Categories
Marriage

Make Time to Connect

My love language is quality time.  That doesn’t just mean that I like to sit with my husband and watch TV.  No, it means sitting face to face and having a deep conversation that involves getting to know each other (and preferably, this meeting should have tea involved).  Since this is not my husband’s love language, it took us several months to understand what that looked like in our marriage.  This weekend, my husband truly spoke my love language.

This weekend, we celebrated our first anniversary.  My husband found us a sweet bed and breakfast in Connecticut.  Considering we are from suburban Long Island, where we have a plethora shops, restaurants, and movie theatres, we were in for a rude awakening when we noticed that there was nothing in sight around us but beautiful mansions, trees, and the house where we would be staying.  I had asked my husband to plan a place that was just the two of us.  I didn’t want any distractions; I just wanted to relax with my husband.  We were three hours away from home and we didn’t have cell phone service.  It was exactly what we needed.

In the thirty hours we were away (between driving to Connecticut, staying at the B&B, and driving home), we talked about everything.  We resolved some issues that we were having and made compromises that worked in both of our favors.  Since we were away from all the distractions and anyone who could make an objection to our plans, we figured that in the middle of nowhere was the perfect place to resolve our issues and set goals for the year ahead.

We spent at least an hour trying to state our case, looking into each other’s eyes and attempting to compromise.  We now have our holidays planned from Thanksgiving this year (2017), to Easter 2019.  We also have more of an idea of our financial goals for the upcoming year.  We used the time that we were given on this trip to truly get back on track and fall in love again.

Life gets in the way sometimes.  We’re distracted by work, by money, by our plans with friends/family, and by our own hopes and dreams.  We have both been in a season of waiting for several months, and it has taken a toll on us emotionally and physically.  The best solution for both of us was to drive three hours away, sit in a fancy house with no one else around, and re-connect.

We have found that this time away has truly helped our marriage for the better.  We were in love before, but now that we have reconnected and we are on the same page, it feels like we have a deeper intimacy because we’ve been reminded that we’re fighting on the same side.  We’re praying the same prayers and aiming for the same goals.  We know that we can use our time to remind ourselves of the commitments we made over the past few months.

If you need to reconnect with your spouse, here are some habits that we’ve implemented to make our marriage a priority:

  • Make a date night.  Depending on your schedule, your date night could be once a week or even once a month, as long as it’s consistent and it’s firm.  For example, we have our date night on Friday.  That means we cannot make plans with friends/family on Fridays.  Our only exception is when we make double date plans with other married/engaged couples, especially our couples Bible study that meets every other Friday.
  • Be intentional.  Have an agenda.  You don’t have to spend a lot of money.  In fact, you don’t have to spend any money.  My husband and I plan on using our next date night to learn how to play the guitar together (we both have guitars and haven’t even touched them since we got engaged).  When we go out to eat, since we’re on a budget, we make a game out of using a gift card and keeping the bill within the amount on the gift card.  It doesn’t have to be an extravagant night out; it just has to be an environment where you can talk and remind each other of your love for each other.
  • Set goals.  During our first year of marriage, we learned a lot and we realized a lot of our flaws as well.  Talking about our issues this weekend gave us goals to work toward for our next year of marriage.  Setting goals makes what you think is impossible attainable in your marriage.  As a result of this weekend, we agreed to get out of debt (pay off my husband’s car), save for a house, and make better use of our time.  Working on these goals together strengthens our marriage and makes the mundane tasks of life a little more fun.

Making our marriage a priority honors God.  When we pray together and seek God in our marriage, He meets us during those conversations.

 

Photo by Rémi Walle on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Grace Covers Our Happily Ever After

There is a lie from our culture that says that once we have a husband, everything is going to be okay.  We struggle with sin, and we feel ashamed and unworthy, but once that Prince Charming comes on his white horse to pick us up, we’re clean and we no longer struggle.  Friend, my Prince Charming came a long time ago, and His name is Jesus.  I didn’t need my husband to rescue me, and even if I did, he did not (and cannot) make me perfect.

Even after you’ve found what our culture calls your “Prince Charming,” your marriage will not instantly be a happily ever after.

When my husband and I were planning our wedding, we had a lot of internal (between the two of us) and external (from other people) conflict while planning.  I thought that all the conflict would be resolved once we crossed the finish line into marriage.

But it didn’t go quite like that.

Once we made it back from our honeymoon, once the drama of wedding planning was officially over…we looked at each other and thought, now what? Although the Bible says that two become one flesh when we get married, we still felt like separate people.  We still had our own agendas, our own habits, and our own traditions to maintain.  Where did this whole marriage thing fit in?

On Sunday, it will be our one year anniversary.  The other day, we were thinking about the past year.  I realized how much we had learned in just one year.  What was difficult for us before was still difficult, but it is a lot easier now.  What was impossible for us before was now thinkable, and we know it will only get better in time.  After one year, we now communicate better.  After one year, we now have shorter fights.  After one year, we now strategically pray for each other and know how to ask for what we need.  After one year, we have realized more about becoming one flesh.

We should have a strong foundation in Christ when we go into marriage, but we should not expect that everything will go according to plan.  We don’t have to worry if we make a mistake in our marriage, as long as we learn from them to improve for the future.  It’s not the end of the world if we fight and use words that we, according to pre-marital counselors, should never use.  Our marriage isn’t going to fail just because we skipped out on date night.  We’re not terrible people if we go over budget every once in a while.  Our habits, conflicts, and communication styles can change, because God is constantly changing us.  While we seek to do everything right in our marriage, when we fall short, we can rely on God’s grace to keep us together.

Now that we’re nearing the end of our first year of marriage, we can look back and see all that God has done in our marriage from the beginning.  But we also understand that we’re not marriage experts.  Looking back on our first year, we can plan ahead for the next year.  How can we communicate even better?  How can we make our quality time even more meaningful?  How can we resolve conflict in such a way that we both win?  How can we make better decisions that accommodate both of our needs?

Marriage does not make everything better.  As a matter of fact, marriage exposes the flaws that we have so that we can work toward making them better.  Marriage takes time, and time takes patience on the part of both the husband and the wife.  Celebrate your successes together, while also looking at how you can both improve.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Categories
Books

What I Learned from “Gray Faith”

I met Carrye Burr on the reNEW retreat that I attended on Columbus Day weekend.  She was one of the women who encouraged me and now continues to encourage me with my writing.  We sat next to each other in the main room where we had our plenary sessions.  At the retreat, they had a Book Celebration and Signing for everyone who had published a book that year.  Carrye’s name was on the list!  I was sitting next to a published author!

I read the excerpt from her book Gray Faith on a sheet that we had received of everyone who published a book.  She wrote that she had grown up in a Christian home, the daughter of a pastor, and she had a lot of questions about her faith.  But, because she grew up as a pastor’s kid, she did not feel she had permission to ask those questions.  Nevertheless, she writes this book with the answers that she has discovered throughout her life, especially through the various trials that she has endured with her health, raising her kids, and the adoption of her son.

When I saw her summary, I instantly wanted to buy a copy of her book, not just because she was a debut novel writer, but because she had a story that was worth sharing.

The book is a fairly quick read (about 100 pages), but the information that she provides is genuine and fresh.  Without giving away too much about the book, Carrye includes issues that people deal with today, such as “seeker-friendly” churches and how to deal with sin.  Through the lens of a mother of three kids and a daughter to an obedient pastor, she is able to provide parenting advice for those who want to foster spiritual growth in their children, especially for those kids who have these times of questions about faith.

My favorite part of the book is the chapter on the church.  Having grown up in the church, Carrye never really thought about what it would be like for first-time guests to a church.  She felt comfortable in her church, so she thought everyone did as well.  But as she moved from place to place with her family and tried out different churches, she realized that all churches do not do things the same way.

Because of the rise of “seeker-friendly” churches (the ones with the dim lights and the coffee and the pastors wearing jeans), Carrye begins to question how comfortable the church should actually be for first-time guests.  Yes, we want them to feel welcome, but Christianity in and of itself isn’t always about comfort.  As a matter of fact, it’s about conforming to God’s standard for our lives, which almost always means a surrender of our plans for our lives.  That doesn’t sound too comfortable to me.  Since I work for a church that I think does a pretty good job of making it seeker-friendly but also Christ-focused, it was encouraging for me to do a heart check of what is important in a church.

The book Gray Faith demonstrates a sign of maturity in the Christian who asks these questions. The Christian who questions does not take everything at face value. If you have these questions, they might not get answered through reading this book, but the book was meant to start a conversation. May your questioning bring you closer to God.

Carrye Burr self-published this book, and it was a great book to get her name out there to continue building her platform as a writer.  At the retreat, she was already playing around ideas for another book, so I’m excited to see what other ideas God gives her!  You can purchase Carrye’s book Gray Faith on Amazon.

Categories
Book Update

Book Update: My Journey at reNEW

Nine thousand, one hundred, and seventeen.

That’s how many pages I had written toward my third rewrite of my book.  By hand.  All my book needed was time, character development, and a meaty storyline.  I’m pretty sure God gave me all of that when I went on this retreat a few weeks ago.

I’d signed up for reNEW (retreat for New England Writing) over the summer.  One of my friends from church invited me after she saw that I wanted to pursue a career as a writer.  The three of us from church who traveled together on Columbus Day Weekend did not know what to expect.

I’d already told you about what I learned spiritually and emotionally.  You’ll be amazed to know what I learned vocationally.

The retreat took place at Holy Family Retreat Center in West Hartford, Connecticut.  Having been built in the early 1950s, this retreat center has served as a source of hope, recovery, and a renewed love for Jesus Christ.

Believe it or not, this is what my book was missing!

As you know, my book is about a young woman who struggles with anxiety and learns to deal with the wounds from her past.  My book started as a testimony of how God healed me of anxiety.  Because I wanted to minister to a non-Christian audience (so that they can also find freedom from anxiety), I made God a symbolic, ambiguous character in the story.  When people read the story (even Christians!), they had no idea that the King was supposed to serve as the God character.

Before going on this retreat, I had been wrestling with how much of God I should put in my book.  On this retreat, I learned that God should be where he always was in my life, my marriage, and my writing: right at the center.  After walking through the Stations of the Cross, I could imagine my character walking along the trail, seeing her anxiety through the eyes of her Savior who literally moved Heaven and Earth to save her.  That experience brought healing not only to my soul, but to the soul of my main character, Tori.

If you never read anything from me again, may this message stick with you: Jesus Christ died for all of our sins, defeating death and all that it entails, and rose again three days later, carrying with him the hope of eternal life.  We think that eternal life begins when we die.  Well, we die when we surrender our lives to Christ, and He gives us new life right now.  And that’s how I was finally able to understand how to overcome anxiety, when I realized how dead I was before Jesus came and breathed new life into me.  Now my anxiety has no power over me.  And that’s the message behind my book Kingdom of Truth (title pending).

I’m thankful for the people who made reNEW possible.  I’m so blessed to have met some wonderful ladies who are now encouraging me in my writing and are giving me some interesting material to read as well!  I felt like I was a spark plug in need of an outlet, and this retreat truly helped me get connected and revived.

Now that I’m back to “the real world,” please pray that I would take the time to really invest in this book.  I have very little free time in my schedule, and when I actually have time, I’m tired and just want to curl into a ball and drink some tea.  But the desire to write has been burning within, even more now that I’ve attended this retreat.  My goal is to finish the book by the end of this year.  I’m celebrating each time I write even a hundred words (a paragraph) a day.

Thank you all for your support and prayers!

Photo courtesy of Green Chameleon on Unsplash.

 

Categories
Marriage

Marriage Monday: What Do You See?

We all remember the debate about the color of the dress.  Now there is a new debate: what color are the shoes?  My husband and I already disagreed on the dress color (I see white and gold, and he sees blue and black).  But these shoes were going to be different.  These shoes were clearly without a doubt grey and teal.  I did not see any other color.

Without saying any context, I asked my husband what color were the shoes. Without skipping a beat, he replied: “Pink and white.”  I was fuming.  How could he not see the picture my way?  What was so obviously grey and teal to me was so obviously pink and white to him, and we just couldn’t see eye to eye, literally, on the issue.

But that’s not the only thing we don’t see eye to eye on.

My husband and I grew up in two different families, with two different worldviews.  Even though he lived a few towns away from me for his whole life, and we definitely ran into each other at the local KMart a few times as children, sometimes it’s like we were born worlds apart from each other.

Who knew my Intercultural Studies degree would come in handy in my own marriage?

Whether your issues are as simple as deciding on a color for your bedroom or as complex as where you’re going to spend Thanksgiving, here are some ways that we’ve learned to collaborate even though we see things differently:

Learn to clearly communicate: I may be saying ABC, but my husband is hearing 123. We think that we’re speaking the same language, but when we say one thing to each other, we interpret it as something completely different.  Do not take for granted that you and your husband speak the same language.  Do whatever it takes to make sure that you are both speaking the same language.  If your husband is saying something important, repeat what he says so that you can reiterate that you understood him correctly.  If something is confusing, ask him to elaborate.  This may sound annoying and time-consuming, but nothing is more important than making sure you are on the same page as your spouse.

Do not assume: I tend to think of myself as a mind reader, but I’ve realized that instead of mind reading, I’m actually assigning feelings/thoughts to people that aren’t really there.  For example, I’ll tell my husband something that I believe is great news, and he’ll reply with silence.  I’ll wait a few minutes for him to say something, but he doesn’t.  So, I say out loud, “I guess it’s not great news to you.  I guess you can’t relate but you don’t want to hurt my feelings, so you’re not saying anything.”  I come up with all these motivations that my husband could have had for being quiet, but none of them were true.  He was just in the middle of making dinner, and he was focused on making sure the food came out just right.  Do not assign feelings to your spouse.  If you need to, ask why he/she responded that way.

Take a step back: Sometimes works of art require you to examine it from a distance to truly capture its beauty.  It is the same thing with conversation.  Take a step back from the conversation to truly process what is going on.  If you can’t give your spouse 100% of your attention, be honest.  “Hey, honey, can we continue this conversation later?  I really value what you’re saying, but I can’t concentrate on what you’re saying right now.  Let’s talk about it after dinner tonight.”  Make definite plans to talk about the important piece of information.  If it’s a fight, and you both need clarity, stop what you’re both doing and pray.  God can help you see what you both need to know.

The truth is, the shoe in this picture is pink and white, regardless of how you personally see it.  The lighting was altered so that some people see pink and white, while some (like me) see grey and teal.  You can see the real shoe if you do a quick Google search.  When you don’t see eye to eye, sometimes all you need to do is change the lighting so you both see the same color.  When you agree to work toward seeing eye to eye, that’s when your marriage will flourish.

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” -John 8:12

*I honestly don’t know where the picture originated, but this picture was taken from Google.

Categories
Books

Just Mercy: A Book that Made Me Cry, Ponder, and Cry Some More

As much as I love reading, it takes a lot for a book to make me cry.  Usually I cry at movies because the screen is right in front of me.  But a book has to be written in such a way that I can literally imagine myself standing in the same room as the one being hurt, and feel bad for him/her.

Bryan Stevenson’s book Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption was written in that exact way.

This book was another read recommended by the Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit.  The book was so well-written that I literally read it cover to cover.  I even read the Acknowledgements!

While reading the book, I thought that I was reading a fiction novel.  The book was written in a descriptive narrative that appeared to be omniscient perspective.  Stevenson had been able to perfectly replicate the feelings, thoughts, and actions, and motives of all the people who he highlighted in his book, just like a novelist would.

But that wasn’t the only reason why it felt like a fiction novel.

The book summary highlights the story of Walter McMillan, a man who was put on death row, having been wrongly accused of murdering Ronda Morrison of Monroeville, Alabama.  However, Stevenson also includes the stories of other cases that he had helped, especially children who had been sentenced to life without parole for non-homicidal actions.  McMillan’s story, as well as the others, exposed the racial injustice in the judicial system that Stevenson’s agency, Equal Justice Initiative, fights to correct.  The injustice that I read in the book was so terrible that I had wished throughout the entire book that it was a fiction novel.  I couldn’t believe that this was true, that these events had actually happened in our country.

The book is a timely novel in that there is currently debate over whether racism still exists today. For such a touchy subject as racism, Stevenson does a brilliant job of appearing unbiased toward the criminals as well as toward the victims.  Since the book was written in 2014, and the trials that he discusses took place between 1980 and 2010, it seems that Stevenson wants to continue the conversation of racial injustice in the judicial system so that it does not continue.  History has a habit of repeating itself.  If we forget about the mistakes of our ancestors, we run the risk of making the same mistakes.

While I was reading the book, my husband noted how often I would gasp.  I didn’t even realize I was doing it.  My gasps were in response to the incredulous actions of the court.  There were situations where they disposed of evidence in favor of the defendant, they forbade people of color to enter the courtroom, and they even sentenced the defendants to life without parole without any credible evidence that they committed the crime.  For the most part, the court just wanted to blame someone.

My gasps were also in response to the terrible lives that these criminals had to endure.  Stevenson writes in detail what it actually looks like for people to be executed in the electric chair.  I cried right along with them as the flesh was burning off of their skin.  One little boy was so small that the headpiece of the chair fell off his head when they did the first shock.  Stevenson also shares their backstories.  Some kids had watched their mothers get sexually and physically abused right before their eyes.  Some kids were good kids, but they hung around the wrong crowd.  Some had mental illnesses.

What Stevenson portrays in his book is that these people are, well, people.  They are people created in the image of God who have been tainted by sin, who have been broken by the world.  Just like all of us.  Maybe killing the broken people of this world isn’t the best way to make the world right.

To present a critical analysis of this book, I must point out a message that may not be clear to every reader: the fact that these criminals have terrible backstories does not excuse their behavior.  These stories may explain their behavior, but they do not excuse their behavior.  If a rape victim murders somebody because she feels paranoid that everyone is out to get her, it’s sad that she feels that way, but it does not make the fact that she murdered someone okay.  These kids did commit acts of violence that were completely and totally wrong.  What I think Stevenson is trying to argue, however, is that there should be a different way of dealing with these situations, such as through counseling or other correctional programs.  Simply killing someone (or letting someone rot in jail) who made a mistake does not fix their behavior.

For more information about Bryan Stevenson’s work with the Equal Justice Initiative, visit his website (click here).  The work that EJI continues to do demonstrates that the issues in this book are not completely resolved.  Pray about the part that you will play in promoting justice and mercy in our society.

Categories
Marriage

Standing Together

We’ve heard lots of advice when we were preparing for marriage.  Some of it was good, and some of it was just plain distasteful.  One of the best pieces of advice that we both received at the exact same time in different places is “You need to join a couples small group.”

One of the girls that I’ve watched grow up in the church told her mother that I had just gotten engaged.  Her parents had a small group for couples who were engaged and married up to five years (newlyweds).  From the other side of the Atrium, her mother called me and invited me to her group.  I instantly wanted to sign up, but I needed to get permission from my then fiance first.

My husband was in Florida, helping his grandfather who was terminally ill.  He visited his aunt’s church that Sunday.  While I was being invited to join her Bible study in New York, a woman that I had never met was praying over my husband, encouraging him to join a small group with couples so that we could learn from each other.  When I called him about the small group, he knew it was a complete confirmation.

We have been in the group for almost two years now, and it has been nothing short of a blessing.  We have a safe place where we can be real about our struggles and we can hear the struggles of others so we know that we are not alone.  When we see each other at church, we ask each other how we’re doing and we truly feel encouraged by each other’s company.  They don’t just throw advice our way; they talk to us and ask us specifically how they can pray for us (which is what newlywed couples need most).  We also go over a Bible study each year to help us center our marriages around God.

We have other couple friends who are not in our Bible study, but we see them at church and are involved in ministry with us.  We have taken a front-row seat into their marriage to see how all this theological stuff on marriage is played out in everyday life.  We have watched them interact with each other, go through the process of raising kids, engage with in-laws and relatives and friends.  All the while, they provide us advice and encouragement as well.  It is such a blessing to have them in our lives.

When we got married,  we wouldn’t have known what to expect if it wasn’t for these people in our lives.  We wouldn’t have been aware of the conflicts that would arise or the feelings we would encounter or the struggles we would face in our first year of marriage.  The couples who have blazed the trail before us were able to give us an inside look into their stories so that we could learn from them.  We are so thankful to have friends and family who are married and can simply share their lives with us.

Do you have that sort of accountability?

Find a couple in your church or in your family that is a good example of marriage to you.  Whether it’s your parents, your aunt/uncle, your cousins, your older siblings, small group leaders, or a well-respected couple in the church, you can simply start off the conversation by asking them about their marriage.  Pray that you can be real with them as they are real with you.  Then, learn from them.  Sit at their feet and see what it’s like to be married.  May they be people who give you an inside look into their marriage so that you will be prepared.  You will learn so much from their wisdom and experience.  What you learn will encourage you in your struggles and your successes as a couple.

 

Photo by rawpixel.com on Unsplash

Categories
Encouragement

Step into His Rest

I woke up Tuesday morning with a sense of urgency.  I had a lot on my plate: the apartment was a mess, I anticipated a crazy work day, and, of course, I wanted to write my book and my blog with very little time to do so!

Despite all the activities that stood on the path before me, I knew what I needed to do first.  I needed to put my day in God’s hands.  On Tuesday, I sacrificed the small amount of time before I had to leave and trusted God to show me what I needed to know.

And wow, did He show me!

You’ll never guess what I learned in my devotional.  It was about rest and trusting God to do the impossible!  They alluded to the story of Jesus feeding the five thousand.  We always focus on that incredible story, but what the disciples did before this great miracle happened is just as significant.  Before sending out His disciples to encounter these hungry people, Jesus asked them to spend some time alone in prayer.  Time alone with God is so important, because it allows us to center our attention on Him.  We need to rest in God in order for Him to strengthen us to overcome whatever obstacles we face in the day ahead.

One of the most powerful things I did on the retreat this past weekend was just let God control my day.  Obviously, He’s always in control, but sometimes I like to think I’m in control.  We had a schedule that we were suggested to follow, but nothing was mandatory.  I set my alarm so that I could follow the schedule.  When my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep peacefully.

Several hours later, I detected the sun shining through the curtain.  My alarm should be going off soon, I thought, snuggling deeper into the covers, allowing myself a few more minutes to sleep.  After dozing off again, I realized that my alarm hadn’t gone off.  Is the sun really up this early?  I looked at my phone.  If I’d wanted to follow the schedule, I should have been up 45 minutes earlier.

I guess I had needed my sleep.

I decided, since I’m constantly a slave to a schedule, to let myself relax instead of rushing to each and every activity that weekend.  I did not rush through my quiet time with the Lord.  I didn’t care that I was a little late to breakfast and that I couldn’t find a seat.  I made new friends, and I had some incredible conversations with people I wouldn’t have talked to if I was on time.  Whatever I chose to do during the weekend was more meaningful; instead of attending workshops and meetings because I had to, I attended them because I knew God wanted to show me something through them.

Trusting in God’s timing shows your confidence in him, which ultimately shows your confidence in what He says about you.

While it is tempting to rush through life, God calls us to trust Him with every step.  Someone told me this weekend that the way in the right direction always involves the first step.  We get so focused on the steps that follow that we feel too numb to take the first step.  All it takes to get us started is to rely on God for that one step, and then the next step, and then the next.  One step at a time.

And step by step, God will lead us.

You don’t have to have it all figured out.  You don’t have to choose right now.  You don’t have to be a slave to your schedule or to others’ expectations of you.

During these next few weeks, I’m going to through rush out the window.  I can’t ignore the tasks that God has allowed me to do, and the activities that God has provided for me to participate in, but I can develop an attitude of rest that reminds me who is really in control.  I’m not in control.  My activities are not in control.  My blog readers are not in control.  My potential literary agents/publishers are not in control.

Ultimately, God is in control, and I rest confidently in the fact that He will guide me in this next step, and every next step to follow.

Photo by Julia Caesar on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

I Left My Lung in NY

The bags were all packed.  The three of us were ready to make our trek to the conference.

Having driven to the North Shore of Long Island, taken a ferry across the Long Island Sound, and driven another hour, we finally arrived at our retreat center in Connecticut, over 100 miles from home.  Feeling welcome right away, I met some wonderful women who were genuinely happy that I was there even though they didn’t know me.  I wish I’d been able to talk to them, but the three of us (me and the two women I drove with) were so tired from the long trek that we politely excused ourselves to go to bed.

I found my way to Room 217. I opened the door to my room and saw a private bed with a small wooden desk and an open window covered by cream-colored curtains.  It was cozy, but it was unfamiliar.

Thrusting my bag off my shoulder, I had realized at that moment that I’d forgotten something very important.

I’d forgotten my husband.

My husband and I knew that I would be attending reNEW retreat (a retreat for New England Writing) and that it would be a great way for me to invest in my writing and get a sense of direction on where God was leading me.  He has given me this gift of writing, and I wanted to share it with the world.  This retreat, we were certain, would help me with that.  But this would be the first time in our eleven months of marriage that we would be apart for more than a day.  Separation for four days required a lot of trust and prayer from both of us.

Standing in that small monastery room, my head started to spin as the walls shrunk around me.  It felt as if my lung had been ripped out of my chest and I was forced to breathe with just one lung, double the effort but half the results.  Tears flooded from my eyes.  I covered my mouth, conscientiously preventing my sobs from echoing through the paper-thin walls.  I wasn’t even there ten minutes, and I already wanted to go home.

I knew I was right where I needed to be.  But knowing that didn’t make leaving my husband any easier.

Tears streaming down my face, I remembered the blog post that I had written about how it’s healthy to get some space from your spouse every once in a while.  It’s amazing that God used my own writing to encourage me.  Glory to God!

My husband and I prayed for each other over the phone before I went to bed.  What God led him to pray was exactly what I needed to hear, and exactly how we were able to survive being apart: “Even though we are physically separated, remind us Lord that we are always emotionally and spiritually connected.”  Sniffling the residual tears away with a smile on my face, I hung up the phone and peacefully fell asleep.

As a follower of Christ, I believe that my husband and I are joined together as one flesh by God.  In Matthew 19:6, Jesus tells His disciples: “What God has joined together, let no man separate.”  No matter how much physical distance is between us, our hearts will always be knit together by the love that we have confessed to one another in the sight of God.

In retrospect, I had an incredibly wonderful time at the retreat.  While going for a walk on my own, I started processing my third rewrite of the novel I’ve been working on for several years, finally developing a story line and a back story for each of my characters.  Since I had my own room and desk, I was able to write 50 pages of my novel in the ample amount of free time I was given.  During workshops and at meals, I connected with other women who shared my passion and encouraged me instead of competed with me.  And during the whole retreat, I learned to fully rely on God and trust His timing, especially when my circumstances did not correlate with my desires.  My husband also used his time away from me wisely by catching up with his friends from childhood.  Overall, we survived, and our time apart just made us remember not to take our time together for granted.

It may be difficult to breathe with just one of my lungs, but I can still survive.  And so can he.

Categories
Marriage

Wrapped in His Arms: My Story of Singleness

I want to encourage some singles who may be wondering why God isn’t answering their prayers for a husband/wife.  While I’m not God and I can’t speak for Him, I can speak of what God taught me during my time as a single woman.

I had a crush on a different guy from the time I started preschool basically until shortly before I met my husband.  I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved and to have a person.  Unfortunately, whenever I liked a guy, he did not like me back, and whenever a guy liked me, I did not like him back.  There would be days where I thought the guys that I liked actually liked me back, and I would get super excited that maybe I’d finally get a boyfriend.  Then I’d find out that he had a girlfriend, or that he was just trying to be friendly.  I would spend several weeks wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him, and what I had to change so that he would like me.  After those weeks were over, I would get over him, and then another guy would come into my life.

During this time, I was still following God.  It wasn’t like God was punishing me, or that I was pushing God away because He wasn’t answering my prayers.  I still attended church, I still read the Bible, and I still sought fellowship with other believers.  I knew God was in control, and I loved Him, but the desire for a boyfriend was like a constant poking at my side.  When I would have moments of loneliness, I would put on some worship music and cry.  I wouldn’t even have words.  When I did have words, I would journal pages and pages about my loneliness, ending with the reassurance that God loved me.

I clearly remember the day when I was done.

I was in church, sitting with one of my best friends.  We sang “Revelation Song.” Although I’ve sang this song hundreds of times, these words from the chorus stuck out to me: “You are my everything, and I will adore You.”  I broke into tears realizing that Jesus really was my everything.  I had been placing my faith in a boyfriend for so long that I forgot where my faith actually belonged.

In that short song, I prayed that Jesus would have my heart.  I told Him that He could have it all.  I told Him I would wait as long as He wanted me to wait for a boyfriend.  I was content having it be just me and Him.

That Tuesday, I met my husband.

I was so in shock that God had sent me a man so soon that I didn’t trust my husband at first.  I thought he was a distraction from the plan that God had for me.  But, after praying and seeking counsel from friends and family, I realized that God really did send this guy for me.  We quickly got engaged and married, before I could even blink.  And God has used him to heal me from my past and to feel the love that God intended for me to have.

When my husband and I sit together in church, he’ll put his arm around me.  After seeing couples together in church, I’d always wanted a guy who would put his arm over my chair.  A few weeks ago, God revealed to me that’s what He was doing when those other guys I wanted wouldn’t chase after me.  He had His arm around me, protecting my heart from the guys who didn’t love me in the way He intended.

So, if you’re discontent in your singleness, let me encourage you to think of your relationship with God like the featured image: walking through life with your father holding your hand.  She’s got the doll in her hand, but her focus is really on her father, and on what is in front of her.

Our God is jealous for us, and He desires us to treasure Him above all else.  Remind your soul that Jesus truly is your everything.  And watch how God works in your life.

Photo by Carly Rae Hobbins on Unsplash