Tag: comfort

Categories
anxiety

Choose Your Battles

Since I’ve had to go through some tough love recently, I have some tough love for you, friend:

If you can’t control your anxiety, your anxiety will control you.

In 2014, a dear friend of mine prayed for me and encouraged me with this word: You’re stronger than you think. I have never forgotten that, because it was something I didn’t believe. I think that I’m weak because I have anxiety. But that’s a lie. Anxiety does not have power over me. I am stronger than my fear by the grace of God.

When facing my fears, I choose my battles. There are some fights I’m not willing to engage in, where I let anxiety be my excuse, but there are some fights where I take out my biggest weapon and attack it head-on.

One of those fears is being on stage, being the center of attention. My best friend just got married this weekend. I was so incredibly happy for her, and I was blessed to be one of her bridesmaids. However, I couldn’t shake the fear of standing on the steps at the front of the church, where anyone could be looking at me. Leading up to the wedding, I realized that this fear was totally selfish. This was my friend’s day, not mine. Not a single eye was looking at me during the ceremony, and that’s the way it should be. Instead of letting the fear stop me from enjoying the ceremony, I filled my mind with the reminder that I was doing this for her, and for her and her husband’s commitment to God. By standing up there, I wasn’t just facing my fear; I was displaying to her and to everyone else that I supported her union to her husband and that I believed that God is at the center of their marriage. That is something worth fighting for.

Another one of those fears is flying. My fear if flying is debilitating. Most people get scared going through security, but I’m scared once the cabin door is shut and we have no way out until we land on the other side (even just writing that made it difficult to breathe!). On the flight, I shake uncontrollably, my muscles tense up, and I usually end up crying. Like, ugly crying. However, I love to travel. I want to see the world with my husband and my family. My husband’s family also lives in another state, and we have to fly to see them. When my grandfather was alive, he made a vow that he would never fly because it scared him too much. I cannot and will not do that. So I do whatever it takes to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepare myself for the flight. I remind myself that whatever is waiting on the other side of the plane is worth the panic attacks.

Some anxiety is not worth fighting. I don’t go on roller coasters because the five seconds of thrill I’d feel conquering my fear is not worth day-long stress I would feel leading up to the experience. I don’t go on high ropes courses or go bungee jumping or sky diving because I’m afraid of heights; I have given up on the desire to add those things to my bucket list.

When you’re panicking, ask yourself: If I fight my fear, will it be worth it? My criterion for choosing my battle is: Will conquering my fear help me and my loved ones? Choosing to fight against my fear of being on stage helped me to celebrate with my friend and to show my support for her. Choosing to fight against my fear of flying helps me to enjoy God’s creation and to spend time with my loved ones. Although it may take time to fully overcome my fear, chopping away at the wall of fear a little bit at a time will eventually make the wall crumble.

You are indeed stronger than you think. God has great plans for you, and He will give you strength to fight each battle that comes your way. Today, try to conquer fear a little bit at a time. If you need help, reach out to a friend. I’m always here if you need prayer or encouragement!

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” -2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Photo by Henry Hustava on Unsplash

Categories
Wisdom Wednesday

It Takes Time (And Grace) to Figure it Out

I’ve been doing a series on how to find rest in the midst of our busyness.  I’m doing this series because, ultimately, I need this advice more than anyone else.  I do my devotionals in the morning, but honestly, I just can’t relate to what I’m reading.  All I can think about is the endless list of tasks I have to complete, the people I have to see, and the events I have to attend.  Whenever I have any amount of free time, it usually involves catching up on what I put to the side, what I promised I would do whenever I had time.  What I really need more than anything else is for someone to give me practical tips on how to be still even though I’m busy.

If I had to give advice to myself, I would say this: I’m being too hard on myself.

I know I mention this a lot, but my life has been busy since I graduated college.  I wrote a post when I graduated college about how I didn’t know what God had planned for me.  About six months later, the roller coaster began.  You can read about the ups and downs of my life in other posts, especially this one.  For the sake of this post, I will let you in on my current situation.  My husband and I have been married for almost seven months. Due to the fact that we both have full-time jobs and long commutes to and from work, we are exhausted by the time we get home.  Not to mention we are both involved in various ministries during the week that allow us just enough time to stop home and eat a quick bite for dinner.  Oh, and yeah, I’m trying to publish a book, which involves proposing to various literary agents.

The residual effects of our busyness are why I feel so guilty for being constantly on-the-go.  We don’t get to see our families on a regular basis, and the desire and obligation to see them hangs over our heads.  Our place of living is not as spotless as it was when I had all the time in the world to clean it.  Seeing crumbs on the floor, piles of laundry on our bed, and dishes in the sink makes me feel like I’m not taking care of the place that God has given me.  Plus, the overarching nagging of my responsibilities causes me to be irritable and impatient.  I constantly hear this ringing in my ear, telling me that I should be doing things more efficiently, that I’m not being a good wife or a good family member or a good employee.

So, I shall take this moment to ask myself: What is the problem here, the busyness, or that little voice in my head telling me I’m not good enough?

My husband and I are still newlyweds.  My apartment is still new to me.  I’m still trying to figure out my schedule.  And in the midst of all of the “newness,” God’s grace is with me.  He is not angry at me for failing to understand everything right away.  It takes time to learn how to be a great wife, an efficient house-cleaner, a brilliant employee, and all of the other roles that God has entrusted to me.  For now, all God expects of me is to lean on Him and be patient with myself.

If you find yourself feeling guilty for not having everything figured out, my word of encouragement to you is to be patient with yourself.  Even if others expect you to be an expert (fill in the blank), you cannot be without practice.  It may involve making mistakes; you may have to discover several ways that don’t work before you discover the one way that works for you.  All that matters is: you’re not alone, and you will get through this.

My challenge this week for you is to affirm yourself.  Instead of focusing on what you are doing wrong, write down what you are doing right. Thank God for the ability to do those things well.  I would also challenge you to ask God to help you in the process of figuring it out.  It will take time.  Be patient with yourself and humbly ask God for strength to endure the transitional period.  God, through Jesus Christ, understands our weaknesses and gives us grace and mercy when we need it.  Ask God for that grace when you hear that voice that says you are not good enough.

Categories
Uncategorized

Know Your Boundaries (And Use Them!)

I have an allergy to nuts. When I eat certain types of nuts, my throat swells and I have trouble breathing.  Therefore, I have to be very clear about what I can and can’t eat.  When people cook me or buy me something to eat , I always ask them if there are any nuts in the food.  Although in most cultures it is rude to refuse food, in this case, my life and health is more important than being polite.   Recently, I also discovered that I was carb sensitive, meaning that eating carbs makes me gain weight.  Once I eliminate as many carbs as possible from my diet, I lose weight instantly.  Although it is important for me to maintain physical health, I will give myself the freedom to eat carbs if someone brings me to a carb-crazy restaurant or bakes me cookies.  My sensitivity to carbs is not destructive to my health, but I should limit my interaction with them in order to stay healthy.  Eating carbs every once in a while is fine, but eating them over a long period of time could make me sick.

Just like our physical health is affected by certain types of food, our mental health is affected by certain types of situations.  Certain situations trigger anxiety in certain people because of their past experiences.  Someone may have drowned as a child, so deep water may scare him.  Someone may have been betrayed by a close friend, so she may be scared of commitment.  Just as we should know ourselves and our personality types, we should also know our boundaries.  We should know what makes us anxious, and we should avoid them.  There are some situations that could lead to stress, but do not trigger anxiety.  When we go for long periods of time under these conditions of stress, however, it could result in anxiety.

Personally, I would have a panic attack if I was working with people who do not follow structured plans.  Every time I had been in a disorganized situation, my stomach would get in knots and I would have difficulty breathing.  When I learned that lack of consistency makes me anxious, I began to communicate my boundaries with my co-workers, supervisors, and classmates.  If I had to work on a group project, I would tell my partners that I need deadlines or else I would be upset.  I also take responsibility for my boundaries by establishing my own deadlines when possible.

A less serious boundary is my bedtime.  I go to bed early, and when I am tired, I become irritable.  Lack of sleep does not give me anxiety; it only gives me stress.  However, as time progresses, the less sleep I get, the more anxious I become.  Therefore, I try to get enough sleep each night.  If I do not get enough sleep, when I am hanging out with my friends or I am about to have a serious conversation with a loved one, I will make it known that I am irritable.  If someone says the wrong thing when I am tired, I will get angry because I am more sensitive without sleep.

There are times where we may feel called to do something uncomfortable, but understand the implications of that decision.  Although it is good to make choices that are beyond our comfort zone sometimes, going against our comfort zone could cause anxiety.  Being aware of this normal emotional reaction will help you prepare yourself to handle your anxiety.  In another post, I will talk about practical ways to handle anxiety, such as deep breathing exercises.

By remaining unaware of boundaries (or by neglecting to make your boundaries clear), you are creating more anxiety within yourself.  We all need boundaries in order to survive.  People will understand if you have boundaries, and if they don’t, well, at least you’re taking care of yourself.  As you think about your boundaries, think about what gives you anxiety.  Think about the last times you have had anxiety; think about the situations and the people involved.  When you identify your boundaries, make them clear to the people around you. It is helpful to have an accountability partner to help you keep your boundaries.  By freely stating your boundaries, you are protecting yourself as well as people you encounter from unnecessary anxiety.  At the same time, you should take care of yourself by honoring your boundaries.