I didn’t have a baby. Or a house. Or another baby. And then my kids will get asked the questions.

Some of my family members are in high school now, and I ask them almost every time I see them where they’re going to college and what they want to do as a career. It may not be what they end up doing for college (they still have a couple of years), but it’s nice to see that them grown up and making big-kid decisions. So, when I get asked the question, “When are you having kids?” it’s really just the next step of life, and I’m sure the person asking me is just really happy to see me grown up and making big-kid decisions.

If you get asked this question a lot, think of it as a compliment. It means that you’re ready in the world’s eyes. It means that the person asking you sees you as a mature adult now, able to parent your own children and make big-kid decisions. Please, do not see it as an insult. You and your husband are complete without children. You and your husband are not lazy for choosing to wait. You and your husband have your priorities in order if your priorities include focusing on your marriage or saving money.

For those of you who are sensitive about this topic, try not to answer their prying questions with too much detail. My husband and I already have a rough draft idea for our children, from when we want to start trying to get pregnant, to actually raising our kids. Hormones and circumstances could change things, but no one knows that plan but us and God. Why? Because no one will be happy (I mean 100% happy) with our plans, because they’re not their plans.

Being vague with our plans also gives God space to work. God is ultimately the giver of life. I know people who were on birth control and got pregnant anyway. I know people who used every form of fertility method and still couldn’t get pregnant. Our answer, over all, should be that we’ll have children in God’s timing. Until then, we’re serving Him as best as we can as husband and wife by loving each other and growing where we are planted.

Photo by Andrew Itaga on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Jesus Took Naps; Be Like Jesus

I first saw this phrase over the summer. At first, I thought it was permission to be lazy (for some of you, it might be!), but there is much to be learned from Jesus’ nap on the boat (Mark 4:35-41).

One day, Jesus took His disciples on a boat at night. After a long day with the crowds, I’m sure the disciples were looking forward to a nice relaxing night on the boat. But what is described as “a furious squall” erupts in the sky, and the wind and the waves seem to ambush the boat. How could God let this happen? His disciples actually had problems? How could it be so?!

Throughout this storm, Jesus is asleep. In the middle of the storm, when everything was going crazy, that’s when Jesus decides to take a nap. It makes sense, since He spent most of His waking hours teaching and healing people. Now that the crowds were gone, He can sleep. The gospel of Mark even says that Jesus is sleeping on a cushion! But wouldn’t He want more calming music to help Him relax, as opposed to the whistling of the wind and the crashing of the waves?

When they find Jesus, the disciples instantly wake Him up and ask Him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” I believe they were right to turn to their Master, to believe that He could stop the wind and the waves from destroying the ship. And in all seriousness, they are in danger in this story. However, the stance of Jesus during the hubbub should have been a cue for the disciples to follow.

You see, by taking a nap, Jesus demonstrates that there is no reason to be afraid, even in the midst of the storm. If Jesus was worried, then the disciples should be worried. Since He is at peace, the disciples should be at peace as well. Jesus is helping to grow their faith by reminding them that they are braver than they think, and more equipped than they think.

After all, most of them are fishermen! Was that the first time they were ever in a storm? Did they know that a storm was in the forecast? Did they try to warn Jesus before getting on the storm? Why were they so afraid when they’ve done this multiple times?

Because no matter how equipped they were, they were not Jesus. Their skills were limited, while the skills of Jesus are unlimited.

Right after the disciples wake up Jesus, He rises to His feet and calms the wind and the waves in an instant. His power didn’t activate because He was awake. He had that power all along, available to Him at any moment.

The last time I was on a plane, I was incredibly nervous, especially because they didn’t assign us seats until we were boarding, and I needed to sit with my husband Lenny or I would go nuts. Thank God, we were able to sit together, but I was still a little uneasy before takeoff.  A few minutes into the flight, I look over, and my husband is asleep! Granted, it was early in the morning, but didn’t he know I needed him? When I woke him up, he looked up at me, annoyed, and said, “You’re fine. Go to bed.” My husband fell asleep because he knew I wasn’t in danger. Since he relaxed, I was able to relax, too.

Jesus didn’t nap because He was lazy. Jesus wasn’t avoiding His problems. He wasn’t waiting for the day to fast forward so that He could start over the next day. I’m guilty of taking a nap because anxiety stole my ability to solve problems, and I’m guilty of taking a nap because depression stole my ability to enjoy the day. But I’m also guilty of neglecting to rest when I think I have to do it all. Instead, I have to let Jesus take over and direct my steps. His Spirit lives in me, helping me live each day. And if He’s napping, I’m napping too!

When anxiety strikes, I instantly forget how smart I am, how brave I am, and how stupid these lies are. But when I look to Jesus, the one who is control, and I see that He was able to sleep in the midst of a scary storm, then He suddenly calms the wind and the waves in my heart.

So, on that note, even though I have a ton of things to do and I’m incredibly anxious about the next few days, I’m going to take a nap!

Photo by Ethan Sykes on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Don’t Parent Your Spouse

Whether you have kids of your own or not, people joke all the time that if you’re married, you have at least one kid. What a terrible joke, to say that the loves of our lives are mere children! Unfortunately, sometimes we treat our spouses like children.

On The Good Doctor, one of the staff members made a statement (paraphrased below) that describes the difference between parents and spouses: “Parents know their sons as boys, but wives know their sons as men.” How true that is! Even when I was a little girl, I imagined my Prince Charming, not as a little boy but as a mature adult, strong enough to stand by my side and valiantly face whatever life throws at us. Although it is my job to help my husband grow into maturity, why is it so tempting to talk to him like he’s five?

Generally, women are more guilty of talking down to their spouses, but men do it also. I can only speak from the experience as a woman, but I’m sure men could learn from my words as well. In our society, the pendulum has swung in the exact opposite direction, from “submit to your husband” (as in, “your husband can do with you as he pleases”) to “parent your husband.” It may be a control issue, it may be payback for a patriarchal society, it may even be a response to how our spouses were raised, but it’s time that we treat our spouses like adults.

After all, the more you treat your spouse like a child, the more your spouse will act in childish behavior.

Start by praying to see your spouse as an adult. God calls us to maturity, and as spouses, we should be helping our spouses to grow in faith and character. Our spouses should be doing that for us as well. Pray that God would give you eyes to see your spouse the way that God sees him, and pray about your speech and your behavior toward him.

My husband and I do not have any children yet, but we are having conversations about our future parenting styles. If you don’t have children yet, but are treating your spouse like a child, write down or make a mental note of statements you make to your spouse that sound more like a parent than a spouse. After reviewing the words you say, decide if that is even how you would want to parent your children! It can be a learning experience for both of you to talk about how it feels to be spoken to that way, so it might hurt your children if you talk to them that way as well.

Finally, I think we need to stop congratulating our spouses as a form of positive reinforcement. My husband put away some dishes that I left out, and while I appreciate what he did, I didn’t make a huge deal out of it. We are both responsible to keep our space neat and to put everything back in its place. I pick up Lenny’s socks from the floor (NOT all the time!) but no one throws me a party. Why do I have to make such a big deal over Lenny doing me a “favor”? Let’s have a conversation with our spouses about the expectations for our household chores and finances. That way, our spouses will actually do what we expect from them, instead of guessing what we want them to do.

Generally speaking, people work in different rhythms. I may ask my husband to do something for me, and it may take him five minutes just to get up from his chair. In my mind, what I need is an emergency, but in his mind, it can wait. Our conflicting personalities in this way have grown my patience and have grown my husband’s efficiency. Just because he doesn’t get up right when I ask him to, doesn’t mean I should treat him like a child. He’s an adult; he can make his own decision about when to get up from his chair. Unless I’m bleeding or the house is on fire, there is no need for him to rush.

Overall, have grace with yourself and with your spouse. You don’t have to control your spouse; you have to be patient and let him do it in his own time. Your spouse also needs to have patience with you, since it’s frustrating when your spouse treats you like a baby. Have an honest talk about the communication in your marriage, and make steps to grow each other into maturity instead of keeping them locked in childish behavior.

Photo by Guillaume de Germain on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Dealing with Difficult People: Is it Me?

Last month, I wrote a post on dealing with difficult people, about how we should have more understanding toward those people. We’re so quick to attack, judge, and cut them out of our lives that we don’t think about the positives that those people bring to our lives. Eventually with this series, I will discuss how to specifically deal with these people that frustrate us and make our blood boil. For now, I want to talk about you.

As much as we hate to admit it, we may have a part to play in our difficult relationships. Relationships are always a two-way street, and very few of us can say that we have perfectly handled a situation. Just like we hate to hear it, I hate to be the one to tell you that you may be at least partly responsible for the conflict. I’ve totally been there, the proudest person in the bunch telling you to own your mistakes. But sometimes the truth hurts. Sometimes you need to look within before you cast the blame on someone else.

Paul tells us in the book of Romans to live at peace with everyone as long as it depends on you (12:18). I praise God that we have the ability to control ourselves. One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. However, that implies that we cannot control those around us. We are only responsible for ourselves. We can’t control if a family member treats us poorly, but we can control how we react. I can’t control a cutting remark from my friend, but I can control whether or not I retaliate with a cutting remark.

Think of a difficult relationship in your life, whether it’s at work, home, school, or in your family. God has given us people to sharpen us, but the sharpening process definitely hurts sometimes! But think of the last conflict you two have had, maybe even the reason why you’re so upset with him/her. This time, don’t focus on the bad that she did to you. Focus on your actions. You may not have instigated her insults (or maybe you did), but maybe you reacted in a way that wasn’t exactly holy.

The other aspect of the phrase as long as it depends on you means that you have to give it everything you’ve got to save the relationship. Obviously, if she’s toxic, you need to create some distance, but don’t make excuses and claim that you’ve done everything you can. If you need to apologize, apologize. If you need to show more love, show more love. Do whatever it takes on your end to make it right. The rest is up to her.

On the other hand, even if you start to see things from her perspective and see where you’ve also messed up, don’t excuse her behavior. Mental and emotional disorders are becoming more common these days, especially because they’re easier to diagnose now. The difficult people in your life may not be hurting you maliciously (as in, with the intent of hurting you), but if they hurt you, you still have a right to be upset. She may have suffered abuse as a child or may be carrying the weight of narcissism or OCD or ADD as an adult, but even if her disorder caused you pain, you cannot continue to tolerate the behavior. Metaphorically speaking, whether she hit you with a baseball bat because she was trying to swat a fly or because she was trying to hurt you, it hurt you! Deal with the pain, and help her by explaining your boundaries (I’ll talk more about this Wednesday).

Remember what I said about self-control? Well, I have great news for you. Your marriage does not have to suffer because of your difficult relationships. You have the choice to let that difficult person drag down your marriage. I don’t know why you’d want to let it drag down your relationship, but if you do, and it does, it’s your responsibility now. That would be your fault, not hers (the difficult person).

You and your spouse are both adults, so you get to decide what you bring into your marriage. Your parents don’t decide for you. Your teachers, college professors, bosses, whatever, don’t get to decide what you bring into your marriage. If your difficult person is a work relationship, you don’t have to bring him home. You can drive and pray and sort through your feelings before you make it back to your spouse. You don’t have to take out your anger on your spouse.

Photo by Niklas Hamann on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Work Anxiety

From the day I started working in 2011, I’ve had work anxiety at almost all of my jobs. My anxiety would manifest in stomachaches, headaches, dizziness, hot flashes, and irritability. Experiencing work anxiety every day is distracting, so I’m learning in my current job how to overcome it so that I can enjoy the blessing that God has given me.

Last week, I started a part-time job at a publishing company about ten minutes from where I live. Talk about a God-send! Because Lenny and I are saving for a house, we needed a little extra income. I wanted a job with flexible hours and a short commute. God has truly blessed me with a job that is literally ten minutes from my house, and my shifts are only four hours a day. Although I can mentally comprehend that this is a gift from God, from the beginning, my anxiety has been faithful to distract me. By the grace of God, I’ve been able to acquire techniques to put the anxiety out of my mind and to pursue this dream.

Why do you have anxiety? Work combines interacting with people, being confined to a space for a set amount of time, and often handling money. Anyone with social anxiety, claustrophobia, agoraphobia (fear of being stuck in a situation), or Chrometophobia (fear of money) would choke up at the thought of doing anything work-related. What if I disappoint my boss or my co-workers? What if I have an emergency and they don’t let me leave, or they judge me for being sensitive? What if I have to handle money and I cost the company thousands of dollars? The first step to curing your work anxiety is figuring out what scares you about your job. It might be difficult to pinpoint in the beginning. There may be several aspects of your job that scare you. Take the time to think about why you’re anxious at work, and voice them out loud.

Journal. Along with voicing your fears out loud, journaling can also help you overcome your work anxiety. Not only can you write down your fears, but also your frustrations and shortcomings. If you have an unresolved conflict with a co-worker or a boss, it’s better to keep it to yourself than to spread gossip all around the office. There’s no better outlet for a conflict than your journal. You can process your thoughts and come up with a plan to tackle your fears. Remember, you are in control of your body. Anxiety may seem to have control over you, but it doesn’t.

Pray. When you feel like you’re not in control, pray. Honestly, I thank God for my anxiety because it causes me to rely on Him. I pray on my way to work, while I’m at work, and on my drive home. God is the one who gave you this job, so thank Him for it. Confess that you might not be as excited as you had thought because of your anxiety. Ask for help in controlling your anxiety and enjoying this gift that God has given you. If you have processed why you have anxiety at your job, tell God about it, and surrender your fear to Him. Then, while you’re at work, remember that He is with you. Imagine Him sitting right next to you as you type on your computer, make phone calls, fold clothes, or sit in the break room. At the end of the day, thank God for bringing you through your shift.

Use healthy coping mechanisms. No one is expecting you to put yourself in a severely anxiety-inducing situation. If you have triggers, don’t let them distract you. My anxiety manifests in stomachaches. To cope with that, I chew on a piece of mint-flavored gum or I rub lavender on my wrists. Deep breathing, meditating on Scripture, or talking with co-workers are also healthy coping mechanisms that can take the edge off of your work anxiety.

Our jobs are blessings from God, but when we have anxiety, we don’t always feel like they are. We feel guilty admitting that we have anxiety over the gifts that God has given us. If that is the case for you, let me be the first to admit that you’re not alone. I’ve struggled with work anxiety for seven years, and I still struggle for multiple reasons. However, I have faith that God is helping me through it, and I believe God can help you too if you let Him.

Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Why the Second Year Should Be the Second Hardest

Last year, I wrote about why the first year of marriage is the hardest. I discussed how marriage is sacrifice, and how we need to lay down our independence in order to fully love our spouses.

I grew up with the idea that my husband will make all my problems disappear. Anyone who has been married past “I do” can tell you that marriage is very hard work! However, while Lenny doesn’t make all my problems go away, he makes it easier to face them. He has been a wonderful accountability partner, and in the midst of the challenge, we make it fun.

In our first year of marriage, Lenny and I did everything together. Everything was a new experience for us. Even though I had gone to the grocery store before, it was a new adventure altogether going with my husband for the first time! Whatever we did, we did with fresh eyes. From going on two family vacations, to spending the holidays together, to moving into a new apartment and starting new jobs, we had a lot of energizing moments that propelled our first year of marriage and made it interesting.

Our society loves to chase the new and exciting. We’ve learned during our second year of marriage that we can’t do that. Once the first anniversary comes and goes, life goes on. And, to be honest, life gets a little boring. Although we did have some excitement this year, like starting new jobs, going on vacation with my family, and moving into yet another apartment, for the most part, we’re settling into a routine. Lenny and I are now officially in the jobs that we’ll probably have for the rest of our lives.

Most of us have been trained to think about the next best thing. Literally, right after we got married, people already asked me when I was having children. Can we just agree to stop that? If you’re in the midst of that now, trust me, people eventually stop asking you! However, even when you attain that next milestone, the questions never stop. When are you going to get a house? When are you going to put your kids in school? When are you having a second, third, or fourth baby? What is your two-year-old going to study college?

Looking toward the next best thing is a form of escapism. If we don’t like our reality, we tend to focus on a fantasy future that will make our present a little more bearable. Since I’m used to that way of thinking, it is often tempting not to enjoy what God has given us now and focus on what we still need to attain. We find ourselves discontent that life has settled, because nothing new and exciting is happening. While I know this lull happens multiple times in marriage, the second year is the hardest because this is the first time we experience it.

During your first year of marriage, when everything is new, when you’re practically treated as celebrities, it is easy to be emotionally invested in your marriage. However, as life goes on, you have to fight to enjoy the mundane. Practice thankfulness each day. Vocalize your thankfulness to your spouse; show what you appreciate about him/her and about what is going on in your life. When you focus on the positive, the negative seems to fade away.

I believe we have made the most out of this season of settling. We have been intentional about demonstrating thankfulness for what God has given us in this season. Since God has made it clear that we are in this season until further notice, we’ve decided not to bring up certain milestones until we feel God’s peace. Until then, we’ve learned to vocalize our contentment, with our dreams for our future in the back of our heads. We have our goals written down and posted on our refrigerator. To me, that means we are aware of them, but they’re not our focus. In the midst of the waiting and the living, no matter what we endure together, Lenny and I have each other. And that’s what makes marriage an adventure.

Although, maybe it would be a little easier if we still had our wedding cake from two years ago!

Photo by Stephen Cook on Unsplash