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I didn’t come from a household that believed in God.  As a matter of fact, my family was against the church.  I perceived that God wanted me to be perfect, but knew that I could not be, so he picked on me.  Everything was about rules and obedience. I had a responsibility: to take care of my sister and to be perfect.  But I knew that I could not, so I failed myself, my family, and God every day.

As I’ve mentioned before, I had a step family that was always in and out of the house.  In essence, our families did not ever come together as one. It seemed to be my sister, my mom, and I against my stepfather and his two kids.  I secretly wanted an escape, but did not know how to get one.

When my parents got divorced, my dad started dating a Christian.  She had a daughter my age who quickly became one of my best friends.  They were always asking me to go to church.  I went sometimes to make my friend happy.  I didn’t really see anything special about going.  We went to events where kids played games and listened to stories (stories that I don’t really remember).

My mom was very much against me going to church.  I could easily get out of things by calling my mom.  If I didn’t want to go to church, I would call my mom, and she would call my dad and say that she was picking me up.  I didn’t have to do anything that made me uncomfortable.

One day, we were at Wendy’s.  As I stuffed my Frosty into my mouth, my dad asked, “Do you want to see your friend today?” I always saw my friend on Fridays…why would that day be any different?  I nodded.  “Well, she’s going to youth group. So you’re going with her.”  Youth group is like church but for teenagers.  So many thoughts raced through my head: I was going to be judged; people were going to know my past; I can not go to church.

Under the table, I sent a text message to my mom: “Dad is taking me to church. Help!”  She replied, “That sounds great, honey. Have a good time.”  Really?  The woman who didn’t want me going to church is actually letting me go?

I went there, and I actually had a good time.  We played games in teams, and I made a few friends.  Nobody asked me about my past or my insecurities.  People did not judge me like I thought, but gave me a reason to want to go back.  At the end of the night, we made bracelets and listened to the pastor talk.  I heard for the first time that God was not angry at me, but that he wanted to be my friend.  He did not expect me to be perfect; he just wanted me to love him.  On that night, I made a decision to trust God.  This decision resulted in a journey that brought me to peace.

Over these past few days, I have been discussing about how I have overcome anxiety.  Between working retail and taking a TEFL certification class, it is has been difficult to remain consistent these days.  I feel like I am supposed to share more of my personal story of how I overcame anxiety.  I will be splitting my story into segments so that it is easier for me to write and for others to read.  Enjoy!

I hear so many people claiming that they have the cure for anxiety.  Doctors prescribe anti-anxiety medication to even those who do not have a diagnosed anxiety.  Nutritionists boast that they have found a super food that is all natural and can cure any disease.  Pastors preach sermons that have the same Bible verses about how to have peace, claiming that anxiety comes from a lack of faith and from sin.

I tried praying harder.  I tried counseling.  I tried all of the techniques that people told me would help.  But I still woke up with a racing heart and troubled mind.  I became discouraged.  It looked like everyone else could live in peace but me.  There was no hope for me.

Everyone else seemed to have a handle on their lives. I was the only one struggling to survive.  Normal people could go to work without having a stomachache.  Other people could take a test without having trouble breathing.  But I was the weird one.  I was the one who overreacted, who didn’t understand, and who wasn’t understood.  While I spent time with friends, I could not concentrate on the moment.  I tried convincing myself that I wasn’t going to mess up, that I wasn’t going to give anyone proof that I was a failure.  If I made one wrong move, everyone would know that I wasn’t perfect…and that wasn’t okay.

I have been talking about how to overcome anxiety. Since I was little, anxiety seemed to have overcome me.  Anxiety was a rock, and I was being crushed underneath it.  All my life, I heard the negative voices around me telling me that I would never amount to anything.  It is interesting that I won awards as a child for being good at reading and writing, and that two of my teachers wanted me to skip to the next grade, but I could only remember the people who trampled on my dreams.  No matter what achievements I made, I could not hear someone cheering me on, telling me to keep going.

I used anxiety to feel in control.  However, anxiety became a reminder that, at the end of the day, I was still a failure and I was never going to have a happy ending.  Anxiety was a result of my dead end life.  I had no hope for my future, but I had no way out of the life I was living.  It’s like I was stuck.  I was not going to get anywhere, but I still felt the urge to try.

Panic attacks are sudden, and they feel overwhelming.  They seem so real and so dramatic.  As I mentioned in the previous post, whenever I have a panic attack, I feel the urgent need to fix the situation instantly.  It feels like my world will fall apart if I do not have instant relief from my anxiety.  I noticed that there would be certain situations, like going to work or taking a test, where I would always have a stomachache or a sudden shortening in my breath.  In those moments, I felt like I did not have control, and I did anything to get rid of the insecurity.

One time, I went to a counseling session.  The counselor gave me some practical techniques to help me when I am feeling anxious.  In addition to deep breathing and exercise, normalizing anxiety makes it appear less threatening.  She told me to talk myself down, giving me advice about what to say:  “You have a panic attack every time you go to work.  You have never died from it before, and you will not die from it today.  No one has ever died from a panic attack.”  I had never realized that panic attacks don’t kill, even though they appear to try to steal my life.

The next time I was leaving for work, my same stomachache kicked in, right on cue.  I put my hands on my stomach and told myself out loud, “You are only having a panic attack.  There is nothing wrong with your stomach.  You have a panic attack every day before you go to work.  You are going to have a good day at work, and nothing bad is going to happen to you.”  Instantly the panic attack stopped.  I took the time to calm down and normalize my anxiety, and the anxiety stopped.

Normalizing anxiety does not mean accepting defeat.  You do not have to walk under the shadow of anxiety.  This exercise simply involves telling yourself that anxiety has stricken before, and it has never hurt you.  Normalizing anxiety is taking away the power that anxiety has over you.  By telling yourself that anxiety is normal, not scary, your anxiety will become less threatening.

I’ve been told that emotions are just energy.  I have found this to be true.  I have always had more energy than the average human being.  Even without regularly drinking coffee, I rarely have been able to take naps, except when I had been deprived of sleep for long periods of time.  I usually have been hyper and excited most of the time.  I recently noticed that it doesn’t take much to make me happy.  I burst with excitement over the smallest of compliments, pieces of joyful news, and inspirational quotations.

Many times, I’ll become joyful, and those around me will tell me to calm down.  Among some people, I have learned how to hide my joy because they don’t approve or they don’t understand.  As a result, I have energy within me that is waiting to be exerted.  If I choose not to let it manifest in joy, the energy will automatically manifest in anxiety.  There is no other way that I had allowed myself to release the energy.  So I’d wake up in the middle of the night, with energy welling up inside of me, and I wouldn’t know what to do.

In learning to overcome anxiety, I have discovered how to control the energy within me. I avoid high fructose corn syrup and other types of sugar (as well as caffeine) so my body does not create unnecessary energy.  If I ingest too much sugar or caffeine and then start to feel anxious, I will tell myself that my anxiety is not caused by a legitimate fear but by an excess of sugar.  Instead of freaking out, I go for a walk or a bike ride every day before I start my routine.  My favorite way to exert energy is to dance. I remember a time where I could feel a panic attack starting.  I just stood up and started dancing.  I jumped up and down, not caring who saw me.  After a few minutes, I began to feel tired.  I danced some more, past my fatigue, and then I stopped.  I was so tired that I fell to the floor.  Whatever troubling thoughts I had didn’t matter anymore.  I was too tired to care.  But because I exercised, my body created endorphins, so I felt peaceful and happy.

If you struggle with anxiety, try to become aware of the energy you ingest.  Record the food you eat, and see if a diet change makes a difference.  Women’s bodies could create more energy during different times of the month, so being aware of that is helpful as well.  Eating food with hormones could also cause a chemical imbalance that could produce anxiety.  When you exert energy, you could go for a walk.  If you’re in panic mode, you could even go for a run.  You don’t have to be on the defensive side of a panic attack.  If you feel a panic attack coming, fight it before it gets the chance to overtake you.

It seems that the most socially acceptable type of person is an extrovert who goes with the flow and has no problem making friends.  For a long time, I felt like I was unacceptable because I didn’t jump at the opportunity to hang out with people.  Before transferring to the school where I graduated, I went to a school that always had events.  Students were always out of their dorms, interacting with other students on campus.  After a few days of it (yep, a few DAYS), I had enough.  My two roommates would invite me out, but I would politely decline.  Even more time passed, and they would still ask me. I would get angry at them, not because they were being rude, but because I felt like I was doing something wrong.  I didn’t want to hang out with everyone else. I wanted to be by myself or a small group of other people.  While other people wanted to make small talk while being surrounded by people they didn’t know, I wanted to share my feelings with a close group of friends that I did know.

My failure to conform to the way society told me to behave gave me anxiety.  There was a battle within me: should I suck it up and act more extroverted, or should I become a shut-in and forget everyone?  At the time, I didn’t understand this terminology, so instead I said to myself, “What’s wrong with me?  Let me take out my frustrations on my friends and family.”

Ultimately, I became a shut-in and forgot everyone.  As a result, I didn’t talk about my emotions or struggles with anyone (which, I discovered later, is something I need to do in order to maintain peace).  I was in a completely different environment with people I didn’t know, and I was trying to find a balance between schoolwork, my emotional health, my spirituality, and my social life.  I felt alone, and I needed help.  Instead of asking for help and looking to others for support, I found my own answers.  I developed a prideful attitude, that only my advice would work for me.  I believed that no one else could help me, and that no one else could tell me what to do.

As I became more mature, I started to discover more about myself.  I took a few personality tests (the free, online versions!) and I learned that my personality is different from the socially acceptable type.  Although I enjoy to be around people now, in reality I still need time to myself in order to feel calm on a regular basis.  I tend to make decisions based on my emotions more than rational thinking, so understanding my emotions is important for me.  Finally, I am a person who thrives on structure, so last-minute changes in plans frustrate me.  Therefore, when I am in situations that involve interacting with a lot of people that I don’t know, making rational decisions that do not consider emotions, or changing the plans last minute, I tend to have more anxiety than in situations that fit my personality type.

In order to move forward, it is important to know yourself.  You were created in a way that is good, even if it is different from the rest.  I encourage you to take a personality test or ask yourself questions to help you understand yourself better.  Take a look at your life and notice when you were anxious in the past.  Was there anything in the situation that went against your personality?  Now, I am not saying that you should avoid all situations that make you uncomfortable.  You will have to interact with people who are different from you.  However, if you know yourself, you can be better prepared.  When you know yourself, you become more comfortable with who you are, and it is easier to have peace.