Tag: God

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Marriage

I Left My Lung in NY

The bags were all packed.  The three of us were ready to make our trek to the conference.

Having driven to the North Shore of Long Island, taken a ferry across the Long Island Sound, and driven another hour, we finally arrived at our retreat center in Connecticut, over 100 miles from home.  Feeling welcome right away, I met some wonderful women who were genuinely happy that I was there even though they didn’t know me.  I wish I’d been able to talk to them, but the three of us (me and the two women I drove with) were so tired from the long trek that we politely excused ourselves to go to bed.

I found my way to Room 217. I opened the door to my room and saw a private bed with a small wooden desk and an open window covered by cream-colored curtains.  It was cozy, but it was unfamiliar.

Thrusting my bag off my shoulder, I had realized at that moment that I’d forgotten something very important.

I’d forgotten my husband.

My husband and I knew that I would be attending reNEW retreat (a retreat for New England Writing) and that it would be a great way for me to invest in my writing and get a sense of direction on where God was leading me.  He has given me this gift of writing, and I wanted to share it with the world.  This retreat, we were certain, would help me with that.  But this would be the first time in our eleven months of marriage that we would be apart for more than a day.  Separation for four days required a lot of trust and prayer from both of us.

Standing in that small monastery room, my head started to spin as the walls shrunk around me.  It felt as if my lung had been ripped out of my chest and I was forced to breathe with just one lung, double the effort but half the results.  Tears flooded from my eyes.  I covered my mouth, conscientiously preventing my sobs from echoing through the paper-thin walls.  I wasn’t even there ten minutes, and I already wanted to go home.

I knew I was right where I needed to be.  But knowing that didn’t make leaving my husband any easier.

Tears streaming down my face, I remembered the blog post that I had written about how it’s healthy to get some space from your spouse every once in a while.  It’s amazing that God used my own writing to encourage me.  Glory to God!

My husband and I prayed for each other over the phone before I went to bed.  What God led him to pray was exactly what I needed to hear, and exactly how we were able to survive being apart: “Even though we are physically separated, remind us Lord that we are always emotionally and spiritually connected.”  Sniffling the residual tears away with a smile on my face, I hung up the phone and peacefully fell asleep.

As a follower of Christ, I believe that my husband and I are joined together as one flesh by God.  In Matthew 19:6, Jesus tells His disciples: “What God has joined together, let no man separate.”  No matter how much physical distance is between us, our hearts will always be knit together by the love that we have confessed to one another in the sight of God.

In retrospect, I had an incredibly wonderful time at the retreat.  While going for a walk on my own, I started processing my third rewrite of the novel I’ve been working on for several years, finally developing a story line and a back story for each of my characters.  Since I had my own room and desk, I was able to write 50 pages of my novel in the ample amount of free time I was given.  During workshops and at meals, I connected with other women who shared my passion and encouraged me instead of competed with me.  And during the whole retreat, I learned to fully rely on God and trust His timing, especially when my circumstances did not correlate with my desires.  My husband also used his time away from me wisely by catching up with his friends from childhood.  Overall, we survived, and our time apart just made us remember not to take our time together for granted.

It may be difficult to breathe with just one of my lungs, but I can still survive.  And so can he.

Categories
Marriage

Wrapped in His Arms: My Story of Singleness

I want to encourage some singles who may be wondering why God isn’t answering their prayers for a husband/wife.  While I’m not God and I can’t speak for Him, I can speak of what God taught me during my time as a single woman.

I had a crush on a different guy from the time I started preschool basically until shortly before I met my husband.  I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved and to have a person.  Unfortunately, whenever I liked a guy, he did not like me back, and whenever a guy liked me, I did not like him back.  There would be days where I thought the guys that I liked actually liked me back, and I would get super excited that maybe I’d finally get a boyfriend.  Then I’d find out that he had a girlfriend, or that he was just trying to be friendly.  I would spend several weeks wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him, and what I had to change so that he would like me.  After those weeks were over, I would get over him, and then another guy would come into my life.

During this time, I was still following God.  It wasn’t like God was punishing me, or that I was pushing God away because He wasn’t answering my prayers.  I still attended church, I still read the Bible, and I still sought fellowship with other believers.  I knew God was in control, and I loved Him, but the desire for a boyfriend was like a constant poking at my side.  When I would have moments of loneliness, I would put on some worship music and cry.  I wouldn’t even have words.  When I did have words, I would journal pages and pages about my loneliness, ending with the reassurance that God loved me.

I clearly remember the day when I was done.

I was in church, sitting with one of my best friends.  We sang “Revelation Song.” Although I’ve sang this song hundreds of times, these words from the chorus stuck out to me: “You are my everything, and I will adore You.”  I broke into tears realizing that Jesus really was my everything.  I had been placing my faith in a boyfriend for so long that I forgot where my faith actually belonged.

In that short song, I prayed that Jesus would have my heart.  I told Him that He could have it all.  I told Him I would wait as long as He wanted me to wait for a boyfriend.  I was content having it be just me and Him.

That Tuesday, I met my husband.

I was so in shock that God had sent me a man so soon that I didn’t trust my husband at first.  I thought he was a distraction from the plan that God had for me.  But, after praying and seeking counsel from friends and family, I realized that God really did send this guy for me.  We quickly got engaged and married, before I could even blink.  And God has used him to heal me from my past and to feel the love that God intended for me to have.

When my husband and I sit together in church, he’ll put his arm around me.  After seeing couples together in church, I’d always wanted a guy who would put his arm over my chair.  A few weeks ago, God revealed to me that’s what He was doing when those other guys I wanted wouldn’t chase after me.  He had His arm around me, protecting my heart from the guys who didn’t love me in the way He intended.

So, if you’re discontent in your singleness, let me encourage you to think of your relationship with God like the featured image: walking through life with your father holding your hand.  She’s got the doll in her hand, but her focus is really on her father, and on what is in front of her.

Our God is jealous for us, and He desires us to treasure Him above all else.  Remind your soul that Jesus truly is your everything.  And watch how God works in your life.

Photo by Carly Rae Hobbins on Unsplash

Categories
Wisdom Wednesday

How to Overcome When You’re Overwhelmed

As I’ve been slightly overwhelmed these past few weeks, I find it appropriate to write about what to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed.  Two week ago, I shared that if you’re overwhelmed, you’re in good company.  This week, let’s talk about what to do in the heat of the moment.

It amazes me that some people don’t know what a panic attack feels like.  For me, they are a regular struggle; I used to have multiple panic attacks a day, and then they stopped for a few months, and now I have about one every two weeks.  Needless to say, panic attacks are a major inconvenience, no matter how often I get them or how long they last.

For those who don’t know, let me describe a typical panic attack (although panic attacks look different for everyone): throat feels tight, trouble breathing, racing heart, dizziness, blurry vision, hot flashes, nausea, muscle spasms, dry mouth, and stomach knots…all in a matter of five minutes.

Panic attacks tend to occur when I’m feeling overwhelmed.  When I have a ton of things to do and I don’t even know where to start, my muscles tense and I literally become frozen.  I pray and wait until the storm within passes.  Eventually, it does pass, even when it feels like it will never end when it’s actually happening.

If you’re anxious or overwhelmed right now, you probably don’t want to read about it.  You just want help.  Look no further!  Here are five things you can do to calm your nerves and get back on track:

  • Close your eyes: Looking at the pile of work on your desk, the dirty laundry in your bedroom, or a person with whom you have a conflict, can be very overwhelming.  It may help you to just push your chair away from your desk for a minute, turn your head away from the mess, or even go into another room to collect your thoughts.  Don’t let this become an excuse to not get your work done, but taking a break for a few minutes can help you calm down and be ready to face whatever comes your way.
  • Take a deep breath: When I’m anxious, I forget to breathe.  I didn’t realize that I do that until I was in college, and my friend noticed I wasn’t breathing.  Anxiety actually subsides when we let oxygen flow through our brain and allow the body to heal.  I just did a quick search on how oxygen helps with anxiety, and I found that people actually use concentrated oxygen (under doctor or professional supervision, I’m sure) to heal from anxiety and other mental disorders.  So, the air around you can help you if you just, well, use it!
  • Make a list: Write a to-do list and study it.  Seeing all your tasks causes you to look at them and make a plan of action.  They can be counted; they are not innumerable.  You will feel more in control, and you will remember your tasks, if you list what seems like impossible activities.
  • Pray: You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.  He will give you the wisdom to handle your tasks, and the peace to overcome your anxiety.  Pray for clarity of mind as you use wisdom to sort through your to-do list.
  • Move: Do not let the fear paralyze you.  As I said before, anxiety or feeling overwhelmed may hinder you from getting anything done.  Sometimes the best way to overcome the stress is to simply do the task.  When you start moving, you’ll be able to accomplish what you thought was impossible.

The Bible says that when we meditate on the word of God day and night, we will be like a tree planted near streams of water (Psalm 1:1-3).  Wouldn’t you rather be a tree that is rooted on the ground than a leaf that is blown around by the wind?  Trust in God in the midst of anxiety.  He is our foundation, our ever present help in trouble.  Through Him, we can overcome when we feel overwhelmed.

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

How God Works In Your Marriage

It brings joy to my heart to hear couples talk about their marriage in a positive way, especially couples that have been married for a long time.  If couples that have been married for several years can look back on their marriage and smile, in the midst of the various seasons that they have experienced together, I know there’s hope for us newlyweds too!

This week, I asked my friends how they felt God was working in their marriage.  Based on what they said, and on my own personal experience, here are three ways that God works in marriage:

  • He uses my spouse to make me a better person
    The ones we love can point out our strengths and encourage us to grow stronger in them.  They represent Christ’s love to us by affirming us instead of tearing us down.  They help us to carry out God’s plan for our lives.My friend has seen God in her engagement through encouragement.  They both see gifts in each other that they were not able to see on their own.  The encouragement to grow talents and skills that they didn’t even know they had could literally alter the course of their lives.  What a blessing to have someone who loves you to come alongside you and remind you of your strengths!
  • He uses my spouse to keep me in check
    As much as encouragement is important in marriage, accountability is just as important.  We know what we need to do to live righteously, and sometimes we need someone to speak the truth in love to get us back on track.My marriage has been like a mirror, allowing me to see myself for who I really am. My marriage has helped me to be more honest with others, with myself, and with God.  I have seen God through our marriage through my husband’s love for me despite my mistakes, failures, and insecurities.  We don’t let each other talk poorly about ourselves.

    My friend who has been married for nine years also believes that her marriage has helped her grow as a person.  She has learned to make decisions with her husband, which has led them to seek God in prayer when they have to make a decision.

  • He uses my marriage to bring me closer to Him
    Through the ebbs and flows of life, God is constant.  When we go through rough times, we pray that God would lead us, and we pour our hearts into His word. When we go through great times, we praise God and tell our friends about the goodness of God.My friend and professor, who has been married for 42 years, can look back on his marriage and see the faithfulness of God and the unity that God intended for marriage, using 1 Peter 3:7 to describe his marriage.  Walking together through all walks of life, from raising a family to mentoring students, they have served as an example to so many in their marriage.  At the end of the day, they give glory to God for their marriage and for their lives together.

I asked my husband where he sees God in our marriage when we went out to dinner one night. He pointed at the table. “He’s right at the center. Right in between our decisions, and everything we do.” I love that! 

If you’re questioning whether God is working in your marriage, let me encourage you: He can.  Choose today to make God the center of your marriage.  It takes prayer, an intentional effort, and faith that God will make a way.  Connect with couples who have placed their marriage in God’s hands, and be encouraged by the ways that God has worked in their marriage. (That includes us!  If you need any advice or encouragement, please message us or comment on this blog!).

Sometimes God is working in your marriage, but you don’t see it because you need a change in perspective.  Ask God now to show you where He is working in your marriage.  Whether you’re hitting a rough patch together where it’s difficult to see God, or you’re wondering how to get your spouse on the same page as you spiritually, trust God to show you how to respond to His moving in your marriage.

 

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Categories
Wisdom Wednesday

Feeling Overwhelmed?

I’m writing this post after an overwhelming day.  I woke up, left late for work (but by the grace of God made it to work on time), worked eight hours straight under pressure, had a wicked stomachache (which is an absolute nightmare for someone with a fear of throwing up), dealt with crazy drivers on the way home, quickly ate dinner with my husband, and then washed the dishes for two hours.  All the while, I tried to keep a smile on my face and plow through the day without having a breakdown.

Trust me when I say, I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed.  I honestly feel like God puts me in these situations not only to grow me, but to encourage someone else who may also be feeling overwhelmed.  So, if you’re overwhelmed, this one’s for you!

For a long time, I wished that the craziness would stop and that I could just live at peace.  I thought that if I just worked a little bit harder, spent time with the right people, and prayed a little more, I would sort of get to the next level of life, which is the relaxing time.  My older friends lovingly pointed out that the craziness never stops, that life will grow busier and busier as I progress.  This fact honestly just makes me want to dig my face in my hands and cry for a little bit.

What if I told you that God actually wants you to be overwhelmed?

I looked through the Scriptures to find out what to do when I’m overwhelmed.  Although I wish that I could have found evidence that God wants to completely eliminate our chaos, what I’ve found is that God actually wants us to be overwhelmed.  Think about it: Do you think Abraham was overwhelmed when God called him and his wife to start a new life in a foreign land?  Do you think Jacob was overwhelmed when he had twelve kids and two quarreling wives, and he eventually thought his son was dead?  Do you think Gideon was overwhelmed when God shrunk his army from 22,000 to 300 to fight an army that was considered innumerable?  Do you think David was overwhelmed when Saul literally vowed on his life to kill him? (David was so overwhelmed that he wrote several psalms about his experience!)  Do you think Jesus was overwhelmed when He sweat drops of blood in the Garden of Gethsemane?

Friend, if you’re overwhelmed, you’re in good company.

When you are at the end of your rope, that’s when God reveals His strength to hold you up.  When you are running on empty, that’s when God wants you to run to Him.  When you feel like there’s no hope, that’s when God wants you to find hope in Him.  When you’re overwhelmed, that’s when you need to take a deep breath (in through your nose, out through your mouth) and pray that God would give you what you need in that situation.  And when He reveals Himself to you, you realize that your problems aren’t so big anymore.  That’s when your faith in God grows.

So, if being overwhelmed is supposed to happen, how come it feels so wrong?

The difference between being overwhelmed in the way we understand it and being overwhelmed in the way God understands it is the source of our overwhelming.  In other words, what overwhelms us defines whether or not we can live at peace.  Being overwhelmed by the things of this world (our jobs, our families, our school, our health, our chores, etc.) will drain us, but being overwhelmed by God will fill us.

When the people of the Bible were overwhelmed, what did they do?  They looked up. They remembered that their Heavenly Father was bigger than anything they could face. As Abraham walked, God revealed all the land that He had created, the land that Abraham’s descendants would one day inherit.  When Jacob had doubts, God wrestled with him and overtook him, reminding Jacob of the Lord’s mighty strength.  When Gideon doubted that God could use the weakest member of the smallest clan of Israel, God used him and 300 willing men to defeat an innumerable army. When David was overwhelmed, he meditated on the greatness of God, and it brought him peace.  When Jesus was overwhelmed to the point of death, He spent the last few hours of His life on Earth praying for God’s will to be done.

If you’re overwhelmed, you’re in good company.  You’re also in good hands.  If you trust in God, He will guide you in the way you should go.  When you’re feeling overwhelmed, look up at Him and remember that what you are facing is no match for your great God.

Oh, and did I mention how I actually made it through the day today?  I started the day with worship.  My commute to work was so much easier knowing that God was with me in that car.  The prayers I prayed and the moments I shared with Him in the morning planted the seeds of hope that I needed for the rest of the day.  I sat in the car, overwhelmed by God, and not overwhelmed by my circumstances.

Next week, I will address practical steps to handle stress in the heat of the moment.  But for now, I think it’s time for bed!

Photo by Rich Lock on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

5 Questions to Ask Besides “When Are You Having Kids?”

As a newlywed who has heard this question too many times, I tread very lightly on these waters by hoping to make it easier for other people to be content in their own season of their marriage.

In this culture, it appears that everyone is always waiting for the next best thing.  I learned this when I was a senior in high school, when everyone asked me where I wanted to go to college, what I wanted to major in, if I wanted to dorm/commute, etc.  It’s like no one was ever satisfied.  So I gave into their demands, always reaching for the next step.  I went to college.  I graduated.  I got my first “real” job.  I got a boyfriend.  I got engaged.  I got married.  I got an apartment.

But the questions never stop.  And I was never content.

Before you ask a newlywed any questions about kids, keep in mind that there are five types of newlyweds in terms of having kids.  I love including Twitter statistics in my blogs, especially since it’s fun to try new research and ask different questions.  This week, nine newlyweds chimed in about where they are in their family planning.

Never having kids (11%): This couple has decided that they do not want to have kids.  It may shock you if you have baby fever, but there are people out there who don’t want kids for various reasons.  Just be sensitive to the fact that not everyone shares that same desire to have children.

Having kids but not now (33%): This couple may want to enjoy this season of marriage and get to know each other better.  They look forward to one day having children, but for now they are going on dates, asking each other deep questions, and simply trying to find contentment in this season.  They may also have issues they need to deal with (whether financial, emotional, or physical) before they can take that next step into starting a family.

Pregnant but not telling anyone (44%, along with “obviously pregnant” below): Newlyweds want to tell the important people in their lives (their parents, family members, and close friends) that they are pregnant before announcing it to the whole world.  As a matter of fact, it’s considered rude to post it on Facebook or for a loved one to find out through someone else.  Don’t put the couple in an awkward situation by asking them if they’re pregnant and no one else knows yet.  Let them tell you; don’t make them tell you.

Want kids but unable to get pregnant (12%): It hurts a woman who wants to be a mother to get consistently asked about having children, but for some reason, people seem to stumble into that question in conversation!  Most women who are unable to have children do not want to talk about it with the average person, especially since it typically involves very personal issues with their health.  Do not persist in the conversation if you notice the woman seeming uncomfortable.

Obviously pregnant/already have kids (44%, along with “pregnant but not telling anyone” above): You can tell when someone is nine months pregnant whether she’s having kids any time soon, so the question “When are you having kids?” might sound a little silly.  What I would suggest for these people is not to ask “Do you want any more kids?” but to enjoy the child/children that the couple already has.

The newlywed stage is such a dynamic, complex stage that it cannot be defined the same way for every couple.  The average newlywed couple moves to a new home, starts a new job, makes new friends together, spends time with new family members, and has new additions to their family through marriage or birth.  They say the first few years are the hardest, and I’m sure all these uprooting and changes don’t help with the roller coaster of emotions that each couple faces.

The same principle is true for having kids.  One couple might get pregnant on the honeymoon, while one couple might wait five years to grow their family.  One couple might want six kids, while one couple might not want any.  It is difficult enough to be in this dynamic stage of marriage without getting unsolicited advice, especially about having children.

I know it’s tough not to ask a newlywed any questions about having kids.  Even as a new wife, I find myself wanting to ask other couples about their plans.  So, to help you out, here are five other questions you can ask to a newlywed couple in order to encourage contentment in their marriage:

What is your favorite thing about your spouse?  It is such a common practice to complain about your spouse.  The stereotypical situation is a group of women congregating around a table and joking about the stupid things their husbands did that day (I’m sure men do it too, but I’ve never been in a circle with men, so I wouldn’t know personally).  It would be nice to change the atmosphere and encourage newlyweds to think about what they actually like about their spouses.  Hearing the new, fresh love they have for their spouse may encourage you to appreciate your spouse as well.

What do you like to do together as a couple?  Newlywed couples need something to do together (besides the obvious).  I especially like this question since my love language is quality time, which means I’m always looking for fun things to do with my husband.  Help the newlywed couple in your life find contentment by helping them find fun activities to do together.

Do you enjoy meeting together with other couples?  Newlywed couples also need accountability and example to help them in their marriage.  When my husband and I first got engaged, it was so tempting for us to just sit in my apartment and stare into each other’s eyes for eleven months.  However, we realized soon after that we wanted to share our love for each other and learn from other couples who also loved each other.  We joined a small group for engaged and newly married couples, and we became friends with some people in our church who meet with us on a regular basis.  It is so encouraging to be around other newlywed couples who also want to honor God in their marriage.

Would you like to go out with me and my spouse for a double date?  If you’ve been married for a long time, we need you!  Please, take us out and share your wisdom with us.  We also enjoy going out with couples who have been married for less time, as we are able to process our own marriage and share our wisdom with others as well.

How can I pray for you? This is a great question to ask any newlywed, whether they are currently dealing with children, pregnant, trying to get pregnant but can’t, waiting, or don’t desire children at all.  This question allows newlyweds to reflect on their current struggles.  It also humbles the folks who may be seasoned in their marriage to not give advice, but to ask God to intervene in their marriage. After all, in every season, when God is in the center of your marriage, He has a plan and is able to provide for you and your spouse.  So, instead of asking “When are you having kids?” pray that God would allow the couple to be content in this season and to learn to love each other deeply, fully, and unconditionally.

Photo by Ryan Franco on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

What You Say When You Attend a Wedding

This past Saturday, someone very special got married: my mom!  I had the privilege of walking my mom down the aisle with my sister, as well as helping her get ready, praying with her before the ceremony, and answering the wedding coordinator’s questions.  I also had the chance to meet my new step siblings and nephew and make a connection with them.  It was so exciting to be a part of my mom’s special day, and I’m so happy for the future that God has for her and my new stepdad.

Let me be clear with you: I didn’t do these things to help my mom simply because I was her daughter.  It wasn’t simply my responsibility to help her because she helped me on my wedding day.  No one forced me to be there for her and pray for her.  Rather, I helped her because I wanted to make it known that I support her in her marriage and that I will continue to remind her of her commitment to her husband.

As a culture, we seem to have forgotten the importance of a wedding.  The wedding is not about the free food.  The wedding is not about busting out your favorite dance moves or making a conga line.  The wedding is not about having your way and criticizing everything you don’t like.  The wedding is not about getting black-out drunk and doing stupid things that you’ll probably regret in the morning.  Even if the wedding does have free food, fun dancing, and alcohol (and possibly things you don’t like), those things aren’t the point of the wedding.

On the contrary, the wedding is actually about a man and a woman making a decision before God and before those they love to honor one another and be faithful to one another.  As an attendee of the wedding, your job is to stand as witness of their testimony and to hold them accountable in their decision.

What does that actually look like when the honeymoon is over and everyone has eaten their cookie favor?

As all couples know who have been married for longer than a day, conflict and fights are going to happen in your marriage.  Unfortunately, the common thing for loved ones to do is to take your side in the argument.  If you attended my wedding, for example, and I came to you and told you that my husband made me cry because of some trivial argument, you should not tell me, “Wow, what a jerk!  I knew you shouldn’t have married him.”  Instead, your job is to encourage reconciliation between me and my husband; take our side in the argument.  You should gently remind me of the covenant I made with God and my husband to be faithful to him and to always work for our marriage.  Pray for us.  Ask God to give us wisdom.  And send me on my merry way back to my husband.

Next week, I’ll be going to my fourth wedding of the year, my husband’s cousin.  Although I’m looking forward to seeing my family and to having a great time at the party, I will be listening to their vows during the ceremony and will be praying for their success in marriage.  My husband and I will write a prayer in the card so that they can remember that we are asking God to intervene in their union, in the good times and the bad.  We also did that at the three weddings we already attended this year, and we will do so at the weddings we will be attending in the near future.

Let me encourage you: if you cannot do this for a couple who invited you to their wedding, do not attend the wedding.  It is better for you not to go than for you to show up with negativity, criticism, and/or an unwillingness to want to see them succeed in their marriage.  If you are a Christian and do not believe that God is in favor of their marriage, refusing to attend the wedding may encourage the couple to examine their hearts and invite God into their union.

When you go to a wedding, stand with the couple making their vows, and pray that God would be faithful to help them keep their vows from this day forward.

Photo by Tom The Photographer on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

My Husband is Not My Everything

About a year ago, my husband (who was my fiance at the time) woke up with a serious migraine.  He had never had a migraine before, so his mother and I brought him to Urgent Care to make sure he was okay.  The physician gave my husband a shot that was supposed to help his headache, but ended up making him nauseous.  I wanted to be there for him, but I have a fear of throwing up that makes it traumatic for me to even listen to someone gagging.  Knowing this, my husband told me to leave the room because he felt like he was going to throw up.  I didn’t want to leave him.  I wanted to prove that I could be there to support him.  I wanted my love for him to be stronger than my limits.  I wanted everyone to know that I was willing to be my husband’s everything.

But the minute he started to gag, I involuntarily bolted out of the room before he could start vomiting.

The rest of the day, I felt so guilty for leaving him there.  He ended up having to go to the hospital because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him.  When I found out, I was on my way to my sister’s house to celebrate Father’s Day with my family.  There was nothing I could do but pray and enjoy my time with my dad and siblings.  Eventually, I did get to see my husband in the hospital, bring him some pizza, and keep him company.

This may be an extreme example, but God used this moment to teach me a valuable lesson: I’m not meant to be my husband’s everything.  God used my husband’s parents, the doctors, and our family members to minister to my husband in a way that I was not able to at the time.

It’s a cute idea to say that my husband completes me.  But do you realize what that looks like?  Just think about what it would be like for my husband to be everything for me.  He would be a mind-reader so that I feel understood, a fitness instructor to motivate me to work out, a literary coach to make sure that my writing is top notch, a pillow for when I can’t sleep at night, my alarm clock for when I want to sleep all day, my chauffeur, my chef, my resume-builder, and of course, the guy that helps me know I’m loved!

So basically, if my husband were my everything, I would have no responsibility, and I would have no need for anyone else in my life.

But that’s not how God created us.

You see, my husband can’t be my number one, because God is my number one.  God is the only One who can complete me.  Colossians 2:10 says that I are complete in Christ.  Second Corinthians 1:3 says that God comforts me when I need to be comforted.  Matthew 22:37 says that I am to love the Lord with all I am first, and then I love others and myself.  The love that I have for my husband is just an overflow of the love that God has given me.  God is love, and I love because He first loved me.

A relationship with God is most important in order to find contentment, peace, and joy in your life.  Only after establishing your relationship with God can you then have a successful relationship with your spouse.  If you try to put your husband first, you will end up looking to him for things that only God can perfectly give you.

An example of this in my own marriage is quality time.  My husband and I spend plenty of time together, but I still get sad whenever he leaves for work or whenever he wants to see his friends.  It’s obvious that quality time is my love language!  When I feel lonely and expect my husband to stay home with me, I take out my Bible or my journal and I pour my heart before the Lord, knowing that He will never leave me or forsake me.

Gaining insight from other people also helps my marriage in addition to my well-being.  I have a small group of women that I can call when my husband just isn’t understanding girly issues.  My husband has friends that understand his love for video games and can just chill with him.  When we spend time with other people, we take the load off of each other, and have more to talk about when we actually do spend time together! (For more information, check out my blog on separation here).

May you be united to the Lord in love and peace, and may your union to Him bring you even closer to your spouse!

 

Photo by India Tupy on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

I Have the Best Husband Ever…And Here’s Why

My husband is the best husband ever!  He is faithful to me; I never have to wonder if he still loves me.  He makes me feel beautiful, even if I’m bummin’ around the house wearing pajamas.  He prays with me, challenges me to grow in my faith, and encourages me to follow my dreams.  And, of course, he bought me a beautiful blue engagement ring to symbolize his love for me, because it matches my eyes (which is his favorite part about my appearance!).

The truth is: no other guy compares to my husband…and that’s the way it should be.

You see, my husband is the best husband ever because he’s my husband.  God knew that I needed him in my life, and He gave me the ability to love this man for the rest of my life.  I couldn’t ask for a better husband because I’m committed to loving this guy for as long as I live.  No other man can take his place, because no other man was meant to do so.

I heard something funny on the radio the other day.  A listener had called in and was bragging about how he writes poems for his wife.  The radio host then joked, “Aw, now my wife is going to expect me to write her poems!”

In a world where it is easy to compare, we either wish we had spouses like someone else, or we envy couples who are actually enjoying their marriage.  We might want a husband who talks more, who helps around the house more, who is more organized, or who is more sensitive to your emotions—and we can probably imagine a guy who fits all of those criteria.

When we start to see the flaws in our spouses, we might be tempted to look for someone who does not have those flaws.  If you follow this way of thinking, let me lovingly stop you right there.  Let me reach through the screen, grab your shoulders, and look straight in your eyes as I tell you: your husband was never meant to be your everything.  Your husband’s job is to continually point you back to God, whether he loves you unconditionally and you can see God’s love flowing through him, or he falls short and you can see that God is the only one who’s perfect.

You might not struggle with wanting to change your man for a newer or nicer model, but you might struggle with another type of comparison.

My life over the past few years has felt like an episode of Four Weddings, a show that involves four brides that all attend each other’s weddings and essentially vote on who had the best wedding.  My husband and I got married in November, but we have attended countless engagement parties, bridal showers, and weddings since then.  Every time I go to an event, I praise God that I was married first, or I would be comparing my plans and ideas to everyone else’s.  But by the grace of God, I’m able to enjoy the weddings I attend and not get caught up in all the details.

As you get older and more of your friends get married, it may be tempting to also compare your marriages.  Look how often they get to travel!  They bought a house already?  They’re having another baby, and we haven’t even had one yet!  When we compare our marriages to those of others, we feel discontent and we lose the ability to enjoy the marriage that God has given us.

If you find yourself comparing your marriage or wedding to someone else’s, please understand this: God put your spouse in your life because He knew that this person would be the best at being your life partner.  And God did the same for your spouse: He knew you would be the right companion for him/her as well.  Make a practice of thanking God for your spouse and for joining you two together as husband and wife.

Life is not a competition.  Learn to love your spouse but also learn to appreciate the love between the other couples in your life.  Let’s cheer others on in their marriages, while also finding contentment in our own!

Photo by William Stitt on Unsplash

 

Categories
Throwback Thursday

#ThrowbackThursday to the Desires of My Heart

I wrote this blog on my previous blog five years ago.  I was going to put the site on here, but it looks like my Blogspot account was deleted! Thank God I copied and pasted it before I lost all of the other content.  Enjoy the musings of a single young woman, a yearning college student with her whole life ahead of her!

The Desires of Your Heart
(Originally posted on August 9, 2012 on Blogspot)

Take delight in the Lord,
    and he will give you the desires of your heart.-Psalm 37:4, NIV

 
But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides.-Matthew 6:33, AMP

Did you ever wonder if you were completely following God’s plan?  Being a college student, I see people constantly asking themselves if God actually wanted them to major in such and such.  Students change their major numerous times to find that perfect plan that God has for them.  Although it is great to seek God’s counsel in your life, while considering what God wanted you to do with your life, did you ever consider what you wanted to do with your life?

For the past two days, God has been waking me up with the desire to study Psalm 37:4.  The first time that God woke me up with this verse, I had a dream that I was talking to one of my friends about the calling on his life.  He was really worried that he had chosen a major in college because it was what he wanted to do, not what God wanted him to do.  He felt that he had wasted his time in college studying at an expensive school instead of pursuing a degree at a Bible college or seminary.  In my dream, I was telling him that God gives us the desires of our hearts.  Although God has a plan for us, He gives us interests and uses those interests in His plan.

I have mentioned before that I am studying TESOL in a small Christian college.  Before I started going to this school, I had wanted to be a writer.  I had a passion for writing.  Writing was what I wanted to share with the world; I wanted to write books that children would enjoy.  I loved reading, and I wanted to give children something to read so that they could be entertained just like I was by books. Although I had felt that writing was in my future, when I went on my first missions trip, I felt God calling me to be a missionary.  As a result of this call, I completely threw away my desire to be a writer.

Over time, I realized that I still loved writing.  During my first semester at college, my friends would constantly complain about writing papers.  I could not relate; even if it was a research paper about the long history of the Baptist church, I loved getting my ideas written out in words.  I had no problems helping my friends write their papers for classes.

When I transferred to my current school, I learned that many missionaries are now pursuing a degree in teaching English abroad.  When I first heard of TESOL, I ran from it.  I had stuffed my desires deep into my heart, hoping never to have them touched again.  God had given me the desire to be a missionary, and that should supersede my desire to be a writer.  That semester, I was required to take a class about starting a transforming spiritual journey with God.  My professor confessed that he had liked art as a kid, but he had suppressed his love for arts.  Later in life, he had explained, God had told him to start writing, singing, playing music, and painting again.  God had given him the desires of his heart; He had given him the desire to creatively express himself and share his emotions with the world.

When my professor said that to us, it spoke to me.  God asked me, “Why are you hiding your love for writing?  I gave you that love.”  I did not want to start writing yet.  I wrestled with what God was saying to me for about a year.  As I have posted before, after starting a job at the Writing Center, I realized that I could use my love for writing to help students who did not like writing.  I could still use my ideas to inspire others to have a voice.  Nothing made me happier than knowing that I could please God and still enjoy life.

The second time God woke me up with Psalm 37:4, I was wondering when my husband was going to come into my life.  About two months ago, I broke off a relationship that I had had with my boyfriend for two years, and I feel that God wants me to wait before I go back into another relationship.  God has taught me that being in a relationship takes time and energy that I do not have as a college student.  However, the yearnings for a husband are still there.

During my quiet time, I desired to know the meaning of the verse.  I looked in my study Bible for answers, but it had almost nothing to say about Psalm 37:4.  Finally, I asked the Holy Spirit to bring light to the words I was reading.  As I started saying the words to the verse out loud, I thought of Matthew 6:33: “But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.”  These words from Jesus are like the New Testament version of Psalm 37:4: “Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.”  As I started thinking of this, I felt the sense that desires are not wrong.  To act on that desire and choosing to ignore God’s plan for me right now would be a sin, but the hope that I will be married in the future is not a sin.

It amazes me that something could be a sin just because it is not what God has for you at that time.  For example, it is simply showing love if you have sex with your spouse, but it is sexual immorality if you have sex with a stranger.

As Jesus said, we need to seek first God’s interests.  Your love for God should shine in everything you do.  Obviously, because of your sinful nature, you have desires that go against God’s will for your life.  However, by surrendering your desires to God, you can discover that the wants that you have actually stem from a necessity to know God more.  Instead of praying for that perfect man or woman to come into your life, acknowledge your desire to be loved and to show love to someone else in return, and be encouraged that the Creator of the universe loves you enough to listen to your prayers and to forgive you.

After I meditated on my desire for a husband, I gave it over to God.  I declared that, even if I did not get a husband, I would still serve Him and honor Him in everything that I did.  When I meet someone, I proclaimed to God, I would love him with God’s love and I would honor God in our relationship.  Later that day, I went to my church and I saw two couples that are truly in love with each other.  Instead of being grouchy and asking God where my Prince Charming was, I stopped and admired what these two couples had.  I had hope that, if God had someone for me, we would love each other like the members of these couples did.  Instead of lusting for a husband to come into my life immediately, I had hope for the future.  I had hope that God had given me the desire to love someone unconditionally, and that in the future I will have the opportunity to do so.

Think about the desires you have and surrender them to God.  You do not have to stop doing what you love, but you do have to let God take control of those desires.  God knows that you want things for the future, and He loves you.  In His timing, if you put Him first in everything you do, He will give you more than anything you could ever imagine having on your own.

 

Photo by Jade on Unsplash