Category: Encouragement

Categories
Books Marriage

How to Pray for Your Husband

This is actually a book review for the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.  This book was recommended to me by several people, especially those who saw me reading it.  I’ll admit that because of the high expectation that I had of the book based on the high praises I received about it, I did not find the book to match up to my expectations.  Overall, it had a lot of great ideas for how to pray for my husband, and it was formatted in a way that made it easy for me to plan my prayers.  But it sort of seemed like the author had her own way of dealing with her husband, in terms of how she presented herself and what pleased her husband, that she portrayed as necessary for all women to have to do.  All men are different, and while they might have similarities, they do not all have the same needs and there is no textbook answer of how to meet our husband’s needs.

Nevertheless,  I did learn some good points that I believe will strengthen my marriage and help me to be more strategic in my prayers.  One thing I learned is to “shut up and pray.”  I’ve learned from experience that when my husband is struggling with something, he gets upset at me if I tell him what to do.  He does not want me to belittle him; he wants me to trust him.  When I can’t trust him, I pray, because I can trust God to intervene.  Either God will change my husband’s mind, or He will soften my heart to the issue.  It is better to pray for my husband and to let God be the one to tell him what to do.  Instead of criticizing everything he does wrong, when I see him doing something I don’t like, I should let God speak.  What he is doing may be totally wrong, or it might be exactly what God wants him to do, but I have to let God make that decision, not me.

The book is formatted with information about an area of life to pray for your husband, an example prayer, and finally key verses that can help guide your own personal prayers.  The book contains thirty chapters of areas to pray for your husband, one for each day of the month.  The first chapter, the longest chapter, is a prayer for his wife.  That’s me.  We often want to change our spouses, but it turns out that God is stirring in our hearts the desire to change.  We might get frustrated that our husbands do things we don’t like, especially if they did not do those things when we were dating.  But maybe the problem is not with our husbands.  Maybe it’s our perception of what he is doing that is wrong.  We should pray for ourselves first, to have an attitude that reflects Christ and a submissive heart that encourages our husband and does not tear him down.  We should also be reading the Word of God and praying the Scriptures over our husbands.  God’s Word can help guide and direct our prayers.

I believe that the point of the book is to develop a discipline of spending time in prayer with the Lord.  When your first priority is your husband, you are not inclined to make time for God.  But when your husband starts to do things that annoy you or worry you, that’s when God starts to grab your attention.  That’s when you turn to Him again.  And you can try as hard as you want to make your husband change, but only God can do that.

After reading this book, my plan is to see what my husband struggles with and pray for something new each day.  If I have to confront my husband on something, I will bring it to the Lord first.  It may involve simply praying about it.  But, with the Lord’s guiding, it may also involve having a graceful conversation about the issue.

I pray for unity in your marriage, and for God to speak to your heart as you pray on behalf of your husband.  Whether you want to change your husband’s habits, or you genuinely care about his salvation and his obedience to the Lord, God hears you and He is able to answer your prayer in such  a perfect way.

Photo by Diana Simumpande on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Jesus Gives me Peace

This week, I was worried about how Christmas Eve/Christmas would go.  I’m normally very anxious during holidays, and now that I’m seeing more people, I worry that I will upset someone or that someone will be in a bad mood.  However, this Christmas was not like that at all.  This Christmas, I had peace, and it was amazing.

On both sides of the family, we had a very mellow, chill time.  There were exciting things happening (such as my sister getting engaged!) but there was no drama, no fights, no stress.  We ended up, at both sides of the family, sitting around and talking and eating.  Isn’t that how the holidays should be?

The last few Christmases had a lot of pressure on them.  The first Christmas my husband and I spent together, we were engaged, so both sides of the family wanted to see us and had asked us a million questions about our plans.  Last Christmas, there was some tension about how we were going to spend our first Christmas as a married couple.  But this Christmas, there was no tension.  Not only was our environment at peace, but my husband and I were both at peace in our hearts.

Ultimately, peace does not come from our environment.  It comes from Christ.  Even though God provided a peaceful time for us at both of our families’ houses, we could have mentally stressed about what could have happened.  It could have been worse.  We could have had a fight.  I could have gotten sick.  Anxiety is big on playing scenarios that could happen instead of focusing on the reality that actually happens.

Anxiety causes me to focus on myself, to focus on what bothers me and what people could do to hurt me.  But when I fix my eyes on God, He shows me that the world does not revolve around me.  For the first time in three years, my focus was not on me.  It was on my sister who just got engaged.  It was on the people who were surrounding me, who were in the same stage of life as me: waiting, praying, and just plain resting.  My focus was on God, who has blessed us so abundantly this year, and who has truly allowed us to rest on Christmas.

One of the names of Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  He came to give us peace with God, peace with others, and peace within ourselves.  If you do not have peace with God, you cannot have peace with others and you cannot have peace within yourself.  I’ve tried to look for peace in what I eat, how successful I am, and how nice I am to other people.  But even if the scale says a good number, even if I’m not sick, even if everyone around me is happy, those things do not give me peace.

But the opposite is also true.  Even when there is chaos, when I can’t control my weight, when my family is all up in arms about something, when my to-do list runs off the page, I can have peace because I know that I have peace with God.

Jesus Christ came as a baby, in the humblest of forms, to bring us peace with God.  Jesus is our peace offering from God.  When we all bow before the manger in humility, we are able to have peace with one another.

Jesus came to Earth to understand us as humans.  You may feel like no one else understands, but God does. He suffered the same pain that we all suffer.  He went through everyday life on Earth just like we all did, from working a full-time job to dealing with people on the street.  Knowing that Jesus understands exactly how I am feeling, even when I am anxious, gives me peace.  Knowing that I have someone with me in the midst of the struggle gives me peace.  And having a chill Christmas does not give me hope in the candles and the table setting and even the food, but it gives me hope that every good and perfect gift is from above.

May God bless you as we reflect on 2017 and as we plan ahead for 2018.  God will go before you and will meet you in the new year!

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Marriage Monday (on Tuesday)- What to Expect in Marriage

“One winter a Farmer found a Snake stiff and frozen with cold. He had compassion on it, and taking it up, placed it under his coat. The Snake was quickly revived by the warmth, and resuming its natural instincts, bit its benefactor, inflicting on him a mortal wound.” (Aesop’s Fables, Eliot/Jacobs Version)

Just like the snake, humans have natural tendencies toward specific behaviors because of the influences of this world.  Because of the Fall, we have tendencies to sin and to fall short of perfection.  However, we expect people to look a certain way, act a certain way, and say certain things.  We get annoyed that people don’t fit into our molds of what the perfect husband, the perfect parent, or the perfect child looks like.  But when we actually try to control them, we find out that there’s nothing we can do to change them.  Some people are just the way they are, and we can’t fix them.

I tend to be a control freak. I really like perfection, whatever that is.  And most often, my lack of perfection and the lack of perfection in others leaves me pretty dissatisfied with relationships.  I keep having the same conflicts with the same people and I keep doing the same thing to try to fix it.  Doesn’t Einstein define that as insanity?

For those who want to change their spouses, remember the analogy of the snake.  If he has been trained his entire life to run away from conflict, then don’t get mad at him when he fears you raising your voice.  If she has been influenced to clean when she’s stressed, then don’t be surprised when she can’t sit still.  We have all been influenced by the way we’ve grown up, the people we’ve met, and the experiences we have undergone.  The patterns we have developed are not going to change overnight.  If they change, they will take time.  And they will take grace.

My advice to you today is from my dear friend, Elsa: let it go.  My husband would not be happy, because he has vowed never to see this movie.  But the simplicity of the lyrics and the sweetness in Idina Menzel’s voice as she sings these words reminds me that it truly is that simple.  You can’t control when your husband likes to check his phone every night before bed, thus shining the light in your face?  Let it go.  You can’t control that your wife likes to talk a lot right before bed, thus keeping you from precious sleep?  Let it go.  Just take a deep breath and walk away.  Don’t bring it up.  Just…let it go.

If it’s really an issue that makes your blood boil, pray about it.  God can intervene, and He will either change the habit or change your heart about it.  Be open to both.

I must add that there are expectations in marriage that are normal and healthy.  You expect your husband to remain faithful to you.  You expect your wife to honor the budget that you created together.  I know gender roles have changed a little bit over the years, but either spouse or both are expected to do their share of cleaning the house, shopping, raising the kids, and keeping the romance alive.  Your spouse is supposed make you feel safe.  Your spouse is expected to seek reconciliation and peace in your marriage, not to tear you down or talk bad about you.

Just like the snake analogy, people who are abusive, unfaithful, and lazy have also been shaped by their natural tendencies and by their environments.  Jealousy may also ensue from people who have been abused, cheated on, or neglected in past relationships, and this jealousy can manifest in anger, controlling behavior, or the silent treatment.  Knowing this, it is easy to feel sympathy for those who hurt us.  We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  But abuse, infidelity, laziness, and jealousy are all detrimental to a marriage, in addition to our well-being, and so they must be confronted.

If your spouse has an issue with these detrimental habits in your marriage, do not let it go.  Pray earnestly, but do not be afraid to confront your spouse.  If your spouse does not listen, consider counseling or other resources to help you deal with your spouse in a graceful manner.

Grace is God’s indescribable gift to us (2 Corinthians 9:15).  When our spouses do not meet our expectations, let us extend this same gift to them.  Instead of making them meet your expectations, let God reveal His expectations for you and your life partner.

Photo by Jeremy Yap on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Anxiety During the Holidays

As a culture, we tend to idolize and idealize holidays.  The food has to be just right.  Everyone has to get along.  The decorations have to be creative and fun, and the house has to be spotless.  You better come up with some good stories and some exciting news to tell your family.  There’s some serious pressure to do everything right and to not mess it up.  After all, you don’t want to be the one ruining the holiday.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for several years, and the holidays have gotten progressively harder for me.  My anxiety tells me that I have to be perfect, that I can’t mess things up, and it literally ruins the holiday for me.  All I ever want to do on the holiday is stay home and do nothing.  But that’s not the way the world works.  I don’t get to call in sick to Christmas.

When I started dating my husband, I actually confessed this to him.  I was nervous about being around his family, especially since I was meeting a lot of them for the first time.  What if their first impression of me was not good, and they hated me for the rest of our lives together?  They also had their own set of rules that I was afraid I would ruin.  But if I went back to my own house, I felt like I was walking on a tightrope, and that anything I said or did could cause everything to go off balance.

I am fully aware that all of this is irrational, but it does not shake the feeling that I get whenever the holidays roll around.  What I’ve learned after letting this happen is that, if I let anxiety win, I miss out on a great day.  Since I’ve been praying and having the support of my husband holding me accountable, I’ve been conscious about not letting my anxiety get the best of me.  I intentionally focus on what I look forward to, not what I anticipate going wrong.  And for the last couple of years, I’ve actually been able to laugh, talk, and relax with both sides of my family instead of being overcome with anxiety.

If you are like me, here are some practical tips that I have discovered to at least avoid the panicking feeling:

  • Watch what you eat/drink.  People tend to indulge on sugary snacks and drinks during the holidays.  Sugar causes your heart to race, which in turn causes your anxiety to increase.  Alcohol may calm your anxiety, but it may also give you acid reflux.  Be aware of how certain foods affect your body.  If you’re feeling anxious, drink some water or some peppermint/herbal tea to calm down your body.
  • Remember the true meaning of the holidays.   As a Christian, I celebrate Christmas, the time of year where we remember Jesus our Savior coming to Earth.  Jesus is the Prince of Peace, the one who reconciles all people to each other as well as to God.  When I am anxious, I can remember that Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  When I am nervous about upsetting someone, I can remember that my identity is in Christ and not in what people say about me.  If you’re feeling anxious, remember that God is with you.  One of God’s names is Emmanuel, which means God With Us.  God is with you, even in your time of weakness.
  • Guard your heart.  Not everyone believes the same things that you do.  Some people might mock you for trusting in God.  Do not let their negativity, complaining, or criticizing keep you down.  If you need to separate yourself, find another family member to talk to.  If someone wants to chew your ear off about how wrong you are, don’t let it get to you.  Just take a deep breath and let it go in one ear and out the other.
  • Breathe.  The holidays are meant to be a time for relaxation, reflection, and fun.  Don’t let your anxiety get in the way of the rest that you deserve.  You work hard all year, so you are allowed one free day where you don’t have to do anything.  You can be anxious any other time this year; give yourself a break just this one day.  Literally, close your eyes, breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth, until the anxiety is gone.  The anxiety will pass; you just have to let it leave.

Merry Christmas to all!  I pray that the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ, meets you all in a special way this year.  I can’t wait to hear what He does in your life!

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Celebrating the Holidays Together

The time is coming and is now here where families gather for the holidays.  Although holidays are meant to be a time where we relax and enjoy our time together, when marriage is involved, they can become very stressful.

Every year, the question is brought up: Where are we spending (enter holiday here)? The first year we were married, we were fortunate enough to have four days in a row off from work for Christmas Eve and Christmas. We saw my husband’s immediate family and extended family, and my immediate family. We were able to see everyone we wanted to see and still have time for ourselves.  But it was exhausting. We decided this year that we were going to do things differently, for our sake. However, doing so involves stepping on some people’s toes.

Your family may be accepting of your new family, or they might grow bitter from you not seeing them. But now that you’re married, what is most important is your husband. God first, then husband, then kids (if you have any), then family, then everyone else.

So, here are some ways that we’ve learned to actually enjoy the holidays together:

  • Plan ahead. You and your husband need to go out to a nice fancy dinner and bring a calendar. Look at every holiday your family celebrates. Then create a schedule that works for both of you. If you’re crazy enough to do half and half for every holiday (see one family for lunch and one for dinner), then go for it, but that does not work for us. We like to invest in each family without staring at our watches and wondering when we’re expected at the other side’s house.  But no matter how your schedule looks, make sure that both families are represented. If your parents are divorced, unfortunately that makes it more difficult to see everyone, but just designate Christmas as “husband’s family” or Thanksgiving as “wife’s family,” so whether you see extended family or immediate family, a mother or a father, a sibling or a cousin, you’re compromising so that both of you are happy.  Then, stick to the plan, no matter what.
  • Expect to offend. Nothing breaks my heart more than telling my family that we won’t be seeing them for a holiday. Just get it into your head that someone will not be happy with your plans. Grandma might hang up the phone on you. Mom might not speak to you for a week. Dad might Facetime you and say that you’re missing out. Take their offense as a compliment. They’re upset because they actually want to see you. Remind them that you’ll see them again soon, and if you’re like us, you will probably see them at the next holiday or at the same holiday next year.
  • Expect to be wrong. We got married right before Thanksgiving. The question on everyone’s mind was: where are the newlyweds spending Thanksgiving?  We quickly told everyone that we wanted to be alone for the holidays. Our plans changed after the honeymoon, when we decided that we needed to spend time with our families. It was good for us, not just for our families. I called up my mom and asked if we could sneak over for Thanksgiving, and I called up my mother-in-law and asked if we could come over for dessert. I admit in this case that I was wrong about how the holidays would have turned out. I guarantee that we will be “wrong” again. When you’re wrong, go with the flow and try to enjoy the holiday as best as you can.
  • Be one. When my husband and I have to decide how we are spending the holidays, we always end up disagreeing a little bit. In those moments, we have to remember that being together is the most important. You will miss out on some of the plans, but as long as you are both together, you’re doing it right. Our goal is never to split up during the holidays

Family, I know it’s hard to see your child/sibling/extended family member spend time with other people that they also happen to call family. Some families are fortunate enough to be able to host both sides of the family. Some couples have their own houses and are able to host. My advice to families is to cherish the times that you are all together. When you’re not together, rejoice that God is growing your family through your in-laws and that your loved ones’ in-laws are so accepting of him/her. Give them grace; they are trying to figure it out.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Enjoy them, no matter how you spend them with your family.

Featured image created by Norman Rockwell.

Categories
Marriage

How to Break Bad Habits in Marriage

We don’t like to talk about our struggles.  I especially don’t believe that I should be sharing my struggles in my own marriage all over the internet.  But I believe that if we don’t deal with our struggles, our struggles can end up controlling us and putting a wedge between us and our spouses.  Here are some general habits that we’ve seen in our own marriage and in other marriages that we would like to address and deal with, and some steps on how to stop doing them:

  • Giving up:  I don’t just mean walking away from the marriage.  That’s a given.  Separation or “the D word” aren’t even options for us.  But unfortunately, I’ve seen many marriages where the couple has been physically together for decades but have been emotionally and mentally disconnected for just about as long as that.  Being happily married doesn’t mean that you didn’t sign the divorce papers.  It means that you have open communication, love, and trust between you and your spouse.  And in simple fights, you can heighten the gap between you and your spouse simply by having a dismissing attitude.  When you’re in the middle of a fight, you might be tempted to say things to tear down your spouse (“You’re not listening to me!”) or to be dismissive (“Okay, yeah, whatever you say”).  Don’t do that.  Resolve right now, when you’re not fighting, to stick it out until you have reached a compromise.  The silent treatment is also a form giving up.  My tendency is to want to walk away when there’s tension and not deal with it.  A friend from college warned against that when I did it to her.  The only exception to this is when you are physically deprived of energy.  If it is late, if you are hungry, if you’ve had a long day at work, then let your spouse know that, and make a plan to talk about it again.
  • Assumption: As I’ve said before, I try to be a mind-reader and tell my husband what he’s thinking.  Not only isn’t that healthy for him because it limits his ability to express his own feelings, but it’s also unhealthy for me because it exhausts me trying to analyze everyone else.  This also goes for assuming how he will react when I do something.  If I go out and see a nice bookshelf that I really want, I may assume that since I don’t spend a lot of money from our budget anyway, my husband wouldn’t mind if I just splurge a few hundred dollars on a bookshelf.  Communication is key, and whether your husband says the same thing every time you ask, you still have to ask.  It’s polite, and it keeps conversation open.
  • Sarcasm: There is a time and place for sarcasm and joking, but when it’s time to be serious, it’s time to be serious.  My husband and I are both guilty of dismissing a conversation with a joke, a smile, or a laugh, and my husband has clearly articulated why we do that.  I’ve learned that my husband jokes when he is uncomfortable.  When I’m confronting him about something, or when I’m crying, it makes him uncomfortable.  So instead of confronting him even more by yelling at him for laughing at me, I need to trust that he’s not making fun of me.  His laughter is just an indication that he’s not ready to talk about it, or that he’s trying to ease the situation.  We both have things to work on, and I’m very thankful that my husband has been honest with me about his struggle with this.
  • Priorities: If you are a Christian, these are the priorities of your life:  God first, then spouse, then children (if you have them), then family/friends, then everyone and everything else.  This is so hard when you’re close with your mom or when you have a best friend that you tell everything.  When you’re married, those ties have to get loosened, not cut, because you still need other people in your life.  You have to readjust what you share with your friends and family.  You also have to readjust how you spend your time.  Surrender to God first, and He will show you how to put everything else in place.  That’s at least what He promises in Matthew 6:33.

Overall, prayer is the answer.  If you are at a crossroads in your marriage and you think your situation is impossible, stop what you’re doing right at that moment and pray.  You may have other habits in your marriage that are causing a divide between you and your spouse.  It is so important to call it what it is and to ask God to heal you from those tendencies.  Marriage involves becoming one, a constant laying down of our old habits and the ways we were trained in the world.  When we work on becoming one, some of those habits pop right back up to the surface and expose their ugly little heads.  But when we recognize and deal with those issues, we are able to cut the weeds that are trying to choke our marriage and nurture the good habits that are causing our marriage to flourish.

 

Categories
Wisdom Wednesday

When Fresh Water Looks Familiar

We just set up a television in our office to display a calm waterfall scene.  So far, the scene has managed to distract me from getting work done because it is so relaxing!  My eyes are drawn to the water spewing out of the waterfall.  How does the water look so fresh every time, but the water is never replaced by an outside force (well, obviously, besides rain in real life, but in this picture, there is no sight of rain anywhere).

I feel like the word of God is accurately portrayed in the vision of a waterfall.

I’ve heard people ask for a fresh word from the Lord.  We want to hear something new from God, not something that we’ve heard before.  We’ve been following His direction about an issue for several months, and we need something new to follow.

Isn’t that so much like our culture, to always expect the new and unfamiliar?

Come on, God!  Let’s get on with it.

God really challenged my belief when I was brought to read Psalm 23.  Let me tell you, if I could get a Masters in a verse or passage in the Bible, it would either be Philippians 4:6-7 (thank you, anxiety) or Psalm 23.  I had to memorize Psalm 23 for one of my classes in my undergrad.  I had done a Bible study on Psalm 23.  I heard a speaker talk about Psalm 23 during another one of my Bible studies.  I had studied sheep and shepherds and understand the importance of the sheep and the shepherds.  I studied each and every word out of the study.  I analyzed every, single, verse.  I sucked the verse dry, as if it were a hose with a limited amount of water.

So, why was God leading me back to read it again?  Didn’t I already graduate from Psalm 23?  Where was my fresh word?  Where was God going to meet me?

I read the chapter, and nothing in particular stuck out to me.

But that is exactly what I learned.

See, I approach God with what I want Him to teach me.  I approach God expecting Him to speak to me, expecting a fresh word, expecting His Word to bend and mold so that I could be satisfied with new information.  But I realized that God isn’t going to change His Word for me.  He isn’t going to feed me new food when He has already provided me my daily bread.

When the Israelites wandered through the desert, they got sick of the manna that the Lord was miraculously providing them daily.  The LORD was literally making bread fall from Heaven, and the Israelites were mad that they had to have manna again.  They were getting sick of it.  They were so numb to the miracles of God that they had forgotten that their provision truly was a miracle.

Instead of expecting a fresh word from the LORD, I should be grateful every time I approach God’s Word because God speaks to me through His Word.  Even if He keeps repeating “I love you” or “I will provide what you need,” God is speaking to me.  Psalm 23 may be a familiar word, but the word will always be true.  No matter if I’m about to walk into a difficult season, if I’m walking through a difficult season, or I just came out of a difficult season.  I’ve learned through time that the LORD is my shepherd.  Even though I can believe that now, there have been times in my life where I’ve really had to trust God to provide financially or emotionally, and I’ve seen Him provide money for me when I need it, as well as peace when I was going through a panic attack.

In that moment I was getting a reminder of the times that God had revealed Himself to me as shepherd, and has taken me through the hard times.  If I was expecting a fresh word, I would have missed the wonderful lesson that God wanted to show me.  When we approach God’s Word, let’s not be expectant of a fresh word.  Let’s be humble, teachable, and let God speak to us through His Word.

Photo by Robert Lukeman on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Marriage Monday: This is Your Time

It is so tempting to go on social media and see that you are falling behind.

Look at everybody else having kids, buying houses, getting engaged, getting married, putting their kids through pre-school.

When will it be your turn?

For a long time, I had fallen into the trap that if I just get to the next level, then I could finally start living. All I need to do is graduate college.  All I need to do is move out from my parents’ house.  All I need to do is get a boyfriend.  All I need to do is get engaged. All I need to do is get married.  If I have all my ducks in a row, then I’ll be happy.

But after attaining all of these things, I’m still not content. Well, I’m at least not content in these things.

My husband and I have a lot to be thankful for this time of year.  We survived our first year of marriage happier than ever.  We are now debt free after paying off my husband’s 6-year finance loan in one year, and after paying back my sister a couple of dollars we owed her from my mom’s bridal shower.  My husband and I are thriving in our hearts and in our marriage and in our careers.  But according to the world, we haven’t reached the next level.

Can you believe that people are asking us when we are having kids?

Can you believe that people are asking us when we will buy a house?

Can you believe that people are asking us when we’re going to get a real job?

We have learned to be discontent in this ever-changing world.  We have learned that if we follow the way of the world, we will never be happy.  So we’ve chosen to follow the way of Christ, the way that God has called us to live.

You see, God is the giver of life and the redeemer of time.  God is the one who calls us to live a life, and He is the one who plans our live for us.  He did not allot this time for us to prepare for life.  No, in this very moment, we are living.

My husband and I have learned several things to help us be content in God:

  • Be thankful.  We just finished Thanksgiving.  What are you thankful for?  As we mentioned before, we paid off a 6-year car loan in 1 year.  We are happy in our marriage.  We have peace from God about the decisions we have made.  And we don’t need anything else.If you are feeling discontent, write down a list of things that God has blessed you with.  Whether you’re married and you have a house full of kids and a noisy dog, or you’re single living in your parents’ house with a retail job, you have a lot to be thankful for.
  • Take a break from social media.  When I see smiling faces staring back at me on Facebook and Instagram, sometimes I get a little jealous.  Why don’t I get to go on that exotic vacation?  Why don’t I have my book published yet?  Why don’t I get to meet those cool people?  Why don’t we have a house yet?  The best remedy to these “If only’s” is to turn off my computer and live.  I might not have my dream life, but I have the story that God has written for me.  At the end of the day, His story is always better than the one I would have written for myself and for my family.  Sometimes, you need to celebrate with your friends from a distance.  When your friend is pregnant and you’re just not at that stage of life yet, take a break from Facebook and don’t fall prey to all the pregnancy announcements, gender reveal parties, and baby shower pictures.  Learn to love your own life, while also appreciating the work that God is doing in their lives.
  • Plan.  Sometimes it helps to make your dreams real when you sit down and plan.  We are nowhere near ready to buy a house, but when we sit down and think about how we want to decorate our house and what kinds of parties we want to have in our home, it makes our dreams more attainable.  It makes our fantasies realities.  Obviously, you don’t want to plan everything before the time is right.  You don’t know where God is going to lead you to live or how He’s going to lead you to raise your kids.  But you can talk about what is best for you and your family, and that can give you hope that it will happen someday.  If you’re also in a place in life where you want kids or a house or a career, and are potentially able to have those things, create goals with how to get there.  Make a budget toward saving for a down payment on a house.  Send out your resume to companies that do what you want to do.  The best way to plan is to pray.  Pray for God to show you what to do and how to get ready.

Do not give into the lie that you are not living now.  If you are breathing, you are living. This time is not preparation; this is it.  No matter if you’re working an entry-level job or you’re the CEO of your dream company, you are living.  No matter if you’re single or if you’re married with five kids, you are living.  No matter if your place of residence is your parents’ basement or a mansion, you are living.  Stop waiting for the next level and be thankful for this level.

Photo by Thorn Yang on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Finding Financial Freedom as a Couple

This post is a unique one because my husband helped me write it.  Go, team!

My husband and I are excited to say that we are 100% debt-free.  In our first year of marriage, we paid off my student loans (about $20K by the time we got married), his car loan ($21K with 0% interest), and a few dollars we owed my sister!  We are now in the process of saving money toward our emergency fund, and after that, we will start putting money toward a down payment for a house.

As many Christian couples that have gone before us, we have learned a lot from the teachings of Dave Ramsey, as well as from Christians around us who are good at budgeting.  We are thankful for their wisdom, and ultimately, for the wisdom that God has provided for us during our newlywed stage.

Here are some quick tips that have helped us to find financial freedom as a couple:

  • Evaluate your priorities. As a couple, we’ve had to make some hard decisions together about our spending.  Do we use our wedding money to pay off student loans, or to buy a house?  Do we save for a house, or do we go on vacation?  Wherever we choose to spend our money demonstrates our priorities.  Even while looking for jobs, we’ve had to ask ourselves: would we rather be making six figures, or would we rather be together as a family?  Unfortunately, the world does not promise us both.  We often have to pick between long hours of overtime and spending quality time with our loved ones.  We’ve clearly chosen the latter; we’ve both decided that we never want work to come before our marriage, even if that means making less money.
  • Tithe.  Along with priorities, in our marriage, our priority is to give glory to God and to serve Him above anyone else.  We have chosen to love God first, then each other, and then our family, and then everyone else.  That pattern of love is the way we make every decision, including with our finances.  We honor God by giving Him the first-fruits of our income, not the last bits of crumbs, if there’s even any left!  We have seen God bless our marriage and bless our finances through our decision to honor Him with the money that He has given us.
  • Make a budget.  Sit down together and make a budget that works for both of you.  One thing we’ve learned from Dave Ramsey is to assign every dollar that you make to an item on your budget.  The money shouldn’t just sit in your bank account.  It should have a purpose, and you and your spouse should have control over it.
  • Stick to the plan: This is the point that my husband wanted to add.  If you don’t stick to the plan, then you’ll just get right back into debt.  Plain and simple.  These are the wise words from my husband!
  • Have open communication: Today, I got a check for $10.  Ten.  Dollars.  That’s it.  But I still sent a message to my husband to let him know about it and to let him know what I was going to do with it.  Part of sticking to the plan is to talk about what money is spent, what money is taken in, and what money is being saved.  We can talk about what is working in our budget and what needs to be adjusted.  We don’t hide any money from each other, and we don’t make any major purchases without talking about them.
  • Make it fun: My husband and I have truly enjoyed saving our pennies together.  We have found fun and creative ways to save money each day.  In the beginning of our marriage, we would go out to eat in order to have fun.  Just yesterday, our date night involved learning how to play the guitar together by watching videos on YouTube (for free!).  When we went out to eat on Friday, we tried to see what little things we could change to our meal to lower the cost; we ended up sharing a drink and the fries.  It can be fun coming home after a day together and still having money in our pockets.

I am thankful to God that my husband and I are a team.  Since we do everything together, we are able to celebrate our personal victories together.  That includes becoming debt-free and saving money toward bigger things.

Make the decision today to trust God with your finances and to work toward your financial goals as a team with your spouse.

Photo by Jonathan Brinkhorst on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Why the First Year is the Hardest

For eleven months, my husband would ask me if we could eat our anniversary cake.  “No!”  I protested.  My play-it-by-the-rules attitude insisted that we must eat our anniversary cake on our anniversary.  That’s what made it special, right?

On the drive home from our anniversary trip last week, we were so excited to finally be able to eat our anniversary cake.  My husband joked that they gave us the wrong cake, or that the box was empty, but we both hoped that none of those were true.  For most of our months of marriage, we’ve heard several horror stories of in-laws eating the wedding cake while the bride and groom were on their honeymoon.  We were thankful that was not our story!

I began to realize that this was the last tangible piece of our wedding that we could grasp together.  My dress is collecting dust in the closet.  My husband returned his tux.  The rest of the food had already decomposed in the trash (sorry for that graphic!).  Even the honeymoon was a distant memory.  This cake was the last tangible piece of the wedding that we can experience.

The last time we had this cake, we were madly in love.  We ate the strawberry and buttercream without a single clue of what it would be like to spend the rest of our lives together.  We had no idea what we were in for in the years to come.

This time, the cake tasted even sweeter, because we were able to eat it on the other side of the spectrum.  We were able to eat the cake knowing that we were much closer, much stronger, and much more in love than we were the last time we ate it.

The lovely people who offer us unsolicited advice warned us that the first year of marriage is always the hardest.  Some have even gone as far to say that the first year of marriage will either make or break your relationship.  Hearing advice like this left me a little fearful of what the first twelve months of our journey together would hold.  I wondered if every fight, every disagreement, every time I didn’t get my way, would make or break us.

Since my husband and I fought on the same side, we knew each conflict would only bring us closer together.

We’ve learned together that the first year of marriage is the hardest because it is the first year where we have to surrender.  The rest of our marriage will continue to be surrender, but after surrendering our holiday traditions that were so familiar to us, after surrendering our own personal ways of budgeting, and after surrendering how we spend our quality time, we now have a rhythm for the rest of our lives together.

We know that surrender is still going to feel uncomfortable.  We know that surrender is not always going to be cut and dry.  We know that surrender is going to involve compromise from both of us.  But since we’ve already surrendered to one another for a year, we know that we can continue to surrender daily for as long as we both shall live.

Biblically, this type of surrender is called submission.  Ephesians 5:21 calls us to submit ourselves to one another.  The marriage relationship is no different.  We need to submit ourselves (our hopes, dreams, traditions, and beliefs) to one another in order to become one.  Surrender helps us to connect.

Our society does not like surrender.  Society teaches that we need to fight for our rights, to fight for our way, to never give up until we win.  Surrender, however, is messy.  Surrender tells us to fit a square peg in a round hole.  But surrender causes us to give up our comfort for the sake of true satisfaction and true contentment.

I wanted to write a blog post about my wedding cake because I was amazed that it tasted so good.  People had told us that the wedding cake usually tastes horrible by the first year.  (But hey, here’s a shameless plug for those planning their wedding: strawberry apparently freezes really well!)  I was so excited to be able to prove them wrong.  I was so excited to share that our cake tasted just as delicious as it did one year ago.  I was so excited to share what this cake symbolized: that we defied the odds of our society, that we defied the negative “advice” that we received, and that we not only survived our first year of marriage, but we thrived.

Are you thriving in your marriage?  Maybe it’s time to surrender your expectations of the perfect marriage, your holiday traditions, your budget, and your time.  But since I’ve been getting a lot of unsolicited advice since marriage, I’m going to offer you some: surrendering to your spouse is so much easier when you’re already fully surrendered to God.  Jesus surrendered His life so that we could have a relationship with God.  He calls us to give up our lives in return.  Our surrender to our spouse is just a small reflection of our surrender to Christ.  Ultimately, we must give God control of our lives and let Him remove the roughness of our edges so that we could connect deeply with our spouses.

This is an actual picture of a tier of our wedding cake.  It tasted better than it looked!