Categories
Book Update

Dedicated to the Dreaming Little Girl

When cleaning through my bookshelf a few months ago, I found a journal that I had to write in for school when I was in second grade. Not only was I a riot of a writer and a spunky child; I was also dedicated and I believed in myself. I did not know the Lord yet, but the Lord knew me, and he had a plan for me that I believe started with a little seed He planted deep in my heart.

On January 31, 2000 (more than 18 years ago!), my seven-year-old self wrote: “I can be a writer and write a lot of books. I will write stories at school and draw pictures, like now. And when I get to be a grown-up, I will make thousands of books.”

If only she knew what she would become. If only she knew what would happen to her. Just thinking about the goodness of God in the mess of my life brings tears to my eyes.

When I was a little girl, I loved to read. Not only did I enjoy stories, but I also enjoyed words. I prided myself in being the best reader in kindergarten, and then in getting an award for my writing in first and second grade. My dream of writing books stemmed out of my passion for reading and for words. I didn’t want to make a name for myself. I didn’t want to make money. At seven years old, I wanted to write a book that children like me would enjoy.

Don’t worry, little dreamer, your time is coming soon.

I had written those words just before my life took a turn for the worst. When I wrote these words, I didn’t know what anxiety was at the time. I didn’t know what divorce was at the time. I didn’t know that my puppy that I was excited to get would only live a few months before he was tragically hit by a car. I thought evil stepparents only existed in fairy tales. But shortly after I composed this journal, I learned the true weight of evil in the world, and I suffered greatly because of it.

I’ve written a book about a woman who struggles with anxiety and faith. At that young age of seven, I’d gone to Sunday school and had learned a foundation for my future relationship with Christ, but I did notĀ know HimĀ yet. This book will be what my seven-year-old self needed, the weapons she needed to slay the beasts that were attacking her poor innocent soul.

Just like my seven-year-old self predicted, I already have three other ideas for adult fiction, and I have one idea for a children’s book. It’s not quite a thousand, but it’s close.

They say that the first book is the most difficult to publish traditionally. However, once I learn the market, once I find my voice, they say it will be like clockwork. After writing the first one, I’ll be able to write thousands after that.

Don’t worry, little dreamer, your time is coming soon.

I dedicate my first novel, and every novel after that, to my seven-year-old self, the girl who believed in me when no one else did, the girl who had a dream and who wanted it to be done. If she was ever able to jump into a time machine and come talk to me now, to ask me if I ever became a writer, I want to look her straight in her innocent blue eyes, with her sweet smile, and tell her that her dream came true.

Don’t worry, little dreamer, your time is coming soon.

Thank you to everyone who has encouraged me thus far, and to every family member and friend that has helped me along the way. You watched this little dreamer grow up, and you know that there is no turning back now.

Categories
anxiety

What Triggers You?

My tree nut allergy has done me more harm than good. When I go to a restaurant, I have to tell the server that I have a nut allergy. I’ve been to some restaurants that won’t even serve me because their food has been “produced in a factory that may contain nuts.” The fact that I have to explain my allergy to everyone makes me roll my eyes in disgust.

Despite the inconvenience of people misunderstanding, I could die if I didn’t explain this to people and inadvertently ate nuts. My throat could close up and I could lose my ability to breathe.

Did you know that anxiety also has allergies? They’re called triggers.

Triggers are objects, actions, or behaviors that can stir up anxiety in an individual. Our triggers are unique to our different childhood experiences. What is anxiety inducing for me may be no sweat for you, and vice versa. According to Psych Central, triggers “set off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of his/her original trauma.”

The level of anxiety that each trigger brings also depends on the level of trauma an individual has faced in his/her lifetime. Victims of sexual/physical abuse or near death experiences may have triggers that cause them to pass out or break into a panic. Others may be easily angered by a specific topic or the way a person behaves. Regardless of what you faced as a child or young adult, you don’t need to have had a traumatic experience for you to have triggers.

Unlike allergies, triggersĀ can be eliminated in your life. However, it requires a bit of self-analysis and patience. Journaling can help you identify your triggers. Take time to think about what makes you uncontrollably angry, sad, or anxious. Dr. Margaret Paul suggests considering when the triggers started. Thinking back to what started the trigger could cause you to have a panic attack, so remember to take deep breaths and stay grounded. Remember that what happened in the past isn’t happening in this moment. If this is too difficult for you to do on your own without having anxiety, ask a trusted friend or a counselor to help you calm down as you process.

When you’ve identified your triggers, consider how you typically respond. Do you tense up? Do you feel faint? Do you have explosive anger? Do you get really quiet? The next step is to decide how you’re going to handle it differently. The traumatic experience that happened to you is in the past, and your present does not need to be defined by your past. You will need to be patient with yourself as you learn how to act differently. Take some deep breaths and practice healthy coping mechanisms to get back on track. You can’t always control how you’re going to react, but focus on what you can control: your breathing, counting backwards from 10, or squeezing a stress ball.

As a Christian, I believe that God can heal your pain by filling that hole that the trauma left. If you were in a near death experience, maybe God wants to show you how He saved your life. If you were abused, maybe God wants to show you His perfect love. If you were abandoned, maybe God wants to show you how He will never leave you or forsake you. Since people have had different experiences, this may seem like a slap in the face that I’m simplifying these Biblical truths like a spiritual band-aid over your deep-rooted pain. However, I’ve seen God heal people from severe trauma, whether it took a few hours or a few decades.

I can’t speak for God and say how He was specifically with you in the midst of your trauma. However, I can say that Romans 8:28 says that God works all things for the good of those who love Him. That does not mean that we have a carefree life, but it means that God can even make a bad situation good. God can redeem your story so that you can help others and you can experience joy again.

God can meet you in your pain. Let Him redeem your story. Be patient with yourself as you heal from the triggers that your past experiences have caused you. It will take time, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Photo byĀ Mitch LensinkĀ onĀ Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Pride: The Killer of Marriage

Pride is common, and is actually encouraged, in today’s society. Although the word “pride” has developed a connotation of its own, the pride that the Bible warns against involves making yourself look better than you actually are. Strong’s Greek Concordance translates the word for pride in 1 Corinthians 13:4 (physioutai) as “puffed up.” The phrase invokes the imagery of a balloon being inflated. On the outside, the balloon increases in size, pomp, and importance, but the inside is filled with nothing.

In marriage, pride can cause fights, arguments, and disagreement. Using the idea of pride that the Bible describes, spouses attempts to puff themselves up in competition against one another to prove why they are right. Since they are so busy pointing out their spouse’s big heads, they never see their own. Pride can never bring a couple together; it can only tear them further apart. That’s why pride is described as the marriage-killer.

This popular scenario that takes place in a marriage demonstrates how easy it is for pride to creep into your relationship. We all know that men do not listen. When women want to vent, men want to fix it. Men and women violently attack each other to prove that their side is the right side. They even call their friends together of the same gender and have an all-out battle of the sexes to defend their opinions. That in and of itself is pride, but there’s an even deeper root of pride that exists in this case.

Men have this innate desire to fix everything. Generally speaking, they have this tendency to think that they have the solution to every problem, and that if only women could see things like they do, the world would be a better place. When women are caught up in their feelings, men have to rescue them from their distorted thinking and help them see the right way (his way, of course!). Bad day at work? Husband knows how to fix it! Problems with your sister? Husband knows what to say! In every situation, the wife may sayĀ “It’s not as easy as you think,” but the husband will believe, “Of course it’s that easy! It works for me every time!”

On the other side, women have this innate desire to express their feelings. Generally speaking, they see their husbands after a long day of separation and feel the need to dump everything on them. It doesn’t matter if their husbands are tired, hungry, or need to poop. If the wife wants to talk, the husbandĀ needs to listen. Then, when the husband reacts according to his fatigue/hunger/needing to poop (AKA, says somethingĀ stupid in response to this outpouring of the wife’s heart), the woman gets upset. “You didn’t talk to me likeĀ IĀ deserve,” the wife might say. “Why can’t you talk to me like that hot guy talks to his wife in that sappy romantic movie I always make you watch?”

In Matthew 7, Jesus illustrates what pride looks like through the imagery of a piece of wood: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brotherā€™s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?Ā How can you say to your brother, ā€˜Let me take the speck out of your eye,ā€™ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?Ā You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brotherā€™s eye” (Matt. 7:3-5).

Like the person who Jesus describes in this parable, we tend to look at everyone else’s faults before dealing with our own. Wives, before you judge your husband for leaving his clothes on the floor, ask yourselves, “Do I put everything back in its place when I’m finished with it?”Ā As you look around, you may find your make-up, books, or other items strewn around the house. Make sure you are clean before you criticize your husband for being dirty.

When we got married, my pastor gave my husband a wise bit of marriage advice: “These two phrases will save your marriage – ‘It’s my fault,’ and ‘I’m sorry.'” He specifically told that to my husband, but I’ve learned that I have to say it to my husband as well. When was the last time you took responsibility in your marriage? How often do you believe that it’s your spouse’s fault when something goes wrong? Make an effort to use these phrases more often. Ask God to help you see where you need work. If you cannot look past your own pride and only see the work your spouse needs, pray for your spouse. I know that, over time, God will open your eyes to see where you need work too!

Photo byĀ Adam KingĀ onĀ Unsplash

This articleĀ lists 10 ways that pride manifests in marriage. If you feel led, prayerfully read through this list and consider if these attributes are present in your marriage. Again, before you go complaining that your spouse is guilty of all these qualities, look in your own heart and pray about how you can change, too.

Categories
Books

Review of “Business Boutique” by Christy Wright

My husband gave me this book when we decided it was time for me to start working from home as a freelance writer and editor. The smell of the new book energized me to want to read it and start my business. He gave it to me the day I put in my two weeks, so I made it a priority to read the nineteen chapters of the book before I officially stopped working at the office.

This gift from my husband was affirmation to me that he believed in me and he knew I could do it. As I would read Christy Wright’s (or Dave Ramsey’s in the Foreword) words, I imagined my husband saying, “You can do this, honey. You made the right decision.” Ultimately, through this transition, God’s approval has been the most evident of all! Thank God for His blessings.

Christy Wright’sĀ Business Boutique is specifically geared for women who want to start a business doing what they love. She discusses all types of female-led businesses, from side-hustles (a job you do aside from your full-time job), full-time jobs, to businesses run by “mompreneurs” (women who work from home while taking care of young children). Her entrepreneurial innovation was deeply ingrained into her by her mother, who risked all the money she had to make a living for her family doing what she loved: making cakes. Wright takes her mother’s work tactics, as well as what worked in her own career, and created a four-tier business plan that is easily adaptable for anyone. The plan includes finding your motivation, deciding what to charge, establishing policies and “terms and conditions,” sorting through tax information, and promoting your business to make a profit.

Business BoutiqueĀ is a fun, easy read that makes the idea of starting and running a business digestible. Since she crafts this book for women, Wright includes topics that target the struggles of female business owners, including balancing life and work, creating a schedule, having boundaries, raising kids, and comparison. The best part is that Wright doesn’t leave us hanging; at the end of each chapter, she provides action steps to help us process what we just read and put your business plan into actionĀ immediately.

Christy’s book has been helpful as I begin my writing and editing career. Publishing a book in and of itself is like a business (we writers tend to forget that!), but I also have a vision for helping women like me develop a confidence to tell their own stories. You can check out the editing and consulting services I offer on my “services” page.

Although this book was about starting a business, I received some personal affirmation that really gave me confidence not only in my freelance career, but also in my identity as a Christian woman. This quote affirms my passion for writing fiction, to not only to inform but also inspire: “…People don’t need more information, they need inspiration. They need to believe and have buy-in, and the best way to accomplish that is through story” (226).

Her chapter on balancing life and work also speaks to me about establishing healthy boundaries. The following quotes are my favorite from this chapter:

“‘No’ is a complete sentence” (291).

“If you don’t protect what matters to you, no one else will” (292).

“It’s the difference between looking through the front windshield to see where you’re going instead of looking in the rearview mirror to see what you’re momentarily leaving behind” (293).

If these quotes inspire you, or you’re looking to start your own business, you can buy Christy Wright’s book on her website www.businessboutique.com. In preparation for this post, I discovered that her website has blog posts, podcasts, and other resources to help you even further in your business. Whether you want to make money from a hobby that you enjoy, you want to pay off some debt, or you want a fun way to support your family, Christy Wright’s bookĀ Business Boutique will help you make those initial steps, as well as every step along the way.

Categories
anxiety

Do it Scared

I am excited to announce that I am now a freelance writer and editor! This dream was birthed in me at the young age of six, when I realized I could write books for kids who loved reading, just like me. Thank you to the people in college who told me I should major in English (I didn’t listen), and to my family and friends for supporting me in this transition. While I will be writing several books and waiting for them to be selected for publication, I will also be offering writing and editing services to those who want to make their writing dreams a reality.

Although this has been a dream of mine, I woke up this morning with a sense of fear. What if I put myself out there and nobody bites? What if people don’t like me? What if they find out that I’m not perfect? The good-girl Christian in me says, “God has a plan! It’ll all work out in the end! Don’t be afraid!” We tend to be scared of being scared, so we put a spiritual band-aid on our fear and call it a day. However, I’m still afraid! I’ve never done this before. Fear is a natural response to the unknown.

To help me launch my career, my husband bought me a copy of the bookĀ Business Boutique by Christy Wright, a professional who helps women start their own businesses doing what they love. In one of the beginning chapters of the book, she wrote about fear in starting your own business. Fear is normal, and everyone experiences fear at one point or another. Her solution? “We just do it scared” (15).

As I re-read through Chapter 2, “Fear is Normal,” Wright only mentions that phrase a few times. However, after reading all 19 chapters of her book, I can clearly remember that phrase as my takeaway. If we only did things when we weren’t afraid, we would miss out on a lot of life. I’m actually more afraid of settling than neglecting my dreams. What is more fearful to you, being stuck in a job that isn’t your passion for the rest of your life, or taking a leap of faith and risking it all to pursue your dreams? Doesn’t the latter option sound like a movie?

A few people in my audience struggle with anxiety like me. I used to get scared just going out to eat with friends. You may get scared going to parties or traveling or visiting certain places or even notĀ having plans. Going on retreats as a teenager, the staff members would tell us to aim for our yellow zone. The green zone is our comfort zone, and the red zone is our debilitating fear. While high ropes courses might be easy as pie for you, they make me nauseous and dizzy; I literally can’t move when I get to a certain height. Doing something in your yellow zone is doing something that stretches you just enough not to break you.

If you feel God calling you to do something in your red zone, which is quite possible, have grace with yourself to take baby steps there. If you are scared of publishing a book about your traumatic past, start off small by sharing your story with a trusted friend or a small group of people. No matter what you do, don’t let fear keep you from doing what you love and what you feel God is calling you to do.

Here are some quotes that I found when searching the phrase “Do it scared.” May they inspire you to pursue your passion, even if you have to do it scared:

“If you’re afraid, don’t do it. If you’re doing it, don’t be afraid!”-Genghis Khan

“I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.” – Nelson Mandela

“What you feel doesnā€™t matter in the end; itā€™s what you do that makes you brave.” – Andre Agassi

“Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the absence of self.” – Erwin McManus

ā€œOur deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are youĀ notĀ to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.ā€-Marianne Williamson

Photo byĀ Kristina WagnerĀ onĀ Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Boasting in Marriage

It feels like overnight (or maybe I just noticed it), we have developed this thought that everyone wants to know everything about our lives. Instagram isĀ filledĀ with pictures of people at graduation parties, smoothie recipes that we needĀ to try, new houses, couples, or children. Not that any of these things are wrong, but sometimes I wonder: why are we sharing these pictures on social media?

We believe what’s important to “me” must be important to everyone.

God has been tearing down my pride in my marriage by shutting me up. In the beginning of our relationship, we agreed about everything. We always communicated and understood what we had to say. Now all of a sudden, we’re having communication problems and we haveĀ discussions, not unanimous decisions. I’m sure I have a part to play in this, but I’m convinced that it’s because my husband is voicing his opinion more, and I’m actually listening (*insert mindblown explosion noise here*). I tell my husband that he needs to talk more, but maybe I need to stop talking more and start listening more.

Marriage is all about surrender: surrender first to Christ, and then to one another. Love does not boast, because boasting breaks this pattern of surrender. When I boast, I inadvertently elevate myself above my spouse. In the middle of an argument, boasting looks like fighting for why IĀ amĀ right and my husband is wrong. While making decisions, boasting looks like advocating for my perspective and ignoring my husband’s. When we have guests over and they admire our decorations or the cooking, boasting looks like taking all the credit and talking endlessly about my homemaking skills, giving no notice to my husband’s input.

A husband and wife are meant to be a team, not competitors. In Romans 12, Paul talks about how to be a living sacrifice for Christ, how toĀ worshipĀ Him with our lives. Several translations of verse 10 of that chapter indicate that we should “outdo one another in showing honor.” If you are going to boast or compete about anything, it should be,Ā I love and serve my spouse better than he/she serves me!Ā What a great goal to have, because it keeps your eyes constantly off yourself and on your spouse. All the while, you’re doing this to honor Christ.

I believe that the antidote for boasting is two-fold: thinkingĀ lessĀ of yourself and thinkingĀ moreĀ of others. First and foremost, we should elevate Christ in our lives and in our marriages. As a married couple, one great way for you to elevate Christ in your marriage is to talk and think highly of your spouse. In the middle of an argument, take time to pray (literally kneel in the middle of arguing if you have to!), and seek to listen to your spouse’s point of view. While making decisions, make sure that both you and your spouse have had a chance to voice your opinions before signing on the dotted line. When you have guests over, give glory to God that He brought you together, and talk about all the work your spouse did to make your house what it is. Even if you didĀ everythingĀ but your spouse put mounting tape on the wall so you can hang up one picture, findĀ something nice to say about that picture!

Ultimately, our boast should be in the Lord.

“This is what theĀ LordĀ says:

‘Let not the wise boast of their wisdom
Ā Ā Ā Ā or the strong boast of their strength
Ā Ā Ā Ā or the rich boast of their riches,
but let the one who boasts boastĀ about this:
Ā Ā Ā Ā that they have the understanding to knowĀ me,
that I am theĀ Lord,Ā who exercises kindness,
Ā Ā Ā Ā justice and righteousnessĀ on earth,
Ā Ā Ā Ā for in these I delight,’
declares theĀ Lord.”

-Jeremiah 9:23-24

 

The cool thing is that when we humble ourselves, God exalts us (see James 4:6). Like the image above, the flower is held up by a hand, and someone is taking a picture of it. The flower is beautiful, but it doesn’t have to scream, “Look how beautiful I am! Notice me! Love me!” The person taking a picture saw the beauty of this flower and held it in a way that naturally elevated it. God does the same with us. Instead of trying to convince everyone that we are beautiful or smart or really good at something, let us stop talking for just one second and let God has to say about us. And hey, you never know; maybe your spouse has something nice to say too!

Photo byĀ Chikeun ParkĀ onĀ Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Contentment in Marriage

If you knew my husband, you would know how completely in love he is with me. He makes itĀ soĀ obvious to everyone we meet. He thinks it’s ridiculous that I get upset when he talks to other women, because he’s so focused on me, he’s not even looking at them. Unfortunately, the past experiences I’ve had make it difficult for me to trust him around women. That is whyĀ true love involves putting away envy and taking up contentedness.

Contentedness takes form in multiple ways in marriage. Here are the top three that I’ve seen.

Love Does Not Envy One’s Spouse

Even though I’m on the same team as my husband, it’s tempting to compare myself to him. He’s never been in a relationship, and I’ve been in several. He is making more money with me, and he is living his dream as a Desktop Support Analyst (IT). He had a pretty easy life growing up. Although he is everything that I’ve ever wanted and needed, he also has everything that I ever wanted for myself.Ā Love says that I should be happy for my spouse, and I should be content with the things that God has givenĀ me.

Romans 8:28 says that God works all things for the good of those who love Him. That does not mean that we’re always happy; rather, God in His sovereignty uses our circumstances to grow us and make us more like Christ. My husband and I have both had unique experiences that have drawn us to Christ and have paved the way for us to be more like Him. Instead of being envious of my husband, I should be thankful for what God has given me and should surrender to God the things in my past that I don’t like.

In your own marriage, appreciate each other’s strengths, while remembering that youĀ bothĀ have something to offer in the relationship. You are not less than your spouse; you are partners, co-workers, and friends.

Love Does Not Envy Other Women

My husband had a situation where he needed to speak to a representative from an insurance company. It so happened to be a woman. If I let my envy of other women get in the way of my husband living his life, I would’ve had to take the phone from him and speak to the woman for him. Not only does my husband not want to be controlled; I also don’t want to have to do everything for him. So ladies (and gentleman, because men are also jealous of other men talking to their women), I have three words for you:Ā get over it. You have to trust your husband enough to realize that he’s not going to leave you for the customer service rep on the phone. HeĀ made a vow toĀ God to spend the rest of his life withĀ you,Ā and God will help you both stay faithful to each other.

Love Does Not Envy Other Marriages

Because every couple on the planet is different from one another, it is so easy to compare. One couple you know just bought a house. One couple is excelling at work. One couple has no problem having kids. One couple neverĀ everĀ fights. While you want to be happy for all these couples, maybe you’re struggling with financial difficulties, work problems, infertility, or intense fights with your spouse, and you find yourself wishing that you had what they have. If you truly are discontent, you may even find yourself wishing theyĀ didn’tĀ have what you want.

However, love does not envy other marriages. When your relationship is centered on Christ, God will provide what you need when you need it. If you don’t get something that you want, it is your opportunity to surrender those desires to God and to trust Him to provide them. God will also use the circumstances that you and your spouse faceĀ together to grow you closer to each other.

Conclusion: Contentment in God

Even though it clearly states it in Scripture that God is a jealous God, it’s hard to explain what that means in such a short context. God isĀ committed to us, and He does not want anything to come before Him. When we realize that God’s desire is to have us fully and completely rely on Him, then our envy of other things suddenly fade. When you accept God’s love, it doesn’t matter where you live with your husband. When you trust in God’s faithfulness, your work situation isn’t as bad anymore.Ā Allowing God’s love to lead your life will help you be more content in your marriage and in your life.Ā May our desire for love ultimately lead us to the Savior, who loves us with an everlasting love.

Photo byĀ Sweet Ice Cream PhotographyĀ onĀ Unsplash

(I looked up “envy” on Unsplash and a ton of flower pictures popped up. I like the representation in this picture of the flowers blooming despite their different sizes and classifications.)

Categories
Marriage

Kindness in Marriage

While writing this series, I tried to think of which characteristic describes my husband the best. Out of all the attributes of love listed in 1 Corinthians 13, my husband isĀ mostly kind. He has a sweet demeanor about him, and everything he does for me exudes love. He wakes me up every morning with a kiss. He makes me lunch and thanks me for cleaning the house. Before leaving for work, he always gives me a kiss and tells me he loves me. If there’s an accident on the way to work, he lets me know where there’s heavy traffic and which roads to avoid. Throughout the day, he’ll text me just to tell me he’s thinking of me. When he comes home, we’ll eat dinner together, pray for each other, and kiss each other goodnight. There is no doubt that my husband loves me. These may seem like little things to some people, but that’s what kindness is: finding ways to actively display your love.

Based on a combination of definitions from dictionary.com, kindness flows from a desire to do good to others. Kindness is an action. While patience invokes an image of sitting quietly, waiting for a wish to be fulfilled, kindness stirs up the image of holding the door open for someone or presenting a gift. Even a smile, the act of contorting one’s face to a pleasing and attractive expression, involves an action. Kindness is not meant to sit still, but to move. Kindness is not meant to be kept within, but to be shown.

As the wonderful band dc Talk taught us back in the 90’s, “luv is a verb.” The way love is displayed is through kindness. You cannot be kind without love, and you cannot show love without kindness. We all know how to show kindness, but it’s not always easy. After a long day of work, you may be short tempered. Instead of showing love to your spouse, you are unkind. You snap, you insult, you make a rude comment, or you explode. By being unkind, you are withholding love from your spouse.

With that in mind, when you are interacting with your spouse, consider how you can best show love to him/her. Go out of your way to make dinner, give him a kiss, or bring home a special surprise. If you are like me and your fatigue makes you grumpy, be honest with your spouse. “Hey, sweetie, I had a long day at work. I’m sorry if I’m not myself tonight. I love you and appreciate you!”

You don’t have to spend a lot of time, money, or energy to show kindness to your spouse. While I’m sure they would appreciate a surprise vacation, a massage, or a fancy dinner, your spouse will also appreciate a home-cooked meal, a hand-written love note, or a simple compliment. I even consider it kindness when my husband listens to me vent without interrupting. I show kindness to him by speaking highly of him in front of others and writing him notes (as a writer, what better way to show my affection to my husband than to do what I love?).

The Bible says that God is love. God is the only one who can be infinitely and perfectly kind (see Titus 3:4-6). When we want to argue with or act selfish toward our spouses, we can rely on God to give us the grace we need to be kind. When we’re tired and don’t have an ounce of energy toĀ doĀ for our spouses, we can rely on God to fill us with love for our spouses and empower us to show kindness to them. May our desire for love ultimately lead us to the Savior, who loves us with an everlasting love.

Photo byĀ Diego PHĀ onĀ Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

What You Can Control

I woke up this morning feeling nauseous, in pain, and tired. This meant that I could not do the things that I planned to do today (you know, likeĀ finally submit my book to a literary agent!). I had everything set up to submit, and all I had to do was do a final run-through and e-mail it. Unfortunately, all I could do was stay in bed and hold my stomach, as if holding my stomach would somehow relieve the pain. I couldn’t control my health, and I couldn’t control my schedule, but I could control the food I ate and the books I read while lying down.

I heard a sermon a few years ago where the pastor told us that we are responsible for our bodies and our choices. I was taken aback by that comment. I couldn’t control my body! I have anxiety. Anxiety controlsĀ me.

Or does it?

One of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control. That means that God empowers us to control ourselves. Addiction may be tough to beat, but God gives us the strength and the willpower to stop. The same is true for anxiety. Anxiety wants you toĀ thinkĀ that you don’t have control, but the reality is, you do have control.

When life gets overwhelming, it feels like I’m not in control.Ā However, since one of the fruits of the Spirit is self-control, that means we have a responsibility forĀ something, and that is ourselves. We are in control of the self when we practice self-control.

I may not be able to control what people say to me, but I can control how I respond. I may not be able to control my noisy neighbors (do your kids haveĀ to scream at the top of their lungs in the middle of the day?), but I can control my approach to the situation. I may not be able to control people’s expectations of me, but I can control how I spend my time and the choices I make with my habits and activities.

When anxiety strikes, youĀ haveĀ a choice. It may feel like you can’t breathe, but you have a choice to take deep breaths and to practice positive self-talk. You may have a stomachache and feel like you’re going to throw up, but you have a choice to pray and to take your mind off of the pain. My therapist told it to me this way, “No one ever died from a panic attack.” Remember that your anxiety will pass. Don’t do anything to harm yourself physically or to talk down to yourself. Find healthy coping mechanisms such as memorizing Scripture, journaling, deep breathing, or talking it out with someone. Over time, your anxiety attacks will be more manageable.

In the long run, take a look at your life and see what is causing you anxiety. Is it your job, family, living situation, health, free time, relationships, or something else? Any and all of these things can cause us stress. Before trying to take control, identify which of these aspects of your life you can control and which you cannot. You can switch jobs, set boundaries with your family, move out, take care of your body, plan activities that fuel you rather than drain you, and pray about how to approach the conflicts in your life.

Unfortunately, sometimes life isn’t always that easy. Money isn’t always in our favor, families aren’t always that understanding, and medical conditions may cause difficulties in maintaining a healthy weight or working out efficiently. As my friend used to say in high school, “Do your best, and let God do the rest.” Focus on what you can control, and surrender to God what you can’t control. Do what you can controlĀ well, and trust God to do His part in your life.

Self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. We are not able to control ourselves without God’s help. Pray today for wisdom in how to control yourself, your anxiety, and your life.

“No temptationĀ has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be temptedĀ beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted,Ā he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.” – 1 Corinthians 10:13

Photo byĀ Wilco Van MeppelenĀ onĀ Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Patience in Marriage

Hey everyone! I’m back. My book is edited, and I’m now in the process of researching for my book so that I can submit it to a publisher with knowledge of the market under my belt. You thought that writing a book was simply putting words on a page and selling it, but there isĀ so much moreĀ than that. Praise God that He has taken a newbie like me and has used me for His glory!

For now, God has called me to write, and that’s why I’m here. I am going to be creating an author website, submitting my book to multiple publishers, and doing tons of praying in the coming weeks, but for now I am going to bring a blog post to you (as promised) on 1 Corinthians 13 displayed in a marriage.

Today is my husband’s birthday. I’m so proud of who he has become and who God is calling him to be. When I met him, he was at the ripe young age of 21, two years shy of graduating college. As God was leading us to a dating relationship, He gave me hope that we wouldĀ growĀ together. That young man that was about to be my boyfriend was going to go through many changes in his life, and I was about to have a front-row seat into those experiences. In the three years we’ve known each other, he has changed jobs twice, his faith has strengthened, and his boldness and self-confidence has drastically improved.

Love is patient. When we hear the word “patience,” we automatically think of waiting. It’s hard to believe that there’s waiting after the “happily ever after.” However, marriage consists of waiting, bothĀ for your spouse and with your spouse.

Just as I watched my husband grow, my husband has also been so patient with me. IĀ amĀ easily angered (especially after 10:00PM) and my poor husband has had to suffer the brunt of a lot of my outrages. He also lets me vent when I have a bad day and he listens to my stories even while he’s struggling to stay awake. My husband is patient with me. He waitsĀ forĀ me to grow and to learn and to apologize. I do the same for him. We also seek to be patient with each other’s quirks, friends and family members, and schedules.

My husband and I are patient with each other right before bed. I covet my sleep; if I don’t get enough sleep, I get short-tempered and depressed. My husband can fall asleep once his head hits the pillow. When we go to bed, we both have different patterns; while I need quiet and darkness to go to sleep, my husband likes to watch videos and read articles on his phone to unwind. In the beginning of our marriage, this used to be a source of conflict for us. But as we’ve learned that we’re two different people, we’ve learned to compromise. My husband makes sure we say our prayers before he goes on his phone so I’m not waiting for him, and I make sure to face the other way and cover my eyes if needed.

I’ve written before about how sometimes we want to change or control our spouses. Maybe your spouse doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you on everything. Maybe your spouse has a short-temper or comes home too late from work. Keep praying for him/her, and ask God to give you patience. God will give you a front row seat into the work that He will do in your spouse’s life.

In marriage, a couple also needs to waitĀ together. You may be waiting to have children. You may be waiting for financial freedom, to finally declare that you are debt free. You may be saving up your pennies to own a house one day. You may be waiting for your children to find their way in the world. Love involves patience, not just with your spouse, but with the people and circumstances that surround you and your spouse.

The Bible says that God is love. God is the only one who can be infinitely and perfectly patient (1 Timothy 1:16). When we want to scream and talk down to our spouses, we can rely on God to give us the strength we need to be patient. When we’re waiting for a season to end, or for a new season to begin, we can rely on God to lead our paths and bring us closer to our spousesĀ through the waiting. May our desire for love ultimately lead us to the Savior, who loves us with an everlasting love.

Photo byĀ Omar LopezĀ onĀ Unsplash