Category: anxiety

Categories
anxiety

Jesus Took Naps; Be Like Jesus

I first saw this phrase over the summer. At first, I thought it was permission to be lazy (for some of you, it might be!), but there is much to be learned from Jesus’ nap on the boat (Mark 4:35-41).

One day, Jesus took His disciples on a boat at night. After a long day with the crowds, I’m sure the disciples were looking forward to a nice relaxing night on the boat. But what is described as “a furious squall” erupts in the sky, and the wind and the waves seem to ambush the boat. How could God let this happen? His disciples actually had problems? How could it be so?!

Throughout this storm, Jesus is asleep. In the middle of the storm, when everything was going crazy, that’s when Jesus decides to take a nap. It makes sense, since He spent most of His waking hours teaching and healing people. Now that the crowds were gone, He can sleep. The gospel of Mark even says that Jesus is sleeping on a cushion! But wouldn’t He want more calming music to help Him relax, as opposed to the whistling of the wind and the crashing of the waves?

When they find Jesus, the disciples instantly wake Him up and ask Him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” I believe they were right to turn to their Master, to believe that He could stop the wind and the waves from destroying the ship. And in all seriousness, they are in danger in this story. However, the stance of Jesus during the hubbub should have been a cue for the disciples to follow.

You see, by taking a nap, Jesus demonstrates that there is no reason to be afraid, even in the midst of the storm. If Jesus was worried, then the disciples should be worried. Since He is at peace, the disciples should be at peace as well. Jesus is helping to grow their faith by reminding them that they are braver than they think, and more equipped than they think.

After all, most of them are fishermen! Was that the first time they were ever in a storm? Did they know that a storm was in the forecast? Did they try to warn Jesus before getting on the storm? Why were they so afraid when they’ve done this multiple times?

Because no matter how equipped they were, they were not Jesus. Their skills were limited, while the skills of Jesus are unlimited.

Right after the disciples wake up Jesus, He rises to His feet and calms the wind and the waves in an instant. His power didn’t activate because He was awake. He had that power all along, available to Him at any moment.

The last time I was on a plane, I was incredibly nervous, especially because they didn’t assign us seats until we were boarding, and I needed to sit with my husband Lenny or I would go nuts. Thank God, we were able to sit together, but I was still a little uneasy before takeoff.  A few minutes into the flight, I look over, and my husband is asleep! Granted, it was early in the morning, but didn’t he know I needed him? When I woke him up, he looked up at me, annoyed, and said, “You’re fine. Go to bed.” My husband fell asleep because he knew I wasn’t in danger. Since he relaxed, I was able to relax, too.

Jesus didn’t nap because He was lazy. Jesus wasn’t avoiding His problems. He wasn’t waiting for the day to fast forward so that He could start over the next day. I’m guilty of taking a nap because anxiety stole my ability to solve problems, and I’m guilty of taking a nap because depression stole my ability to enjoy the day. But I’m also guilty of neglecting to rest when I think I have to do it all. Instead, I have to let Jesus take over and direct my steps. His Spirit lives in me, helping me live each day. And if He’s napping, I’m napping too!

When anxiety strikes, I instantly forget how smart I am, how brave I am, and how stupid these lies are. But when I look to Jesus, the one who is control, and I see that He was able to sleep in the midst of a scary storm, then He suddenly calms the wind and the waves in my heart.

So, on that note, even though I have a ton of things to do and I’m incredibly anxious about the next few days, I’m going to take a nap!

Photo by Ethan Sykes on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Work Anxiety

From the day I started working in 2011, I’ve had work anxiety at almost all of my jobs. My anxiety would manifest in stomachaches, headaches, dizziness, hot flashes, and irritability. Experiencing work anxiety every day is distracting, so I’m learning in my current job how to overcome it so that I can enjoy the blessing that God has given me.

Last week, I started a part-time job at a publishing company about ten minutes from where I live. Talk about a God-send! Because Lenny and I are saving for a house, we needed a little extra income. I wanted a job with flexible hours and a short commute. God has truly blessed me with a job that is literally ten minutes from my house, and my shifts are only four hours a day. Although I can mentally comprehend that this is a gift from God, from the beginning, my anxiety has been faithful to distract me. By the grace of God, I’ve been able to acquire techniques to put the anxiety out of my mind and to pursue this dream.

Why do you have anxiety? Work combines interacting with people, being confined to a space for a set amount of time, and often handling money. Anyone with social anxiety, claustrophobia, agoraphobia (fear of being stuck in a situation), or Chrometophobia (fear of money) would choke up at the thought of doing anything work-related. What if I disappoint my boss or my co-workers? What if I have an emergency and they don’t let me leave, or they judge me for being sensitive? What if I have to handle money and I cost the company thousands of dollars? The first step to curing your work anxiety is figuring out what scares you about your job. It might be difficult to pinpoint in the beginning. There may be several aspects of your job that scare you. Take the time to think about why you’re anxious at work, and voice them out loud.

Journal. Along with voicing your fears out loud, journaling can also help you overcome your work anxiety. Not only can you write down your fears, but also your frustrations and shortcomings. If you have an unresolved conflict with a co-worker or a boss, it’s better to keep it to yourself than to spread gossip all around the office. There’s no better outlet for a conflict than your journal. You can process your thoughts and come up with a plan to tackle your fears. Remember, you are in control of your body. Anxiety may seem to have control over you, but it doesn’t.

Pray. When you feel like you’re not in control, pray. Honestly, I thank God for my anxiety because it causes me to rely on Him. I pray on my way to work, while I’m at work, and on my drive home. God is the one who gave you this job, so thank Him for it. Confess that you might not be as excited as you had thought because of your anxiety. Ask for help in controlling your anxiety and enjoying this gift that God has given you. If you have processed why you have anxiety at your job, tell God about it, and surrender your fear to Him. Then, while you’re at work, remember that He is with you. Imagine Him sitting right next to you as you type on your computer, make phone calls, fold clothes, or sit in the break room. At the end of the day, thank God for bringing you through your shift.

Use healthy coping mechanisms. No one is expecting you to put yourself in a severely anxiety-inducing situation. If you have triggers, don’t let them distract you. My anxiety manifests in stomachaches. To cope with that, I chew on a piece of mint-flavored gum or I rub lavender on my wrists. Deep breathing, meditating on Scripture, or talking with co-workers are also healthy coping mechanisms that can take the edge off of your work anxiety.

Our jobs are blessings from God, but when we have anxiety, we don’t always feel like they are. We feel guilty admitting that we have anxiety over the gifts that God has given us. If that is the case for you, let me be the first to admit that you’re not alone. I’ve struggled with work anxiety for seven years, and I still struggle for multiple reasons. However, I have faith that God is helping me through it, and I believe God can help you too if you let Him.

Photo by Marvin Meyer on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Alternatives to Anxiety Medication

While some prefer anxiety medication, I do not. In my opinion, the side effects far outweigh the treatment, and most of the time people end up dependent on medication. If you’re on anxiety medication, I do not judge you for it. It’s just my personal preference to look for other, less addictive ways to overcome anxiety. Even if you’re on medication, these alternatives can still ease the discomfort of anxiety on a daily basis.

This past year, I’ve gone to the doctor because of difficulty breathing, heart palpitations, and chest pains. Pretty serious stuff, right? Every time I go, they give me an EKG, and they say my heart and my breathing are completely normal. The doctor or PA (whoever is available at the time) tells me I probably have anxiety and try to prescribe me some sort of medication. Each time, I refuse. There has to be another way to treat anxiety besides popping pills.

If you are like me and want some alternatives, here are ways I’ve found to treat anxiety.

Diet. Sugar and caffeine can both contribute to panic attacks because they energize us and make it difficult to sit still. In addition to these, if you have food sensitivities or digestive issues, foods that are more challenging to digest can cause physical unrest as well. This website lists ten foods you should avoid if you have anxiety. Although we don’t have to completely alter our diet, we can try to cut out some of these foods.

Exercise. I’ve been told that anxiety is just stored up energy. When you think of it that way, it’s easier to control. Studies show that after just five minutes of physical activity, anxiety starts to decrease. Make an effort to walk, jog, bike ride, or dance for 30 minutes a day, 3-5 times a day, and see if you feel more calm.

Essential Oils. I feel like every time I look through an essential oil catalog, each description of an oil is “A calming blend.” Lavender always tends to calm me down (is there anything lavender can’t do?), but check out your favorite essential oils website to see what blends or oils can work for you.

Breathing. The best part about air is it’s free! When God created us, He breathed into our nostrils. Ever since then, we’ve needed air to survive. I didn’t realize that I forget to breathe when I’m anxious until someone had to remind me one day. That’s a little scary! If you’re anxious, take a minute to focus on your breathing (inhale, exhale). Don’t worry if you think you look silly while you’re breathing heavy. Your survival is more important than how you look.

Pressure Points. A good friend of mine taught me two pressure points that are helpful for me. Since they are difficult to describe, here is a website that has several points you can use on your body to relief stress and other psychosomatic symptoms from anxiety.

Journaling. By far, this is my favorite and most effective way to treat anxiety. Anxiety begins in the mind, and then extends to the body. I’ve seen the difference in my life when I don’t take the time to write. My mind is jumbled, I can’t sit still, and I’m considering all the worst case scenarios. Sometimes, I write ten pages in one day, just trying to process my thoughts and feelings. Every time I write, though, I end up feeling better. Through journaling, I learn what I’m feeling and thinking, and how I can change those thoughts and feelings into more positive and productive ones.

Counseling. I’ll admit, counseling is scary. If you don’t want to invest in a counselor, at the very least, consider speaking with a friend about your feelings. We were created for community. Join a small group, take your friend out for tea, or send a note on Facebook to someone.

Self-reflection. This is part of journaling. Self-reflection goes a little deeper than journaling, though. Journaling is the what, while self-reflection is the why. You may realize through journaling that you’re afraid of rabbits. Self-reflection is looking at your past and trying to figure out where that fear started. Did you have a rabbit as a pet when you were younger? Did you watch a scary movie about rabbits? Once we know why we’re afraid, we can learn how to overcome the fear.

As you know, trusting in God has been the ultimate cure for my anxiety. While anxiety is still a daily struggle for me, I know God is my constant and is able to help me through it. I am thankful that He has provided all of these ways to help me through this battle.

Photo by JOSHUA COLEMAN on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

In Our Own Eyes

I’m working on my manuscript for my novel again, but thanks to the retreat I attended two weeks ago, I have some more direction. Here are some of the Bible verses that are inspiring me through this process. I will write more about my actual novel on Friday.

When I was a kid, my mom would tell me that the most intelligent people are typically the ones who would struggle with anxiety. Think about it: Intelligent people have thought of every possible situation and the probability of each situation happening (sort of like Dr. Strange in Infinity Wars). In a way, anxiety is a compliment, because that means you’re smart enough to know that bad things can happen to you.

In the Bible, Solomon was the wisest person who ever lived, and yet he realized that life in and of itself is meaningless. He wrote a whole book (Ecclesiastes) about how we should just enjoy life, because nothing we do will amount to anything. If that doesn’t cause you anxiety, I don’t know what will!

I think this is why God tells us not to be wise in our own eyes. God has a bigger plan that we can ever understand, even if we have all the wisdom in the world. When I think of trusting God instead of leaning on my own wisdom, I think of being engulfed in the arms of someone much bigger than me. I surrender in his strong, loving arms, knowing he’s got it, and that he can see beyond what I can.

Here are a couple of verses that have reminded me to lean on God’s wisdom and not my own:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.” -Proverbs 3:5-8

“Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes
    and clever in their own sight.” -Isaiah 5:21

“For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.” -1 Corinthians 1:25

Being wise in our own eyes gets us into trouble. Even if we were the most intelligent people on Earth, able to think up every possible scenario of what could happen, we would not be wiser than God. God can see the big picture, all that once, in the scope of eternity.

Long story short: He knows.

If you are anxious today, seek God’s wisdom. His word is filled with wise sayings that can help you each day. If you’re worried about money, the Bible talks more about money than you could even believe! If you’re worried about what others think about you, there are verses that describe our identity in Christ and can infuse confidence into our very souls.

Are there any other verses that help you remember not to lean on human wisdom, but on God’s wisdom? I’d love to hear from you! Let me know in the comments which verses you would add to this list, or some practical ways that you can trust God despite your human judgment.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Being Present

Each day of this past week brought another exciting event. Monday was GEMS night, a wonderful opportunity to see my sweet girls. Tuesday, I went out to dinner with my summer small group and had our last meeting together. Wednesday, I went to see For KING & COUNTRY again, since they happened to be in town. Thursday, I had work at the Writing Center, which is truly my dream job. Friday through Sunday, I was in Connecticut at a writing retreat. Every single event that took place that week invoked enough excitement in me to carry me through the rest of the year.

During this past week, I truly felt impressed to be present no matter where I was. It was so easy to think about the concert when I was helping the girls with their crafts. It was so easy to think about the retreat while For KING & COUNTRY did a slow song. And even when I thought I had nothing left to look forward to, I found myself comparing my experience at the writing retreat last year to my experience this year.

Being present is so hard, but it’s worth it.

It is difficult for us to focus on the present when we have so many distractions that entice us to crave the next best thing. We’re content in our marriages, and then all of a sudden we see our friends buying houses and having babies, and suddenly all we can think about is that special someday. We’re content in our jobs, and then all of a sudden an ad comes up that tells us we can basically do nothing and get paid millions of dollars an hour. We’re content at the concert, the retreat, the gathering, until they make announcements for next year’s event.

Being present is a mentality. When you feel your thoughts start to wander, catch them quick and get back to the present. The people in your life, and the projects on your to-do list, deserve your attention.

As a writer, it’s particularly hard for me because I always have a second thought that follows my current thought: Will this fit into a book or a story somewhere? Or, when I’m trying to listen to a friend, do I have any information in my information archive that can help her? Inspiration is difficult to come by (we can blame distractions for that, too), so any chance that inspiration strikes, I want to be able to write it down and flesh it out so I can make it into a story.

This passage from Isaiah reminds me to be present:

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.”
-Isaiah 43:18-19

This encouragement from the LORD tells us not to focus on the past or the future. God is doing a new thing in your life right now, and He will make a way when it’s time! Until then, you can thank Him for working in your life and for walking alongside you wherever you go. The next best thing is right now. Don’t procrastinate your enjoyment of life.

Maybe this upcoming week I won’t see my favorite band or meet a bunch of awesome Christian writers, but God has great plans for me even now. Even when life doesn’t seem exciting for me, I thank God that He is with me and He is doing something right now. That alone is exciting to me. So no matter what I end up doing this week, I choose to be present. I choose to invest in those around me. I choose to give my undivided attention to the people and projects that need it.

Who’s with me?

Photo by Andrea Tummons on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

The Blessing of Difficult People

On this past Marriage Monday, I discussed the first step in dealing with difficult people, and that is to develop sympathy toward them, because they are human. Since then, I’ve thought about how my life would be different if I didn’t have difficult people in my life. When I read my journal from a couple of years ago, I remembered meeting a handful of people that rubbed me the wrong way and attacked my character. Looking back, I realized how they actually helped me more than hurt me.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Think about that visual! Although the people who love us help us to mature, those who are different from us allow us to grow as well. Those people who “rub us the wrong way” are inadvertently rubbing off our mess and making us more like Jesus.

They help you gain a new perspective, which makes you question everything. I specifically had one person who I had kept at arm’s length. When I read my journal a few days ago, the memories flooded back to me about my experiences with her. One thing that she consistently did, unknowingly I’m sure, was give false testimony about me. Those who know me know that I am joyful and childlike (not childish), and I always prefer to look at the positive side. One day, I wrote in my journal that she had told me I complained too much, which is not true. She also told me one day that my joy made her depressed because she could never have what I have, which is also not true. However, although she attacked the very core of my being, instead of crumbling, I examined my heart to reflect on what I was portraying to others. Sure, I thought I was joyful, but maybe to her I complained. Maybe I desired to be childlike, but I was more rigid than I thought. Was my joy annoying? Her attacks made my reflect on my actions and attitude, which is a Biblical practice that God wants us to do on a regular basis.

They keep you humble. Difficult people remind you that you are not perfect. None of us are perfect. You want to be around the people that sing your praises all day, but trust me when I say that you also want to be around those who think you have plenty of room for improvement. At one point, this person called me out on my pride. I had a lot of pride, and I honestly still do. She helped me to see what I needed to change about my life. She also consistently reminded me how much I need Jesus, as her threats and accusations constantly kept me on my knees in prayer.

They help you to show Christ’s love. Jesus commands us to love our enemies. It is easy to love those who love us back, but what about those who don’t? (see Matthew 5:43-48). When I’m around difficult people, I close myself off and don’t want to show love to them. However, that’s not the way God calls me to live. Instead, I need to be honest with God and accept His help. God knows our hearts; He knows when we don’t love those around us. When we’re honest with Him, He equips us to love them through His everlasting, unfailing love. His love puts my love to shame.

Without those difficult people in my life, I would have never grown, at least in the ways that I have. I’ve had people criticize my writing, attack my joy, and call me out for my pride. I can’t believe that years later, I’m still thinking of the people that have hurt me, and the ways they have blessed my life. My experience with difficult people from my past also help me with the people I have in my life now. These people that I’ve lost contact with did their worst to me, and yet I’m still here and I’m still thriving. If I was able to learn to love those difficult people in my life, if I was able to “survive” every attack they threw at me, I am able to love and endure the people who surround me now. No matter how condescending, negative, and criticizing some people are in my life now, I can be confident that God is my defender and that He will grow me even through these difficult people.

If you have difficult people in your life, pray about how God can use them to grow you. Now, please understand that difficult is not abusive. If someone is being abusive to you, run. Do not endure his/her toxicity. However, difficult people are more annoying than hurtful. Allow God to reveal His love through you as you deal with these people that get under your skin.

Photo by Victor Benard on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

God Only Knows, But You Should Ask

For King and Country’s new song “God Only Knows” has me crying every time I watch the video. It’s been on repeat since I discovered it about a month ago. The video to this song portrays the internal battle of a woman who is about to commit suicide. Spoiler alert, at the end of the video, her friend notices something is wrong and helps her before she ends it all. God only knows what we’ve been through, because there is no way of knowing what people are going through unless we take the time to ask.

I love writing about how to overcome anxiety because it helps me to overcome anxiety. When I take my eyes off of myself and see that those around me suffer from anxiety, loneliness, and depression, I feel a little less alone. If you suffer from anxiety, take a look around. There are people who need you, even in your brokenness, because even in our brokenness and pain, God can use us to help one another.

For those who have never suffered with depression or anxiety, let me give you a tip: people who are depressed or anxious may never reach out for help. You may tell them that they can come to you any time, that your door is always open, and you’ll always be a safe place, but they will never believe you until you prove it.

There is a sense of guilt and shame around anxiety and depression. Honestly, anxiety and depression go hand in hand. Anxiety is what I feel when I’m full of energy, worried about the future, and depression is when I’m tired, worried about the past. When I tell people I’ve struggled with depression, the FIRST words out of their mouths are usually, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I wish I could communicate the shame I felt from that. Even when I talk about my depression, I feel guilty for being such a downer. Also, often, like with my anxiety, when I talk about it, the people I talk to just want to fix me, not help me.

I share that because I know I’m not alone. I have a good support system, people who I know will pray for me when I’m at my lowest. If you’re worried about me, feel free to reach out, because that’s the point of this post, but please don’t see this as a cry for help. However, there may be some people out there who have nobody, who feel like they’re trapped in their guilt and shame.

God only knows what you’ve been through, but I will do whatever it takes to be there for you and help you work through it.

I heard a sermon from Holly Furtick about giving what you want to receive. Lately, what I’ve wanted to receive is authentic connections with people, not just the casual “Hey, how are you?” I get most often from those around me. I’ve wanted my friends to hold me accountable and to celebrate God’s blessings with me. Thank God, He has provided that through the small groups I’ve been involved with at my church and through reconnecting with some friends after a busy summer.

Listening to that sermon, I wondered how often I do that for other people. I expect people to check up on me and to ask me how I’m doing, but when was the last time I sent a text to my friend asking how I could pray for her? What if my friends are battling depression or anxiety and don’t know how to ask for help? What if people, like me, are afraid of being condemned for their struggles? I can’t read their minds, so I’m going to do whatever it takes to show them that I’m here for them, and take the time to listen to them if they need help.

God only knows what is going on in our hearts, but I guarantee that someone else in your circle has pain in his/her heart too. Reach out to those around you, if you sense that they need help, and God may give you the courage to share your own struggles.

How can we know who is hurting around us? God only knows. In the video, the main character didn’t tell her friend about her plan, but her friend could see something was bothering her. Be aware of your friends and take time to pray for them. God will give you insight into how to pray for them and how to help them as needed.

Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

The Teacher is Here and is Looking for You

Waiting does not come easy for me.  Thoughts rush to my head about what could happen rather than what is currently happening at the moment. I think about all the different scenarios and try to get a plan based on where I think things are going.

Waiting prolongs the process. Waiting interrupts my rhythm. Waiting is not fun.

Jesus had a different perspective on waiting. The story of Lazarus (John 11) serves as a great reminder when I am suffering with anxiety caused by waiting for my plans to produce fruit. In the waiting process, God is growing my faith and redeeming the brokenness of my heart.

Jesus grew the faith of Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus had died.  He waited four days after Lazarus had died to come visit them. I’ve heard the reason for this is that the Jews believed a soul hovered over the body for three days before going to Sheol. So at this point, Mary and Martha believed that their brother was gone.

When Jesus casually strolls up to see Martha, her response is blunt and honest: “If you were here, my brother would not have died.” Although it looks like she’s reprimanding Jesus for not being at her side when her brother was sick, she is actually exercising great faith in that she knew He could have healed her brother. She also was honest with how she felt. She wasted no time with pleasantries as she expressed her sadness and anger at Jesus’ obvious delay in helping her brother. Jesus has a conversation with her that grows her faith, and as you’ll see later in the story, He ends up fulfilling the desires of her heart.

But lately, God taught me something special about this story, the beautiful news that is for me and for you. Martha went to find her sister. I noticed that Mary, the one who had sat at Jesus’ feet, the one who had chose “what was better,” did not meet Jesus when He came to visit. She was at home. Does that mean she had chores to do, that since Jesus had disappointed her that she wasn’t eager to sit at His feet? Does that mean that she was speaking to those who had come to give their condolences? We’re not completely sure, and I may be reading a lot into it, but she demonstrates a different attitude from how we had seen her earlier in the gospel of John, sitting at His feet and soaking up His words.

Mary is about to hear the news that could melt her heart of stone.

When Martha looked for her, she said: “The Teacher is here and is looking for you.” Jesus, the one who had taught Mary how to trust in God, was looking for her. He wanted her to sit at His feet again. Only this time, He would be teaching her through example.

Even when we are obedient to God, diligent to sit at His feet and learn from Him, He still may have a waiting period in His plan for us. In the midst of our waiting, God is right there with us. The one who teaches us is waiting for us to trust Him. The one who loves us is looking for us as we wander around, waiting for our next step. He is waiting for us to sit at His feet again. He is waiting to grow our faith. He is waiting to do the impossible in our lives.

As we all know, Jesus does the impossible for Martha and Mary. He brings back Lazarus from the dead. Despite their lack of faith, and despite the fact that Lazarus had been dead for several days, Jesus is able to perform this wonderful miracle.

What are you waiting for? Let me encourage you that nothing is out of God’s ability. Jesus, the teacher, the one who wants you to grow from this experience, is here, and he is looking for you. Put yourself in a position where He can find you. Sit at his feet, and listen to his teaching. It is only a matter of time before He will do the impossible in your life.

Photo by Stephen Blenman on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

How to Speak Clearly and Effectively

Well, I said I’d do it. So here it is, a blog post on how to speak clearly and effectively with others.

Speaking clearly is difficult for me. I’m afraid of how the other person will react, so I usually cover it up with side comments, filler words, and half-truths. I’m not very clear because I want to protect the person in front of me. Little do I know that I’m setting myself up for failure when I have to hurt both of us by eventually telling her the truth.

Being clear is important for those of us who suffer with anxiety because when we have anxiety, we tend to have a problem figuring out what’s going on inside of us. We usually don’t know how to communicate what we’re feeling, what happened, or what symptoms we’re experiencing. Then, when we finally figure out our triggers, it is difficult for us to communicate with those who’ve hurt us, if necessary.

Now, before I discuss how to speak more clearly, it is worth mentioning that communication is a two-way street. There have been times when I’ve said all that I’ve needed to say in as eloquent a matter as possible, only to be met with two blank eyes staring back at me. When listening, here are some things to consider:

  • Be present : Just because you are hearing does not mean you are listening. Instead of getting distracted, be intentional about giving the speaker your full, undivided attention.
  • Don’t listen to respond; listen to understand : You may have a lot to say about what the speaker is telling you, whether to defend yourself or to contribute to the conversation. However, the speaker may have some valuable information that can be helpful or interesting to you.
  • Repeat for comprehension : To make sure you are on the same page, you might want to repeat what you’ve heard. Ask, “Are you saying that…?”
  • Be patient : Let the person speak. It is difficult to communicate from the heart, and if he has to do that, give him some time. Don’t be quick to judge or defend, but truly seek out a healthy relationship.

For the speakers, here is how to speak more clearly and be understood:

  • Write down/rehearse : Especially if you are anxious, write down your thoughts. It’ll help clear your head and find the main idea. For your own benefit, you can write down what you need to communicate and the feelings behind that message. If someone hurt you, why did it hurt you? If you have something important to say to your boss, why is it important to you?
  • Stick to the main idea : It is possible to talk a lot and yet communicate nothing. Remember the point and stick to it.
  • Line your words up with your actions : If you communicate your desires, your boundaries, or your feelings, make sure you follow through with your actions. Parents know this better than anyone. When you take the time to effectively communicate to your children why you are not letting them have dessert because of how they misbehaved, but they give you the teary eyes and you cave and let them have dessert anyway, you are not communicating clearly.
  • Be patient : The listener may not understand right away, but keep trying. Be patient with yourself as well as the listener. Your message is worth saying, and worth hearing.

The Bible speaks against giving a false testimony to your neighbor, so it is highly valuable to communicate as truthfully as possible without sugar coating anything. Overall, be patient with one another. Even if you both speak the same language, you have two different mindsets. Effective communication takes time to learn; that’s why it’s called a skill.

Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Stop Shaming People with Anxiety

I read an article yesterday about Christians who struggle with anxiety. As I was reading it, one thought came to mind: anxiety is a shameful thing. Those of us who suffer with anxiety face a lot of shame when we act out of anxiety instead of rational thought.

I know what the Bible says about anxiety, what I’m supposed to do. But sorry to say it, sometimes my body does what my mind and soul know it shouldn’t. Didn’t Paul struggle with that in Romans 7? I’m not talking about sin. I’m talking about the fact that when I have a panic attack, I can’t move. I can’t trust. I can’t do anything.

I know I’ll be fine when I go on a plane. I graduated number 12 in my high school class, and I graduated with a 3.9 GPA in college. I’m not stupid. I don’t need statistical facts to get over my anxiety. No matter what I do in my mind, anxiety still comes. Every time I get on that plane, my muscles shake uncontrollably and I start to cry. I don’t need people telling me to stop crying and get over it. All I need in that moment is to be validated, and to feel safe.

From the time I was in high school until I was out of college (approximately 2010-2015), I couldn’t watch any movies that contained any form of sexual contact. Even kissing was out of the question. My friends would roll their eyes as I would hum and cover my face to avoid hearing or seeing anything. When I was alone, any time someone outside of marriage got physical, I would cry hysterically and turn off whatever I was watching. Although it looked like I was just judging premarital sex on the outside, on the inside, I was terrified. Only recently did I discover why I was so disgusted and horrified by people willingly or unwillingly giving up their virginity on the big screen, but at the time, I needed people to love me instead of judge me.

In a situation like that, it would be easy for anyone to shame me. “They’re just kissing, get over it.” “Why do you have to ruin the movie?” “Why can’t you just grow up?” “What are you so afraid of?” I’m thankful none of my friends actually said that, but it was what I was feeling. The voices in my head said it enough.

If you know people who suffer from anxiety, your job is not to fix them. Your job is not to point out the obvious and show them how wrong it is to have anxiety. Your job, if you have one at all, is to walk alongside them. Love them through the pain. Help them to see that they are not alone, because anxiety can truly make you feel like you’re alone.

Anxiety is irrational. Anyone with anxiety can tell you that. Every time I have a panic attack I get so angry at myself because I honestly should have seen it coming. The last thing I need is someone telling me that what I’m thinking makes sense. The worst thing about anxiety is that you know it’s irrational, you know it’s stupid, but your body does what your mind says not to do.

Paul talks about how foolish it was for new believers to think that food sacrificed to idols was unclean. There were people who couldn’t eat food sacrificed to false gods. Instead of condemning those people, Paul encourages the believers who didn’t have this problem to not be a stumbling block. People with a “weak conscience” in this passage were those who used to sacrifice food to idols before they became followers of Jesus. God was working on them, but for those who had already “possessed the knowledge” that God is the only true God and no other god exists, they were charged not to cause their brothers to stumble (1 Corinthians 8).

I believe the same is true for those who suffer from anxiety. Anxiety does not come from God, but it comes from circumstances of our past, before we knew God. While I do not believe anxiety is a sin, I believe that God can heal us from anxiety over time. Until then, we cannot shame people who still struggle with anxiety. If anything triggers anxiety in your friend, from talking on the phone to getting on an airplane, do not shame her. I’ve heard of people being afraid of buttons. Why? It doesn’t matter; my job is to love them. When someone is acting out of anxiety, do not give him statistical evidence. Do not tell her to get over it. Do not roll your eyes.

If you really care, then love your friend enough to help him, not to fix him.

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash