victory – Elisabeth Warner

Tell Me How That Makes You Feel

I used to go to counseling. After talking her ear off about my childhood, my life as a college student, and my future plans, she woudl reply: “Interesting. Now, is there anybody you can talk to about your feelings on a daily basis?” That was an easy question. “Nope. No one at all.” She squinted her eeys at me in curiosity. “You don’t have anyone to talk to? No one you could call at any time of the day to ask for help?” The answer was still the same.

For a long time, I had believed that nobody cared about me or what I had to say. Although I knew that it was not true, I acted and thought liked I believed it. I had made excuses for people so that I did not have to face rejection. She’s too busy. He’s too preoccupied. She has problems of her own to handle; why would she want to help me? This is how I lived, knowing and believing that no one wanted to help me.

I started to ask for help last summer. I took a trip to Southern Spain to help with children’s camps and ESL classes. There was one time when I had a really bad fever. The fever was probably caused by the heat, and it made me feel nauseous and helpless. Normally, at home, I could easily grab some water, take a shower, or go to sleep. But I was in another country, speaking Spanish in a school classroom filled with kids. I didn’t know what to do. One of my friends came over and put her arm around me. I told her, “I don’t feel well.” That was the first time in a long time that I had admitted to someone else that I needed help. My friend asked me what was wrong. I put my hand on my foreahd and told her in Spanish that I had a fever. We walked to the bathroom. She put cold water on my head and neck, told me to breathe, and then took me to get a glass of water. Within about a half hour, my fever had left me. If I hadn’t asked for help, I would have sulked in my fever, and I would have believed that nobody cared about me.

I’ll be the first to admit that it’s not easy to talk with others about my own feelings, especially if they do not seem interested. It is also difficult when my feelings are fresh. For example, if someone says something offensive to me, it is difficult for me to express that my feelings were hurt. This is not something that I can learn overnight. As I said in my series about being childlike, it takes risks to depend on other people. But I am learning that it takes more of a risk to keep your emotions a secret from other people.

I always had anxiety because I knew that I could not get help from other people. After learning how to trust people with my anxiety, I feel like I am not alone anymore. When my eyes get wide and I have trouble breathing – a sign of a panic attack – I have friends now that understand the causes and know how to help. I also have friends that ask me how I am doing and then genuinely listen to me talk, which prevents panic attacks. Having others help you carry your burdens and help you live your life allows you to feel more at peace. However, if they need to give you advice, listen to them and accept what they have to say. They can see things in a way that you cannot, so they can offer you a fresh perspective on the situation.

My counselor knew the value of sharing my emotions with other people. If you trust other people with your emotions, your anxiety will not be as strong. Learning that you are not alone will help you to feel more in control.

How Does That Make You Feel?

If you’ve been following my other blog posts, you would know that emotions are a big deal to me. The reason why is the topic of this blog post: My failure to acknowledge my emotions on a daily basis has been the ultimate source of my anxiety. For a long time, I kept my emotions bottled up inside of me, afraid to show others how I felt. I was scared that no one would understand–or, even worse, that no one would care. As a result, my anxiety became the only thing that I would let myself feel. On the outside, I became quiet, reserved, and stoic.

I would have random moments where I would not be able to control my emotions. My friend would invite me to hang out, and I would angrily scream that I was always busy and I could never hang out with anyone! My mom and I would go out to eat, and I would start crying. I would apologize and then become irritated because I would not know why I was crying. I would have a great day at the beach with my friends, then come home and have a bout of depression. I believe that this chaos of emotions is due to the fact that I did not deal with my emotions on a daily basis.

As a result of my inability to control how I felt, I would feel more and more anxiety because I did not know what was wrong with me. I even developed psychosomatic symptoms (physical symptoms caused by mental or emotional stress) because I was not emotionally healthy. There was a period of time where I could not eat anything; everything I ate made me sick. I would also randomly get headaches. These physical sicknesses, as well as the episodes of emotional outburst, were red flags that something needed to change.

This last year of college, I learned how to identify my emotions. I discovered the value of my emotions, and the freedom to express them whenever I needed. When others told me to stop overreacting and just calm down, I stood firm in my ability and entitlement to feel what was in my heart.

I am finding a balance between expressing when I feel sad and forgetting about all of the blessings that I have. Today, I read some insightful advice from Tommy Newberry’s 40 Days to a Joy-Filled Life. He made it clear that it is okay to feel emotions, but it is also important not to let those emotions justify negative thinking or behavior. I realized that my negative emotions (irritability, feeling unloved, and feeling belittled) come from my refusal to take responsibility for my emotions. I justify my emotions by blaming others or saying that I’m entitled. I have a right to feel irritable because I did not sleep well last night. I would feel happy, if she did not look at me the wrong way this morning. Well, now that I am an adult, I am now responsible for how I feel and what I think.

You are responsible for your emotions. You could either suppress them or dump them onto other people. It is important not to justify your emotions but to validate them. You can start by writing a journal entry, maybe something like this:

Today, I feel (emotion) because (reason why you feel this way). I know that this is a valid emotion, but it does not have to control how I live. In order to be happy today, I can (practical ways that you can feel joy again, whether it is talking about it with a friend, changing your perspective about the situation, or doing something fun to distract yourself from it for a little while). Today is going to be a great day, filled with joy and peace rather than anxiety and negativity.

It is difficult to sort through your emotions when you have a lot of them. However, identifying your emotions can dispel anxiety and cause long lasting peace. I can honestly say that identifying and learning how to express my emotions has been the most helpful exercise in overcoming anxiety. Because of the support of other people, the grace of God, and the many hours I spend a day writing in my journal, I do not have any more stomach problems or headaches.