Tag: inspiration

Categories
Marriage

marriage is like a child

I may not have kids of my own, but I have enough nieces, nephews, friends, and children from the ministries I’m involved in to know a thing or two about raising them!

One thing I know is that children are fragile when they’re first born, and as they grow, they are supposed to get stronger. Children at a young age need constant attention so that they don’t hurt themselves, and so that they can receive the nourishment they need to survive.

I couldn’t help but thinking that marriage is the same way.

When you first get married, you need to establish boundaries. You need to establish new rules. The people around you depend on you, as the husband of wife, to create the atmosphere for how you two interact with each other. And you need to be careful about who (and what) you let into your marriage, especially in the beginning, but as you continue to mature together.

People will try to give you unsolicited advice about how to treat your spouse. But you know. You may not be an expert, but you are now the closest person to your spouse. The newlywed stage is a learning process. You will learn your spouse’s favorite color. You will learn how your spouse likes his steak. You will learn your spouse’s schedule, and what keeps him calm. And eventually, the people giving you unsolicited advice will be asking you how to interact with your spouse.

Our marriage is two and a half years old, and from the very beginning, we’ve had to give our marriage constant attention. We’ve had to adjust our lives to the new schedule, and we’ve had to learn new routines to make our marriage work. We’ve had moments that make us roll our eyes because of how ridiculous they are, but we’ve also had moments that work so well, they’re like watching a child walk or hearing her say her first words.

But my absolute favorite part of marriage now is when people ask me questions about my spouse, and I actually know the answers! Like, “Does he like shrimp?”, or “Do you think he’d be up for this or that?”

I also want to note that marriage requires a lot of grace, just like it requires grace to parent a child. We may think that the mistakes we make now will affect the rest of our lives, that if we mess up in the beginning of our marriage, we can never have hope again. But that is not true. Sure, our mistakes have consequences, but there is grace. I’m not the same person I was when I got married. There were times I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing, and I know it hurt my husband. And there were times he said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing, and it hurt me. But there’s grace. Thank God for His grace! So don’t feel like you have to have it all figured out right from the beginning. Trust in God’s grace to sustain you through it all.

How much attention do you give to your marriage? Is your marriage high on your priority list? Like a child requires constant attention and a change of schedule, you need to make time for your marriage, and make time for the man or woman who matters most to you. Then, as you both grow, you will see your marriage grow, and you will be amazed as the work you put into your marriage early will produce fruit.

Photo by Picsea on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

distracting myself

Do you have OCD? Well, I have the obsessive part but not the compulsive. I don’t have chronic compulsive behaviors, but I do have obsessive thoughts that I can’t get out of my head! Like a bad song. I also have psychosomatic symptoms, so when I have an idea in my head, it almost always makes me sick.

Recently, I caught myself before I was about to go into the “obsessive” trap. I ate something, and I thought it would make me sick. Almost instantly after I thought it, my stomach began to turn. I was going to be sick. But I recognized the thought, realized that I wouldn’t get sick that quickly (especially conveniently after the thought just entered my head!), and then told myself I was fine. The more I thought, “I’m fine,” instead of, “I’m going to be sick,” the less sick I felt over time.

It was literally all in my head.

When a thought enters my head, it won’t leave. But, now that I’m older, I have learned how to drown out the thoughts. It’s called distraction.

Here are some practical ways to distract yourself, so that you don’t have to keep hearing the noise of regret, doubt, shame, or simply that nagging voice telling you what you need to do:

  • Music: I’ll typically listen to something that will calm me down, so that my body will naturally relax. Worship music is my go-to, as a lot of worship songs talk about the healing power of God, or about whatever I need from God in that moment. Focusing on God’s presence instead of the false pretense that something bad will happen shows me the truth, that my anxiety is a lie and that God’s will is for me to have peace. The same is true for you.
  • Prayer: While listening to music is a defensive way to distract yourself from obsessive thoughts (it’s like a shield), prayer and reading the Bible are both offensive. Think of prayer as a sword. You are declaring the promises of God out loud to yourself and your fear. You are speaking to the anxiety and telling it to leave. You are actively speaking against what your heart might be feeling or your mind might be thinking. You are speaking to a real person, who cares for you, listens to you, and helps you in your time of need.
  • Reading the Bible out loud: Like prayer, the Bible is a sword we can use to pierce the anxiety and the obsessive thoughts. Open up to the Psalms or one of the Epistles (in the New Testament) and read about God’s love for you. Reading it out loud uses more senses (hearing, seeing, and feeling) than it does if we simply read it in our heads. It also proves to be more of a distraction from the obsessive thoughts, as you’re focusing outside of your head rather than within.
  • Games: Sometimes, a good old-fashioned game on my phone helps me relax. When I’m anxious or have thoughts I can’t control, I’ll play a game of solitaire and take deep breaths. If I’m extra anxious, I may play a couple of games, but usually by the first game I’ve calmed myself enough to move on.
  • Journaling: This is one of my favorite ways to distract myself. It helps me process my thoughts (instead of ignoring them) and it gives me a reference for when I’m dealing with the same issue in the future. I love looking back on journals I’ve written 10 years ago and gaining insight from my teenage years.

These things help me drown out the noise in my head. What about you?

Categories
Marriage

Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation

Sin separates us from God. When we sin, going against what the Bible says, we are actually telling God that we don’t want to do things His way. We are insulting Him. In order to atone for our sins, Jesus died for us. He died for a people that didn’t accept Him. They mocked Him and beat Him, and yet He chose to forgive them. He chose to die for their sins, for our sins, so that we could have a restored relationship with God.

Knowing what I’ve done to my Lord and Savior brings me to tears. The ways I mocked Him and willingly disobeyed Him form a rock in my stomach at the thought of them. Yet He still chose to forgive me. He chose to seek reconciliation in our relationship. Now I am able to have a restored relationship.

I also have a new power: I have the power, through Christ, to forgive others. I no longer have to hold grudges. I no longer have to let the bitterness of what others have done to me cloud the vision of the abundant life God has for me.

Forgiveness is a choice. In reality, forgiveness has almost nothing to do with the other person, but everything to do with how you respond to it. How do you respond to it? You process how you feel, surrender the pain to God, remember how God forgave us through the sacrifice of Christ, and choose to love that person. Then, you do whatever you can to make peace with the person.

But what if your offender is unrepentant? What if the pain is so intense, that you can’t move on from it?

Well, forgiveness is not a feeling. Forgiveness is a choice. The more you surrender it to God, the more you will be able to find freedom from the hurt that your offender caused you. But you have another choice, a choice to be made after forgiveness.

That choice is called reconciliation.

This article shares some great steps to take to reconcile a broken relationship. Forgiveness is always possible, but reconciliation isn’t always necessarily possible. Reconciliation is a restored relationship. It requires two people to come together and discuss what happened, and it requires trust to be established again.

In your marriage, reconciliation is necessary for your marriage to work. You need to forgive your spouse for the little offenses that he commits on a regular basis, and you need to bring these offenses to his attention so that you can continue to have a relationship together. And when someone outside of the marital relationship hurts you, your spouse can be a support to you in helping forgive and to possibly make reconciliation a possibility.

While some argue that true reconciliation is not possible, I believe it is possible to try. I believe that, as ministers of reconciliation, that seeking to restore a relationship should be our default answer. You may not have the exact same relationship you had before the offense happened, but you can seek peace with your offender if you want it. But, if you don’t want it, you don’t have to enter into that relationship again. For example, if you’ve been hurt severely, whether through divorce, abuse, or adultery, you may not want to restore that relationship.

Unfortunately, however, you may still have to interact with your offender. If you’re divorced, and you have kids with your ex-spouse, you still have to keep him or her involved in your children’s lives. If a family member sexually abused you but the family doesn’t know about it (or any other complicated circumstances), your abuser may still be invited to parties. In order to still be civil with these people you are required to see, you have to implement boundaries. You cannot ever enter that same intimacy, whether physical or emotional, you had with the person that hurt you. Don’t share too much personal information with him. Don’t spend prolonged (or any) time alone with her. Make sure you bring a trusted friend or family member with you when you have to interact with him.

No matter if you choose to reconcile the relationship or not, seek peace. Pray for your offender. Wouldn’t it be amazing if God worked in his or her life and actually changed his or her life because of what happened? God’s grace and mercy are not too weak to forgive and redeem the people who hurt us. He can soften their hearts and help them to see the error of their ways.

Who do you need to forgive today? With whom is God nudging you to reconcile?

Categories
anxiety

God Gives Us More Than We (Think) We can Handle

When I was in college, as part of my major, I had to go on an internship out of the country for at least six weeks. After months of searching and praying, I finally found an internship in Andalucia, Spain, with an organization called Camino Global (which has since then merged with Avant Ministries). It was required that I speak at least intermediate Spanish, and I had to raise funds all on my own. Then, when I finally learned Spanish and mustered up the funds, I had to take a plane by myself, and be in a country where I didn’t know anyone…all by myself.

Needless to say, it was more than I could handle.

A common misnomer is that God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. The basis for this is found in 1 Corinthians 10:13. I’ve wrestled with this for years because, as I struggle with anxiety and know that God has spared me from so much pain, I know that God truly is in control of my life. But there also have been times where I truly believed that God had given me more than I could handle.

The axiom should be replaced with God knows what we can handle. Instead of trusting in our own strength, we can trust in the grace of God. We can trust His hand to guide our lives. The early church was persecuted for their faith; Paul even says that when they were in Asia, they were burdened beyond what they could bear (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). But, as Paul declares, God didn’t allow them to go through beating and mocking for nothing. Rather, Paul and his missionary team endured trials so that they could rely on God and not on themselves.

We place limits on ourselves that God never put there. God also places limits on us through our circumstances when we think we can handle it. The same guy from the Bible, Paul, heard “no” from God several times. God actually prevented Paul from going to Asia and Bithynia at a certain point in his ministry (Acts 16:6). There are different speculations about why Paul wasn’t allowed to go to those places at those specific times, but the short answer is: it wasn’t God’s will. Maybe it’s that Paul couldn’t handle it, but maybe it’s that God knew what was best for everyone involved in the situation.

To come back to my experience in Spain, I did it. Taking a plane by myself was difficult, and even debilitating, but God provided. On the way there, I sat next to two gentlemen who traveled to Spain every year; they gave me advice about what to do, and they even showed me how to go through customs. On the way home (the longest flight I’ve ever been on), I sat with a boy from Israel whose family had moved to Texas; because he was sitting away from his family, I felt responsible for him, which gave me little time to worry. On my connecting flight, I sat with a guy who was a prayer leader for Liberty University, and he prayed with me during the flight. And that was just the plane.

The first few days were hard, but again, I did it. I made some friends and listened to music and practiced my Spanish. I had a couple of nightmares, and I did panic once, but God used the people around me to help me find peace in Him. By the end of the experience, I was ready to go back to Spain after paying off my college loans. Thank You, God, for your grace!

During that time, God knew what I could handle. His grace sustained me through the six weeks I was away from family and friends. In fact, His grace allowed me to make new family and friends. However, there were other times where I wanted to go and serve Him in other countries, but He closed each door. I like to think that God knew what I could handle, and that He found another person who He would grow like He grew me in Spain.

You’re braver than you think. You can handle more than you think you do. But for the things that debilitate you, trust in God’s grace. He knows what you can handle.

Photo by Leio McLaren (@leiomclaren) on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

This will RUIN your wedding…if you let it

So much planning, so many details, all go into that one special day. The first day of the rest of your life. Oh, so much can go wrong. But will you let it?

The truth is, anything can ruin your wedding. We live in a fallen world, and we interact with imperfect people. Think about all the people in your family (and in your future spouse’s family). Do you really think that, just for one day, they could be perfect? From experience, let me tell you: the answer is no. They are all still the same people, just wearing fancy clothes and welled up with emotion. So, there’s even more margin for error than usual, because everyone’s emotions are up in the air.

The key is not to let anything ruin your special day.

So, the photographer shows up late, the decorative flowers show up as the bride is walking in, Uncle So-and-So had too much to drink and is now making a fool of himself, and somebody will say something that will make you wonder why you married into this family. Or why you were born into it. Or why you hang out with the people you do.

My husband and I…well, we got married relatively quickly, so we didn’t really have expectations. Until other people did and we realized our expectations were not their expectations. Then chaos ensued. But instead of focusing on what went wrong, we focused on the beautiful day that God gave us.

First and foremost, Lenny and I were dedicating our marriage to God. The church ceremony was beautiful, and (from what I could see) there wasn’t a dry eye in the room as emotion welled up throughout the sanctuary. I was marrying the man of my dreams. My husband was marrying the woman better than his dreams (his words, not mine!). It was an abnormally warm day, at sixty-five degrees in the beginning of November. Our venue was right on the water, so the pictures were beautiful and our guests enjoyed walking around outside. The food was delicious (whatever I was able to eat in my dress!), and I was able to see friends and family that I hadn’t seen in years. And, of course, I felt incredibly beautiful in my dress, and everyone who met me on the receiving line was quick to remind me of how beautiful I looked.

When I focused on what went right instead of what went wrong, whatever petty drama happened in the background stayed there. In the background.

I don’t tell you this to rain on your parade. I tell you this to prepare yourself for what is to come. If you’re imagining a day where nothing goes wrong, you’re imagining a day that doesn’t exist on this side of Heaven. There is a perfect wedding coming, but it won’t be in this lifetime, and it will be between the perfect Bridegroom (Jesus Christ), and His sanctified Bride (the Church). Until then, embrace the day that God has given you and enjoy it. All of your planning was not in vain. Now that it’s all done, take this one day to rest, breathe, and celebrate your union with the man (or woman) of your dreams!

Photo by Scott Webb on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Start with Me

A few weeks ago, I shared how we should start our years off on the same page as our spouse. We don’t have to be the same person, but we do have to make an effort to compromise and share goals with each other.

The best way to get on the same page as your spouse is through prayer. Over the next couple of weeks, I’m going to share how to pray for your marriage in specific circumstances. Before praying to change my spouse, I always want to examine my own heart for anything that needs to change in me.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus tells us to look at our own lives before we judge others:

“Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matthew 7:1-5).

This is not to say that we should not judge others, but that we should do so only after making sure our conscious is clear. Applying this to marriage, if I judge Lenny for leaving his dirty socks on the floor, and yet I leave my dirty socks on the floor, I need to get my priorities in order. If you don’t leave your dirty socks on the floor, but it bothers you when your husband does, there is a way to bring it up to him. We will talk about that in the coming weeks.

This week, we want our prayer to be three simple words: Start with me. The temptation is to try controlling our spouses, but in reality, we simply cannot control anyone but ourselves. No matter how much you nag or complain or even pray, you cannot change your spouse’s behavior or attitude. But you can bring your concerns to God.

I personally like to journal, so if you’re looking for a nice format to bring your concerns before God in a written prayer, here are some tips:

Be honest with God about how you feel. It may actually bother you if your spouse leaves his dirty socks on the floor, to the point where you can’t even sleep at night. If so, take it to God first! Your husband may not understand why it bothers you, but God does. Write down exactly how that action your husband does makes you feel. You’ll be surprised about what comes up.

Ask God to bring up any past hurts that could contribute to why something bothers you about your spouse. Looking back at the feelings you wrote down, think about why your husband’s actions invoke these emotions in you. Maybe your little brother used to leave his socks on the floor and it would stink up the whole house. Maybe you have an obsession with keeping your house clean. Maybe you want to control your spouse because you’ve put him on a pedestal and you don’t want him to disappoint you. Whether or not you know the reason why his actions bother you, ask God to reveal the meaning behind your feelings to you. If needed, ask God to bring healing into these hurts so that you can see past the faults of your spouse.

Confess your sins to God. This really should be before the other points discussed, but usually when we pray about our marriage, we pray to try to change our spouses or our situations. Now that your guard is down, and you’ve realized that whatever problems you have in your marriage are also your responsibility, you can deal with your own sins.

Ask for (and received) forgiveness. God wants a relationship with us. We can check off the list of sins we’ve committed, but unless we know that God forgives us, and we accept His forgiveness, we can’t fully, intimately connect with God. Don’t rush through this. Take time to receive the grace and forgiveness of God in your life.

If your marriage has problems, you are not the problem, but neither is your spouse. Before you blame your spouse for the chaos in your life, make your prayer, “Start with me.” Whatever you want to see changed in your spouse, ask it for yourself as well.

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety Encouragement

My Word for 2019

Although I have focused on a word each year since I graduated from college, I haven’t started documenting my words until last year. My word for 2019 is commit, based on Psalm 37:5

“Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him, and he will act.”

I was going to explain to you what the word “commit” means in the original Hebrew, but it has a pretty obscure meaning. I’ll commit to doing more research on it, and I will get back to you!

First and foremost, I want to commit this year to God. Whenever I put Him first, He provides, guides, and blesses. I want Him with me in 2019!

When praying about this year, I realized that I mentally put my life on hold. In particular, my husband and I have been saving for a house. In 2018, we made incredible progress, but I spent a lot of time wishing that we had a house so that we could have parties or have more space. We have also pushed off going on vacation and other fancy adventures because we are saving every penny. For the majority of the year, I believed that my life wouldn’t start until we had a house.

The truth is: life is too short to wait to live. God gives us waiting seasons, but He doesn’t call us to stop living until we’re done waiting. Waiting in the Bible is active. People who waited prayed, worshiped, met with other believers, and kept living their lives. And that is what I intend to do in 2019.

The last couple of years have been crazy. I’ve been asking since 2014 for a chill year. You all know about my instant push into adulthood, from getting a full-time job to getting married and moving into two apartments in two years. This year may finally be my chill year! During this year, we can focus on living our lives to the fullest while sticking to our financial and spiritual goals.

In 2018, I decluttered all the stuff that wasn’t producing fruit in my life. In 2019, I am now holding onto what is producing fruit and making room for those ministries, relationships, and habits in my daily life. Yesterday, I wrote a list of what I wanted to commit to this year. I won’t be sharing that list in public, but now I have a vision for the rest of 2019. What I will share is what has inspired me to commit:

  • We are losing our connection with our friends and family through our busy schedules and our addiction to social media.
  • We are losing our ability to discipline ourselves and practice self-control due to the instant gratification offered by technology and quick commercial services.
  • We are losing our need for commitment because we have so many options. You don’t like your spouse? Get a divorce. You don’t like your family? Disown them. You don’t like your friends? Ghost them. According to the world, you can have a hundred superficial friendships in order to replace the few meaningful relationships.

I fully admit that I have fallen victim to each of these points I’ve mentioned:

  • Due to my busy schedule, I find it hard to make time for my friends and family. This year, I have committed to do a better job of keeping in touch with them, and even inviting them to our apartment. I don’t have to wait to get a house in order to see my friends.
  • Due to the difficulty of eating healthy and fitting a workout plan into my schedule, I have been very bad at sticking to my fitness goals. This year, I have committed to a workout plan, and I intend to keep that commitment until the end of the year.
  • Due to the pain of conflict and emotional abuse from others, it is difficult for me to keep lasting relationships with others. It is much easier for me to cut them out of my life than for me to deal with conflict or to go deep with them. This year, I have committed to be intentional about attending church, being present at my small group, and participating in the community where God has placed me. Although I have been committed to my husband, I have committed to dig deeper into our marriage and grow even closer together.

I am reminded of Jesus’ teaching about abiding in the vine. This past year, God has pruned the areas of my life that have not produced fruit. This new year, God is making space for me to produce more fruit and to flourish where He has planted me. I cannot wait to see what 2019 holds for me and my husband. We’re ready to commit!

What word has God placed on your heart for 2019?

Photo by Oscar Ivan Esquivel Arteaga on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Preparing for Marriage

Preparing for your marriage is vital for success. During engagement, you and your betrothed are laying the foundation for the rest of your marriage. If you get off on the wrong foot, of course, God is still able to help you and heal you. But while you have the tools now, why wait until things get worse to make them better? If you don’t want the house of your marriage to crumble, make sure you have a strong foundation, one that is built on Christ and His teachings.

Here are the ways that we prepared for marriage, and specifically, how they have helped us thus far:

Deciding you are a team. Lenny and I are a team, as we have been since we made our relationship official. Knowing we were a team made it easier to make decisions, and to show respect to one another. Your finances are connected, your boundaries are connected, and you are connected. Marriage connects you to your spouse on a physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual level. Get accustomed to practice being a team, even as an engaged couple.

Pre-marital counseling. I struggled with pride big time in the beginning of my relationship with Lenny, so getting a diagnostic test of how well they thought we would do as a couple was both intimidating and eye-opening. It is a counselor’s job to be neutral, but reflective. If you get your pre-marital counseling from a pastor, you will get counsel from a person who loves you and cares about you, but will know how to keep it biblical rather than personal. We also had our pre-marital counseling at an office about forty minutes from where we lived, so we had the opportunity to catch up before our session, and then process on the way home. Most churches require you to have pre-marital counseling in order for you to get married there, but even if you aren’t required, I encourage you to find a local Christian counselor who can start you and your betrothed off on the right foot.

Other married couples. From the moment we got engaged, we were blessed with so much encouragement from more mature couples. A week after our engagement, one of our small group leaders saw me from across the atrium at church and invited us to their group specifically for newlywed and engaged couples. Since that invitation, we have connected with our small group, as well as other young married couples in the church who are just a little bit more mature in their marriage than us. It has been great simply to have people who understand what we’ve gone through, especially in a world that says that marriage is when your life ends. You would not believe how many people told us that we’d have a couple of good years, and then it would get very difficult and we wouldn’t be as close as we are now. Two years later, I’m not saying that marriage is perfect, but it has not been as bad as people had warned. I’m thankful for the people who have spoken life into our marriage rather than declaring our marriage a curse from the beginning. For those who are married, speak life into these newlywed and engaged couples, instead of setting them up for failure. For those who are engaged, find couples who will speak life into you and your betrothed.

Marriage devotionals. Lenny and I both like to read. In our small group, we’ve done several marriage Bible studies, that have each spoken to us in different ways and have helped us in each season so far. We also do marriage Bible plans on the YouVersion app and pray together as a couple. But we started that when we were engaged, seeking God’s will and blessing for our future marriage. You can search for marriage plans on the YouVersion app, or you can study a topic together from the Bible to increase your faith and grow in God together.

The heart behind Marriage Monday is to show you how to have hope and love in your marriage through the power of God. Lenny and I thank God that we have seen God’s power and blessing in our marriage, because we have chosen to honor Him from the very beginning. We challenge you to make the same decision. Put God first in your marriage, and everything else will fall into place. It may not be perfect, but it will be much easier and more fun with God on your side. I pray that the posts that follow and that I have written about marriage will encourage you in this next step toward your marriage. In this next season, have fun preparing for marriage!

Photo by Daniel McCullough on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Be a Team Player

You may be wondering how Lenny feels about me writing about our marriage. Do you really think that I’m venting about my husband without his permission?

On this blog, I really don’t talk about deep issues in our marriage. I don’t believe an online platform is the place to do that. As a matter of fact, I don’t believe I should be complaining to my husband or my marriage about anyone. For those who like to vent about their significant others to your parents or your siblings or your best friend or even his parents (seriously?), read this clearly: STOP! Fighting in marriage should be like sex in marriage. Everyone knows you do it, but no one is involved in the details. When I share something about Lenny, I always ask his permission first, or I use an insignificant detail, like him leaving his socks on the floor (which he never does!).

You know why? Because we’re a team.

When we first got engaged, we spent a LOT of time preparing for marriage. We joined a Bible study for newlywed and engaged couples. We went through eight sessions of premarital counseling. We read whatever we could. And we prayed. A lot.

By doing this, we not only learned the value of teamwork, but we learned how to be a team. Now, in everything I do, from how I spend my money to how I conduct myself on Facebook, I have my husband in mind. I know he does the same for me.

While reflecting on what makes a good team, here are some attributes I’ve considered. I pray that you also think about making your marriage into a team effort, and that you and your spouse can both be team players.

Collaboration. In a team, each player has different strengths to contribute to the overall well-being of the group. We’ve discovered recently that we have different strengths and weaknesses, as well as different priorities. Not that we don’t care about each other, but that we are so focused on other things that we don’t think about everything. In our fight for control, we’ve learned how to let it go and let our spouse take control in the areas that matter to them. We’ve also learned not to compete in the midst of our different strengths and weaknesses. Instead of working against each other, we work with each other in order to achieve our goals together.

Respect. In a team, each player shares equal value. While my priorities may be different from Lenny’s, I respect his opinion and his feelings, as he does for me. I show respect to Lenny by listening to him, making eye contact with him when he wants my attention, and using an encouraging tone while speaking to him. He doesn’t want me to be his parent, so I shouldn’t talk to him like I’m above him.

Communication (and Prayer). I’ve always believed that communication is key in any relationship. Prayer is communication with God, and constant communication with our Heavenly Father is vital for us to have healthy relationships. Lenny and I pray on a daily basis and seek God’s will for our lives. We also talk consistently about our goals for the future and about our progress toward those goals. We discuss when incidences happen and how to avoid conflicts in the future. But even questions such as, “The dishwasher’s dirty. Can you put that dish in the dishwasher?” or “Next time you go to the store, can you pick up some more chicken?” are vital toward our marriage team. How is Lenny supposed to know I want that dish in the dishwasher if I don’t tell him? How am I supposed to know Lenny’s hungry for chicken if he doesn’t tell me? We’re not in the business of reading each other’s minds. We have to remain in constant communication, so that we can know what we’re thinking and make a game plan for the future.

Celebration. My favorite part of being on this marriage team is celebrating when we’ve done something right. We celebrate everything, from keeping our cool in front of difficult people to paying off debt. Life is so much more fun when we look back and see how far we’ve come, and how much God has done in our lives.

If you want to turn your marriage into a team effort, go for it. There is nothing stopping you from beginning this journey now. All it takes is a humble attitude, respect, communication, and celebration. Practice at least one of these attributes today, and let me know how it goes!

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Categories
Books

Onward

I met Alicia Yost through a mutual friend from ReNEW (Retreat for New England Writers and Speakers). When Alicia came to ReNEW this year, we connected right away. I enjoyed hearing her stories and her heart behind her writing. As I learned during that weekend, people don’t care about what your book is about; they care about your heart.

Based on that alone, I believe Alicia’s new book is a must-read for all, since she is such a joy to know! The full title of her book is Onward: A Funny, Heartbreaking and Insightful Collection of Faith Lessons. The book definitely goes along with the title. In the introduction, she explains the meaning behind the title of her book. I love the analogies and word pictures that Alicia uses, especially the dinner party in chapter 1 and God molding us like clay through prayer in chapter 3. She’s honest, real, and vulnerable, and there are good transitions. Her stories are emotionally compelling. Plus, she’s not kidding; some of them are funny!

It reminded me of Blue Like Jazz or Love Does, where the stories sort of tie together but they don’t follow a linear pattern. But I believe that’s Alicia’s point. Life isn’t meant to be a straight path that we all follow, but a journey full of twists and turns. We don’t all go through the same life experiences, even if we are Christian. Our only starting point is that God saved us, and we came to know Christ. With that being said, Alicia starts with her testimony in the first chapter, and everything beyond that is in no particular order. I believe a passage from the final paragraph summarizes it perfectly: “Life isn’t really about getting anywhere; it’s about going somewhere. Life is about motion. We must keep moving. And while we are on our journey, perhaps we see someone walking along the same road and we wave” (96).

Although I haven’t shared the same life experiences as her, I feel like I’m right there with her, reading the letter about her sponsor child or getting frustrated when her husband doesn’t bring her home flowers. She struggles with faith, wrestles with temptation, and submits to God’s will even when it doesn’t make sense. Doesn’t that sound like the rest of us? She says the words that none of us are comfortable saying out loud, but we all feel. As she writes, we’re new creations, not improved creations, so we have to let God do the work in our lives (chapter six).

Quote for chapter 1: “It was like my whole life, God and I had been at a dinner party and I was nervous to meet Him so I mingled with other people and gave Him uneasy side glances. Then I ran to the bathroom to hide and after emerging found everyone gone. It was just me and God, and I couldn’t avoid Him any longer. He smiled and looked deep into my eyes. I felt fully seen and expected to feel the weight of my shame, to see Him furrow His brow in disappointment. But instead, I felt fully loved” (8).

One of my favorite stories is the story about her son. “It was then I realized that this joy would not have been possible without the struggles. It was the struggles themselves that magnified the joy in ways that “normalcy” never could.” (chapter four). This book came at an opportune time for me for me to check my heart about how I feel about the church, how I feel about waiting, and how I feel about serving.

Alicia writes with emotionally-compelling words and analogies. Serving is messy. Parenting is messy. Marriage is messy. But each time, Alicia talks about the mess, but then brings glory to God through it. Her chapters each end with the phrase “Onward I go,” as a reminder that we may not know where we’re going, but we know that God is calling us to move forward. Put one foot in front of the other and keep going. You’ll get where you need to go eventually.

This book is perfect for women who are struggling in their faith, just like the rest of us. Alicia does talk about being a wife and raising kids, but even if you’re not married or don’t have kids, you can relate to being a daughter or having a step parent or even simply understanding how to be a Christian. You can purchase this book on Amazon today.

Photo taken from Amazon website.