Categories
Marriage

Celebrating the Holidays Together

The time is coming and is now here where families gather for the holidays.  Although holidays are meant to be a time where we relax and enjoy our time together, when marriage is involved, they can become very stressful.

Every year, the question is brought up: Where are we spending (enter holiday here)? The first year we were married, we were fortunate enough to have four days in a row off from work for Christmas Eve and Christmas. We saw my husband’s immediate family and extended family, and my immediate family. We were able to see everyone we wanted to see and still have time for ourselves.  But it was exhausting. We decided this year that we were going to do things differently, for our sake. However, doing so involves stepping on some people’s toes.

Your family may be accepting of your new family, or they might grow bitter from you not seeing them. But now that you’re married, what is most important is your husband. God first, then husband, then kids (if you have any), then family, then everyone else.

So, here are some ways that we’ve learned to actually enjoy the holidays together:

  • Plan ahead. You and your husband need to go out to a nice fancy dinner and bring a calendar. Look at every holiday your family celebrates. Then create a schedule that works for both of you. If you’re crazy enough to do half and half for every holiday (see one family for lunch and one for dinner), then go for it, but that does not work for us. We like to invest in each family without staring at our watches and wondering when we’re expected at the other side’s house.  But no matter how your schedule looks, make sure that both families are represented. If your parents are divorced, unfortunately that makes it more difficult to see everyone, but just designate Christmas as “husband’s family” or Thanksgiving as “wife’s family,” so whether you see extended family or immediate family, a mother or a father, a sibling or a cousin, you’re compromising so that both of you are happy.  Then, stick to the plan, no matter what.
  • Expect to offend. Nothing breaks my heart more than telling my family that we won’t be seeing them for a holiday. Just get it into your head that someone will not be happy with your plans. Grandma might hang up the phone on you. Mom might not speak to you for a week. Dad might Facetime you and say that you’re missing out. Take their offense as a compliment. They’re upset because they actually want to see you. Remind them that you’ll see them again soon, and if you’re like us, you will probably see them at the next holiday or at the same holiday next year.
  • Expect to be wrong. We got married right before Thanksgiving. The question on everyone’s mind was: where are the newlyweds spending Thanksgiving?  We quickly told everyone that we wanted to be alone for the holidays. Our plans changed after the honeymoon, when we decided that we needed to spend time with our families. It was good for us, not just for our families. I called up my mom and asked if we could sneak over for Thanksgiving, and I called up my mother-in-law and asked if we could come over for dessert. I admit in this case that I was wrong about how the holidays would have turned out. I guarantee that we will be “wrong” again. When you’re wrong, go with the flow and try to enjoy the holiday as best as you can.
  • Be one. When my husband and I have to decide how we are spending the holidays, we always end up disagreeing a little bit. In those moments, we have to remember that being together is the most important. You will miss out on some of the plans, but as long as you are both together, you’re doing it right. Our goal is never to split up during the holidays

Family, I know it’s hard to see your child/sibling/extended family member spend time with other people that they also happen to call family. Some families are fortunate enough to be able to host both sides of the family. Some couples have their own houses and are able to host. My advice to families is to cherish the times that you are all together. When you’re not together, rejoice that God is growing your family through your in-laws and that your loved ones’ in-laws are so accepting of him/her. Give them grace; they are trying to figure it out.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Enjoy them, no matter how you spend them with your family.

Featured image created by Norman Rockwell.

Categories
Book Update

Managing Time to Write

Last week, I shared about my dreams and goals as a writer and how God is bringing those things to fruition.  Over the Thanksgiving break, when I had four days off, I wrote approximately 3,500 words a day toward my book, and several blog posts.  In the time I was off, I wrote over 15,000 words.  That’s incredible, huh?  I was on fire.  I was ready to write the rest of my book by the end of the week ahead.

But then I returned to work, “life” got in the way, and it was hard for me to write more than 300 words a day, which is the minimum amount I allow myself to write a day.  I have to be honest and share that the week after Thanksgiving that was a difficult one for me.  That week, I worked my normal 9-5 job, had a full schedule of appointments at my second job (6-9PM two nights a week), was involved in several ministries and small groups at church, blogged, and cleaned my house (it’s already messy again!).  During this busy time, I had to make some hard decisions, and my book took a backseat.  And it made me feel terrible about myself.  Why can’t I juggle all the stuff that I’m doing and still have time to do what I love?

When life gets in the way, life has to take priority sometimes.

I’ve learned from several writer friends that God uses the busy seasons in our lives to fuel our writing.  This encouragement set me free from my self-criticism and negative self-talk.  All of the things in my life are for God.  My marriage is for God.  My family is for God.  The GEMS Girls Ministry and College Ministry are both for God.  My job is for God.  My second job is for God.  My book is for God. So doing any of those things are not hindrances, but are blessings.

But how am I able to do all of the above?

Jesus gives us a great example, the perfect example, of how to manage our time.  Jesus focused on what was right in front of Him, not what was coming up or what had already passed.  He did not worry about what was still left to do.  He relied on the rhythms of grace, the grace of His Father.  Knowing this about how Jesus managed His time gives me such peace and such reassurance that God is the one who orders my steps.

Writer friends, do you feel that you need more time to get your writing done?

Last week, I was able to see a preview of Christa Hutchins’ workshop “Boss Your Time Around,” which includes a creative and easy way to manage time.  Christa is a wise, tech-savvy woman who helps writers start up blogs, promote their writing through social media, and now manage your writing time better. The resources she provides involve tips to putting your time in order, whether you blog, write, edit, rewrite, go on conferences, or meet with clients.

The workshop is available online and at two different times: Saturday, December 30th or Saturday, January 6th from 10AM-2PM.  Registration is $35, but use the code PLAN10 to take 10% off. For more information, and to register, click here.

I’ll be going!  Will you be there?

Photo by Kevin on Unsplash

Categories
Book Update

Book Update: Coming out of the Darkness

It is crazy to think that my book journey began three years ago.  I’ve learned from several writers that it is normal to take several years to write a first novel.  However, I am my own worst critic!  As much as it is possible for my first book to be amazing, I need to be patient with myself and just let myself learn.

Generally, the pattern for writing a novel is: come up with a storyline/plot/characters, free write with the storyline/plot/characters in mind, edit raw manuscript, rewrite the manuscript accordingly, repeat steps 2-4 as many times as needed, submit book to publisher, get offer from a publisher, do edits with the publisher, and finally get a finished work.  I’m on step 5b.  I’m rewriting the book, but this is actually not my first time doing so.

The first time I wrote it, it was too “dark” as my mom called it.  I had a lot of raw emotion that I wanted to add to the book, but for the average reader, my emotion would have been too heavy.  It was, as professional writers would say, “telling, not showing.”

Then the second time I wrote the book, I realized that while I was getting better at being descriptive, my storyline was not making sense.  My characters also seemed flat.  I had very specific characters that I wanted to use, but they did not fit the way my book was turning out.

I hate giving up control, but as a Christian, I believe that God directs me to write the book in a specific way to reach a specific audience.  I had an idea in my head of what I wanted to write about, and God has shaped it into something different each time I sit down at the keyboard.  Since the retreat I went on in October, I’ve learned how to develop real characters and a storyline that was interesting and made sense.

So since October 6th, I have been free-writing my third rewrite of this book.  That  means that I write with no agenda.  I sit in front of my Chromebook for an hour and spew whatever works come out of me onto my Google Docs word document.  My goal is been to write 80,000 words by the end of the year.  As of Sunday, when I last worked on it, I have written 66,813 words.  I’ll be finished with the rough manuscript in two weeks!

I am finally at the stage where I can name my audience and my plot.  For a while, I was trying to write this book to all people at all times.  However, my book needs to have an audience.  Instead of trying to please everyone, I need to write as if my story was just meant to reach one person.  I now have my person.  My audience is a young person (mature 16 to 24) who struggles with an anxiety disorder, whether it is Generalized Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, OCD, obsessive thoughts, Anxiety/Depression, Phobias, or just plain worry.  I know someone who deals with each of those things, one of them being the one writing this.  I wrote this book with the question playing in the back of my head: If someone were to write a story that can help me find peace and experience freedom from this trap, what would I write?

Now, I know I can’t answer all the problems of the world.  I know that my voice is a small whisper compared to the shout of those who are suffering.  But I have a story, a story that has helped me find freedom from my anxiety.  And while I still struggle, I believe that God has helped me tremendously with a disorder that has plagued me for so long.  Instead of sharing my testimony, I want to share a story.  I want to share it through the eyes of a fictional character, hoping that doing so will help my readers imagine themselves as the main character, believing that they can experience the same freedom and hope that I have.

The book is about a girl who grows up in a society where everyone is Christian.  But she feels like an outcast, because she struggles with anxiety.  No one is able to help her, so she withdraws herself and does not share how she feels with others.  But when she works at an internship with the castle, she learns from the King what she is missing, and she uses what she learns to do some pretty great things.

Being a writer is taking a long journey.  I’m not a book factory.  I’m a book creator,  and creativity takes time.  I’m thankful that after three years of stumbling through writing a book, there is now a light at the end of the tunnel.

Photo by Steve Halama on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

How to Break Bad Habits in Marriage

We don’t like to talk about our struggles.  I especially don’t believe that I should be sharing my struggles in my own marriage all over the internet.  But I believe that if we don’t deal with our struggles, our struggles can end up controlling us and putting a wedge between us and our spouses.  Here are some general habits that we’ve seen in our own marriage and in other marriages that we would like to address and deal with, and some steps on how to stop doing them:

  • Giving up:  I don’t just mean walking away from the marriage.  That’s a given.  Separation or “the D word” aren’t even options for us.  But unfortunately, I’ve seen many marriages where the couple has been physically together for decades but have been emotionally and mentally disconnected for just about as long as that.  Being happily married doesn’t mean that you didn’t sign the divorce papers.  It means that you have open communication, love, and trust between you and your spouse.  And in simple fights, you can heighten the gap between you and your spouse simply by having a dismissing attitude.  When you’re in the middle of a fight, you might be tempted to say things to tear down your spouse (“You’re not listening to me!”) or to be dismissive (“Okay, yeah, whatever you say”).  Don’t do that.  Resolve right now, when you’re not fighting, to stick it out until you have reached a compromise.  The silent treatment is also a form giving up.  My tendency is to want to walk away when there’s tension and not deal with it.  A friend from college warned against that when I did it to her.  The only exception to this is when you are physically deprived of energy.  If it is late, if you are hungry, if you’ve had a long day at work, then let your spouse know that, and make a plan to talk about it again.
  • Assumption: As I’ve said before, I try to be a mind-reader and tell my husband what he’s thinking.  Not only isn’t that healthy for him because it limits his ability to express his own feelings, but it’s also unhealthy for me because it exhausts me trying to analyze everyone else.  This also goes for assuming how he will react when I do something.  If I go out and see a nice bookshelf that I really want, I may assume that since I don’t spend a lot of money from our budget anyway, my husband wouldn’t mind if I just splurge a few hundred dollars on a bookshelf.  Communication is key, and whether your husband says the same thing every time you ask, you still have to ask.  It’s polite, and it keeps conversation open.
  • Sarcasm: There is a time and place for sarcasm and joking, but when it’s time to be serious, it’s time to be serious.  My husband and I are both guilty of dismissing a conversation with a joke, a smile, or a laugh, and my husband has clearly articulated why we do that.  I’ve learned that my husband jokes when he is uncomfortable.  When I’m confronting him about something, or when I’m crying, it makes him uncomfortable.  So instead of confronting him even more by yelling at him for laughing at me, I need to trust that he’s not making fun of me.  His laughter is just an indication that he’s not ready to talk about it, or that he’s trying to ease the situation.  We both have things to work on, and I’m very thankful that my husband has been honest with me about his struggle with this.
  • Priorities: If you are a Christian, these are the priorities of your life:  God first, then spouse, then children (if you have them), then family/friends, then everyone and everything else.  This is so hard when you’re close with your mom or when you have a best friend that you tell everything.  When you’re married, those ties have to get loosened, not cut, because you still need other people in your life.  You have to readjust what you share with your friends and family.  You also have to readjust how you spend your time.  Surrender to God first, and He will show you how to put everything else in place.  That’s at least what He promises in Matthew 6:33.

Overall, prayer is the answer.  If you are at a crossroads in your marriage and you think your situation is impossible, stop what you’re doing right at that moment and pray.  You may have other habits in your marriage that are causing a divide between you and your spouse.  It is so important to call it what it is and to ask God to heal you from those tendencies.  Marriage involves becoming one, a constant laying down of our old habits and the ways we were trained in the world.  When we work on becoming one, some of those habits pop right back up to the surface and expose their ugly little heads.  But when we recognize and deal with those issues, we are able to cut the weeds that are trying to choke our marriage and nurture the good habits that are causing our marriage to flourish.

 

Categories
Books

Just Courage: From Safe to Brave

The office where I work has a collection of books that the senior staff believed will help encourage us and strengthen us in our jobs.  I was interested to find a book by Gary Haugen, the founder of International Justice Mission, among the pile.  One of my friends works for IJM, so I was excited to read about the beginnings of this organization.  I also wanted to see what the work of IJM had to do with the work that I do in my church office.

The book is short, so it honestly is a nice pick-me-up, but if you really let the words settle into your soul, it will rock your world.  Haugen talks about his journey founding IJM, as well as the stories of some of his associates who have changed the world in big, brave ways.  At first, I thought this book would just be filled with success stories and a shout-out to the great staff at IJM.  But it also includes a challenge, a challenge to give up our safe and take on our brave.

Haugen uses the analogy of the cul-de-sac to describe how Christianity is today.  Most people feel that keeping their houses in a cul-de-sac area is safer because it is only one-way traffic.  However, studies have shown that more accidents occur in these areas than in other areas.  Therefore, we were wrong about what would be best for our children and families.

He expands on this idea of a cul-de-sac by saying that we tend to play safe in church.  We like our comfortable house, our kids, our pets, our finances, and we don’t really see life beyond that.  We get dissatisfied.  And the reason we get dissatisfied is because God has a bigger life for us.  He doesn’t want us to be safe; He wants us to be brave.  He wants us to trust Him.

I appreciate the work of IJM and the faith of Gary Haugen to start this organization.  I will admit that it is not a long book, so there is not much more to discuss.  But a powerful sentence can change the course of your day, even the course of your life.  Gary Haugen’s book Just Courage, although it is short, packs a punch that gets you thinking.  If you let it, this short book could change the course of your life.

In terms of how it relates to my job at the church, and my job as a writer, it reminds me that an act of courage can truly impact the world.  The courage that will truly change the world for good, though, is the courage that comes from knowing Jesus Christ as Savior.  I personally tend to be a fearful person, who even gets nervous going to work on occasion, but when I trust in the strength that God gives me, I am able to drive through traffic, make it to work, talk to people on the phone, interact with my co-workers, and handle all the tasks before me.  In my blog post next week, I’m going to share about what courage looks like.

Categories
Wisdom Wednesday

When Fresh Water Looks Familiar

We just set up a television in our office to display a calm waterfall scene.  So far, the scene has managed to distract me from getting work done because it is so relaxing!  My eyes are drawn to the water spewing out of the waterfall.  How does the water look so fresh every time, but the water is never replaced by an outside force (well, obviously, besides rain in real life, but in this picture, there is no sight of rain anywhere).

I feel like the word of God is accurately portrayed in the vision of a waterfall.

I’ve heard people ask for a fresh word from the Lord.  We want to hear something new from God, not something that we’ve heard before.  We’ve been following His direction about an issue for several months, and we need something new to follow.

Isn’t that so much like our culture, to always expect the new and unfamiliar?

Come on, God!  Let’s get on with it.

God really challenged my belief when I was brought to read Psalm 23.  Let me tell you, if I could get a Masters in a verse or passage in the Bible, it would either be Philippians 4:6-7 (thank you, anxiety) or Psalm 23.  I had to memorize Psalm 23 for one of my classes in my undergrad.  I had done a Bible study on Psalm 23.  I heard a speaker talk about Psalm 23 during another one of my Bible studies.  I had studied sheep and shepherds and understand the importance of the sheep and the shepherds.  I studied each and every word out of the study.  I analyzed every, single, verse.  I sucked the verse dry, as if it were a hose with a limited amount of water.

So, why was God leading me back to read it again?  Didn’t I already graduate from Psalm 23?  Where was my fresh word?  Where was God going to meet me?

I read the chapter, and nothing in particular stuck out to me.

But that is exactly what I learned.

See, I approach God with what I want Him to teach me.  I approach God expecting Him to speak to me, expecting a fresh word, expecting His Word to bend and mold so that I could be satisfied with new information.  But I realized that God isn’t going to change His Word for me.  He isn’t going to feed me new food when He has already provided me my daily bread.

When the Israelites wandered through the desert, they got sick of the manna that the Lord was miraculously providing them daily.  The LORD was literally making bread fall from Heaven, and the Israelites were mad that they had to have manna again.  They were getting sick of it.  They were so numb to the miracles of God that they had forgotten that their provision truly was a miracle.

Instead of expecting a fresh word from the LORD, I should be grateful every time I approach God’s Word because God speaks to me through His Word.  Even if He keeps repeating “I love you” or “I will provide what you need,” God is speaking to me.  Psalm 23 may be a familiar word, but the word will always be true.  No matter if I’m about to walk into a difficult season, if I’m walking through a difficult season, or I just came out of a difficult season.  I’ve learned through time that the LORD is my shepherd.  Even though I can believe that now, there have been times in my life where I’ve really had to trust God to provide financially or emotionally, and I’ve seen Him provide money for me when I need it, as well as peace when I was going through a panic attack.

In that moment I was getting a reminder of the times that God had revealed Himself to me as shepherd, and has taken me through the hard times.  If I was expecting a fresh word, I would have missed the wonderful lesson that God wanted to show me.  When we approach God’s Word, let’s not be expectant of a fresh word.  Let’s be humble, teachable, and let God speak to us through His Word.

Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash

Categories
Books

Freedom’s Ring: Boston Comes Alive

It is ironic to me that I’m writing a Christian fiction novel and I really don’t read a lot of Christian fiction.  When I went on the reNEW writers conference, I met a sweet woman who had just published her first novel.  It was so great listening to her story and hearing the journey that she endured while writing, rewriting, editing, and submitting her first novel.  I am glad that Heidi Chiavaroli’s novel Freedom’s Ring was my first real look at Christian fiction.

Freedom’s Ring is a time-slip novel, a novel that compares two stories in two different time periods.  The story follows Anaya, who, along with her family, suffered trauma from the Boston Marathon bombing in 2013.  In the midst of the chaos that day, a mysterious hero gives Anaya a ring that is able to sustain her through her healing journey.  They spend the rest of the book learning the history of the ring, trying to discover its ancient meaning, while learning about themselves in the process.

The ring dates back to the 1700s, on the onset of the Boston Massacre.  During this time, Liberty, whose brother James is a Patriot, is servant to a Redcoat.  She develops feelings for the Lieutenant and must choose between her allegiance to her country and her desire for love and acceptance.

This book was Christian fiction done right.  It captured my heart with emotion, but it also left me inspired.  I felt like I was there with the women in the story, talking with them, getting inside their brains.  From a writer’s perspective, I was able to admire the character development and the change of thought as Anaya heals from her trauma and Liberty undergoes the trauma of the Boston Massacre as well as the political drama of the American Revolution.  Heidi does a wonderful job in making a story so historical to us so relevant to the reader.

I also love that Heidi brought to life the city of Boston.  I didn’t really know a lot about Boston when I read this book.  I have been to Boston a few times to check out colleges around there and to visit my aunt, but the streets were not familiar to me after visiting a few years ago.  I felt like I had bought a one-way ticket to Boston and had taken the scenic route, admiring the culture of this city rich with history.

The book is great for anyone who loves history.  I can imagine a few people I know that like Christian fiction and history enjoying this novel.  The romance is innocent, the emotions are real, and the historicity is realistic.  I give a solid thumbs up to Heidi for a great success on her first novel.

For more information about the book, including where to buy it, you can check out Heidi’s website at http://www.heidichiavaroli.com/

Categories
Marriage

Marriage Monday: This is Your Time

It is so tempting to go on social media and see that you are falling behind.

Look at everybody else having kids, buying houses, getting engaged, getting married, putting their kids through pre-school.

When will it be your turn?

For a long time, I had fallen into the trap that if I just get to the next level, then I could finally start living. All I need to do is graduate college.  All I need to do is move out from my parents’ house.  All I need to do is get a boyfriend.  All I need to do is get engaged. All I need to do is get married.  If I have all my ducks in a row, then I’ll be happy.

But after attaining all of these things, I’m still not content. Well, I’m at least not content in these things.

My husband and I have a lot to be thankful for this time of year.  We survived our first year of marriage happier than ever.  We are now debt free after paying off my husband’s 6-year finance loan in one year, and after paying back my sister a couple of dollars we owed her from my mom’s bridal shower.  My husband and I are thriving in our hearts and in our marriage and in our careers.  But according to the world, we haven’t reached the next level.

Can you believe that people are asking us when we are having kids?

Can you believe that people are asking us when we will buy a house?

Can you believe that people are asking us when we’re going to get a real job?

We have learned to be discontent in this ever-changing world.  We have learned that if we follow the way of the world, we will never be happy.  So we’ve chosen to follow the way of Christ, the way that God has called us to live.

You see, God is the giver of life and the redeemer of time.  God is the one who calls us to live a life, and He is the one who plans our live for us.  He did not allot this time for us to prepare for life.  No, in this very moment, we are living.

My husband and I have learned several things to help us be content in God:

  • Be thankful.  We just finished Thanksgiving.  What are you thankful for?  As we mentioned before, we paid off a 6-year car loan in 1 year.  We are happy in our marriage.  We have peace from God about the decisions we have made.  And we don’t need anything else.If you are feeling discontent, write down a list of things that God has blessed you with.  Whether you’re married and you have a house full of kids and a noisy dog, or you’re single living in your parents’ house with a retail job, you have a lot to be thankful for.
  • Take a break from social media.  When I see smiling faces staring back at me on Facebook and Instagram, sometimes I get a little jealous.  Why don’t I get to go on that exotic vacation?  Why don’t I have my book published yet?  Why don’t I get to meet those cool people?  Why don’t we have a house yet?  The best remedy to these “If only’s” is to turn off my computer and live.  I might not have my dream life, but I have the story that God has written for me.  At the end of the day, His story is always better than the one I would have written for myself and for my family.  Sometimes, you need to celebrate with your friends from a distance.  When your friend is pregnant and you’re just not at that stage of life yet, take a break from Facebook and don’t fall prey to all the pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties, and baby shower pictures.  Learn to love your own life, while also appreciating the work that God is doing in their lives.
  • Plan.  Sometimes it helps to make your dreams real when you sit down and plan.  We are nowhere near ready to buy a house, but when we sit down and think about how we want to decorate our house and what kinds of parties we want to have in our home, it makes our dreams more attainable.  It makes our fantasies realities.  Obviously, you don’t want to plan everything before the time is right.  You don’t know where God is going to lead you to live or how He’s going to lead you to raise your kids.  But you can talk about what is best for you and your family, and that can give you hope that it will happen someday.  If you’re also in a place in life where you want kids or a house or a career, and are potentially able to have those things, create goals with how to get there.  Make a budget toward saving for a down payment on a house.  Send out your resume to companies that do what you want to do.  The best way to plan is to pray.  Pray for God to show you what to do and how to get ready.

Do not give into the lie that you are not living now.  If you are breathing, you are living. This time is not preparation; this is it.  No matter if you’re working an entry-level job or you’re the CEO of your dream company, you are living.  No matter if you’re single or if you’re married with five kids, you are living.  No matter if your place of residence is your parents’ basement or a mansion, you are living.  Stop waiting for the next level and be thankful for this level.

Photo by Thorn Yang on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Finding Financial Freedom as a Couple

This post is a unique one because my husband helped me write it.  Go, team!

My husband and I are excited to say that we are 100% debt-free.  In our first year of marriage, we paid off my student loans (about $20K by the time we got married), his car loan ($21K with 0% interest), and a few dollars we owed my sister!  We are now in the process of saving money toward our emergency fund, and after that, we will start putting money toward a down payment for a house.

As many Christian couples that have gone before us, we have learned a lot from the teachings of Dave Ramsey, as well as from Christians around us who are good at budgeting.  We are thankful for their wisdom, and ultimately, for the wisdom that God has provided for us during our newlywed stage.

Here are some quick tips that have helped us to find financial freedom as a couple:

  • Evaluate your priorities. As a couple, we’ve had to make some hard decisions together about our spending.  Do we use our wedding money to pay off student loans, or to buy a house?  Do we save for a house, or do we go on vacation?  Wherever we choose to spend our money demonstrates our priorities.  Even while looking for jobs, we’ve had to ask ourselves: would we rather be making six figures, or would we rather be together as a family?  Unfortunately, the world does not promise us both.  We often have to pick between long hours of overtime and spending quality time with our loved ones.  We’ve clearly chosen the latter; we’ve both decided that we never want work to come before our marriage, even if that means making less money.
  • Tithe.  Along with priorities, in our marriage, our priority is to give glory to God and to serve Him above anyone else.  We have chosen to love God first, then each other, and then our family, and then everyone else.  That pattern of love is the way we make every decision, including with our finances.  We honor God by giving Him the first-fruits of our income, not the last bits of crumbs, if there’s even any left!  We have seen God bless our marriage and bless our finances through our decision to honor Him with the money that He has given us.
  • Make a budget.  Sit down together and make a budget that works for both of you.  One thing we’ve learned from Dave Ramsey is to assign every dollar that you make to an item on your budget.  The money shouldn’t just sit in your bank account.  It should have a purpose, and you and your spouse should have control over it.
  • Stick to the plan: This is the point that my husband wanted to add.  If you don’t stick to the plan, then you’ll just get right back into debt.  Plain and simple.  These are the wise words from my husband!
  • Have open communication: Today, I got a check for $10.  Ten.  Dollars.  That’s it.  But I still sent a message to my husband to let him know about it and to let him know what I was going to do with it.  Part of sticking to the plan is to talk about what money is spent, what money is taken in, and what money is being saved.  We can talk about what is working in our budget and what needs to be adjusted.  We don’t hide any money from each other, and we don’t make any major purchases without talking about them.
  • Make it fun: My husband and I have truly enjoyed saving our pennies together.  We have found fun and creative ways to save money each day.  In the beginning of our marriage, we would go out to eat in order to have fun.  Just yesterday, our date night involved learning how to play the guitar together by watching videos on YouTube (for free!).  When we went out to eat on Friday, we tried to see what little things we could change to our meal to lower the cost; we ended up sharing a drink and the fries.  It can be fun coming home after a day together and still having money in our pockets.

I am thankful to God that my husband and I are a team.  Since we do everything together, we are able to celebrate our personal victories together.  That includes becoming debt-free and saving money toward bigger things.

Make the decision today to trust God with your finances and to work toward your financial goals as a team with your spouse.

Photo by Jonathan Brinkhorst on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Why the First Year is the Hardest

For eleven months, my husband would ask me if we could eat our anniversary cake.  “No!”  I protested.  My play-it-by-the-rules attitude insisted that we must eat our anniversary cake on our anniversary.  That’s what made it special, right?

On the drive home from our anniversary trip last week, we were so excited to finally be able to eat our anniversary cake.  My husband joked that they gave us the wrong cake, or that the box was empty, but we both hoped that none of those were true.  For most of our months of marriage, we’ve heard several horror stories of in-laws eating the wedding cake while the bride and groom were on their honeymoon.  We were thankful that was not our story!

I began to realize that this was the last tangible piece of our wedding that we could grasp together.  My dress is collecting dust in the closet.  My husband returned his tux.  The rest of the food had already decomposed in the trash (sorry for that graphic!).  Even the honeymoon was a distant memory.  This cake was the last tangible piece of the wedding that we can experience.

The last time we had this cake, we were madly in love.  We ate the strawberry and buttercream without a single clue of what it would be like to spend the rest of our lives together.  We had no idea what we were in for in the years to come.

This time, the cake tasted even sweeter, because we were able to eat it on the other side of the spectrum.  We were able to eat the cake knowing that we were much closer, much stronger, and much more in love than we were the last time we ate it.

The lovely people who offer us unsolicited advice warned us that the first year of marriage is always the hardest.  Some have even gone as far to say that the first year of marriage will either make or break your relationship.  Hearing advice like this left me a little fearful of what the first twelve months of our journey together would hold.  I wondered if every fight, every disagreement, every time I didn’t get my way, would make or break us.

Since my husband and I fought on the same side, we knew each conflict would only bring us closer together.

We’ve learned together that the first year of marriage is the hardest because it is the first year where we have to surrender.  The rest of our marriage will continue to be surrender, but after surrendering our holiday traditions that were so familiar to us, after surrendering our own personal ways of budgeting, and after surrendering how we spend our quality time, we now have a rhythm for the rest of our lives together.

We know that surrender is still going to feel uncomfortable.  We know that surrender is not always going to be cut and dry.  We know that surrender is going to involve compromise from both of us.  But since we’ve already surrendered to one another for a year, we know that we can continue to surrender daily for as long as we both shall live.

Biblically, this type of surrender is called submission.  Ephesians 5:21 calls us to submit ourselves to one another.  The marriage relationship is no different.  We need to submit ourselves (our hopes, dreams, traditions, and beliefs) to one another in order to become one.  Surrender helps us to connect.

Our society does not like surrender.  Society teaches that we need to fight for our rights, to fight for our way, to never give up until we win.  Surrender, however, is messy.  Surrender tells us to fit a square peg in a round hole.  But surrender causes us to give up our comfort for the sake of true satisfaction and true contentment.

I wanted to write a blog post about my wedding cake because I was amazed that it tasted so good.  People had told us that the wedding cake usually tastes horrible by the first year.  (But hey, here’s a shameless plug for those planning their wedding: strawberry apparently freezes really well!)  I was so excited to be able to prove them wrong.  I was so excited to share that our cake tasted just as delicious as it did one year ago.  I was so excited to share what this cake symbolized: that we defied the odds of our society, that we defied the negative “advice” that we received, and that we not only survived our first year of marriage, but we thrived.

Are you thriving in your marriage?  Maybe it’s time to surrender your expectations of the perfect marriage, your holiday traditions, your budget, and your time.  But since I’ve been getting a lot of unsolicited advice since marriage, I’m going to offer you some: surrendering to your spouse is so much easier when you’re already fully surrendered to God.  Jesus surrendered His life so that we could have a relationship with God.  He calls us to give up our lives in return.  Our surrender to our spouse is just a small reflection of our surrender to Christ.  Ultimately, we must give God control of our lives and let Him remove the roughness of our edges so that we could connect deeply with our spouses.

This is an actual picture of a tier of our wedding cake.  It tasted better than it looked!