Tag: work

Categories
Marriage

Busy seasons in your marriage

I haven’t been posting nearly as often as I should. I’ve been working on my novel. Lately, I’ve discovered that I’m really good at writing words, but what my readers want is quality words strung together into a beautiful narrative. And hey, by the way, I know I normally write non-fiction on here, but if you also read fiction, can you let me know? I’m trying to figure out how to best serve my audience.

In addition to this, my husband has also been working a tremendous amount of overtime hours. Of course I am thankful for this. My husband’s company has been very gracious in letting him work overtime and making sure he’s putting money away toward our down-payment-for-a-house fund. And my husband has done a great job in showing up, being present at his job, and giving his best.

Our marriage is not suffering. We don’t have any problems. But we have big-kid responsibilities now, like paying rent (and taking care of our apartment), buying a house, starting a family, and (gulp) paying taxes!

If you’re in a busy season like we are, don’t be afraid. Your marriage is not in jeopardy. You just need to be intentional with your spouse about the time you spend together and the love in your marriage. Here are some points to remember!

This is a season. Before we even started dating, Lenny and I had conversations about our dream jobs and what it would look like for us to pursue them. At the time, we were in great jobs, we had no idea that Lenny would be doing IT for a law firm and I would be working in the editing field. But even at the beginning, we made it clear to each other that we would never let our jobs come before each other. We would never spend so many hours in the office that our marriage or our future kids suffer. And while I was tempted for a while to fear that it was happening, that we were placing our jobs above our marriage, I realize that it is just a season. We are busy now, but we won’t always be. We are saving for a house, and we are building wealth for our future. We’re living that DINK (Dual Income No Kids) life. And, quite honestly, staring googly eyed at each other isn’t going to pay the bills. We need to be busy right now, in this season, so that we can survive and enjoy the blessings God has given us. If you’re in a busy season, do not let it become a lifestyle. If you have years where you are busy, maybe you need to sit down and reevaluate your priorities.

Your marriage isn’t taking a back seat. If I really sat down and thought about why I write, it’s because I enjoy writing. My writing doesn’t necessarily help my husband, but it helps me express myself in a way that makes me happy. Happy wife, happy life. When I wake up in the morning, the first thing I do is start working on my manuscript. No questions asked. But I get up before my husband is awake, so that when he is awake, I can make sure he has what he needs to get to work, and I make sure I can give him my attention. While my husband loves his job, he’s not working just because he likes to work. He’s also working because he wants to fund our future, because he believes in my dream as a writer and he’s helping me be able to make time for that, while also saving for a house. No matter what your job is, remember that you are working to support you and your spouse. May that fuel you to work your best and be intentional at your job.

Make time for each other. No matter how busy we are, Lenny and I always have one meal together each day. We sit down and read the Bible and a book on marriage. One day this week, when he was gone for more than twelve hours, he wasn’t hungry, so we just sat on the couch and watched a TV show. I know all the marriage counselors frown at couples watching TV together, but…You try talking to your spouse when he’s been working ten hours straight, and then had to sit in an hour of traffic. At that point, he just wants to decompress and sit with me. And I’m happy to do that. Besides, if you know me, you know that I talk through the whole show anyway! (Blame the writer in me that sees every plot hole and can’t sit still until it’s resolved!). Since my love language is quality time, it is essential for us to have at least an hour a day to sit together and talk.

What do you do when you and your spouse are in a busy season?

Photo by Glenn Carstens-Peters on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

you’ll work, but you’ll love it!

My husband and I are very thankful for the team at Ramsey Solutions. As most of you know, Dave Ramsey has been teaching for 25 years about how to win with money. His motto is, “Live like no one else so that later you can live and give like no one else.” Along with his radio show, where he helps people get out of debt and build wealth, he has also employed several “Ramsey personalities” to focus on specific areas of financial struggles. One of those personalities is Ken Coleman, who talks about what you were born to do. He helps you find your dream job, and discusses practical steps of how to get there.

A couple of weeks ago I was starting to feel discontent at my job. But, after listening to Ken Coleman’s podcast, I realized that I’m doing exactly what I enjoy doing. I’m doing exactly what I’m good at doing. As he would say, I’m in my “sweet spot.”

Ken Coleman taught me how to truly pursue my dream. My dream is to work from home as a freelance editor. I’ve always imagined working in my home office, typing away at my computer, making myself available for my friends and family. What’s stopping me from pursuing a freelance editing career? If I really thought about it, nothing. (Visit this page if you need me to take a look at your novel!).

Through this season of self-discovery, God affirmed my identity in Him. He truly has called me to work where I am now. After years of uncertainty, now it is clear: He loves me, and He is pleased with me. Thank you, God!

Did you know that God intended for us to enjoy work? Work was actually assigned to us before the Fall, so it is not a punishment for our sin. God gave us land to work and oversee (see Genesis 1-3). As a result of the Fall, we now struggle in our jobs (and have work anxiety), but we don’t have to.

Here are some ways to fall in love with your job again!

  • Discover your dream job. Ken Coleman encourages his listeners to find our talents (what we’re good at) and our passions (what we enjoy doing). That is where you will find your “sweet spot.” Take some time to think about what you’ve always loved doing, and what you are good at doing. Then, think about what jobs will help you feel that sense of fulfillment. You now have your dream job!
  • Remember why. Sorry to break it to you, but most likely, you will not get your dream job overnight. You might have to go to school. You might have to get a dead-end job to build up experience or an income to fuel your vision. You may need to pay off debt! If you are not in your dream job, remember why. Why are you pursuing this career path? How is this job going to help you in the long run?
  • Maybe it’s not about your dream job. You may not enjoy your job for legitimate reasons. Your boss treats you like garbage. You have a conflict with your co-worker. The commute is way too long. The pay may be terrible. Before leaving the field where you work, try to pinpoint what about your job you don’t like. Do you fundamentally not enjoy what you do, or do you need a change of environment? Knowing the difference between a toxic work environment and not being in your dream job can change your attitude about your work ethic, and, dare I say it, your identity as an employee.
  • Search wisely. If your current job isn’t going to help you in the long run, maybe you need to look for another job. Before making the jump, consider why you want to leave your job. Holding nothing back, write down all the reasons why the idea of going back to work makes you sick to your stomach. Then, when you search for a new job, make sure the company doesn’t have those things on your list! Ask employees of those prospective companies about the work culture. Research the salaries they offer. Check the job description!

As the popular phrase goes, “If you love your job, you’ll never work another day in your life.” Unfortunately, that’s not true. You will work, but you will love what you do. According to Scripture, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, working for the Lord, not for men” (Colossians 3:23). What makes your heart come alive? Pursue a job where you can love what you do, and your work will bring glory to the One who created you.

Photo by Hunters Race on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

How to Speak Clearly and Effectively

Well, I said I’d do it. So here it is, a blog post on how to speak clearly and effectively with others.

Speaking clearly is difficult for me. I’m afraid of how the other person will react, so I usually cover it up with side comments, filler words, and half-truths. I’m not very clear because I want to protect the person in front of me. Little do I know that I’m setting myself up for failure when I have to hurt both of us by eventually telling her the truth.

Being clear is important for those of us who suffer with anxiety because when we have anxiety, we tend to have a problem figuring out what’s going on inside of us. We usually don’t know how to communicate what we’re feeling, what happened, or what symptoms we’re experiencing. Then, when we finally figure out our triggers, it is difficult for us to communicate with those who’ve hurt us, if necessary.

Now, before I discuss how to speak more clearly, it is worth mentioning that communication is a two-way street. There have been times when I’ve said all that I’ve needed to say in as eloquent a matter as possible, only to be met with two blank eyes staring back at me. When listening, here are some things to consider:

  • Be present : Just because you are hearing does not mean you are listening. Instead of getting distracted, be intentional about giving the speaker your full, undivided attention.
  • Don’t listen to respond; listen to understand : You may have a lot to say about what the speaker is telling you, whether to defend yourself or to contribute to the conversation. However, the speaker may have some valuable information that can be helpful or interesting to you.
  • Repeat for comprehension : To make sure you are on the same page, you might want to repeat what you’ve heard. Ask, “Are you saying that…?”
  • Be patient : Let the person speak. It is difficult to communicate from the heart, and if he has to do that, give him some time. Don’t be quick to judge or defend, but truly seek out a healthy relationship.

For the speakers, here is how to speak more clearly and be understood:

  • Write down/rehearse : Especially if you are anxious, write down your thoughts. It’ll help clear your head and find the main idea. For your own benefit, you can write down what you need to communicate and the feelings behind that message. If someone hurt you, why did it hurt you? If you have something important to say to your boss, why is it important to you?
  • Stick to the main idea : It is possible to talk a lot and yet communicate nothing. Remember the point and stick to it.
  • Line your words up with your actions : If you communicate your desires, your boundaries, or your feelings, make sure you follow through with your actions. Parents know this better than anyone. When you take the time to effectively communicate to your children why you are not letting them have dessert because of how they misbehaved, but they give you the teary eyes and you cave and let them have dessert anyway, you are not communicating clearly.
  • Be patient : The listener may not understand right away, but keep trying. Be patient with yourself as well as the listener. Your message is worth saying, and worth hearing.

The Bible speaks against giving a false testimony to your neighbor, so it is highly valuable to communicate as truthfully as possible without sugar coating anything. Overall, be patient with one another. Even if you both speak the same language, you have two different mindsets. Effective communication takes time to learn; that’s why it’s called a skill.

Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Choose Your Battles

Since I’ve had to go through some tough love recently, I have some tough love for you, friend:

If you can’t control your anxiety, your anxiety will control you.

In 2014, a dear friend of mine prayed for me and encouraged me with this word: You’re stronger than you think. I have never forgotten that, because it was something I didn’t believe. I think that I’m weak because I have anxiety. But that’s a lie. Anxiety does not have power over me. I am stronger than my fear by the grace of God.

When facing my fears, I choose my battles. There are some fights I’m not willing to engage in, where I let anxiety be my excuse, but there are some fights where I take out my biggest weapon and attack it head-on.

One of those fears is being on stage, being the center of attention. My best friend just got married this weekend. I was so incredibly happy for her, and I was blessed to be one of her bridesmaids. However, I couldn’t shake the fear of standing on the steps at the front of the church, where anyone could be looking at me. Leading up to the wedding, I realized that this fear was totally selfish. This was my friend’s day, not mine. Not a single eye was looking at me during the ceremony, and that’s the way it should be. Instead of letting the fear stop me from enjoying the ceremony, I filled my mind with the reminder that I was doing this for her, and for her and her husband’s commitment to God. By standing up there, I wasn’t just facing my fear; I was displaying to her and to everyone else that I supported her union to her husband and that I believed that God is at the center of their marriage. That is something worth fighting for.

Another one of those fears is flying. My fear if flying is debilitating. Most people get scared going through security, but I’m scared once the cabin door is shut and we have no way out until we land on the other side (even just writing that made it difficult to breathe!). On the flight, I shake uncontrollably, my muscles tense up, and I usually end up crying. Like, ugly crying. However, I love to travel. I want to see the world with my husband and my family. My husband’s family also lives in another state, and we have to fly to see them. When my grandfather was alive, he made a vow that he would never fly because it scared him too much. I cannot and will not do that. So I do whatever it takes to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepare myself for the flight. I remind myself that whatever is waiting on the other side of the plane is worth the panic attacks.

Some anxiety is not worth fighting. I don’t go on roller coasters because the five seconds of thrill I’d feel conquering my fear is not worth day-long stress I would feel leading up to the experience. I don’t go on high ropes courses or go bungee jumping or sky diving because I’m afraid of heights; I have given up on the desire to add those things to my bucket list.

When you’re panicking, ask yourself: If I fight my fear, will it be worth it? My criterion for choosing my battle is: Will conquering my fear help me and my loved ones? Choosing to fight against my fear of being on stage helped me to celebrate with my friend and to show my support for her. Choosing to fight against my fear of flying helps me to enjoy God’s creation and to spend time with my loved ones. Although it may take time to fully overcome my fear, chopping away at the wall of fear a little bit at a time will eventually make the wall crumble.

You are indeed stronger than you think. God has great plans for you, and He will give you strength to fight each battle that comes your way. Today, try to conquer fear a little bit at a time. If you need help, reach out to a friend. I’m always here if you need prayer or encouragement!

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” -2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Photo by Henry Hustava on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Do it Scared

I am excited to announce that I am now a freelance writer and editor! This dream was birthed in me at the young age of six, when I realized I could write books for kids who loved reading, just like me. Thank you to the people in college who told me I should major in English (I didn’t listen), and to my family and friends for supporting me in this transition. While I will be writing several books and waiting for them to be selected for publication, I will also be offering writing and editing services to those who want to make their writing dreams a reality.

Although this has been a dream of mine, I woke up this morning with a sense of fear. What if I put myself out there and nobody bites? What if people don’t like me? What if they find out that I’m not perfect? The good-girl Christian in me says, “God has a plan! It’ll all work out in the end! Don’t be afraid!” We tend to be scared of being scared, so we put a spiritual band-aid on our fear and call it a day. However, I’m still afraid! I’ve never done this before. Fear is a natural response to the unknown.

To help me launch my career, my husband bought me a copy of the book Business Boutique by Christy Wright, a professional who helps women start their own businesses doing what they love. In one of the beginning chapters of the book, she wrote about fear in starting your own business. Fear is normal, and everyone experiences fear at one point or another. Her solution? “We just do it scared” (15).

As I re-read through Chapter 2, “Fear is Normal,” Wright only mentions that phrase a few times. However, after reading all 19 chapters of her book, I can clearly remember that phrase as my takeaway. If we only did things when we weren’t afraid, we would miss out on a lot of life. I’m actually more afraid of settling than neglecting my dreams. What is more fearful to you, being stuck in a job that isn’t your passion for the rest of your life, or taking a leap of faith and risking it all to pursue your dreams? Doesn’t the latter option sound like a movie?

A few people in my audience struggle with anxiety like me. I used to get scared just going out to eat with friends. You may get scared going to parties or traveling or visiting certain places or even not having plans. Going on retreats as a teenager, the staff members would tell us to aim for our yellow zone. The green zone is our comfort zone, and the red zone is our debilitating fear. While high ropes courses might be easy as pie for you, they make me nauseous and dizzy; I literally can’t move when I get to a certain height. Doing something in your yellow zone is doing something that stretches you just enough not to break you.

If you feel God calling you to do something in your red zone, which is quite possible, have grace with yourself to take baby steps there. If you are scared of publishing a book about your traumatic past, start off small by sharing your story with a trusted friend or a small group of people. No matter what you do, don’t let fear keep you from doing what you love and what you feel God is calling you to do.

Here are some quotes that I found when searching the phrase “Do it scared.” May they inspire you to pursue your passion, even if you have to do it scared:

“If you’re afraid, don’t do it. If you’re doing it, don’t be afraid!”-Genghis Khan

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

“What you feel doesn’t matter in the end; it’s what you do that makes you brave.” – Andre Agassi

“Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the absence of self.” – Erwin McManus

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”-Marianne Williamson

Photo by Kristina Wagner on Unsplash

Categories
Wisdom Wednesday

Let’s Be Honest

I walk through the church atrium, greeted by many smiling faces.  “How are you?” they ask me, already knowing my answer.  “I’m good, how are you?”  Their smiles grow wider when they act exactly the way that they expect.  “Good!” they reply enthusiastically.

Little do they know that I’m not really “good.”  The truth is: I’m hurting inside, but I don’t want to talk about it.  I’d rather stuff it deeper and hide behind a polite smile.  I lift my hands in worship, putting on a show rather than truly surrendering to God, fearing that if I didn’t lift my hands, someone would ask me what was wrong.  The pastor leads us in prayer at the end of the service, but all I want to do is go home.

Sadly, I lived for too long under the mask of false positivity and rehearsed answers.  Sadly, people I love have lived the same way.  Sadly, the world makes it nearly impossible to be honest with others, with ourselves, and with God.

I believe that a huge portion of my anxiety was a result of hiding my feelings and being dishonest with those around me.  I would walk through life as if I was carrying a big package and I could never put it down.  It was difficult to breathe under the weight of my hurt.

Someone recently asked me if it was normal to be upset at God.  Learning to be honest with God was so liberating.  For most of my life, I believed that emotions were bad.  I believed that I should avoid emotions at all cost and just focus on the positive.  After all, the Bible says to give thanks in all circumstances.  Doesn’t that mean it’s a sin not to be thankful at any given moment?  But after meeting some great accountability partners in college, I learned that the Bible had a lot to say about being honest with our emotions!

Yes, it is normal to be upset with God.  Think about it.  God is sovereign over everything.  He can easily stop whatever is going on that is causing you pain or frustrating you.  He can easily heal me from my anxiety.  He can easily make the cars part on the parkway so that I have no traffic on the way home.  But for some reason that we don’t understand, He’s not stopping the pain or the confusion.

The beautiful thing about honesty is that it shows God your heart. I believe that God would rather have an honest worshiper who was angry than a fake worshiper who was happy. Psalm 51:17 says that God will not despise a broken and contrite spirit.

The Psalms are filled with honest prayers to God that make you wonder “Should those really be in the Bible?” As a matter of fact, David prays that his enemies’ babies would be dashed against the rocks (see Psalm 137). That’s obviously really extreme, but it shows how much anger was in David’s prayers. He was angry that his enemies had taken Israel into captivity; he was removed from his homeland and all he wanted to do was go back.

I sometimes drive home from work and simply ask God “Why?”  Why do I have to sit in this traffic?  Why do I still have anxiety?  Why is life so difficult?  The world calls this complaining, but I call it honesty.  The key to being honest with God about our emotions is that we must not stop there.  The Psalms never ended on a bad note and neither should we.  David would pour out his anger, sadness, and anxiety to God…but then he would declare his complete trust to God.

“God, I’m sad.  I’m angry.  Why is this happening?  Although I don’t understand what You’re doing, I trust that You will work all of this out for good, and You will never leave me or forsake me because You love me.”

I don’t know how long this season of questioning will last for you.  I don’t know what God has for you in the next season. All I know is that when you are honest with God, and you surrender your hurt, confusion, or anger to Him, you will grow closer to Him. It may be a daily surrender instead of a one-and-done deal. You may go to bed one day and surrender your hurts to Him, and wake up the next morning and still have the hurt. Keep surrendering, and then remind yourself of the hope you have in Christ.

 

Photo by Geetanjal Khanna on Unsplash

Categories
Throwback Thursday

#ThrowbackThursday to When I Wanted to Give Up

I remember when I wanted to quit my retail job three years ago.

Let’s just say, my calling was definitely not folding clothes and handling money all day.  I had a Teaching English as a Foreign Language Certificate and a Bachelor of Arts in Intercultural Studies under my belt, and I was itching to travel, teaching English and writing for God’s glory.  If I could do the exact opposite of that, I felt like it would have been something similar to folding clothes and handling money!

Eventually, my time at the mall came to a close, and I was on to bigger and better things.  I started working at a bookstore, and then at my current job as an Administrative Assistant.  Despite my disgust at the minimum wage jobs that I had in the past (except for my job as a Consultant at the Writing Center!) I thank God that He used each of those transitional jobs to bring me one step closer to the person that He has called me to be.

I feel like we are trained to always wait for the next best thing.  From an early age, we go from preschool to kindergarten, then prepare for elementary school in kindergarten, then prepare for middle school in elementary school, then prepare for high school in middle school, then prepare for college in high school, then prepare for grad school in your undergrad, and then prepare for your full-time career in college.  We’re always preparing, but what are we preparing for?

The point of the article I wrote a few years ago was that no matter what season we are in, we should always give our best.  If you have senioritis and just want to graduate, take a deep breath and pause.  You only get to be a high school/college senior once; live it up!  If you are single and just want to find someone, take a deep breath and pause.  Once you are married, you have a long life ahead of you with that person; learn to take advantage of your free time and wholehearted devotion to God. If you are in an in-between job and just want to quit, take a deep breath and pause.  God has given you a unique opportunity right where you are, and He is training you through it!

So, how can we give our best in the season we are in, even if we don’t feel our best?

Be thankful.  God is sovereign and God is faithful.  He has allowed you to have this job/relationship status/apartment/time at school for a reason.  Think about what blessings can come out of the situation.

Be honest.  It may be difficult for you to praise God for this season.  Let Him know that!  He loves you.  He would rather have an honestly angry person than a fake happy person.  Plus, sharing your struggles with God brings you closer to Him.  Continue to stay connected with God, even when you don’t understand where He’s leading you.

Be surrounded.  As a woman in my mid-20s, I know I’m not alone in my struggle to find contentment.  People my age are all in different stages of life.  Some are single, while others are married with kids.  Some are stuck in part-time jobs, while others are well into their careers.  Some can travel, while others are trying to budget.  When I surround myself with Christian women who are fighting the same fight as me, it encourages me not to give up.

Be joyful.  Even in the midst of trials, we are called to be joyful.  Joy, I’ve learned, is meant to be shared.  If you’re at a job that isn’t exactly your calling, it might be a challenge to always have a smile on your face.  However, joy changes the atmosphere.  As God changes your perspective, others will notice, and they will be encouraged to find joy as well.

All of these points focus on becoming.  Through trials and transitions, we become more thankful, we become more honest, we become more encouraged, and we become more joyful.  God is more focused on changing our hearts than changing our circumstances.  Let Him grow you through these uncomfortable times.

 

Thank you to Unsplash for always providing great stock photos for me to use for my Featured Image.  This one was by Dhruva Reddy on Unsplash