Category: Encouragement

Categories
Marriage

Emotional Consequences

One of my favorite parts of marriage is that I can be completely and totally honest with my husband without any judgment. I used to fear conflict, thinking that any conflict could cause a break in the relationship. Now that I’m in a stable relationship and we can fight without worrying about destroying our marriage, I feel safe.

Although I’m safe to say what I want, what I say has emotional consequences.

Words have the power of life and death. We speak what we don’t mean sometimes. We speak to control. We speak to encourage. However, our words have consequences, good and bad.

When you’re uncomfortable, you have defense mechanisms, like sarcasm, insulting, or joking, but those defense mechanisms can get you into trouble if you’re not careful. Since it is part of our spouse’s job to shape us, God can use our spouses to help us surrender our defense mechanisms.

As listeners, we can’t let people speak to us however they want. I have trigger words like “What is your problem?” that will shut me down in an argument. If Lenny wants to shut me down, he can use that, because he knows it will make me stop talking. But he also knows that if he uses those words, he’ll be breaking our trust, and he could put some emotional distance between us. Lenny will accomplish what he wants (shutting me up) but it comes with consequences.

We have different boundaries, and we have to be clear about them. We can’t let people get away with their words. We can be clear about what we expect, and if people don’t respect our requests, we have to follow through with our consequences.

We hate being parented by anyone, including our spouses. However, you are not parenting your spouse. You are sticking up for yourself. Your job is not to train your spouse; your job is to protect yourself from experiencing and causing emotional damage.

So, talk about your boundaries, and what would happen if your spouse were to cross those boundaries. Now, you obviously can’t threaten to leave, unless there is abuse involved. However, you are entitled to request counseling or to say that you are not going to be as trusting of your spouse. Remember the vows you made to each other and remind your spouse of them.

If you are in a dating relationship, breaking up IS still a viable option for you. There is nothing binding you together. Unfortunately, it’s not obvious anymore that insults, sarcasm, and threats hurt people, so you need to be clear about how those words make you feel. If your SO has a history of hurting you with his/her words, and you’ve made it clear that his/her actions are bothering you and nothing has changed, you have every right to leave. Do that for yourself. Do not keep hurting yourself when you know he/she can use words to hurt you.

To demonstrate how to have emotional boundaries in the midst of defense mechanisms, I’ll use a hypothetical situation. Jack confesses to Polly that he gets fearful around the topic of family conflicts, and that when the topic arises, he uses sarcasm to deflect his feelings. Polly understands this, but she confesses that she gets angry when people make fun of her family, so she could respond to his sarcasm with an angry outburst. Polly promises that she will try not to bring up family conflicts around him, and Jack promises that he will try not to be sarcastic or make jokes about her family.

Since we’re not perfect, Jack and Polly may have some issues with this at first. But now, when they fight about Polly bringing up family conflicts and Jack making fun of her family, they have an understanding about why the conflict is happening, and they are able to develop consequences as a result. If Polly brings up a family conflict, Jack will use sarcasm. If Jack uses sarcasm, Polly will have an angry outburst. Eventually, Polly will learn not to bring up family conflicts (or will at least approach the conflict in a different manner) because she will not want her husband to be sarcastic. Eventually, Jack will learn not to react with sarcasm because he will not want his wife to have an angry outburst.

While grace is needed in this situation, do not get too comfortable with emotional tension. If your spouse is using defense mechanisms against you, continue to love him, but don’t allow the behavior to continue. Do not punish your spouse, but be clear about your expectations and continue to remind your spouse about them as the behavior continues. Remember your vows, and remember that you are both in the process of growing.

Photo by Michał Parzuchowski on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Alternatives to Anxiety Medication

While some prefer anxiety medication, I do not. In my opinion, the side effects far outweigh the treatment, and most of the time people end up dependent on medication. If you’re on anxiety medication, I do not judge you for it. It’s just my personal preference to look for other, less addictive ways to overcome anxiety. Even if you’re on medication, these alternatives can still ease the discomfort of anxiety on a daily basis.

This past year, I’ve gone to the doctor because of difficulty breathing, heart palpitations, and chest pains. Pretty serious stuff, right? Every time I go, they give me an EKG, and they say my heart and my breathing are completely normal. The doctor or PA (whoever is available at the time) tells me I probably have anxiety and try to prescribe me some sort of medication. Each time, I refuse. There has to be another way to treat anxiety besides popping pills.

If you are like me and want some alternatives, here are ways I’ve found to treat anxiety.

Diet. Sugar and caffeine can both contribute to panic attacks because they energize us and make it difficult to sit still. In addition to these, if you have food sensitivities or digestive issues, foods that are more challenging to digest can cause physical unrest as well. This website lists ten foods you should avoid if you have anxiety. Although we don’t have to completely alter our diet, we can try to cut out some of these foods.

Exercise. I’ve been told that anxiety is just stored up energy. When you think of it that way, it’s easier to control. Studies show that after just five minutes of physical activity, anxiety starts to decrease. Make an effort to walk, jog, bike ride, or dance for 30 minutes a day, 3-5 times a day, and see if you feel more calm.

Essential Oils. I feel like every time I look through an essential oil catalog, each description of an oil is “A calming blend.” Lavender always tends to calm me down (is there anything lavender can’t do?), but check out your favorite essential oils website to see what blends or oils can work for you.

Breathing. The best part about air is it’s free! When God created us, He breathed into our nostrils. Ever since then, we’ve needed air to survive. I didn’t realize that I forget to breathe when I’m anxious until someone had to remind me one day. That’s a little scary! If you’re anxious, take a minute to focus on your breathing (inhale, exhale). Don’t worry if you think you look silly while you’re breathing heavy. Your survival is more important than how you look.

Pressure Points. A good friend of mine taught me two pressure points that are helpful for me. Since they are difficult to describe, here is a website that has several points you can use on your body to relief stress and other psychosomatic symptoms from anxiety.

Journaling. By far, this is my favorite and most effective way to treat anxiety. Anxiety begins in the mind, and then extends to the body. I’ve seen the difference in my life when I don’t take the time to write. My mind is jumbled, I can’t sit still, and I’m considering all the worst case scenarios. Sometimes, I write ten pages in one day, just trying to process my thoughts and feelings. Every time I write, though, I end up feeling better. Through journaling, I learn what I’m feeling and thinking, and how I can change those thoughts and feelings into more positive and productive ones.

Counseling. I’ll admit, counseling is scary. If you don’t want to invest in a counselor, at the very least, consider speaking with a friend about your feelings. We were created for community. Join a small group, take your friend out for tea, or send a note on Facebook to someone.

Self-reflection. This is part of journaling. Self-reflection goes a little deeper than journaling, though. Journaling is the what, while self-reflection is the why. You may realize through journaling that you’re afraid of rabbits. Self-reflection is looking at your past and trying to figure out where that fear started. Did you have a rabbit as a pet when you were younger? Did you watch a scary movie about rabbits? Once we know why we’re afraid, we can learn how to overcome the fear.

As you know, trusting in God has been the ultimate cure for my anxiety. While anxiety is still a daily struggle for me, I know God is my constant and is able to help me through it. I am thankful that He has provided all of these ways to help me through this battle.

Photo by JOSHUA COLEMAN on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

One of Us is Irrelevant…

I heard a quote from someone a few months ago: “If I was just like my wife, one of us would be irrelevant!”

The number one reason why couples fight is because of their differences in opinion. Whether it’s finances, how to raise kids, how to decorate the house, or whatever, sometimes we don’t see eye to eye. I like balance. I like when we agree. But that’s not the way the world works. We are all different; there is not a single person that is like us. That’s why we need to be around a community so we can learn from each other, and teach others what we know.

Here are some ways Lenny and I are different, and how they’ve affected our marriage. What differences would you add from your marriage?

Differences in memory. For the life of me, I cannot get Lenny to empty his lunch bag until I have to pack it the next morning. If you do the chores in your house, you can laugh at this. I can’t sleep at night if there are dishes in the sink or socks on the floor, but my husband doesn’t give it a second thought! By me saying this, I hope you don’t hear that I’m perfect. My husband always remembers things that I don’t, and I honestly can’t even remember what they are to tell you! Well, what he remembers stuff is just as important as him leaving his dirty Tupperware in his bag overnight. For example, I had a job interview today, and my husband reminded me to print out my resume and cover letter and bring a list of questions to ask. Our minds were only meant to think about what is needed, and if we both remember things, one of us is irrelevant. Maybe God chose my brain to focus on the cleaning while he chose my husband’s brain to focus on how to prepare for an interview! Although Lenny’s not too stupid to know how to clean and I’m not too stupid to know how to apply for jobs, we can use our strengths to help each other out instead of both having to be experts at everything.

Differences in personality. While I tend to be anxious and energetic, my husband is relaxed and mellow. This has worked out in favor of both of us. When I struggle with anxiety, my husband helps me see that there’s no point in worrying. He is my go-to person on a plane; when I’m normally paralyzed, he’s squeezing my hand and reminding me to breathe. However, when Lenny gets too comfortable, I challenge him to go beyond his comfort zone. I actually encouraged him to apply for his first job, and I coached him on how to prepare for his first ever interview (see how the tables have turned!). We tend to think that differences bring us apart, but when we learn to appreciate our differences, we can use them to propel our marriage in the right direction.

Differences in experiences. Without going into detail, my husband and I have almost the exact opposite childhood. Although we grew up about twenty minutes from each other, and even visited the same places when we were kids, it was like we’re from different planets sometimes! While I wish I had some of what Lenny had as a kid, and while he wishes that he had some of what I had as a kid, we can learn from both of our experiences. What we’ve endured throughout our lifetime has shaped us into who we are today, and God has allowed us to have the lives we’ve had so that we could reflect His glory. The fun part of marriage is trying to figure out how God has weaved our stories together to bring glory to His name.

What differences do you see in your marriage? How have they made your marriage more enriching? How have they hindered your connection to your spouse?

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Categories
anxiety

In Our Own Eyes

I’m working on my manuscript for my novel again, but thanks to the retreat I attended two weeks ago, I have some more direction. Here are some of the Bible verses that are inspiring me through this process. I will write more about my actual novel on Friday.

When I was a kid, my mom would tell me that the most intelligent people are typically the ones who would struggle with anxiety. Think about it: Intelligent people have thought of every possible situation and the probability of each situation happening (sort of like Dr. Strange in Infinity Wars). In a way, anxiety is a compliment, because that means you’re smart enough to know that bad things can happen to you.

In the Bible, Solomon was the wisest person who ever lived, and yet he realized that life in and of itself is meaningless. He wrote a whole book (Ecclesiastes) about how we should just enjoy life, because nothing we do will amount to anything. If that doesn’t cause you anxiety, I don’t know what will!

I think this is why God tells us not to be wise in our own eyes. God has a bigger plan that we can ever understand, even if we have all the wisdom in the world. When I think of trusting God instead of leaning on my own wisdom, I think of being engulfed in the arms of someone much bigger than me. I surrender in his strong, loving arms, knowing he’s got it, and that he can see beyond what I can.

Here are a couple of verses that have reminded me to lean on God’s wisdom and not my own:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.” -Proverbs 3:5-8

“Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes
    and clever in their own sight.” -Isaiah 5:21

“For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.” -1 Corinthians 1:25

Being wise in our own eyes gets us into trouble. Even if we were the most intelligent people on Earth, able to think up every possible scenario of what could happen, we would not be wiser than God. God can see the big picture, all that once, in the scope of eternity.

Long story short: He knows.

If you are anxious today, seek God’s wisdom. His word is filled with wise sayings that can help you each day. If you’re worried about money, the Bible talks more about money than you could even believe! If you’re worried about what others think about you, there are verses that describe our identity in Christ and can infuse confidence into our very souls.

Are there any other verses that help you remember not to lean on human wisdom, but on God’s wisdom? I’d love to hear from you! Let me know in the comments which verses you would add to this list, or some practical ways that you can trust God despite your human judgment.

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Categories
Marriage

You Know What Happens When We Assume…

The other day, Lenny and I were driving home from a long day out together. I mumbled something about wanting to watch TV and go to bed, and he simply said, “Nope.” He told me he’d rather play video games. The nerve! He complained all day that he was tired, and now he wanted to stay up and play video games instead of going to bed?

In that moment, Lenny didn’t do anything wrong. I was in the wrong this time, because I didn’t clarify my expectations.

Over the summer, I participated in a program for leaders at our church. We followed a curriculum created by Pete & Geri Scazzero called Emotionally Healthy Relationships. They have taught me so much about relationships and marriage, I’ll probably be referring to them pretty often on this website.

My favorite topic from this workbook involved clarifying expectations. Unfortunately, I assume all the time, especially because my husband doesn’t speak that much. When he’s quiet, I assume he understands. Since we’ve been married a little longer now, I know his silence means he either doesn’t hear me, or he disagrees but doesn’t know how to tell me.

I was in the wrong when I assumed Lenny would want to cuddle with me instead of play video games because I didn’t clarify my expectations. I assumed he wanted to do the same, because cuddling helps me unwind, but he isn’t wired the same way. Video games help him unwind. While I had the itch to lay on the couch until I was ready for bed, he had the itch to play a couple of games. His itch is one I don’t understand, but if I don’t clarify my expectations, I can’t judge him for his behavior.

In Emotionally Healthy Relationships, the Scazzeros lay out several pointers to remember when clarifying expectations. I will use the example of how we spend the holidays. Not only are the holidays a cause for conflict in our household, but it is also a topic of debate among most newlywed couples.

Expectations should always be conscious. It is more important for us to be aware of our own expectations than for others to be aware of them. When it comes to the holidays, one of my expectations is, “It doesn’t matter where Lenny and I spend the holidays, as long as we are together.” Whatever drama ensues from our holiday plans, as long as we don’t split up (as in Lenny sees his family and I see mine), we’ve had a successful year. I am aware of that, and although I don’t need to share that expectation with everyone, now you know it.

Expectations should also be realistic. We tried splitting the holidays (going to my family in the morning and Lenny’s family in the evening), but it is way too stressful for us. Expecting us to see both sides of the family every single holiday is unrealistic for our situation. I can’t control everyone in my life, and they can’t control me. If I have expectations that involve controlling other people, I will be sorely disappointed when they physically, emotionally, or mentally cannot meet my needs.

Expectations should be spoken. Before the holiday season (conveniently during our anniversary), Lenny and I talk about how we are going to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas. We discuss our expectations and form a plan. Then, we tell our parents our plans for the year. This prevents us from having conflicts with our families later, when they expected us to spend the holidays a certain way.

Finally, expectations should be agreed upon. This point is the one I have the most difficult time following. I am free to share my expectations with Lenny, but I rarely pause to make sure he’s on board with them. This was the issue we had when he wanted to play video games. I expected him to come to bed with me, but he didn’t agree. Now, when I clarify my expectations, I ask him, “Are you okay with that?” If he’s not, he makes an addendum, and we form an agreement.

Expectations are not wrong to have. As a matter of fact, they are innate and necessary for survival. If we can keep our expectations conscious, realistic, spoken, and agreed upon, we will have better communication and less conflicts with our loved ones.

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Categories
anxiety

Being Present

Each day of this past week brought another exciting event. Monday was GEMS night, a wonderful opportunity to see my sweet girls. Tuesday, I went out to dinner with my summer small group and had our last meeting together. Wednesday, I went to see For KING & COUNTRY again, since they happened to be in town. Thursday, I had work at the Writing Center, which is truly my dream job. Friday through Sunday, I was in Connecticut at a writing retreat. Every single event that took place that week invoked enough excitement in me to carry me through the rest of the year.

During this past week, I truly felt impressed to be present no matter where I was. It was so easy to think about the concert when I was helping the girls with their crafts. It was so easy to think about the retreat while For KING & COUNTRY did a slow song. And even when I thought I had nothing left to look forward to, I found myself comparing my experience at the writing retreat last year to my experience this year.

Being present is so hard, but it’s worth it.

It is difficult for us to focus on the present when we have so many distractions that entice us to crave the next best thing. We’re content in our marriages, and then all of a sudden we see our friends buying houses and having babies, and suddenly all we can think about is that special someday. We’re content in our jobs, and then all of a sudden an ad comes up that tells us we can basically do nothing and get paid millions of dollars an hour. We’re content at the concert, the retreat, the gathering, until they make announcements for next year’s event.

Being present is a mentality. When you feel your thoughts start to wander, catch them quick and get back to the present. The people in your life, and the projects on your to-do list, deserve your attention.

As a writer, it’s particularly hard for me because I always have a second thought that follows my current thought: Will this fit into a book or a story somewhere? Or, when I’m trying to listen to a friend, do I have any information in my information archive that can help her? Inspiration is difficult to come by (we can blame distractions for that, too), so any chance that inspiration strikes, I want to be able to write it down and flesh it out so I can make it into a story.

This passage from Isaiah reminds me to be present:

“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the wilderness
and streams in the wasteland.”
-Isaiah 43:18-19

This encouragement from the LORD tells us not to focus on the past or the future. God is doing a new thing in your life right now, and He will make a way when it’s time! Until then, you can thank Him for working in your life and for walking alongside you wherever you go. The next best thing is right now. Don’t procrastinate your enjoyment of life.

Maybe this upcoming week I won’t see my favorite band or meet a bunch of awesome Christian writers, but God has great plans for me even now. Even when life doesn’t seem exciting for me, I thank God that He is with me and He is doing something right now. That alone is exciting to me. So no matter what I end up doing this week, I choose to be present. I choose to invest in those around me. I choose to give my undivided attention to the people and projects that need it.

Who’s with me?

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Categories
Marriage

The Beauty of Letting Go

Why do we have so many fights with our spouses? Why do we keep having the same arguments over and over again?

Because we don’t want to let it go.

I could stop right there. But I don’t want to let it go. I want to hold on to my anger, my hurt, my rightness. My husband can’t get away with saying something like that to me! After all the times I have been so nice to him, how could he speak that way to me?

Oh, right…I haven’t been very nice to him.

I thank God that He lets my sins go. As far as the east is from the west does he remove our sins from us (Psalm 103:12). Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross gave us grace, which means that God does not hold our sins against us anymore. Praise be to God!

Since God forgave me, why is it so difficult to forgive my husband?

We all have excuses about why we say the things we do. We don’t mean to hurt our loved ones, and yet the wrong words come out all the time. From a women’s perspective, I admit that I use more excuses than my husband because I tend to have more times of the month that I’m irritable. But finally, after nearly two years of marriage, I’ve learned to shut my mouth long enough to listen to my husband. He’ll tell me he had a long day of work, and then he’ll say something totally rude to me about an hour later. He’ll tell me that he didn’t get enough sleep last night, and then a few minutes later he’ll give me an attitude. No, he doesn’t usually come out and say, “Sorry, honey, I just had a long day at work and I’m having a hard time controlling my tongue” (because who actually says that when they’re so tired they can’t even make sense of reality?). But I’ve learned that his insults are out of character for him, so I can make an assumption that he’s probably just having an off day.

Although he doesn’t have the same excuses as me about why he’s irritable, he has every right to be tired, hungry, or upset. I can’t expect my husband to be happy all the time, even though he’s happy most of the time. When he’s not at his best, my response is to let it go.

Through devotionals and YouTube videos we’ve been watching online, we’ve learned the importance of letting go. When we hold on to grudges, they can actually put up a wall between us. We may have decided we will never separate, but even if we are together on paper, we can be separate emotionally. On a daily basis, we strive to remove any obstacle from between us so that we can thrive in our marriage and maintain our closeness.

It’s important to let it go. I want to be right, but I would rather be united with my husband, physically and emotionally, than right. Obviously, if the negative comments and insults become continuous, we would have to have a conversation about it. However, if I know he’s having a bad day and he hurts me, I can let it go.

I make it sound so easy. It’s only not easy because we have complicated it. We live in an age of entitlement, when everybody has a right to be right. We all want to be rewarded for our actions and opinions. I have a hard time letting to when I want to prove my husband wrong, but most of all, when I want to protect myself.

If you find yourself in this place, remember that the Lord is our defender. God is our strength and shield. You don’t need to prove yourself in order to be protected. When Jesus was about to be crucified, he had multiple opportunities to prove himself. He even said that he could call a legion of angels to save him (Matthew 26:53). However, he chose to trust in God. No matter what you face, big or small, it is not as big as what Jesus endured for us. We have nothing to prove; we can show love to those around us without having to protect ourselves.

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Categories
anxiety

The Blessing of Difficult People

On this past Marriage Monday, I discussed the first step in dealing with difficult people, and that is to develop sympathy toward them, because they are human. Since then, I’ve thought about how my life would be different if I didn’t have difficult people in my life. When I read my journal from a couple of years ago, I remembered meeting a handful of people that rubbed me the wrong way and attacked my character. Looking back, I realized how they actually helped me more than hurt me.

Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” Think about that visual! Although the people who love us help us to mature, those who are different from us allow us to grow as well. Those people who “rub us the wrong way” are inadvertently rubbing off our mess and making us more like Jesus.

They help you gain a new perspective, which makes you question everything. I specifically had one person who I had kept at arm’s length. When I read my journal a few days ago, the memories flooded back to me about my experiences with her. One thing that she consistently did, unknowingly I’m sure, was give false testimony about me. Those who know me know that I am joyful and childlike (not childish), and I always prefer to look at the positive side. One day, I wrote in my journal that she had told me I complained too much, which is not true. She also told me one day that my joy made her depressed because she could never have what I have, which is also not true. However, although she attacked the very core of my being, instead of crumbling, I examined my heart to reflect on what I was portraying to others. Sure, I thought I was joyful, but maybe to her I complained. Maybe I desired to be childlike, but I was more rigid than I thought. Was my joy annoying? Her attacks made my reflect on my actions and attitude, which is a Biblical practice that God wants us to do on a regular basis.

They keep you humble. Difficult people remind you that you are not perfect. None of us are perfect. You want to be around the people that sing your praises all day, but trust me when I say that you also want to be around those who think you have plenty of room for improvement. At one point, this person called me out on my pride. I had a lot of pride, and I honestly still do. She helped me to see what I needed to change about my life. She also consistently reminded me how much I need Jesus, as her threats and accusations constantly kept me on my knees in prayer.

They help you to show Christ’s love. Jesus commands us to love our enemies. It is easy to love those who love us back, but what about those who don’t? (see Matthew 5:43-48). When I’m around difficult people, I close myself off and don’t want to show love to them. However, that’s not the way God calls me to live. Instead, I need to be honest with God and accept His help. God knows our hearts; He knows when we don’t love those around us. When we’re honest with Him, He equips us to love them through His everlasting, unfailing love. His love puts my love to shame.

Without those difficult people in my life, I would have never grown, at least in the ways that I have. I’ve had people criticize my writing, attack my joy, and call me out for my pride. I can’t believe that years later, I’m still thinking of the people that have hurt me, and the ways they have blessed my life. My experience with difficult people from my past also help me with the people I have in my life now. These people that I’ve lost contact with did their worst to me, and yet I’m still here and I’m still thriving. If I was able to learn to love those difficult people in my life, if I was able to “survive” every attack they threw at me, I am able to love and endure the people who surround me now. No matter how condescending, negative, and criticizing some people are in my life now, I can be confident that God is my defender and that He will grow me even through these difficult people.

If you have difficult people in your life, pray about how God can use them to grow you. Now, please understand that difficult is not abusive. If someone is being abusive to you, run. Do not endure his/her toxicity. However, difficult people are more annoying than hurtful. Allow God to reveal His love through you as you deal with these people that get under your skin.

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Categories
Marriage

Dealing with Difficult People

I usually don’t write disclaimers, but this is a touchy subject, and I guarantee someone is going to read this post and think that it is about him/her. This post is going to be as generic as possible. If you think I’m talking about you and how difficult you are, I’m not. I would encourage you to think instead about how you can improve your relationships with those that are difficult to you. People have confided in me about their difficult in-laws, and their spouse’s possessive friends, grandparents, grandchildren, and step children. This post is not targeted at one person. It is therapeutic for me, as well as for you, to hear how to deal with these difficult people.

So, let’s begin.

From the possessive best friend to the crazy aunt, we’ve learned to put up with our own family and friends throughout the years. However, our spouses are just meeting them for the first time, and they are wondering why these people are in our lives (meanwhile, we stopped wondering that a long time ago!). Dealing with difficult people is even more difficult when the one you love most, your spouse, doesn’t see anything wrong with their behavior.

Think about those earth-shattering events that happened in your life. When your best friend moved away. When your loved one died. When your friend steals your other friend’s boyfriend and now you have to choose sides.

Think also about those happy moments in your life. Going on a family vacation with all of your siblings. Getting hot chocolate to combat the frostbite in your toes when you took your yearly trip to Vermont. Birthday parties and graduations. College.

Both the good and the bad have shaped who you are today. How your parents raised you, where you grew up, where you went to school, who was in your friend group, and where you are now, all play a part in your outlook on life. Your husband may never know everything about your life story, but that’s what makes marriage interesting. For King and Country’s song “Pioneers” reminds me that being married to my husband is an adventure. We are called on a life-long journey to pursue each other and explore the great unknown: our fears, our hopes, our dreams, our expectations, and our hurts.

However, it’s not as fun exploring the past of your husband’s family and friends. You don’t love them like you love your husband.

Different families speak different languages. They may be speaking your native language, but the traditions and silent values are unlike how you were raised. Sure, you may learn over time that we always play UNO after dinner and you can always count on pudding pie for dessert. However, you may not see that Aunt Mary isn’t speaking to Aunt Sue, so we have to sit at tables based on whose side we’re on, and that if you show up wearing red you believe that the host is cheating on her husband. You may not see how your in-laws were raised, or how the cousins were treated, or what friend groups dissipated as a result of something that happened in high school.

The first part of learning to deal with difficult people is realizing that there is so much about them that you don’t know. You judge someone how he is now, but you don’t know how far he’s come or what he’s been through. What if there was abuse? What if there was infedelity? You may be upset that his friend won’t stop texting him, but that friend might be clinging to your husband because your husband saved him from suicide in college. You may be upset that your husband’s grandmother walks around the house in her pajamas, but she might be doing that because she’s in severe pain and any material other than cotton makes her itchy.

We can’t make excuses for people. There are some people who are just plain rude. However, the fact that they are rude does not excuse them from being a part of your life. If they are abusive, that’s a different story, but if they just get on your nerves, you still have to try. I pray that this post helps you to at least see that they don’t mean to be annoying or rude. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it does make them seem a little more human.

If there is a particular person in your life that is causing you grief, pray for God’s grace to meet you when you interact with them.

Photo by Charnee May on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

God Only Knows, But You Should Ask

For King and Country’s new song “God Only Knows” has me crying every time I watch the video. It’s been on repeat since I discovered it about a month ago. The video to this song portrays the internal battle of a woman who is about to commit suicide. Spoiler alert, at the end of the video, her friend notices something is wrong and helps her before she ends it all. God only knows what we’ve been through, because there is no way of knowing what people are going through unless we take the time to ask.

I love writing about how to overcome anxiety because it helps me to overcome anxiety. When I take my eyes off of myself and see that those around me suffer from anxiety, loneliness, and depression, I feel a little less alone. If you suffer from anxiety, take a look around. There are people who need you, even in your brokenness, because even in our brokenness and pain, God can use us to help one another.

For those who have never suffered with depression or anxiety, let me give you a tip: people who are depressed or anxious may never reach out for help. You may tell them that they can come to you any time, that your door is always open, and you’ll always be a safe place, but they will never believe you until you prove it.

There is a sense of guilt and shame around anxiety and depression. Honestly, anxiety and depression go hand in hand. Anxiety is what I feel when I’m full of energy, worried about the future, and depression is when I’m tired, worried about the past. When I tell people I’ve struggled with depression, the FIRST words out of their mouths are usually, “Why didn’t you tell me?” I wish I could communicate the shame I felt from that. Even when I talk about my depression, I feel guilty for being such a downer. Also, often, like with my anxiety, when I talk about it, the people I talk to just want to fix me, not help me.

I share that because I know I’m not alone. I have a good support system, people who I know will pray for me when I’m at my lowest. If you’re worried about me, feel free to reach out, because that’s the point of this post, but please don’t see this as a cry for help. However, there may be some people out there who have nobody, who feel like they’re trapped in their guilt and shame.

God only knows what you’ve been through, but I will do whatever it takes to be there for you and help you work through it.

I heard a sermon from Holly Furtick about giving what you want to receive. Lately, what I’ve wanted to receive is authentic connections with people, not just the casual “Hey, how are you?” I get most often from those around me. I’ve wanted my friends to hold me accountable and to celebrate God’s blessings with me. Thank God, He has provided that through the small groups I’ve been involved with at my church and through reconnecting with some friends after a busy summer.

Listening to that sermon, I wondered how often I do that for other people. I expect people to check up on me and to ask me how I’m doing, but when was the last time I sent a text to my friend asking how I could pray for her? What if my friends are battling depression or anxiety and don’t know how to ask for help? What if people, like me, are afraid of being condemned for their struggles? I can’t read their minds, so I’m going to do whatever it takes to show them that I’m here for them, and take the time to listen to them if they need help.

God only knows what is going on in our hearts, but I guarantee that someone else in your circle has pain in his/her heart too. Reach out to those around you, if you sense that they need help, and God may give you the courage to share your own struggles.

How can we know who is hurting around us? God only knows. In the video, the main character didn’t tell her friend about her plan, but her friend could see something was bothering her. Be aware of your friends and take time to pray for them. God will give you insight into how to pray for them and how to help them as needed.

Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash