Categories
anxiety

Work Anxiety

From the day I started working in 2011, I’ve had work anxiety at almost all of my jobs. My anxiety would manifest in stomachaches, headaches, dizziness, hot flashes, and irritability. Experiencing work anxiety every day is distracting, so I’m learning in my current job how to overcome it so that I can enjoy the blessing that God has given me.

Last week, I started a part-time job at a publishing company about ten minutes from where I live. Talk about a God-send! Because Lenny and I are saving for a house, we needed a little extra income. I wanted a job with flexible hours and a short commute. God has truly blessed me with a job that is literally ten minutes from my house, and my shifts are only four hours a day. Although I can mentally comprehend that this is a gift from God, from the beginning, my anxiety has been faithful to distract me. By the grace of God, I’ve been able to acquire techniques to put the anxiety out of my mind and to pursue this dream.

Why do you have anxiety? Work combines interacting with people, being confined to a space for a set amount of time, and often handling money. Anyone with social anxiety, claustrophobia, agoraphobia (fear of being stuck in a situation), or Chrometophobia (fear of money) would choke up at the thought of doing anything work-related. What if I disappoint my boss or my co-workers? What if I have an emergency and they don’t let me leave, or they judge me for being sensitive? What if I have to handle money and I cost the company thousands of dollars? The first step to curing your work anxiety is figuring out what scares you about your job. It might be difficult to pinpoint in the beginning. There may be several aspects of your job that scare you. Take the time to think about why you’re anxious at work, and voice them out loud.

Journal. Along with voicing your fears out loud, journaling can also help you overcome your work anxiety. Not only can you write down your fears, but also your frustrations and shortcomings. If you have an unresolved conflict with a co-worker or a boss, it’s better to keep it to yourself than to spread gossip all around the office. There’s no better outlet for a conflict than your journal. You can process your thoughts and come up with a plan to tackle your fears. Remember, you are in control of your body. Anxiety may seem to have control over you, but it doesn’t.

Pray. When you feel like you’re not in control, pray. Honestly, I thank God for my anxiety because it causes me to rely on Him. I pray on my way to work, while I’m at work, and on my drive home. God is the one who gave you this job, so thank Him for it. Confess that you might not be as excited as you had thought because of your anxiety. Ask for help in controlling your anxiety and enjoying this gift that God has given you. If you have processed why you have anxiety at your job, tell God about it, and surrender your fear to Him. Then, while you’re at work, remember that He is with you. Imagine Him sitting right next to you as you type on your computer, make phone calls, fold clothes, or sit in the break room. At the end of the day, thank God for bringing you through your shift.

Use healthy coping mechanisms. No one is expecting you to put yourself in a severely anxiety-inducing situation. If you have triggers, don’t let them distract you. My anxiety manifests in stomachaches. To cope with that, I chew on a piece of mint-flavored gum or I rub lavender on my wrists. Deep breathing, meditating on Scripture, or talking with co-workers are also healthy coping mechanisms that can take the edge off of your work anxiety.

Our jobs are blessings from God, but when we have anxiety, we don’t always feel like they are. We feel guilty admitting that we have anxiety over the gifts that God has given us. If that is the case for you, let me be the first to admit that you’re not alone. I’ve struggled with work anxiety for seven years, and I still struggle for multiple reasons. However, I have faith that God is helping me through it, and I believe God can help you too if you let Him.

Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Why the Second Year Should Be the Second Hardest

Last year, I wrote about why the first year of marriage is the hardest. I discussed how marriage is sacrifice, and how we need to lay down our independence in order to fully love our spouses.

I grew up with the idea that my husband will make all my problems disappear. Anyone who has been married past “I do” can tell you that marriage is very hard work! However, while Lenny doesn’t make all my problems go away, he makes it easier to face them. He has been a wonderful accountability partner, and in the midst of the challenge, we make it fun.

In our first year of marriage, Lenny and I did everything together. Everything was a new experience for us. Even though I had gone to the grocery store before, it was a new adventure altogether going with my husband for the first time! Whatever we did, we did with fresh eyes. From going on two family vacations, to spending the holidays together, to moving into a new apartment and starting new jobs, we had a lot of energizing moments that propelled our first year of marriage and made it interesting.

Our society loves to chase the new and exciting. We’ve learned during our second year of marriage that we can’t do that. Once the first anniversary comes and goes, life goes on. And, to be honest, life gets a little boring. Although we did have some excitement this year, like starting new jobs, going on vacation with my family, and moving into yet another apartment, for the most part, we’re settling into a routine. Lenny and I are now officially in the jobs that we’ll probably have for the rest of our lives.

Most of us have been trained to think about the next best thing. Literally, right after we got married, people already asked me when I was having children. Can we just agree to stop that? If you’re in the midst of that now, trust me, people eventually stop asking you! However, even when you attain that next milestone, the questions never stop. When are you going to get a house? When are you going to put your kids in school? When are you having a second, third, or fourth baby? What is your two-year-old going to study college?

Looking toward the next best thing is a form of escapism. If we don’t like our reality, we tend to focus on a fantasy future that will make our present a little more bearable. Since I’m used to that way of thinking, it is often tempting not to enjoy what God has given us now and focus on what we still need to attain. We find ourselves discontent that life has settled, because nothing new and exciting is happening. While I know this lull happens multiple times in marriage, the second year is the hardest because this is the first time we experience it.

During your first year of marriage, when everything is new, when you’re practically treated as celebrities, it is easy to be emotionally invested in your marriage. However, as life goes on, you have to fight to enjoy the mundane. Practice thankfulness each day. Vocalize your thankfulness to your spouse; show what you appreciate about him/her and about what is going on in your life. When you focus on the positive, the negative seems to fade away.

I believe we have made the most out of this season of settling. We have been intentional about demonstrating thankfulness for what God has given us in this season. Since God has made it clear that we are in this season until further notice, we’ve decided not to bring up certain milestones until we feel God’s peace. Until then, we’ve learned to vocalize our contentment, with our dreams for our future in the back of our heads. We have our goals written down and posted on our refrigerator. To me, that means we are aware of them, but they’re not our focus. In the midst of the waiting and the living, no matter what we endure together, Lenny and I have each other. And that’s what makes marriage an adventure.

Although, maybe it would be a little easier if we still had our wedding cake from two years ago!

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Categories
Marriage

Emotional Consequences

One of my favorite parts of marriage is that I can be completely and totally honest with my husband without any judgment. I used to fear conflict, thinking that any conflict could cause a break in the relationship. Now that I’m in a stable relationship and we can fight without worrying about destroying our marriage, I feel safe.

Although I’m safe to say what I want, what I say has emotional consequences.

Words have the power of life and death. We speak what we don’t mean sometimes. We speak to control. We speak to encourage. However, our words have consequences, good and bad.

When you’re uncomfortable, you have defense mechanisms, like sarcasm, insulting, or joking, but those defense mechanisms can get you into trouble if you’re not careful. Since it is part of our spouse’s job to shape us, God can use our spouses to help us surrender our defense mechanisms.

As listeners, we can’t let people speak to us however they want. I have trigger words like “What is your problem?” that will shut me down in an argument. If Lenny wants to shut me down, he can use that, because he knows it will make me stop talking. But he also knows that if he uses those words, he’ll be breaking our trust, and he could put some emotional distance between us. Lenny will accomplish what he wants (shutting me up) but it comes with consequences.

We have different boundaries, and we have to be clear about them. We can’t let people get away with their words. We can be clear about what we expect, and if people don’t respect our requests, we have to follow through with our consequences.

We hate being parented by anyone, including our spouses. However, you are not parenting your spouse. You are sticking up for yourself. Your job is not to train your spouse; your job is to protect yourself from experiencing and causing emotional damage.

So, talk about your boundaries, and what would happen if your spouse were to cross those boundaries. Now, you obviously can’t threaten to leave, unless there is abuse involved. However, you are entitled to request counseling or to say that you are not going to be as trusting of your spouse. Remember the vows you made to each other and remind your spouse of them.

If you are in a dating relationship, breaking up IS still a viable option for you. There is nothing binding you together. Unfortunately, it’s not obvious anymore that insults, sarcasm, and threats hurt people, so you need to be clear about how those words make you feel. If your SO has a history of hurting you with his/her words, and you’ve made it clear that his/her actions are bothering you and nothing has changed, you have every right to leave. Do that for yourself. Do not keep hurting yourself when you know he/she can use words to hurt you.

To demonstrate how to have emotional boundaries in the midst of defense mechanisms, I’ll use a hypothetical situation. Jack confesses to Polly that he gets fearful around the topic of family conflicts, and that when the topic arises, he uses sarcasm to deflect his feelings. Polly understands this, but she confesses that she gets angry when people make fun of her family, so she could respond to his sarcasm with an angry outburst. Polly promises that she will try not to bring up family conflicts around him, and Jack promises that he will try not to be sarcastic or make jokes about her family.

Since we’re not perfect, Jack and Polly may have some issues with this at first. But now, when they fight about Polly bringing up family conflicts and Jack making fun of her family, they have an understanding about why the conflict is happening, and they are able to develop consequences as a result. If Polly brings up a family conflict, Jack will use sarcasm. If Jack uses sarcasm, Polly will have an angry outburst. Eventually, Polly will learn not to bring up family conflicts (or will at least approach the conflict in a different manner) because she will not want her husband to be sarcastic. Eventually, Jack will learn not to react with sarcasm because he will not want his wife to have an angry outburst.

While grace is needed in this situation, do not get too comfortable with emotional tension. If your spouse is using defense mechanisms against you, continue to love him, but don’t allow the behavior to continue. Do not punish your spouse, but be clear about your expectations and continue to remind your spouse about them as the behavior continues. Remember your vows, and remember that you are both in the process of growing.

Photo by Michał Parzuchowski on Unsplash

Categories
Book Update

I Could Never Write Like That!

Lately, I’ve been doing a lot of reading. By reading, I can learn from other writers’ techniques, and can try to figure out why they are published and I am not. Last week, I reread Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone, not only because it was free on Kindle Unlimited, but also because JK Rowling is always referred to as the goal for all writers. (“I want to be the next JK Rowling”). Rereading this classic, I couldn’t help but fall in love again with the quirky characters, each and every one of them unique, and find myself wishing I had received that letter to Hogwarts when I was eleven (Ironically, I got saved when I turned twelve, so it was like God gave me a letter to embark on the adventure He had for me!).

While I read this book, however, I couldn’t help but feel a little sense of hopelessness. There was no way I could ever write like JK Rowling. I mean, seriously, Bertie Bott’s Every Flavor Beans? Such genius! They’ve even made a game out of it (Beanboozled) that we can enjoy! We feel part of the story through Rowling’s work by figuring out what house we’re in, and even after she’s finished writing the series, the fans are still creating scenarios of what could have happened at Hogwarts. Doesn’t everybody want to write a novel that captures the audience so much that readers are actively talking about it eleven years after the final book was published?

Alas, I’m no JK Rowling, and I never will be. I might as well put down my pen and stop writing altogether.

Unless, what I never was meant to be JK Rowling? What if God gave me a voice that I could use to bring hope to the world and glory to His name?

Even if I rewrote the Harry Potter series, my book would be a little different from the originals, not because I’m a bad writer, but because I’m a different writer. I have my own flavor I add to my writing that JK Rowling doesn’t. This idea reminds me that I’m not in competition with any writer. We both have a voice, a platform that we want to reach, and God is using both of us to accomplish the plans He has for us.

I scan even the Christian market at fiction authors that blow me away with their amazing talent. Francine Rivers? Who could recreate Redeeming Love? The reality is, I was never meant to recreate Redeeming Love. God has given me my own story to tell.

Although we writers are set free from the need to be the next JK Rowling or Francine Rivers, we still have a responsibility. We are still called to excellence. I might not have come up with earwax flavored jelly beans, invisibility cloaks, or a freakin’ sport played on broomsticks with like three different types of balls, but that does not mean I have to write mediocre ideas. I may use time travel, or a dystopian society, or tense conflict, to convey my message. Whatever I end up using, I will use it well. End of story.

So, if you’re a writer, keep writing! Don’t look at the work of the people next to you, unless you can appreciate it. Try to figure out what you’re good at, and then work from there. Think about the message that God has given you to share with the world, and brainstorm how you can best share that message with others. You may not be the next JK Rowling or Francine Rivers, but maybe over time people may want to be the next [enter your name here].

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Categories
anxiety

Alternatives to Anxiety Medication

While some prefer anxiety medication, I do not. In my opinion, the side effects far outweigh the treatment, and most of the time people end up dependent on medication. If you’re on anxiety medication, I do not judge you for it. It’s just my personal preference to look for other, less addictive ways to overcome anxiety. Even if you’re on medication, these alternatives can still ease the discomfort of anxiety on a daily basis.

This past year, I’ve gone to the doctor because of difficulty breathing, heart palpitations, and chest pains. Pretty serious stuff, right? Every time I go, they give me an EKG, and they say my heart and my breathing are completely normal. The doctor or PA (whoever is available at the time) tells me I probably have anxiety and try to prescribe me some sort of medication. Each time, I refuse. There has to be another way to treat anxiety besides popping pills.

If you are like me and want some alternatives, here are ways I’ve found to treat anxiety.

Diet. Sugar and caffeine can both contribute to panic attacks because they energize us and make it difficult to sit still. In addition to these, if you have food sensitivities or digestive issues, foods that are more challenging to digest can cause physical unrest as well. This website lists ten foods you should avoid if you have anxiety. Although we don’t have to completely alter our diet, we can try to cut out some of these foods.

Exercise. I’ve been told that anxiety is just stored up energy. When you think of it that way, it’s easier to control. Studies show that after just five minutes of physical activity, anxiety starts to decrease. Make an effort to walk, jog, bike ride, or dance for 30 minutes a day, 3-5 times a day, and see if you feel more calm.

Essential Oils. I feel like every time I look through an essential oil catalog, each description of an oil is “A calming blend.” Lavender always tends to calm me down (is there anything lavender can’t do?), but check out your favorite essential oils website to see what blends or oils can work for you.

Breathing. The best part about air is it’s free! When God created us, He breathed into our nostrils. Ever since then, we’ve needed air to survive. I didn’t realize that I forget to breathe when I’m anxious until someone had to remind me one day. That’s a little scary! If you’re anxious, take a minute to focus on your breathing (inhale, exhale). Don’t worry if you think you look silly while you’re breathing heavy. Your survival is more important than how you look.

Pressure Points. A good friend of mine taught me two pressure points that are helpful for me. Since they are difficult to describe, here is a website that has several points you can use on your body to relief stress and other psychosomatic symptoms from anxiety.

Journaling. By far, this is my favorite and most effective way to treat anxiety. Anxiety begins in the mind, and then extends to the body. I’ve seen the difference in my life when I don’t take the time to write. My mind is jumbled, I can’t sit still, and I’m considering all the worst case scenarios. Sometimes, I write ten pages in one day, just trying to process my thoughts and feelings. Every time I write, though, I end up feeling better. Through journaling, I learn what I’m feeling and thinking, and how I can change those thoughts and feelings into more positive and productive ones.

Counseling. I’ll admit, counseling is scary. If you don’t want to invest in a counselor, at the very least, consider speaking with a friend about your feelings. We were created for community. Join a small group, take your friend out for tea, or send a note on Facebook to someone.

Self-reflection. This is part of journaling. Self-reflection goes a little deeper than journaling, though. Journaling is the what, while self-reflection is the why. You may realize through journaling that you’re afraid of rabbits. Self-reflection is looking at your past and trying to figure out where that fear started. Did you have a rabbit as a pet when you were younger? Did you watch a scary movie about rabbits? Once we know why we’re afraid, we can learn how to overcome the fear.

As you know, trusting in God has been the ultimate cure for my anxiety. While anxiety is still a daily struggle for me, I know God is my constant and is able to help me through it. I am thankful that He has provided all of these ways to help me through this battle.

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Categories
Marriage

One of Us is Irrelevant…

I heard a quote from someone a few months ago: “If I was just like my wife, one of us would be irrelevant!”

The number one reason why couples fight is because of their differences in opinion. Whether it’s finances, how to raise kids, how to decorate the house, or whatever, sometimes we don’t see eye to eye. I like balance. I like when we agree. But that’s not the way the world works. We are all different; there is not a single person that is like us. That’s why we need to be around a community so we can learn from each other, and teach others what we know.

Here are some ways Lenny and I are different, and how they’ve affected our marriage. What differences would you add from your marriage?

Differences in memory. For the life of me, I cannot get Lenny to empty his lunch bag until I have to pack it the next morning. If you do the chores in your house, you can laugh at this. I can’t sleep at night if there are dishes in the sink or socks on the floor, but my husband doesn’t give it a second thought! By me saying this, I hope you don’t hear that I’m perfect. My husband always remembers things that I don’t, and I honestly can’t even remember what they are to tell you! Well, what he remembers stuff is just as important as him leaving his dirty Tupperware in his bag overnight. For example, I had a job interview today, and my husband reminded me to print out my resume and cover letter and bring a list of questions to ask. Our minds were only meant to think about what is needed, and if we both remember things, one of us is irrelevant. Maybe God chose my brain to focus on the cleaning while he chose my husband’s brain to focus on how to prepare for an interview! Although Lenny’s not too stupid to know how to clean and I’m not too stupid to know how to apply for jobs, we can use our strengths to help each other out instead of both having to be experts at everything.

Differences in personality. While I tend to be anxious and energetic, my husband is relaxed and mellow. This has worked out in favor of both of us. When I struggle with anxiety, my husband helps me see that there’s no point in worrying. He is my go-to person on a plane; when I’m normally paralyzed, he’s squeezing my hand and reminding me to breathe. However, when Lenny gets too comfortable, I challenge him to go beyond his comfort zone. I actually encouraged him to apply for his first job, and I coached him on how to prepare for his first ever interview (see how the tables have turned!). We tend to think that differences bring us apart, but when we learn to appreciate our differences, we can use them to propel our marriage in the right direction.

Differences in experiences. Without going into detail, my husband and I have almost the exact opposite childhood. Although we grew up about twenty minutes from each other, and even visited the same places when we were kids, it was like we’re from different planets sometimes! While I wish I had some of what Lenny had as a kid, and while he wishes that he had some of what I had as a kid, we can learn from both of our experiences. What we’ve endured throughout our lifetime has shaped us into who we are today, and God has allowed us to have the lives we’ve had so that we could reflect His glory. The fun part of marriage is trying to figure out how God has weaved our stories together to bring glory to His name.

What differences do you see in your marriage? How have they made your marriage more enriching? How have they hindered your connection to your spouse?

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Categories
Book Update

The “Fun” Part of Writing a Novel

When I went on the ReNEW writers retreat two weekends ago, I received some great feedback from friends that share my passion and can help me sharpen my vision. It was a pleasure to hear what everyone was working on, and the triumphs they’ve made this past year. Though, I wondered when it would be my turn to release my book and celebrate my accomplishments.

At lunch one day, I caught up with one of my friends from last year, who encouraged me to start my novel.

“How’s your book going?” she asked.

“It’s a train wreck,” I said.

“Oh, really? What’s wrong with it?”

I explained how I met with a literary agent and he gave me some good pointers, but I feel like my book is total trash.

“Okay, so, what’s wrong with it?”

I shrugged. “The setting doesn’t make sense.”

“So, basically the setting is your problem?”

With those words, it clicked. That was the only problem with my book! The characters were solid, the writing was legit, and the theme was evident. I just didn’t know where to put my little cherubs. What location, what time period, would serve them best, and help me get the message across?

Well, the literary agent I met with suggested Christian fantasy, because the island of Verdaria, where my characters are currently meeting, is a fictional country. I might have made it more complicated than it is. That’s a good story in and of itself. I wanted my main character to travel to Spain and found out some dark secrets from her past, but why does she have to leave Verdaria? Verdaria has some nasty secrets too! Tori can find out all she needs to know through this fantasy world, while encouraging the reader to explore a new land that has never been discovered by us in “reality.”

As you know, the temptation for me is to write a completely new book. I already have the idea for a new book, and I’m super excited about it, but I have to finish my current book first. My current book is not a train wreck. It’s not trash. I just have to be the master of my own world and mold a world for the theme to shine and the characters to thrive. Or not. Muahaha!

I told Lenny yesterday the plot for my new book. When he heard that the characters had the same name as my current manuscript, he stopped me mid-sentence. “What? You’re rewriting your book again? Stop it! It’s fine. Just finish it and make this book another one.”

My husband is an IT professional, not a writing professional, but God used his blatant honesty to open my eyes and see that I need to edit this thing! Did I mention that the literary agent I met with told me my book was good enough to be published? I don’t think that translates to “total trash.” That means I actually have a shot at having my book traditionally published! Hallelujah!

It is so much easier to write a whole new book than to fix the pieces of my current book. Freewriting is my favorite. I love telling stories, and stringing words together, even if they don’t make total sense. But editing is the fun part of writing. It’s using the mind that God has given me to figure out the best way to communicate a message, to use these words I love to bring out a compelling story, and to use my perseverance to grow my faith and increase my endurance. By self-editing, I have the privilege of reading my book before anyone else! It’s a free pre-release copy that I don’t have to order.

As I improve my self-editing ability, my writing ability will also improve. I’ll be making less mistakes as I learn what my common mistakes are. So, overall, self-editing is a win-win!

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Categories
anxiety

In Our Own Eyes

I’m working on my manuscript for my novel again, but thanks to the retreat I attended two weeks ago, I have some more direction. Here are some of the Bible verses that are inspiring me through this process. I will write more about my actual novel on Friday.

When I was a kid, my mom would tell me that the most intelligent people are typically the ones who would struggle with anxiety. Think about it: Intelligent people have thought of every possible situation and the probability of each situation happening (sort of like Dr. Strange in Infinity Wars). In a way, anxiety is a compliment, because that means you’re smart enough to know that bad things can happen to you.

In the Bible, Solomon was the wisest person who ever lived, and yet he realized that life in and of itself is meaningless. He wrote a whole book (Ecclesiastes) about how we should just enjoy life, because nothing we do will amount to anything. If that doesn’t cause you anxiety, I don’t know what will!

I think this is why God tells us not to be wise in our own eyes. God has a bigger plan that we can ever understand, even if we have all the wisdom in the world. When I think of trusting God instead of leaning on my own wisdom, I think of being engulfed in the arms of someone much bigger than me. I surrender in his strong, loving arms, knowing he’s got it, and that he can see beyond what I can.

Here are a couple of verses that have reminded me to lean on God’s wisdom and not my own:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.” -Proverbs 3:5-8

“Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes
    and clever in their own sight.” -Isaiah 5:21

“For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.” -1 Corinthians 1:25

Being wise in our own eyes gets us into trouble. Even if we were the most intelligent people on Earth, able to think up every possible scenario of what could happen, we would not be wiser than God. God can see the big picture, all that once, in the scope of eternity.

Long story short: He knows.

If you are anxious today, seek God’s wisdom. His word is filled with wise sayings that can help you each day. If you’re worried about money, the Bible talks more about money than you could even believe! If you’re worried about what others think about you, there are verses that describe our identity in Christ and can infuse confidence into our very souls.

Are there any other verses that help you remember not to lean on human wisdom, but on God’s wisdom? I’d love to hear from you! Let me know in the comments which verses you would add to this list, or some practical ways that you can trust God despite your human judgment.

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Categories
Marriage

You Know What Happens When We Assume…

The other day, Lenny and I were driving home from a long day out together. I mumbled something about wanting to watch TV and go to bed, and he simply said, “Nope.” He told me he’d rather play video games. The nerve! He complained all day that he was tired, and now he wanted to stay up and play video games instead of going to bed?

In that moment, Lenny didn’t do anything wrong. I was in the wrong this time, because I didn’t clarify my expectations.

Over the summer, I participated in a program for leaders at our church. We followed a curriculum created by Pete & Geri Scazzero called Emotionally Healthy Relationships. They have taught me so much about relationships and marriage, I’ll probably be referring to them pretty often on this website.

My favorite topic from this workbook involved clarifying expectations. Unfortunately, I assume all the time, especially because my husband doesn’t speak that much. When he’s quiet, I assume he understands. Since we’ve been married a little longer now, I know his silence means he either doesn’t hear me, or he disagrees but doesn’t know how to tell me.

I was in the wrong when I assumed Lenny would want to cuddle with me instead of play video games because I didn’t clarify my expectations. I assumed he wanted to do the same, because cuddling helps me unwind, but he isn’t wired the same way. Video games help him unwind. While I had the itch to lay on the couch until I was ready for bed, he had the itch to play a couple of games. His itch is one I don’t understand, but if I don’t clarify my expectations, I can’t judge him for his behavior.

In Emotionally Healthy Relationships, the Scazzeros lay out several pointers to remember when clarifying expectations. I will use the example of how we spend the holidays. Not only are the holidays a cause for conflict in our household, but it is also a topic of debate among most newlywed couples.

Expectations should always be conscious. It is more important for us to be aware of our own expectations than for others to be aware of them. When it comes to the holidays, one of my expectations is, “It doesn’t matter where Lenny and I spend the holidays, as long as we are together.” Whatever drama ensues from our holiday plans, as long as we don’t split up (as in Lenny sees his family and I see mine), we’ve had a successful year. I am aware of that, and although I don’t need to share that expectation with everyone, now you know it.

Expectations should also be realistic. We tried splitting the holidays (going to my family in the morning and Lenny’s family in the evening), but it is way too stressful for us. Expecting us to see both sides of the family every single holiday is unrealistic for our situation. I can’t control everyone in my life, and they can’t control me. If I have expectations that involve controlling other people, I will be sorely disappointed when they physically, emotionally, or mentally cannot meet my needs.

Expectations should be spoken. Before the holiday season (conveniently during our anniversary), Lenny and I talk about how we are going to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas. We discuss our expectations and form a plan. Then, we tell our parents our plans for the year. This prevents us from having conflicts with our families later, when they expected us to spend the holidays a certain way.

Finally, expectations should be agreed upon. This point is the one I have the most difficult time following. I am free to share my expectations with Lenny, but I rarely pause to make sure he’s on board with them. This was the issue we had when he wanted to play video games. I expected him to come to bed with me, but he didn’t agree. Now, when I clarify my expectations, I ask him, “Are you okay with that?” If he’s not, he makes an addendum, and we form an agreement.

Expectations are not wrong to have. As a matter of fact, they are innate and necessary for survival. If we can keep our expectations conscious, realistic, spoken, and agreed upon, we will have better communication and less conflicts with our loved ones.

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

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Book Update

The Soothing Pain of Rejection

This past weekend on the reNEW writer’s retreat, I had hoped to tell everyone that my novel was finished and it was in the hands of a literary agent. However, two weeks before the retreat, I read a book called Plot and Structure by James Scott Bell that made me reconsider my whole plot. After talking with some friends, I realized that the only change that really needs to take place is the setting, but I still had a bend in my pride when I had to tell a literary agent I met that I wasn’t ready to send it in yet.

I’ve submitted my book to six literary agents. I know that the Christian fiction market is not doing too well, but I have a passion to help people see a relatable character through fiction to help them overcome their anxiety, find their purpose in life, and walk in their identity with Christ. I actually have three novel ideas that each branch from these topics. However, each time I receive a rejection from a literary agent, I wonder if God’s plan for me is to write this novel, or if it’s just my own dream.

Each time I submitted my book to another literary agent through e-mail, I prayed that God would lead me to the right literary agent, and that even if it didn’t work out, that the agent would have just enough spare time to tell me why he/she did not accept my proposal. Literary agents are typically very busy, so to expect a response from an agent is a tall order. However, as a writer trying to publish her first book, I need all the advice I can get. Of the six times I submitted my book, I heard back from two. The first one that rejected my manuscript has a blog that I follow, which has helped me tremendously as a writer.

The second agent who rejected my manuscript decided to give me some advice, which I greatly appreciated. He told me that the Christian fiction market wasn’t doing too well, so a lot of agents are steering clear of that. He also gave me advice about how to make my book better, and he encouraged me to keep attending conferences. Finally, he told me to keep pressing on, and God will lead me where He wants me to go. I am incredibly honored that this man who has very little time to spare took the time out to impart wisdom to a woman beginning her humble journey as a writer. It even looks like I got a word of blessing from him!

I share my personally journey of writing a book because, when I am a bestselling author of something, I want to look back and remember where I started. I want to encourage writers who aren’t there yet to keep going. Rejection is not the end of your story. God has given you a voice; use it to glorify Him.

Success is not defined by the end product. You may look at a book and think, “Well anyone can write a book.” However, you don’t realize the blood, sweat, and tears that went into writing it. Not everyone can write a book. It takes vulnerability, dedication, and insight.

I never want to be so famous/busy that I forget about the people that I met along the way. My why is to encourage women and the stories that God has given them. I don’t care how much money I make or what places I’m able to travel to; I never want to get to a place where I ignore or automate any experience I have with a woman who is desperate to share her story with me. I want each and every person I encounter to feel encouraged and to feel loved. If I’m making millions of dollars and I live in a fancy home with beautiful flowers and I have a social media team writing my tweets for me, I’ve lost my why, and I’ve failed at my goal.

Rejection hurts, but it’s not the end of my story. Even as I was writing this blog post, I had to remind myself that the rejection was not of me, but of my book. And as my friend encouraged me last week, the book may be great, but it might not be marketable at the time. It’s literally in God’s hands.

I say to myself what I say to you if you are struggling to fulfill your dreams: Don’t give up!

Photo by Steve Johnson on Unsplash