Tag: Marriage

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Marriage

Pride: The Killer of Marriage

Pride is common, and is actually encouraged, in today’s society. Although the word “pride” has developed a connotation of its own, the pride that the Bible warns against involves making yourself look better than you actually are. Strong’s Greek Concordance translates the word for pride in 1 Corinthians 13:4 (physioutai) as “puffed up.” The phrase invokes the imagery of a balloon being inflated. On the outside, the balloon increases in size, pomp, and importance, but the inside is filled with nothing.

In marriage, pride can cause fights, arguments, and disagreement. Using the idea of pride that the Bible describes, spouses attempts to puff themselves up in competition against one another to prove why they are right. Since they are so busy pointing out their spouse’s big heads, they never see their own. Pride can never bring a couple together; it can only tear them further apart. That’s why pride is described as the marriage-killer.

This popular scenario that takes place in a marriage demonstrates how easy it is for pride to creep into your relationship. We all know that men do not listen. When women want to vent, men want to fix it. Men and women violently attack each other to prove that their side is the right side. They even call their friends together of the same gender and have an all-out battle of the sexes to defend their opinions. That in and of itself is pride, but there’s an even deeper root of pride that exists in this case.

Men have this innate desire to fix everything. Generally speaking, they have this tendency to think that they have the solution to every problem, and that if only women could see things like they do, the world would be a better place. When women are caught up in their feelings, men have to rescue them from their distorted thinking and help them see the right way (his way, of course!). Bad day at work? Husband knows how to fix it! Problems with your sister? Husband knows what to say! In every situation, the wife may say “It’s not as easy as you think,” but the husband will believe, “Of course it’s that easy! It works for me every time!”

On the other side, women have this innate desire to express their feelings. Generally speaking, they see their husbands after a long day of separation and feel the need to dump everything on them. It doesn’t matter if their husbands are tired, hungry, or need to poop. If the wife wants to talk, the husband needs to listen. Then, when the husband reacts according to his fatigue/hunger/needing to poop (AKA, says something stupid in response to this outpouring of the wife’s heart), the woman gets upset. “You didn’t talk to me like I deserve,” the wife might say. “Why can’t you talk to me like that hot guy talks to his wife in that sappy romantic movie I always make you watch?”

In Matthew 7, Jesus illustrates what pride looks like through the imagery of a piece of wood: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye” (Matt. 7:3-5).

Like the person who Jesus describes in this parable, we tend to look at everyone else’s faults before dealing with our own. Wives, before you judge your husband for leaving his clothes on the floor, ask yourselves, “Do I put everything back in its place when I’m finished with it?” As you look around, you may find your make-up, books, or other items strewn around the house. Make sure you are clean before you criticize your husband for being dirty.

When we got married, my pastor gave my husband a wise bit of marriage advice: “These two phrases will save your marriage – ‘It’s my fault,’ and ‘I’m sorry.'” He specifically told that to my husband, but I’ve learned that I have to say it to my husband as well. When was the last time you took responsibility in your marriage? How often do you believe that it’s your spouse’s fault when something goes wrong? Make an effort to use these phrases more often. Ask God to help you see where you need work. If you cannot look past your own pride and only see the work your spouse needs, pray for your spouse. I know that, over time, God will open your eyes to see where you need work too!

Photo by Adam King on Unsplash

This article lists 10 ways that pride manifests in marriage. If you feel led, prayerfully read through this list and consider if these attributes are present in your marriage. Again, before you go complaining that your spouse is guilty of all these qualities, look in your own heart and pray about how you can change, too.

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Marriage

Boasting in Marriage

It feels like overnight (or maybe I just noticed it), we have developed this thought that everyone wants to know everything about our lives. Instagram is filled with pictures of people at graduation parties, smoothie recipes that we need to try, new houses, couples, or children. Not that any of these things are wrong, but sometimes I wonder: why are we sharing these pictures on social media?

We believe what’s important to “me” must be important to everyone.

God has been tearing down my pride in my marriage by shutting me up. In the beginning of our relationship, we agreed about everything. We always communicated and understood what we had to say. Now all of a sudden, we’re having communication problems and we have discussions, not unanimous decisions. I’m sure I have a part to play in this, but I’m convinced that it’s because my husband is voicing his opinion more, and I’m actually listening (*insert mindblown explosion noise here*). I tell my husband that he needs to talk more, but maybe I need to stop talking more and start listening more.

Marriage is all about surrender: surrender first to Christ, and then to one another. Love does not boast, because boasting breaks this pattern of surrender. When I boast, I inadvertently elevate myself above my spouse. In the middle of an argument, boasting looks like fighting for why I am right and my husband is wrong. While making decisions, boasting looks like advocating for my perspective and ignoring my husband’s. When we have guests over and they admire our decorations or the cooking, boasting looks like taking all the credit and talking endlessly about my homemaking skills, giving no notice to my husband’s input.

A husband and wife are meant to be a team, not competitors. In Romans 12, Paul talks about how to be a living sacrifice for Christ, how to worship Him with our lives. Several translations of verse 10 of that chapter indicate that we should “outdo one another in showing honor.” If you are going to boast or compete about anything, it should be, I love and serve my spouse better than he/she serves me! What a great goal to have, because it keeps your eyes constantly off yourself and on your spouse. All the while, you’re doing this to honor Christ.

I believe that the antidote for boasting is two-fold: thinking less of yourself and thinking more of others. First and foremost, we should elevate Christ in our lives and in our marriages. As a married couple, one great way for you to elevate Christ in your marriage is to talk and think highly of your spouse. In the middle of an argument, take time to pray (literally kneel in the middle of arguing if you have to!), and seek to listen to your spouse’s point of view. While making decisions, make sure that both you and your spouse have had a chance to voice your opinions before signing on the dotted line. When you have guests over, give glory to God that He brought you together, and talk about all the work your spouse did to make your house what it is. Even if you did everything but your spouse put mounting tape on the wall so you can hang up one picture, find something nice to say about that picture!

Ultimately, our boast should be in the Lord.

“This is what the Lord says:

‘Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
    or the strong boast of their strength
    or the rich boast of their riches,
but let the one who boasts boast about this:
    that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
    justice and righteousness on earth,
    for in these I delight,’
declares the Lord.”

-Jeremiah 9:23-24

 

The cool thing is that when we humble ourselves, God exalts us (see James 4:6). Like the image above, the flower is held up by a hand, and someone is taking a picture of it. The flower is beautiful, but it doesn’t have to scream, “Look how beautiful I am! Notice me! Love me!” The person taking a picture saw the beauty of this flower and held it in a way that naturally elevated it. God does the same with us. Instead of trying to convince everyone that we are beautiful or smart or really good at something, let us stop talking for just one second and let God has to say about us. And hey, you never know; maybe your spouse has something nice to say too!

Photo by Chikeun Park on Unsplash

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Marriage

Kindness in Marriage

While writing this series, I tried to think of which characteristic describes my husband the best. Out of all the attributes of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13, my husband is mostly kind. He has a sweet demeanor about him, and everything he does for me exudes love. He wakes me up every morning with a kiss. He makes me lunch and thanks me for cleaning the house. Before leaving for work, he always gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me. If there’s an accident on the way to work, he lets me know where there’s heavy traffic and which roads to avoid. Throughout the day, he’ll text me just to tell me he’s thinking of me. When he comes home, we’ll eat dinner together, pray for each other, and kiss each other goodnight. There is no doubt that my husband loves me. These may seem like little things to some people, but that’s what kindness is: finding ways to actively display your love.

Based on a combination of definitions from dictionary.com, kindness flows from a desire to do good to others. Kindness is an action. While patience invokes an image of sitting quietly, waiting for a wish to be fulfilled, kindness stirs up the image of holding the door open for someone or presenting a gift. Even a smile, the act of contorting one’s face to a pleasing and attractive expression, involves an action. Kindness is not meant to sit still, but to move. Kindness is not meant to be kept within, but to be shown.

As the wonderful band dc Talk taught us back in the 90’s, “luv is a verb.” The way love is displayed is through kindness. You cannot be kind without love, and you cannot show love without kindness. We all know how to show kindness, but it’s not always easy. After a long day of work, you may be short tempered. Instead of showing love to your spouse, you are unkind. You snap, you insult, you make a rude comment, or you explode. By being unkind, you are withholding love from your spouse.

With that in mind, when you are interacting with your spouse, consider how you can best show love to him/her. Go out of your way to make dinner, give him a kiss, or bring home a special surprise. If you are like me and your fatigue makes you grumpy, be honest with your spouse. “Hey, sweetie, I had a long day at work. I’m sorry if I’m not myself tonight. I love you and appreciate you!”

You don’t have to spend a lot of time, money, or energy to show kindness to your spouse. While I’m sure they would appreciate a surprise vacation, a massage, or a fancy dinner, your spouse will also appreciate a home-cooked meal, a hand-written love note, or a simple compliment. I even consider it kindness when my husband listens to me vent without interrupting. I show kindness to him by speaking highly of him in front of others and writing him notes (as a writer, what better way to show my affection to my husband than to do what I love?).

The Bible says that God is love. God is the only one who can be infinitely and perfectly kind (see Titus 3:4-6). When we want to argue with or act selfish toward our spouses, we can rely on God to give us the grace we need to be kind. When we’re tired and don’t have an ounce of energy to do for our spouses, we can rely on God to fill us with love for our spouses and empower us to show kindness to them. May our desire for love ultimately lead us to the Savior, who loves us with an everlasting love.

Photo by Diego PH on Unsplash

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Marriage

Patience in Marriage

Hey everyone! I’m back. My book is edited, and I’m now in the process of researching for my book so that I can submit it to a publisher with knowledge of the market under my belt. You thought that writing a book was simply putting words on a page and selling it, but there is so much more than that. Praise God that He has taken a newbie like me and has used me for His glory!

For now, God has called me to write, and that’s why I’m here. I am going to be creating an author website, submitting my book to multiple publishers, and doing tons of praying in the coming weeks, but for now I am going to bring a blog post to you (as promised) on 1 Corinthians 13 displayed in a marriage.

Today is my husband’s birthday. I’m so proud of who he has become and who God is calling him to be. When I met him, he was at the ripe young age of 21, two years shy of graduating college. As God was leading us to a dating relationship, He gave me hope that we would grow together. That young man that was about to be my boyfriend was going to go through many changes in his life, and I was about to have a front-row seat into those experiences. In the three years we’ve known each other, he has changed jobs twice, his faith has strengthened, and his boldness and self-confidence has drastically improved.

Love is patient. When we hear the word “patience,” we automatically think of waiting. It’s hard to believe that there’s waiting after the “happily ever after.” However, marriage consists of waiting, both for your spouse and with your spouse.

Just as I watched my husband grow, my husband has also been so patient with me. I am easily angered (especially after 10:00PM) and my poor husband has had to suffer the brunt of a lot of my outrages. He also lets me vent when I have a bad day and he listens to my stories even while he’s struggling to stay awake. My husband is patient with me. He waits for me to grow and to learn and to apologize. I do the same for him. We also seek to be patient with each other’s quirks, friends and family members, and schedules.

My husband and I are patient with each other right before bed. I covet my sleep; if I don’t get enough sleep, I get short-tempered and depressed. My husband can fall asleep once his head hits the pillow. When we go to bed, we both have different patterns; while I need quiet and darkness to go to sleep, my husband likes to watch videos and read articles on his phone to unwind. In the beginning of our marriage, this used to be a source of conflict for us. But as we’ve learned that we’re two different people, we’ve learned to compromise. My husband makes sure we say our prayers before he goes on his phone so I’m not waiting for him, and I make sure to face the other way and cover my eyes if needed.

I’ve written before about how sometimes we want to change or control our spouses. Maybe your spouse doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you on everything. Maybe your spouse has a short-temper or comes home too late from work. Keep praying for him/her, and ask God to give you patience. God will give you a front row seat into the work that He will do in your spouse’s life.

In marriage, a couple also needs to wait together. You may be waiting to have children. You may be waiting for financial freedom, to finally declare that you are debt free. You may be saving up your pennies to own a house one day. You may be waiting for your children to find their way in the world. Love involves patience, not just with your spouse, but with the people and circumstances that surround you and your spouse.

The Bible says that God is love. God is the only one who can be infinitely and perfectly patient (1 Timothy 1:16). When we want to scream and talk down to our spouses, we can rely on God to give us the strength we need to be patient. When we’re waiting for a season to end, or for a new season to begin, we can rely on God to lead our paths and bring us closer to our spouses through the waiting. May our desire for love ultimately lead us to the Savior, who loves us with an everlasting love.

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

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Marriage

1 Corinthians 13: Living Up to the Vows

“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.”
– 1 Corinthians 13:1-3, NIV

Last week, my pastor shared a sermon on love. He referred to the chapter I shared above, the chapter that is recited at weddings but that people don’t think about on a daily basis in their marriage. When I realized that, it broke my heart, especially because my friend recited this passage at our wedding. During that sermon, I did a serious heart check. Do I love my husband in the way that Paul writes about in 1 Corinthians 13? Does our marriage reflect the love that God wants us to display in marriage?

Although it is a cute poetic passage to read at weddings, what does it actually mean to live out the words that are written within 1 Corinthians 13?

The first three verses give us a clue into where our hearts should be. We can do all the right things, but if they are not done in love, we have wasted our time. In marriage, this looks to me like sacrifice of self. I’m giving my spouse everything I own because I want him to have it, not because I want to look good. I’m encouraging my spouse because I want him to succeed, not because I want to show off my word skills. I’m praying for my spouse and putting God first in our marriage because God is worthy, not because I think God is a genie that will grant all my wishes if I just say a few prayers.

Paul was writing this letter to a church that had glorified lust and greed instead of love and sacrifice. This letter was more than just about marriage and lovey-dovey feelings; it was about creating a new culture that elevated God more than the fleshy nature of human beings. In our marriages, we should seek to elevate God above our selfishness, our pride, and our stubbornness. We do that by putting our spouses first (before ourselves), doing a daily heart check, and surrendering those icky parts of us that cause us to put love on the back burner.

During the next few weeks, I will be sharing how the different adjectives given in 1 Corinthians 13 can be practically displayed in marriage. If you would like to contribute to the conversation, comment below (or on Facebook/Twitter/LinkedIn/Instagram) about how you, your spouse, or someone else you know has exemplified 1 Corinthians 13 in your/his/her marriage. Then pray this week about how you can best show love to your spouse and to those in your sphere of influence.

Photo by Marcus Lewis on Unsplash

*Update: I’ve been working on my book hardcore lately. They say that once you write your first book, the others just flow out of you. I’m waiting for that! Until then, I’ve been chiseling away at the free writing that I had done a few months ago, in order to create a masterpiece that will glorify God and inspire young adult women to find peace in the midst of their anxiety. So, I will be posting every other Monday and Wednesday, instead of every Monday and Wednesday, in order to make more time for my novel writing. This week I will post on Monday, and next week I will post on Wednesday. If you have an Instagram, feel free to follow me @elisabethmwarner, as I have been sharing how pursuing wellness has helped me control my anxiety.

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Marriage

What are You Fighting For?

Being married has been a source of healing from my past. Divorce, promiscuity, and affairs run rampant in our culture, but because of Jesus, we don’t have to live like that anymore. However, one of the silent killers of marriage, which we always have to guard against, is a little thing called gossip.

Call it what you may. Putting down your husband. Choosing sides and asking your relatives to do the same. Harboring bitterness. Venting. Seeking advice from people who delight in evil. Justifying your actions by bouncing your ideas off of someone else.

Or, my personal favorite, just joking around.

I’m convinced that while gossip does not cause divorce, it definitely doesn’t help a marriage stay together. One piece of advice I’ve heard from a lot of people is not to share your problems with your parents. Your parents will always be on your side, not your marriage’s side, so you will always win when you ask them to nurse your wound. But the point of marriage is not to win; the point of marriage is to stay married until death do us part.

Right before I got married, my mom told it to me straight: “If you ever get so mad at your husband that you don’t want to go home, don’t come here. We’ll just send you back home to your husband so you can be reconciled.” Her advice not only showed her support of my marriage, but it also put the responsibility on me and not on her to fix my marriage.

Of course, during the honeymoon stage I didn’t think I could ever be so mad at my husband that I would want to spend time apart from him. However, through the stresses of life and the arguments that make my blood boil, it has been tempting to pick up the phone and call my mom. Just to vent. Just to justify if I’m right. Just to bounce my ideas off of someone who cares. But I can’t sugarcoat it. Gossip is gossip, and I should never put down my husband when I’m talking about him to others.

This message is for two people. First, to spouses: do not develop the habit of going to your parents or other family members to bail you out of your marital problems. If they want to offer you advice, that’s wonderful! Definitely take it, especially if they have a healthy marriage that you want to exemplify in your own marriage. However, don’t go out of your way to put down your husband so that you could prove you’re right, because when you do that, you both lose

Second, family members, parents, or close friends: Do not stick your nose in your loved ones’ marriage. If you want to give advice, it is the responsibility of the receiver to put that advice into practice. Don’t force them to conform to your way. If they come to you for advice and end up putting their spouse down, try to say things to encourage your family member to love his or her spouse again. I don’t care if it’s your son or daughter, your sister or brother, your niece or nephew, your cousin, or a close friend; if you attended their wedding, you made a promise to help them when they are struggling.

I know from experience that it hurts to see a family member fighting with his or her spouse or significant other. I personally want to stick up for my own flesh and blood. However, if the couple is married, that means they made a promise to God to honor one another and to maintain their union to one another in Christ. Help them keep their commitment, instead of telling them to give up on their marriage.

Photo by John Pearson on Unsplash

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Marriage

Baby Steps

We have no news. And that’s okay
My life doesn’t always have to be on display
I don’t always have interesting things to say
But I love my life; nothing I would change

I’ve said this many times before, but being a millennial newlywed couple is hard. Social media makes it nearly impossible to enjoy your own marriage. And when you finally have good news to post, people get excited for a few minutes and then move on to the next best thing.

Did you ever notice how excited people get when a baby takes even one step? The baby is never a professional walker at first, but each step is exciting and new. Even when the baby falls, we encourage him to get up and try again. It’s amazing how, as the baby gets older and becomes an adult, we forget the excitement of each step that follows after our first.

The motto of my life is to find contentment in the now. I’ve lived much of my life waiting for the next thing. I’ll be happy when I graduate high school. I’ll be happy when I leave the country. I’ll be happy when I get through this semester. I’ll be happy after going on the mission trip. I’ll be happy when I graduate college. I’ll be happy when I get a job.

But I’ve had all of those things, and the things I wait for never satisfy me. They only steal my joy of what is right in front of me.

Let me tell you about what is going on right in front of me. My husband and I have been cooking together. We have been slowly unpacking our stuff from our apartment. We are advancing in our careers. We’re making decisions to eat healthier and be more active. And we are still very much in love.

We’re taking baby steps; each step is small, but it is forward.

Ultimately, our contentment is found in God. As I shared last week, when we put God at the center of our lives, He helps us. God has helped me find joy in life. If I don’t have joy, what is the purpose for what I am doing? Placing my hope in God has allowed me to give the little things in my life permission to be what they were made to be. When things don’t go my way, I’m not shaken. But when things go great, it’s just icing on the cake.

If you are waiting for the next big thing to happen in your life, I encourage you to praise God for the baby steps that you’ve taken so far. What are five things you are thankful for right now? What are three things about this season that are unique to any other season you’ve undergone? What victories has God allowed you to experience this past week?

Let’s all celebrate together as we take little steps on this walk of life!

Photo by Marc A. Sporys on Unsplash

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Marriage

Seasons Repeat

I cannot believe it is already Spring tomorrow!  It felt like it was just Christmas. Spring is my favorite season, since I was born in Spring, and I absolutely hate the cold. During this time, I am intentional about the time I spend outside and the enjoyment of the warmth, because I know that winter will be back again in a few months.

You have been with me during my first year of marriage and beyond as I’ve learned to be a good wife to my husband and to honor God in doing so. Since God has allowed me to gain so much insight and wisdom early on in my marriage, it is tempting for me to say that I’m an expert in marriage (if you laughed out loud, I know you thought that about yourself too!). But as I’m beginning to see, just as Christmas comes every year, marriage consists of unique seasons that cycle between a husband and wife multiple times throughout their lives.

Thanks be to God, newlyweds and seasoned couples alike have benefited from my blog posts.  These couples go through similar seasons and need similar advice. While newlyweds may be learning how to communicate and how to become one for the first time, seasoned couples need refreshers on the basic things they’ve learned through multiple counseling sessions, marriage retreats, and days of living together.

We’ve only been married for one year, four months, and two weeks (but who’s counting?), but we can already see that we need refreshers. Even though we’ve acquired so many tools for our marriage, we have to juggle these tools in the real world. Between having jobs, seeing family, and completing household chores, it is easy for these tools to get lost in the sauce. That’s why we have to intentionally make time for our marriage and continue to build on the foundation we formed in the beginning.

In each season, there are aspects of our marriage that are great and aspects that are not so great. In our current season, we have found it easier to communicate and open up to each other, but we haven’t been spending as much consistent time together as we used to when we were in our first months of marriage. Seasoned couples still need to make time for their spouses. “Expert” couples still need to practice their spouses’ love languages. Couples in each season of their lives still need to know how to have healthy conflict and how to check in with each other. It is helpful to do an evaluation every week or so to see what is working for your marriage and where you need improvement.

There are difficult seasons and there are smooth seasons; there are busy seasons and there are boring seasons. However, don’t fall into the trap of thinking that you have overcome a step in your marriage, for there is always room for improvement.

Photo by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash

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Marriage

Marriage on Autopilot

My husband and I have some exciting news.  We just moved into our new apartment!  We are so incredibly blessed and we are so thankful for all the help that we received from our friends and family with the move.  We ultimately thank God for providing this place for us after we looked for weeks to find the right living situation.

Before we moved, we had a lot of packing to do.  The packing involved decluttering, mustering up some boxes, organizing our stuff in designated boxes, filling up the U-Haul with all our stuff, taking the stuff out of the car and bringing it into our new apartment, and eating pizza with our friends after we (edit: they) finished all the heavy lifting.  We still have to unpack and clean a bit, but are taking it one box at a time.

After working really hard the past few weeks, move-in day was an absolute breeze.  All the hard work that we had put into the packing process helped us to have a better handle on what is normally a crazy day.  It was like we were on auto-pilot.  I realize when I am stressed, I sort of turn off my emotions and just go.  It makes it easier to focus on what I’m doing instead of how I’m feeling at the moment.  Then, after we get through everything, no matter if I’m happy, sad, angry, or whatever, I start hysterically crying (be prepared for a blog post when that day comes!).

I feel like marriage can be like that sometimes.  I know I’ve talked about how you have to make time to connect with your spouse and there are times when you have to remember why you fell in love.  But after moving, I have been thinking about how some moments just require you to move without thinking, to just get the work done.  You just need to get the boxes inside your new home.  You just need to get to your destination when you’re on vacation.  You just need to get your kids to school in the morning.  You want to be intentional in those moments, but with the nature of how quickly things need to get done, you are sort of in go-mode.

We should not be like this most of the time.  While there are families that move often, most people are not moving out of their house every day.  While people are busy and schedules are packed, our spouse should not come second to these experiences.  These experiences where we are on auto-pilot should be the exception, not the routine.

During our routine, we should be pouring into our marriage, so that when we are on auto-pilot, our love and respect for each other should be ingrained into everything we do.  Create healthy habits every day so that when the stress comes and you find yourself slipping away from your emotions, you can still fall back on those habits. These habits include praying daily for your spouse, controlling your anger, speaking clearly, being thankful for one another, and being quick to forgive.  During those stressful times, these habits will be like a breath of fresh air to your situation.

When we are stressed, the last thing we want to do is be nice to anyone.  As the most impatient person I know, I can be very short-tempered when I have multiple items on my to-do list.  Unfortunately, I don’t practice those habits that I shared when I’m feeling stressed, except praying a quick “God, I need you.”  That’s why I try to keep my stress to a minimum.  The people I love do not deserve to be disrespected, misunderstood, and taken for granted.  I need to practice love, patience, and self-control in every situation, and I can cultivate those fruits in both the calm times and the storms of life.

While we want to constantly have lovey-dovey feelings for our spouses, the reality is that life gets in the way sometimes.  Instead of acting like storms and busyness will never happen, we need to prepare ourselves for when they do.  Make time to connect and relax most of the time, and when you anticipate life is about to get stressful, create a plan that will help to minimize stress.  Ultimately, trust God to prepare you for what is to come.

Photo by Mitchel Boot on Unsplash

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Marriage

Did You Marry Your Best Friend?

I had the idea to write this blog, but I had no idea that this topic was so controversial!  I wanted to talk about how much I enjoyed spending time with my husband, and how I consider him my best friend.  But after doing some research, I see that society is torn about whether or not your husband is your best friend.

I’m starting to realize now a year into my marriage that I don’t know everything there is to know about marriage.  I feel like the teenager that knew everything but then realized that life is not what she thought!  So, although what I have been sharing with you all is valid, there is still much I need to learn, and much that I need to learn more before I can say I’ve mastered that topic.

One of those things, apparently, is marrying your best friend.

Now, the question is not should you marry your best friend.  The question is not should your husband be your only friend (I’ve already addressed that question in this post).  The question I am posing here is: Do you enjoy hanging out with your spouse?

I’ve learned that a spouse fulfills many roles. A spouse is a business partner as you manage your finances together and give each other work advice.  A spouse is a house manager as you work together to clean, repair, and organize your living space.  A spouse is an accountability partner as you vent and he/she gives you feedback about your experiences.  A spouse is a parent as you work together to figure out how to raise your kids.

As we grow into adults and have to take on more responsibilities, we see that God intended for our spouses to truly help us live our lives.  Studies show that middle aged people experience a “dip in happiness” due to the stresses of life, but spouses can help cushion that dip with love and support.  However, my warning is to not let your spouse just be your “responsibility sharer.”  What fun would you have if you only talked about paying the bills, Johnny’s trip to the principal’s office, and what to do about the crack in the ceiling?

Before I met my husband, I knew subconsciously that I wanted a man who would be all of these things for me.  Even in my teenage years, I was praying for God to bring me a man like this.  But when I actually met my husband, these things were not on my mind.  These were the actual questions running through my head: Can I talk to him without thinking too hard about what to say?  Does he make me laugh?  Do we enjoy doing similar things?  And, of course, we had great conversations, we laughed together, and we found things to do together that we both enjoyed.

Over time, after getting to know him better, I learned that he would be a great financial adviser; he is good with money and he works hard at whatever he does.  I learned that he would be a great house manager; he looks at our living situation in a way that I don’t and he helps strategize how to best take care of it.  I learned that he would be a great accountability partner; we both follow the word of God, and he is able to tell me the truth in love.  I learned that one day, he would make a great dad; I see how he interacts with children and I know that he will be a great role model for our boys and a gentle protector of our girls.

Don’t forget to enjoy your spouse in the midst of the day-to-day responsibilities.  Go on a journey with your spouse.  Schedule time for just the two of you to have fun and relax.  And remember why you fell in love in the first place.  Marital love is not a business transaction; it is a plant that needs to be cultivated and nurtured in order for it to grow strong and produce fruit in your life.

Photo by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash