Categories
Marriage

Just Listen

Did you ever have those moments with your spouse where you say something and get no response, so you assume he/she understood?  Then your spouse accuses you of never telling you that information, when you clearly remember communicating it to him/her.  Welcome to distracted listening, a problem that I’ve become more aware of, not just in my marriage, but in my other relationships as well.

If we gave our spouses our full attention, they would not have to repeat themselves and there would not be confusion about what was discussed.  But often because of the distractions of this world, it is hard to do that.  It is hard to sit and let your spouse express their feelings.  If you come from a home where your parents nagged you a lot, the sound of others expressing their feelings might sound like the adults from the Peanuts.  So it takes discipline and time to figure out how to connect on this level with your spouse.

Here are some ways that you can practice intentional listening in your relationships:

  • Cut out all distractions. When your spouse is talking to you, make it a point to stop what you’re doing.  Put away your cell phone.  Turn off the television.  Shut down your computer.  Stop cleaning.  Even cutting out those little distractions will help you focus on your spouse, but it will also show your spouse that he/she matters.
  • Make eye contact. This goes along with cutting out distractions.  I really like when my husband looks at me while I’m talking.  It shows that he is actively listening to me, that he is engaged with what I am saying.  Just look at your spouse.  She’s pretty, he’s handsome, something attracted you to that person.  Now’s your chance to look at him/her again!
  • Repeat back what the person was saying. You may cut out all distractions.  You may make eye contact.  But you can still let the words your spouse is saying go in one ear and out the other.  If your spouse says something, reply with, “I hear you saying…” and repeat back what you heard.  Because of how you view the world, you may also interpret what your spouse is saying as a completely different message, so it’s important to voice what you got out of the conversation as well.  A message to the talking spouse: make sure you don’t do all the talking.  Leave space for your spouse to ask questions and to communicate his/her own opinion.
  • Communicate your shortcomings. In this world, it is hard to stay focused when we talk to people.  I’ll admit that I fall short of that all the time.  If your spouse wants to talk and you are just not in the mood, be honest.  “Hey honey, I really want to listen to you today, but I had a rough day at work.  Can we continue this conversation later?”  “Hey, I hear what you’re saying, but because of my past, it sounds like you’re condemning me.”  You can’t be 100% focused 100% of the time, but you can be honest and share when you’re not at your best time to talk.

You may want to get to know your spouse better, but he/she doesn’t talk very much.  Those are when you really need to pay attention.  My husband isn’t much of a talker, but when he talks, his words are a treasure to me.  His words display his heart about his job, his family, and himself.  I pay attention, not just to what he is saying, but how he is saying it.  Doing so helps me to see him more clearly and to love him for who he really is.

Ultimately, listening to your spouse is a reflection of how God wants us to listen to Him.  We complain that God does not speak to us, but it could be that we’re not really listening to Him.  God calls us to cut out all distractions and follow Him, to fix our eyes on Jesus during our walk with Him (Hebrews 12:2).  When you are finished reading the Bible passage for the day, it is helpful to pray in response to the promises that God gives in His Scriptures.  He speaks to us clearly through His word, and when we are still and let Him speak to us, He has such wonderful things to say.

“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry…”

James 1:19

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Categories
anxiety

Plan to Live, or Live to Plan?

My one and only Christmas present that I asked for this year, without anyone asking me leading questions, was a day-by-day journal planner.  I really want to get more into my writing this year, and having one of these planners will help me prioritize and lay out what exactly needs to get done.

Several weeks after Christmas, I’m still obsessing over this cute, purple planner!  I have different colored pens that I use to write my tasks in order of urgency.  Each month is also represented by a uniquely colored page.  Also, after watching my friend Christa’s workshop on time management, I’m ready to boss my time around in 2018!

But quickly after beginning to organize my planner, I felt a deep sense of emptiness.  Where was my family in this multi-colored book?  Where was my time with my husband?  Where were the fun outings and the vacations and the free time?  Time management is a beautiful thing, but it cannot replace what I have prioritized and what gives me life.

The point of life is not to plan.  The point of life is to enjoy.  The wisest man who ever lived, Solomon, concluded in Ecclesiastes that life’s purpose is to enjoy life and to obey God’s commandments.  After seeing the meaninglessness of everything else in the world, that was what Solomon concluded had the most meaning in life: joy and obedience.

“Now all has been heard;
    here is the conclusion of the matter:
Fear God and keep his commandments,
    for this is the duty of all mankind.
For God will bring every deed into judgment,
    including every hidden thing,
    whether it is good or evil.”

-Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

We plan so that we can enjoy life.  We save up money so we can go on vacation.  We get fancy planners so we can make time to do the things we love.

Do not fall in love with the plan.

Do not fall in love with saving money.

Do not fall in love with the fancy planners!

I plan so that I can make time for my family and husband.  I plan so that I can be prepared and not be anxious when unexpected events come my way.  I plan so that I can feel like I’m in control.  For those who struggle with anxiety, we all know how scary it can feel to not be in control.  Planning helps me feel like I have some grasp on my life, at least with the free time I have.

If you have anxiety, it’s okay to plan.  But don’t let the planning distract you from the tasks that you enjoy.  Plan time to relax.  Plan a budget that causes you to save for activities you love.  Dream and be optimistic instead of expecting the worst to happen in the future.  Do all of these things, but realize that ultimately, our lives are in God’s hands.

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.” As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil.  If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.

-James 4:13-17, NIV

Fall in love with life, because that is what gives our plans meaning.  At the end of the day, if our plans fail, we still have each other.  We still have hope.  When you live your life, don’t focus on the plan.  Focus on enjoying life and obeying God’s commandments.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

-John 10:10

Photo by Estée Janssens on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Your Spouse’s Spiritual Journey

I have to make a confession that I cringe every time I hear the term “unequally yoked.”  The Bible is clear against marrying unbelievers.  However, we have also swung to the other side of the pendulum, where people expect their potential partners to know the Bible inside and out and to actually be flawless.  Women want men who are going to be the spiritual leaders of the household, and what that actually means is that they want their men to be responsible for the women’s relationships with God.  I’m here to share that my husband and I weren’t “equally yoked” in that sense of the word when we first started dating.

You see, when I first met my husband, he wasn’t what I would call “more spiritual” than I am.  He didn’t know the Bible as well as I did.  He didn’t even know his testimony!  Over time, I thought that I had made a mistake and was wondering what to do about the situation.

However, after spending more time with him, I realized that he had such great faith.  He served faithfully in the choir.  He made the decision himself to be baptized.  He prayed with me and helped me in ways that I couldn’t help myself grow closer to the Lord.  He served as a leader in the College Ministry.  Love exuded from his spirit as he served and interacted with others.  It was like he had the faith, but he didn’t have the resources to express his faith until recently.  Since I’ve been with my husband, I have watched him grow in ways that have just been beautiful and miraculous.  I’ve seen God answer our prayers together, as well as our prayers separately.

I would have never been involved in God’s miracles if I had believed that we were unequally yoked.

Instead of expecting your husband to be the spiritual leader, I first want to challenge you to think of what that really looks like.  What if you are equally yoked?  What if you expect your husband/future husband to read the Bible every day, and you haven’t touched yours in months?  Before playing the blame game, I want you to take the focus off of the other person and put it right back on yourself.  Just as it says in Luke 6:37, the judgment that you use to judge others will be used to judge you in the same measure.  Make sure that you are right with the Lord before you accuse your current or potential spouse of being spiritually weak.

Second, I want you to understand that spiritually mature looks different for everyone.  I mean, there are some people that you know are not quite right, and that’s because the Holy Spirit is telling you to stay away.  You must see evidence of the fruit that God has produced in their lives, especially through love.  My husband has always been incredibly generous, which demonstrates humility and kindness, and that’s how I see his spiritual maturity.  A spiritually mature person doesn’t have to be a pastor.  A spiritually mature person doesn’t have to lead worship every Sunday.  A spiritually mature person doesn’t even have to talk all that much.  We all have different spiritual gifts, and while some are amazing prayer warriors, and some are wonderful teachers, and some are songwriters for the Lord, there are some who have gifts that aren’t as noticeable.

For those who are married and are waiting for their spouses to spiritually “grow up,” I challenge you to look at your own heart.  Where are you lacking in your faith?  What are some ways where you can grow in your walk with the Lord?  Are you really spiritually mature?  Because if we’re honest, we are never fully matured.  We still have much to learn.  So learn to appreciate the growth that you see in your spouse, and use your faith to pray that he/she grows to be the person that God created him/her to be.

Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash

Categories
Books

A Reminder of my Call

My husband gave me the book Called to Create by Jordan Raynor as an anniversary gift.  I heard about the book through a YouVersion Bible plan that the Call to Create team had written about C. S. Lewis.  This four-day devotional inspired me to want to read more about Christian creatives who were using their gifts to honor God.

As you all know, that is my ultimate goal: to write books/short stories in order to encourage others and to bring glory to God, especially through offering help for those who suffer from anxiety.  Throughout the years, God has shaped my vision for becoming a writer and for using my writing abilities for his glory.  This book was honestly the climax of that realization of my vision.  It was truly a confirmation that God was calling me to create.

The book is clearly for those who feel they are called to create.  Who has called us?  God, the First Entrepreneur, the First Creator (notice how the beginning of time began with creation!), has entrusted to us the ability to create.  As an entrepreneur himself of several successful businesses, Raynor also includes that creation is not just for those who are in the arts but for those who are also business owners who create businesses.  Because that is his forte, he tends to focus on entrepreneurship as a form of creating.

I learned from this book that creating for the Kingdom of God requires risk.  Some people give up their successful jobs to create new jobs from scratch.  When they trusted God, not only were they successful, but they were also fulfilled.  I need to trust God with my creation as well, with my book and with my ultimate career as a writer.  People may say that it’s impossible, or even unwise, but it is what I believe God has called me to do.  It’s one of those things where I don’t have the full picture yet, but I know God does, and He is leading me one step at a time.

I anticipated the book to be ten chapters about ten people who were called to create and did wonderful things through their creations for the glory of God.  The book instead is actually more like a research paper, which is good in some ways because it is not just Jordan Raynor talking about how great his business is or all the knowledge he has.  However, it was borderline plagiarism at some points when he used large block quotes that were about the size of the whole page.  Nevertheless, I did enjoy hearing the stories of people such as Corrie Ten Boom’s father (who had a watch shop), Truett Cathy (founder of Chick-Fil-A), and of course, C. S. Lewis and the Inklings.

Raynor does an incredible job of weaving the stories in and really bringing his ideas together.  I have heard that “anyone can write a book” but as a woman who has spent three years trying to write a book, it is not that easy!  Especially for people who are actually business owners; their full-time job is not writer!

The main point of the book is to recognize that full-time ministry for God does not necessarily have to involve missions work or being a pastor.  You can serve God in the secular world as well, whether it is through starting your own business, being an obedient employee, or creating works of art.  When God called me to dedicate my life to Him, I thought that meant that I had to be a missionary.  While I do love cultures and I do want to travel all over the world, I believe that God can use me to serve Him all over the world simply through writing an inspirational book.  And as I’ve seen, God has used my writing to speak to people all over the world.  I believe He will continue to do so.

I am now more encouraged than ever to write my novel for God, in hopes that people who struggle with anxiety will find new hope and peace in the midst of their suffering.  Keep me in prayer as I have just begun editing my book and creating a sense of structure from my free writing jumble.

If you are called to create, or if you have questions about what that looks like, I would definitely recommend getting this book.  You can find out more information on this website.

Creatives, let’s change the world through our writing, art, photography, and businesses for God’s glory!

Categories
anxiety

STOP! What are You Doing?

One day in college, I was thinking about the day I had ahead.  I had a test in one class that I was extremely anxious about, work after the test, and then other classes throughout the day.  I came out of the shower with the jitters, my mind running a mile a minute.

STOP!

The voice was louder than all the sirens of obligation, worry, and anxiety blaring in my ear.

What are you doing?

I believe this voice was God.  Only He could give me peace, and only He could speak in a way that I could understand so clearly.

At the time, I was blow drying my hair.  I pulled at the tangled strands.

Your job is to focus on the next ten minutes, and that’s it. Do you have a test in ten minutes? No.  Do you have to eat in ten minutes?  No.  Do you have any classes in ten minutes?  No.  You have hair to dry.  Start drying.

It was very matter-of-fact, but it was clear, unlike the other voices I heard telling me I had to do something very quickly or else.  Whatever that meant.

So I decided to listen to the clear, peaceful, peace-giving voice that blurted out truth in my mind.

Those next ten minutes were the most peaceful ten minutes of my life.  I stroked my hair with the brush.  I listened to the whir of the blow dryer.  I hummed a tune knowing that no one else could hear me.  I was content for ten whole minutes, about the time it took for me to finish blow drying my hair.

Finally, I turned off the blow dryer.

Now what?  I thought.  I looked at the clock.  I still had to get my bag ready before I went to class.  I had to focus on the next ten minutes, nothing more.

I spent the rest of the day like that, and it was wonderful. The voices that were screaming in my head ended up shutting up by the time I made it to my test.  I spent the rest of the day in a discipline of rest.  Even though I was not resting (doing nothing) I was controlling my mind and telling myself to just focus on the next ten minutes.

A lot can change in ten minutes.

Now that I’m out of college and “adulting,” a lot of voices tend to get in the way of my enjoyment of what is right in front of me.  My followers know that I just came out of a busy season, and now I’m in a waiting period.  We’re waiting to start our careers, feeling discontentment about our jobs.  We’re waiting to buy a house, feeling discontentment from renting.  We’re waiting to have kids, honestly because we just don’t want kids right now.  We’re waiting for a sense of satisfaction, a sense of contentment, and because of that, we’re anxious.

When are we going to get new jobs?

When are we going to have a house?

When are we going to have kids?

And because of all the “When’s” in our lives, there has been a lot of preparing and planning.  When we have new jobs, we will do things this way.  When we have a house, we’re going to decorate it that way.  When we have kids, we’re going to raise them in this manner.  But honestly, God convicted me this morning with James 4.  We don’t know what’s going to happen even next week!  How do we know what our lives will be like when we go through these changes?  We didn’t know how we would meet.  We didn’t know how we would get our current apartment.  We didn’t know how we would get married and even when we would get married when we first met.  God’s timing is perfect; ultimately, only He knows what will happen next year.

All we know…is what is going to happen in ten minutes.

So, my anxious friends, those who like to plan like me, I challenge you to only focus on the next ten minutes of your life.  It is not a selfish thing to do.  It is not wrong.  It is a way for you to feel a sense of control over your life. I know as Christians we should be relying on God to control our lives, but He has also given us responsibility over our lives, and it is human nature to want to have control of something.  May I remind you that one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control.  When you are anxious, you are not in control.  Take a deep breath and plan the next ten minutes of your day.  Does it involve doing your hair?  Does it involve journaling?  Does it involve spending ten precious minutes with the one who loves your soul?  Beyond that is where your trust in God comes in.  Trust that God will provide what you need, when you need it.  Only God knows what will happen beyond ten minutes from now.  Will you trust in mere humans who are pressuring you to get your life together, or will you trust in the One who has given you your life and has spent all of eternity planning your future?

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”  As it is, you boast in your arrogant schemes. All such boasting is evil.  If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them. 

-James 4:13-17

Photo by Kai Pilger on Unsplash

Categories
Books Marriage

How to Pray for Your Husband

This is actually a book review for the book The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian.  This book was recommended to me by several people, especially those who saw me reading it.  I’ll admit that because of the high expectation that I had of the book based on the high praises I received about it, I did not find the book to match up to my expectations.  Overall, it had a lot of great ideas for how to pray for my husband, and it was formatted in a way that made it easy for me to plan my prayers.  But it sort of seemed like the author had her own way of dealing with her husband, in terms of how she presented herself and what pleased her husband, that she portrayed as necessary for all women to have to do.  All men are different, and while they might have similarities, they do not all have the same needs and there is no textbook answer of how to meet our husband’s needs.

Nevertheless,  I did learn some good points that I believe will strengthen my marriage and help me to be more strategic in my prayers.  One thing I learned is to “shut up and pray.”  I’ve learned from experience that when my husband is struggling with something, he gets upset at me if I tell him what to do.  He does not want me to belittle him; he wants me to trust him.  When I can’t trust him, I pray, because I can trust God to intervene.  Either God will change my husband’s mind, or He will soften my heart to the issue.  It is better to pray for my husband and to let God be the one to tell him what to do.  Instead of criticizing everything he does wrong, when I see him doing something I don’t like, I should let God speak.  What he is doing may be totally wrong, or it might be exactly what God wants him to do, but I have to let God make that decision, not me.

The book is formatted with information about an area of life to pray for your husband, an example prayer, and finally key verses that can help guide your own personal prayers.  The book contains thirty chapters of areas to pray for your husband, one for each day of the month.  The first chapter, the longest chapter, is a prayer for his wife.  That’s me.  We often want to change our spouses, but it turns out that God is stirring in our hearts the desire to change.  We might get frustrated that our husbands do things we don’t like, especially if they did not do those things when we were dating.  But maybe the problem is not with our husbands.  Maybe it’s our perception of what he is doing that is wrong.  We should pray for ourselves first, to have an attitude that reflects Christ and a submissive heart that encourages our husband and does not tear him down.  We should also be reading the Word of God and praying the Scriptures over our husbands.  God’s Word can help guide and direct our prayers.

I believe that the point of the book is to develop a discipline of spending time in prayer with the Lord.  When your first priority is your husband, you are not inclined to make time for God.  But when your husband starts to do things that annoy you or worry you, that’s when God starts to grab your attention.  That’s when you turn to Him again.  And you can try as hard as you want to make your husband change, but only God can do that.

After reading this book, my plan is to see what my husband struggles with and pray for something new each day.  If I have to confront my husband on something, I will bring it to the Lord first.  It may involve simply praying about it.  But, with the Lord’s guiding, it may also involve having a graceful conversation about the issue.

I pray for unity in your marriage, and for God to speak to your heart as you pray on behalf of your husband.  Whether you want to change your husband’s habits, or you genuinely care about his salvation and his obedience to the Lord, God hears you and He is able to answer your prayer in such  a perfect way.

Photo by Diana Simumpande on Unsplash

Categories
Book Update

My Blog’s Best of 2017

As 2017 comes to a close, I thought it would be fun to show how my blog has grown this year.  I’ve gained a lot of support and feedback over the year, and I’m excited at how God has used it to touch lives all over the world!

This year, people from thirty different countries have viewed my blog.  I’ve always said that I wanted to be a world traveler, and it seems that my writing is doing that for me!  Glory to God!  Here are the top ten countries that have viewed my blog in 2017:

  1. United States
  2. India
  3. United Kingdom
  4. Australia
  5. Canada
  6. Thailand
  7. Germany
  8. Ireland
  9. Israel
  10. Spain

If you are from those countries or are residing in any of those countries, thank you for your support!  I pray that my blog has been able to help you overcome anxiety, put God first in your marriage, or dig deeper into His Word.

In terms of views, here are the top ten blog posts of 2017:

  1. Why the First Year is the Hardest
    My first year of marriage wasn’t hard, but it did involve a lot of surrender and a lot of changes!  Find out how we were able to cope with those changes.
  2. Feelin’ Great After Reading This Book!
    One of my friends from church wrote the book Lose Weight and Feel Great.  I believe one of the reasons why this book review was viewed so much is because my friend shared this on his Facebook page.  Shameless plug: If you read a blog post and you love it, please share it!  My goal is to encourage people all over the world, and if something I write encourages you, maybe it will encourage your friends!
  3. My Husband is Not My Everything
    As much of a shocker as it is to society, my husband is not my everything.  Having the biblical perspective of marriage has truly improved our marriage and has helped us have healthy expectations of each other.
  4. I Have the Best Husband Ever…And Here’s Why
    Find out why my husband is the absolute best.  I know all of you with husbands would disagree, but that’s actually the point!
  5. The Power of a Nagging Wife
    This was the first blog I wrote this year, actually.  This was the post that got me back into writing.  This blog post, to the glory of God, really encouraged a lot of wives who are tempted to control their husbands.
  6. What You Say When You Attend a Wedding
    After attending about five weddings last year, including our own, we learned a thing or two about what it means to attend a wedding.  It is more than just the food, the dancing, and the drinking!
  7. Finding Financial Freedom as a Couple
    We’re debt free!  It’s amazing.  We want to share with you all what we’ve learned about financial freedom and how it is possible in this expensive, manipulative world.
  8. Anxiety Brings Me Closer to God
    I’ve been asking God to remove anxiety from my life, but looking back, it seems that God has been using my anxiety to bring me closer to Him.
  9. What’s Better than Lovey Dovey Feelings?
    People have been telling us from the beginning that our love is going to fade.  What we’ve found, and what we believe, is that our love will always be strong.
  10. Wrapped in His Arms: My Story of Singleness
    I remember being single and literally crying my eyes out some days because I felt so alone.  But I realized during those difficult days that I’m never alone.

Thanks again for helping make 2017 a great year!  For those who have been following, please let me know in the comments how this blog has impacted you this year, or if you have any feedback about how I could improve my blog in 2018.

My goals for next year are to write blogs ahead of time and have a more structured schedule.  In about 45 minutes, I’m going to watch a workshop about how to manage my time, and my husband bought me a planner for Christmas (thanks for loving the nerd in me, honey!).  My ultimate goal is to be more involved in my writing in general, but I’m at a season in my book where I’ll be doing more editing than writing, so that means more writing time to blog!  I’ll be focusing mostly on anxiety and marriage, but I’ll throw in some book reviews when I find a good read.

Happy New Year, everyone!  May God bless you abundantly in 2018.

Categories
anxiety

Jesus Gives me Peace

This week, I was worried about how Christmas Eve/Christmas would go.  I’m normally very anxious during holidays, and now that I’m seeing more people, I worry that I will upset someone or that someone will be in a bad mood.  However, this Christmas was not like that at all.  This Christmas, I had peace, and it was amazing.

On both sides of the family, we had a very mellow, chill time.  There were exciting things happening (such as my sister getting engaged!) but there was no drama, no fights, no stress.  We ended up, at both sides of the family, sitting around and talking and eating.  Isn’t that how the holidays should be?

The last few Christmases had a lot of pressure on them.  The first Christmas my husband and I spent together, we were engaged, so both sides of the family wanted to see us and had asked us a million questions about our plans.  Last Christmas, there was some tension about how we were going to spend our first Christmas as a married couple.  But this Christmas, there was no tension.  Not only was our environment at peace, but my husband and I were both at peace in our hearts.

Ultimately, peace does not come from our environment.  It comes from Christ.  Even though God provided a peaceful time for us at both of our families’ houses, we could have mentally stressed about what could have happened.  It could have been worse.  We could have had a fight.  I could have gotten sick.  Anxiety is big on playing scenarios that could happen instead of focusing on the reality that actually happens.

Anxiety causes me to focus on myself, to focus on what bothers me and what people could do to hurt me.  But when I fix my eyes on God, He shows me that the world does not revolve around me.  For the first time in three years, my focus was not on me.  It was on my sister who just got engaged.  It was on the people who were surrounding me, who were in the same stage of life as me: waiting, praying, and just plain resting.  My focus was on God, who has blessed us so abundantly this year, and who has truly allowed us to rest on Christmas.

One of the names of Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  He came to give us peace with God, peace with others, and peace within ourselves.  If you do not have peace with God, you cannot have peace with others and you cannot have peace within yourself.  I’ve tried to look for peace in what I eat, how successful I am, and how nice I am to other people.  But even if the scale says a good number, even if I’m not sick, even if everyone around me is happy, those things do not give me peace.

But the opposite is also true.  Even when there is chaos, when I can’t control my weight, when my family is all up in arms about something, when my to-do list runs off the page, I can have peace because I know that I have peace with God.

Jesus Christ came as a baby, in the humblest of forms, to bring us peace with God.  Jesus is our peace offering from God.  When we all bow before the manger in humility, we are able to have peace with one another.

Jesus came to Earth to understand us as humans.  You may feel like no one else understands, but God does. He suffered the same pain that we all suffer.  He went through everyday life on Earth just like we all did, from working a full-time job to dealing with people on the street.  Knowing that Jesus understands exactly how I am feeling, even when I am anxious, gives me peace.  Knowing that I have someone with me in the midst of the struggle gives me peace.  And having a chill Christmas does not give me hope in the candles and the table setting and even the food, but it gives me hope that every good and perfect gift is from above.

May God bless you as we reflect on 2017 and as we plan ahead for 2018.  God will go before you and will meet you in the new year!

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Marriage Monday (on Tuesday)- What to Expect in Marriage

“One winter a Farmer found a Snake stiff and frozen with cold. He had compassion on it, and taking it up, placed it under his coat. The Snake was quickly revived by the warmth, and resuming its natural instincts, bit its benefactor, inflicting on him a mortal wound.” (Aesop’s Fables, Eliot/Jacobs Version)

Just like the snake, humans have natural tendencies toward specific behaviors because of the influences of this world.  Because of the Fall, we have tendencies to sin and to fall short of perfection.  However, we expect people to look a certain way, act a certain way, and say certain things.  We get annoyed that people don’t fit into our molds of what the perfect husband, the perfect parent, or the perfect child looks like.  But when we actually try to control them, we find out that there’s nothing we can do to change them.  Some people are just the way they are, and we can’t fix them.

I tend to be a control freak. I really like perfection, whatever that is.  And most often, my lack of perfection and the lack of perfection in others leaves me pretty dissatisfied with relationships.  I keep having the same conflicts with the same people and I keep doing the same thing to try to fix it.  Doesn’t Einstein define that as insanity?

For those who want to change their spouses, remember the analogy of the snake.  If he has been trained his entire life to run away from conflict, then don’t get mad at him when he fears you raising your voice.  If she has been influenced to clean when she’s stressed, then don’t be surprised when she can’t sit still.  We have all been influenced by the way we’ve grown up, the people we’ve met, and the experiences we have undergone.  The patterns we have developed are not going to change overnight.  If they change, they will take time.  And they will take grace.

My advice to you today is from my dear friend, Elsa: let it go.  My husband would not be happy, because he has vowed never to see this movie.  But the simplicity of the lyrics and the sweetness in Idina Menzel’s voice as she sings these words reminds me that it truly is that simple.  You can’t control when your husband likes to check his phone every night before bed, thus shining the light in your face?  Let it go.  You can’t control that your wife likes to talk a lot right before bed, thus keeping you from precious sleep?  Let it go.  Just take a deep breath and walk away.  Don’t bring it up.  Just…let it go.

If it’s really an issue that makes your blood boil, pray about it.  God can intervene, and He will either change the habit or change your heart about it.  Be open to both.

I must add that there are expectations in marriage that are normal and healthy.  You expect your husband to remain faithful to you.  You expect your wife to honor the budget that you created together.  I know gender roles have changed a little bit over the years, but either spouse or both are expected to do their share of cleaning the house, shopping, raising the kids, and keeping the romance alive.  Your spouse is supposed make you feel safe.  Your spouse is expected to seek reconciliation and peace in your marriage, not to tear you down or talk bad about you.

Just like the snake analogy, people who are abusive, unfaithful, and lazy have also been shaped by their natural tendencies and by their environments.  Jealousy may also ensue from people who have been abused, cheated on, or neglected in past relationships, and this jealousy can manifest in anger, controlling behavior, or the silent treatment.  Knowing this, it is easy to feel sympathy for those who hurt us.  We have all sinned and fall short of the glory of God.  But abuse, infidelity, laziness, and jealousy are all detrimental to a marriage, in addition to our well-being, and so they must be confronted.

If your spouse has an issue with these detrimental habits in your marriage, do not let it go.  Pray earnestly, but do not be afraid to confront your spouse.  If your spouse does not listen, consider counseling or other resources to help you deal with your spouse in a graceful manner.

Grace is God’s indescribable gift to us (2 Corinthians 9:15).  When our spouses do not meet our expectations, let us extend this same gift to them.  Instead of making them meet your expectations, let God reveal His expectations for you and your life partner.

Photo by Jeremy Yap on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Anxiety During the Holidays

As a culture, we tend to idolize and idealize holidays.  The food has to be just right.  Everyone has to get along.  The decorations have to be creative and fun, and the house has to be spotless.  You better come up with some good stories and some exciting news to tell your family.  There’s some serious pressure to do everything right and to not mess it up.  After all, you don’t want to be the one ruining the holiday.

I’ve struggled with anxiety for several years, and the holidays have gotten progressively harder for me.  My anxiety tells me that I have to be perfect, that I can’t mess things up, and it literally ruins the holiday for me.  All I ever want to do on the holiday is stay home and do nothing.  But that’s not the way the world works.  I don’t get to call in sick to Christmas.

When I started dating my husband, I actually confessed this to him.  I was nervous about being around his family, especially since I was meeting a lot of them for the first time.  What if their first impression of me was not good, and they hated me for the rest of our lives together?  They also had their own set of rules that I was afraid I would ruin.  But if I went back to my own house, I felt like I was walking on a tightrope, and that anything I said or did could cause everything to go off balance.

I am fully aware that all of this is irrational, but it does not shake the feeling that I get whenever the holidays roll around.  What I’ve learned after letting this happen is that, if I let anxiety win, I miss out on a great day.  Since I’ve been praying and having the support of my husband holding me accountable, I’ve been conscious about not letting my anxiety get the best of me.  I intentionally focus on what I look forward to, not what I anticipate going wrong.  And for the last couple of years, I’ve actually been able to laugh, talk, and relax with both sides of my family instead of being overcome with anxiety.

If you are like me, here are some practical tips that I have discovered to at least avoid the panicking feeling:

  • Watch what you eat/drink.  People tend to indulge on sugary snacks and drinks during the holidays.  Sugar causes your heart to race, which in turn causes your anxiety to increase.  Alcohol may calm your anxiety, but it may also give you acid reflux.  Be aware of how certain foods affect your body.  If you’re feeling anxious, drink some water or some peppermint/herbal tea to calm down your body.
  • Remember the true meaning of the holidays.   As a Christian, I celebrate Christmas, the time of year where we remember Jesus our Savior coming to Earth.  Jesus is the Prince of Peace, the one who reconciles all people to each other as well as to God.  When I am anxious, I can remember that Jesus is the Prince of Peace.  When I am nervous about upsetting someone, I can remember that my identity is in Christ and not in what people say about me.  If you’re feeling anxious, remember that God is with you.  One of God’s names is Emmanuel, which means God With Us.  God is with you, even in your time of weakness.
  • Guard your heart.  Not everyone believes the same things that you do.  Some people might mock you for trusting in God.  Do not let their negativity, complaining, or criticizing keep you down.  If you need to separate yourself, find another family member to talk to.  If someone wants to chew your ear off about how wrong you are, don’t let it get to you.  Just take a deep breath and let it go in one ear and out the other.
  • Breathe.  The holidays are meant to be a time for relaxation, reflection, and fun.  Don’t let your anxiety get in the way of the rest that you deserve.  You work hard all year, so you are allowed one free day where you don’t have to do anything.  You can be anxious any other time this year; give yourself a break just this one day.  Literally, close your eyes, breathe in through your nose, and out through your mouth, until the anxiety is gone.  The anxiety will pass; you just have to let it leave.

Merry Christmas to all!  I pray that the Prince of Peace, Jesus Christ, meets you all in a special way this year.  I can’t wait to hear what He does in your life!

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash