Tag: marriagemonday

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Marriage

Love Unites

Who’s been waiting for this one? Raises hand. I’m so excited to finally delve into this topic of scorekeeping in marriage.

Did anyone keep boyfriend or girlfriend points when they were dating? This habit is behavior modification for your significant other. If your girlfriend does something good, you give her some girlfriend points. If your girlfriend does something bad, she’s able to use the points that she earned from doing something good so that you can’t get mad at her. Same is true for boyfriends.

Not surprisingly, this concept of keeping score in marriage is not biblical. Love does not keep score. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love does not seek to be right, to get even, or to insist on its own way.

My husband and I are both very competitive. Our families love to play games, and for some reason, they think it’s funny to pitch us against each other. People think I’m joking when I say that we will tear each other apart, but I’m pretty serious. In competitions, there is no love. There’s only rising to the top, beating down anyone who tries to get in our way.

For our marriage’s sake, we typically play group games where my husband and I are on a team together. Otherwise, my husband gets his feelings hurt when he loses to me (haha)! But seriously, we dominate when we are put on a team together. With my husband’s ability to think outside the box and quick reflexes, and my book knowledge and uncanny ability to guess when I don’t know the answer, we work so well together as a team. We are both independent and able to plan our own strategies, but we know that we can do better when we work together.

Because of the competitiveness of our world, it’s easy to keep score, to save a spouse’s mistake in your back pocket for when he’s mad at you, to prove that you’re right. However, that is not how God intended for us to live. He created us for community, so that we can work together and get even more accomplished. Scorekeeping divides, but love unites.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV).

In this passage, Paul uses the imagery of clothing. In the previous part of the chapter, we are told to put off our old ways and to put on these new attributes described above. My previous co-worker and I would make a practice out of pretending to put on new clothes as we listed each one: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love. Love binds all these attributes together. Scorekeeping divides, but love unites.

So, when I am dealing with my spouse, whom I am called to love, I must actively pursue the attributes listed in this verse. It is like getting dressed in the morning, an act that involves taking off my pajamas and putting on my #ootd. When I was in sin, those old habits (anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language) served to keep me in my sinful ways, but now that Christ’s death and resurrection has made me a new creation, it’s time to wake up. I must change out of my lazy pajamas and put on the clothes that show I’m ready to seize the day, confidently walking in the light of the Lord.

We are called by God to deal with others as God has dealt with us. “Forgive as God has forgiven you.” It’s hard to read verses that quote Jesus saying that God will not forgive us if we do not forgive others. He alludes to this idea several times in Scripture. If God has forgiven me from all my sin, why should I not forgive my husband for unintentionally hurting me one time? And if I don’t forgive my husband for ruffling my feathers a little bit, what does that say about my attitude toward God forgiving me for turning my back on Him and messing up so many times? Scorekeeping divides, but love unites.

Do not let bitterness keep you from loving your spouse the way that God calls you to love him/her. Be quick to forgive, talking to each other when necessary. You’ll know when it’s necessary, because you won’t be able to sleep at night. Instead of competing with one another, work together. Trust me when I say that you can accomplish much more together than separately.

Photo by Photos by Lanty on Unsplash

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Marriage

Self is Blinding

I was not fully aware of the fact that I was that bad until I got married.

Before I got married, I didn’t have anyone in my life to “tell it like it is,” to make me aware of things I needed to improve in my attitude, behavior, or way of thinking. Of course, people tried, but I would justify my actions and wave away their suggestions. When you’re married, however, you can’t justify your actions as easily.

The best cure for selfishness is to take advice from the only person who knows what your morning breath smells like.

Since being married, I’ve learned that I talk a lot about myself, I overfill the garbage can, and I don’t listen as well as I’d like. Sometimes I can be grumpy, and sometimes my words can offend people. When my normally-quiet husband talks to me in general, I treasure his few words like gold. But when he says things about me that rub me the wrong way and make me uncomfortable (but are true), I have to hold that with the same weight that I hold his compliments.

There’s this running joke among married people that the things that were cute little quirks about your boyfriend or girlfriend are the things that bother you the most when you’re married. We laugh about it, but I believe that there is a purpose for this. It reminds me of our relationship with God. When God draws us into a relationship with Him, He accepts us, flaws and all. But as we grow closer to Him, He begins to show us things in our lives that we need to change.

Whether your husband leaves his dirty socks all over the floor, talks with his mouth full, or always leaves late, you may think it’s a funny trait at first, a quirky part of him that you can deal with. In the beginning, you are infatuated with everything about that person, even habits that you never put on your “list” for a potential mate. However, over time, as you’re picking up his socks, becoming nauseated by the food hanging out of his mouth, and arriving to events late, you may discover that these “little” things that bother you are not so little anymore. These are things that may bother you because they need to change. You can find healthy and polite ways to share your frustrations with your spouse in love. Then, when you share the things that bother you to your spouse, it is up to your spouse to make the decision to change. You don’t have to parent him and make him follow your every command.

Admittedly, it’s more fun to be on the giving end of criticism than on the receiving end. However, both sides are important, and need to be dealt with in love. If I’m giving criticism to someone else, I need to make sure that my words are not condemning or insulting. There’s a difference between, “Why don’t you pick up your socks? You’re so lazy!” and “Honey, I notice that you leave your socks on the floor, and I would appreciate if you put them in the hamper.”

If I’m accepting criticism from my spouse, I cannot harden my heart. I have to trust that my husband loves me enough to tell me the truth. Although it feels like his criticism of me is an attack, his criticism is simply a way for me to grow. If I disagree, I don’t have to snap at him. If I want to explain myself, I should use my words wisely.

In both of these situations, we should be praying. We love because God first loved us (1 John 4:19). Therefore, God will show us how to love our spouses, no matter if we’re pointing out a flaw, or accepting criticism about one of our own flaws. Remember that the ultimate goal is to grow closer together so that you can serve God better together.

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Marriage

Showing Honor to Your Spouse

“I see London, I see France, I can see your underpants!” My aunt sang as I hid my three-year-old face into the couch after a temper tantrum. It seemed that the skirt of my dress had lifted up and my white underwear was exposed for all to see. I had brought dishonor on my parents, who had taken the time to dress me properly and who had taught me never to show my underpants to anyone in public.

The English word for “honor” connotes giving respect to those in authority over us. We honor our parents and grandparents. We honor our teachers. We honor our governing officials. We honor our bosses. However, how do we show honor to our spouses, who are supposed to be equal to us?

The Greek word that is used in 1 Corinthians 13:5 for “dishonor” (aschemonei) is translated as “acts unbecomingly.” Strong’s Greek Concordance uses the definition “to prepare disgrace for another,” while HELPS Word-Studies describes the Greek word for “dishonor” as “to lack proper form.” It turns out that my little reveal as a three-year-old was the perfect example of showing dishonor. I lacked the proper form of how a little girl should act. I was preparing disgrace for my parents as well as myself by exposing my little booty.

The only other time that this Greek word is used in Scripture is in 1 Corinthians 7, when Paul talks about an engagement relationship: “If anyone is worried that he might not be acting honorably toward the virgin he is engaged to, and if his passions are too strong and he feels he ought to marry, he should do as he wants. He is not sinning. They should get married” (v 36, NIV). The word has nothing to do with how the “other” is acting in this case; it only deals with the self. If you are not doing what you are supposed to do, you are showing dishonor. This thinking reveals that we should lay down our pride so that we can show honor to our spouses.

Practically, if you are not in a marriage relationship, but you are acting like you are (if you know what I mean), you are showing dishonor to your significant other. It is not a sin to get married, but it is a sin to act like you’re married when you aren’t. Everyone who has ever gotten married knows the pressure to have the biggest, most expensive wedding. However, there is no wedding more beautiful than a couple who puts all that glamour and glitz off the pedestal and focuses on showing honor to each other.

In February of 2016, my husband and I had to choose between waiting two years and waiting nine months to get married. We realized that if we kept waiting, we could have compromised, and we could have shown dishonor to one another by acting like we were married when we weren’t. We were married in November of 2016 with no regrets and with anticipation of starting our lives together.

If you are married, you can show honor to your spouse through the dictionary definition of showing honor, acting true to the form of a good spouse. Remember that the world is watching you, and they are looking for an example of what a God-centered marriage looks like. How are you going to show them that God is at the center of your marriage?

Honoring always involves looking up. Although our spouses are equal to us, we all have a standard to follow. God gives us a standard for how we should treat our spouses in Ephesians 5: women are to submit to their husbands, and men are to love their wives. That is how you show honor to your spouse.

Ultimately, when we honor others, we honor God. God will show us how to honor our spouses through His Word and through the work that He does in our hearts. If you have been acting dishonorably toward your spouse, the first step is to ask for forgiveness, both from your spouse and from God. If you trust God, He will show you how to bring honor to your spouse and how to be an example of a good marriage in a world that so desperately needs love.

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Marriage

Boasting in Marriage

It feels like overnight (or maybe I just noticed it), we have developed this thought that everyone wants to know everything about our lives. Instagram is filled with pictures of people at graduation parties, smoothie recipes that we need to try, new houses, couples, or children. Not that any of these things are wrong, but sometimes I wonder: why are we sharing these pictures on social media?

We believe what’s important to “me” must be important to everyone.

God has been tearing down my pride in my marriage by shutting me up. In the beginning of our relationship, we agreed about everything. We always communicated and understood what we had to say. Now all of a sudden, we’re having communication problems and we have discussions, not unanimous decisions. I’m sure I have a part to play in this, but I’m convinced that it’s because my husband is voicing his opinion more, and I’m actually listening (*insert mindblown explosion noise here*). I tell my husband that he needs to talk more, but maybe I need to stop talking more and start listening more.

Marriage is all about surrender: surrender first to Christ, and then to one another. Love does not boast, because boasting breaks this pattern of surrender. When I boast, I inadvertently elevate myself above my spouse. In the middle of an argument, boasting looks like fighting for why I am right and my husband is wrong. While making decisions, boasting looks like advocating for my perspective and ignoring my husband’s. When we have guests over and they admire our decorations or the cooking, boasting looks like taking all the credit and talking endlessly about my homemaking skills, giving no notice to my husband’s input.

A husband and wife are meant to be a team, not competitors. In Romans 12, Paul talks about how to be a living sacrifice for Christ, how to worship Him with our lives. Several translations of verse 10 of that chapter indicate that we should “outdo one another in showing honor.” If you are going to boast or compete about anything, it should be, I love and serve my spouse better than he/she serves me! What a great goal to have, because it keeps your eyes constantly off yourself and on your spouse. All the while, you’re doing this to honor Christ.

I believe that the antidote for boasting is two-fold: thinking less of yourself and thinking more of others. First and foremost, we should elevate Christ in our lives and in our marriages. As a married couple, one great way for you to elevate Christ in your marriage is to talk and think highly of your spouse. In the middle of an argument, take time to pray (literally kneel in the middle of arguing if you have to!), and seek to listen to your spouse’s point of view. While making decisions, make sure that both you and your spouse have had a chance to voice your opinions before signing on the dotted line. When you have guests over, give glory to God that He brought you together, and talk about all the work your spouse did to make your house what it is. Even if you did everything but your spouse put mounting tape on the wall so you can hang up one picture, find something nice to say about that picture!

Ultimately, our boast should be in the Lord.

“This is what the Lord says:

‘Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
    or the strong boast of their strength
    or the rich boast of their riches,
but let the one who boasts boast about this:
    that they have the understanding to know me,
that I am the Lord, who exercises kindness,
    justice and righteousness on earth,
    for in these I delight,’
declares the Lord.”

-Jeremiah 9:23-24

 

The cool thing is that when we humble ourselves, God exalts us (see James 4:6). Like the image above, the flower is held up by a hand, and someone is taking a picture of it. The flower is beautiful, but it doesn’t have to scream, “Look how beautiful I am! Notice me! Love me!” The person taking a picture saw the beauty of this flower and held it in a way that naturally elevated it. God does the same with us. Instead of trying to convince everyone that we are beautiful or smart or really good at something, let us stop talking for just one second and let God has to say about us. And hey, you never know; maybe your spouse has something nice to say too!

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Marriage

Kindness in Marriage

While writing this series, I tried to think of which characteristic describes my husband the best. Out of all the attributes of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13, my husband is mostly kind. He has a sweet demeanor about him, and everything he does for me exudes love. He wakes me up every morning with a kiss. He makes me lunch and thanks me for cleaning the house. Before leaving for work, he always gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me. If there’s an accident on the way to work, he lets me know where there’s heavy traffic and which roads to avoid. Throughout the day, he’ll text me just to tell me he’s thinking of me. When he comes home, we’ll eat dinner together, pray for each other, and kiss each other goodnight. There is no doubt that my husband loves me. These may seem like little things to some people, but that’s what kindness is: finding ways to actively display your love.

Based on a combination of definitions from dictionary.com, kindness flows from a desire to do good to others. Kindness is an action. While patience invokes an image of sitting quietly, waiting for a wish to be fulfilled, kindness stirs up the image of holding the door open for someone or presenting a gift. Even a smile, the act of contorting one’s face to a pleasing and attractive expression, involves an action. Kindness is not meant to sit still, but to move. Kindness is not meant to be kept within, but to be shown.

As the wonderful band dc Talk taught us back in the 90’s, “luv is a verb.” The way love is displayed is through kindness. You cannot be kind without love, and you cannot show love without kindness. We all know how to show kindness, but it’s not always easy. After a long day of work, you may be short tempered. Instead of showing love to your spouse, you are unkind. You snap, you insult, you make a rude comment, or you explode. By being unkind, you are withholding love from your spouse.

With that in mind, when you are interacting with your spouse, consider how you can best show love to him/her. Go out of your way to make dinner, give him a kiss, or bring home a special surprise. If you are like me and your fatigue makes you grumpy, be honest with your spouse. “Hey, sweetie, I had a long day at work. I’m sorry if I’m not myself tonight. I love you and appreciate you!”

You don’t have to spend a lot of time, money, or energy to show kindness to your spouse. While I’m sure they would appreciate a surprise vacation, a massage, or a fancy dinner, your spouse will also appreciate a home-cooked meal, a hand-written love note, or a simple compliment. I even consider it kindness when my husband listens to me vent without interrupting. I show kindness to him by speaking highly of him in front of others and writing him notes (as a writer, what better way to show my affection to my husband than to do what I love?).

The Bible says that God is love. God is the only one who can be infinitely and perfectly kind (see Titus 3:4-6). When we want to argue with or act selfish toward our spouses, we can rely on God to give us the grace we need to be kind. When we’re tired and don’t have an ounce of energy to do for our spouses, we can rely on God to fill us with love for our spouses and empower us to show kindness to them. May our desire for love ultimately lead us to the Savior, who loves us with an everlasting love.

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Marriage

Patience in Marriage

Hey everyone! I’m back. My book is edited, and I’m now in the process of researching for my book so that I can submit it to a publisher with knowledge of the market under my belt. You thought that writing a book was simply putting words on a page and selling it, but there is so much more than that. Praise God that He has taken a newbie like me and has used me for His glory!

For now, God has called me to write, and that’s why I’m here. I am going to be creating an author website, submitting my book to multiple publishers, and doing tons of praying in the coming weeks, but for now I am going to bring a blog post to you (as promised) on 1 Corinthians 13 displayed in a marriage.

Today is my husband’s birthday. I’m so proud of who he has become and who God is calling him to be. When I met him, he was at the ripe young age of 21, two years shy of graduating college. As God was leading us to a dating relationship, He gave me hope that we would grow together. That young man that was about to be my boyfriend was going to go through many changes in his life, and I was about to have a front-row seat into those experiences. In the three years we’ve known each other, he has changed jobs twice, his faith has strengthened, and his boldness and self-confidence has drastically improved.

Love is patient. When we hear the word “patience,” we automatically think of waiting. It’s hard to believe that there’s waiting after the “happily ever after.” However, marriage consists of waiting, both for your spouse and with your spouse.

Just as I watched my husband grow, my husband has also been so patient with me. I am easily angered (especially after 10:00PM) and my poor husband has had to suffer the brunt of a lot of my outrages. He also lets me vent when I have a bad day and he listens to my stories even while he’s struggling to stay awake. My husband is patient with me. He waits for me to grow and to learn and to apologize. I do the same for him. We also seek to be patient with each other’s quirks, friends and family members, and schedules.

My husband and I are patient with each other right before bed. I covet my sleep; if I don’t get enough sleep, I get short-tempered and depressed. My husband can fall asleep once his head hits the pillow. When we go to bed, we both have different patterns; while I need quiet and darkness to go to sleep, my husband likes to watch videos and read articles on his phone to unwind. In the beginning of our marriage, this used to be a source of conflict for us. But as we’ve learned that we’re two different people, we’ve learned to compromise. My husband makes sure we say our prayers before he goes on his phone so I’m not waiting for him, and I make sure to face the other way and cover my eyes if needed.

I’ve written before about how sometimes we want to change or control our spouses. Maybe your spouse doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you on everything. Maybe your spouse has a short-temper or comes home too late from work. Keep praying for him/her, and ask God to give you patience. God will give you a front row seat into the work that He will do in your spouse’s life.

In marriage, a couple also needs to wait together. You may be waiting to have children. You may be waiting for financial freedom, to finally declare that you are debt free. You may be saving up your pennies to own a house one day. You may be waiting for your children to find their way in the world. Love involves patience, not just with your spouse, but with the people and circumstances that surround you and your spouse.

The Bible says that God is love. God is the only one who can be infinitely and perfectly patient (1 Timothy 1:16). When we want to scream and talk down to our spouses, we can rely on God to give us the strength we need to be patient. When we’re waiting for a season to end, or for a new season to begin, we can rely on God to lead our paths and bring us closer to our spouses through the waiting. May our desire for love ultimately lead us to the Savior, who loves us with an everlasting love.

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Marriage

What are You Fighting For?

Being married has been a source of healing from my past. Divorce, promiscuity, and affairs run rampant in our culture, but because of Jesus, we don’t have to live like that anymore. However, one of the silent killers of marriage, which we always have to guard against, is a little thing called gossip.

Call it what you may. Putting down your husband. Choosing sides and asking your relatives to do the same. Harboring bitterness. Venting. Seeking advice from people who delight in evil. Justifying your actions by bouncing your ideas off of someone else.

Or, my personal favorite, just joking around.

I’m convinced that while gossip does not cause divorce, it definitely doesn’t help a marriage stay together. One piece of advice I’ve heard from a lot of people is not to share your problems with your parents. Your parents will always be on your side, not your marriage’s side, so you will always win when you ask them to nurse your wound. But the point of marriage is not to win; the point of marriage is to stay married until death do us part.

Right before I got married, my mom told it to me straight: “If you ever get so mad at your husband that you don’t want to go home, don’t come here. We’ll just send you back home to your husband so you can be reconciled.” Her advice not only showed her support of my marriage, but it also put the responsibility on me and not on her to fix my marriage.

Of course, during the honeymoon stage I didn’t think I could ever be so mad at my husband that I would want to spend time apart from him. However, through the stresses of life and the arguments that make my blood boil, it has been tempting to pick up the phone and call my mom. Just to vent. Just to justify if I’m right. Just to bounce my ideas off of someone who cares. But I can’t sugarcoat it. Gossip is gossip, and I should never put down my husband when I’m talking about him to others.

This message is for two people. First, to spouses: do not develop the habit of going to your parents or other family members to bail you out of your marital problems. If they want to offer you advice, that’s wonderful! Definitely take it, especially if they have a healthy marriage that you want to exemplify in your own marriage. However, don’t go out of your way to put down your husband so that you could prove you’re right, because when you do that, you both lose

Second, family members, parents, or close friends: Do not stick your nose in your loved ones’ marriage. If you want to give advice, it is the responsibility of the receiver to put that advice into practice. Don’t force them to conform to your way. If they come to you for advice and end up putting their spouse down, try to say things to encourage your family member to love his or her spouse again. I don’t care if it’s your son or daughter, your sister or brother, your niece or nephew, your cousin, or a close friend; if you attended their wedding, you made a promise to help them when they are struggling.

I know from experience that it hurts to see a family member fighting with his or her spouse or significant other. I personally want to stick up for my own flesh and blood. However, if the couple is married, that means they made a promise to God to honor one another and to maintain their union to one another in Christ. Help them keep their commitment, instead of telling them to give up on their marriage.

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Marriage

Marriage on Autopilot

My husband and I have some exciting news.  We just moved into our new apartment!  We are so incredibly blessed and we are so thankful for all the help that we received from our friends and family with the move.  We ultimately thank God for providing this place for us after we looked for weeks to find the right living situation.

Before we moved, we had a lot of packing to do.  The packing involved decluttering, mustering up some boxes, organizing our stuff in designated boxes, filling up the U-Haul with all our stuff, taking the stuff out of the car and bringing it into our new apartment, and eating pizza with our friends after we (edit: they) finished all the heavy lifting.  We still have to unpack and clean a bit, but are taking it one box at a time.

After working really hard the past few weeks, move-in day was an absolute breeze.  All the hard work that we had put into the packing process helped us to have a better handle on what is normally a crazy day.  It was like we were on auto-pilot.  I realize when I am stressed, I sort of turn off my emotions and just go.  It makes it easier to focus on what I’m doing instead of how I’m feeling at the moment.  Then, after we get through everything, no matter if I’m happy, sad, angry, or whatever, I start hysterically crying (be prepared for a blog post when that day comes!).

I feel like marriage can be like that sometimes.  I know I’ve talked about how you have to make time to connect with your spouse and there are times when you have to remember why you fell in love.  But after moving, I have been thinking about how some moments just require you to move without thinking, to just get the work done.  You just need to get the boxes inside your new home.  You just need to get to your destination when you’re on vacation.  You just need to get your kids to school in the morning.  You want to be intentional in those moments, but with the nature of how quickly things need to get done, you are sort of in go-mode.

We should not be like this most of the time.  While there are families that move often, most people are not moving out of their house every day.  While people are busy and schedules are packed, our spouse should not come second to these experiences.  These experiences where we are on auto-pilot should be the exception, not the routine.

During our routine, we should be pouring into our marriage, so that when we are on auto-pilot, our love and respect for each other should be ingrained into everything we do.  Create healthy habits every day so that when the stress comes and you find yourself slipping away from your emotions, you can still fall back on those habits. These habits include praying daily for your spouse, controlling your anger, speaking clearly, being thankful for one another, and being quick to forgive.  During those stressful times, these habits will be like a breath of fresh air to your situation.

When we are stressed, the last thing we want to do is be nice to anyone.  As the most impatient person I know, I can be very short-tempered when I have multiple items on my to-do list.  Unfortunately, I don’t practice those habits that I shared when I’m feeling stressed, except praying a quick “God, I need you.”  That’s why I try to keep my stress to a minimum.  The people I love do not deserve to be disrespected, misunderstood, and taken for granted.  I need to practice love, patience, and self-control in every situation, and I can cultivate those fruits in both the calm times and the storms of life.

While we want to constantly have lovey-dovey feelings for our spouses, the reality is that life gets in the way sometimes.  Instead of acting like storms and busyness will never happen, we need to prepare ourselves for when they do.  Make time to connect and relax most of the time, and when you anticipate life is about to get stressful, create a plan that will help to minimize stress.  Ultimately, trust God to prepare you for what is to come.

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Marriage

Did You Marry Your Best Friend?

I had the idea to write this blog, but I had no idea that this topic was so controversial!  I wanted to talk about how much I enjoyed spending time with my husband, and how I consider him my best friend.  But after doing some research, I see that society is torn about whether or not your husband is your best friend.

I’m starting to realize now a year into my marriage that I don’t know everything there is to know about marriage.  I feel like the teenager that knew everything but then realized that life is not what she thought!  So, although what I have been sharing with you all is valid, there is still much I need to learn, and much that I need to learn more before I can say I’ve mastered that topic.

One of those things, apparently, is marrying your best friend.

Now, the question is not should you marry your best friend.  The question is not should your husband be your only friend (I’ve already addressed that question in this post).  The question I am posing here is: Do you enjoy hanging out with your spouse?

I’ve learned that a spouse fulfills many roles. A spouse is a business partner as you manage your finances together and give each other work advice.  A spouse is a house manager as you work together to clean, repair, and organize your living space.  A spouse is an accountability partner as you vent and he/she gives you feedback about your experiences.  A spouse is a parent as you work together to figure out how to raise your kids.

As we grow into adults and have to take on more responsibilities, we see that God intended for our spouses to truly help us live our lives.  Studies show that middle aged people experience a “dip in happiness” due to the stresses of life, but spouses can help cushion that dip with love and support.  However, my warning is to not let your spouse just be your “responsibility sharer.”  What fun would you have if you only talked about paying the bills, Johnny’s trip to the principal’s office, and what to do about the crack in the ceiling?

Before I met my husband, I knew subconsciously that I wanted a man who would be all of these things for me.  Even in my teenage years, I was praying for God to bring me a man like this.  But when I actually met my husband, these things were not on my mind.  These were the actual questions running through my head: Can I talk to him without thinking too hard about what to say?  Does he make me laugh?  Do we enjoy doing similar things?  And, of course, we had great conversations, we laughed together, and we found things to do together that we both enjoyed.

Over time, after getting to know him better, I learned that he would be a great financial adviser; he is good with money and he works hard at whatever he does.  I learned that he would be a great house manager; he looks at our living situation in a way that I don’t and he helps strategize how to best take care of it.  I learned that he would be a great accountability partner; we both follow the word of God, and he is able to tell me the truth in love.  I learned that one day, he would make a great dad; I see how he interacts with children and I know that he will be a great role model for our boys and a gentle protector of our girls.

Don’t forget to enjoy your spouse in the midst of the day-to-day responsibilities.  Go on a journey with your spouse.  Schedule time for just the two of you to have fun and relax.  And remember why you fell in love in the first place.  Marital love is not a business transaction; it is a plant that needs to be cultivated and nurtured in order for it to grow strong and produce fruit in your life.

Photo by Craig Whitehead on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Your Spouse’s Spiritual Journey

I have to make a confession that I cringe every time I hear the term “unequally yoked.”  The Bible is clear against marrying unbelievers.  However, we have also swung to the other side of the pendulum, where people expect their potential partners to know the Bible inside and out and to actually be flawless.  Women want men who are going to be the spiritual leaders of the household, and what that actually means is that they want their men to be responsible for the women’s relationships with God.  I’m here to share that my husband and I weren’t “equally yoked” in that sense of the word when we first started dating.

You see, when I first met my husband, he wasn’t what I would call “more spiritual” than I am.  He didn’t know the Bible as well as I did.  He didn’t even know his testimony!  Over time, I thought that I had made a mistake and was wondering what to do about the situation.

However, after spending more time with him, I realized that he had such great faith.  He served faithfully in the choir.  He made the decision himself to be baptized.  He prayed with me and helped me in ways that I couldn’t help myself grow closer to the Lord.  He served as a leader in the College Ministry.  Love exuded from his spirit as he served and interacted with others.  It was like he had the faith, but he didn’t have the resources to express his faith until recently.  Since I’ve been with my husband, I have watched him grow in ways that have just been beautiful and miraculous.  I’ve seen God answer our prayers together, as well as our prayers separately.

I would have never been involved in God’s miracles if I had believed that we were unequally yoked.

Instead of expecting your husband to be the spiritual leader, I first want to challenge you to think of what that really looks like.  What if you are equally yoked?  What if you expect your husband/future husband to read the Bible every day, and you haven’t touched yours in months?  Before playing the blame game, I want you to take the focus off of the other person and put it right back on yourself.  Just as it says in Luke 6:37, the judgment that you use to judge others will be used to judge you in the same measure.  Make sure that you are right with the Lord before you accuse your current or potential spouse of being spiritually weak.

Second, I want you to understand that spiritually mature looks different for everyone.  I mean, there are some people that you know are not quite right, and that’s because the Holy Spirit is telling you to stay away.  You must see evidence of the fruit that God has produced in their lives, especially through love.  My husband has always been incredibly generous, which demonstrates humility and kindness, and that’s how I see his spiritual maturity.  A spiritually mature person doesn’t have to be a pastor.  A spiritually mature person doesn’t have to lead worship every Sunday.  A spiritually mature person doesn’t even have to talk all that much.  We all have different spiritual gifts, and while some are amazing prayer warriors, and some are wonderful teachers, and some are songwriters for the Lord, there are some who have gifts that aren’t as noticeable.

For those who are married and are waiting for their spouses to spiritually “grow up,” I challenge you to look at your own heart.  Where are you lacking in your faith?  What are some ways where you can grow in your walk with the Lord?  Are you really spiritually mature?  Because if we’re honest, we are never fully matured.  We still have much to learn.  So learn to appreciate the growth that you see in your spouse, and use your faith to pray that he/she grows to be the person that God created him/her to be.

Photo by Mantas Hesthaven on Unsplash