Tag: Marriage

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Marriage

Grace Covers Our Happily Ever After

There is a lie from our culture that says that once we have a husband, everything is going to be okay.  We struggle with sin, and we feel ashamed and unworthy, but once that Prince Charming comes on his white horse to pick us up, we’re clean and we no longer struggle.  Friend, my Prince Charming came a long time ago, and His name is Jesus.  I didn’t need my husband to rescue me, and even if I did, he did not (and cannot) make me perfect.

Even after you’ve found what our culture calls your “Prince Charming,” your marriage will not instantly be a happily ever after.

When my husband and I were planning our wedding, we had a lot of internal (between the two of us) and external (from other people) conflict while planning.  I thought that all the conflict would be resolved once we crossed the finish line into marriage.

But it didn’t go quite like that.

Once we made it back from our honeymoon, once the drama of wedding planning was officially over…we looked at each other and thought, now what? Although the Bible says that two become one flesh when we get married, we still felt like separate people.  We still had our own agendas, our own habits, and our own traditions to maintain.  Where did this whole marriage thing fit in?

On Sunday, it will be our one year anniversary.  The other day, we were thinking about the past year.  I realized how much we had learned in just one year.  What was difficult for us before was still difficult, but it is a lot easier now.  What was impossible for us before was now thinkable, and we know it will only get better in time.  After one year, we now communicate better.  After one year, we now have shorter fights.  After one year, we now strategically pray for each other and know how to ask for what we need.  After one year, we have realized more about becoming one flesh.

We should have a strong foundation in Christ when we go into marriage, but we should not expect that everything will go according to plan.  We don’t have to worry if we make a mistake in our marriage, as long as we learn from them to improve for the future.  It’s not the end of the world if we fight and use words that we, according to pre-marital counselors, should never use.  Our marriage isn’t going to fail just because we skipped out on date night.  We’re not terrible people if we go over budget every once in a while.  Our habits, conflicts, and communication styles can change, because God is constantly changing us.  While we seek to do everything right in our marriage, when we fall short, we can rely on God’s grace to keep us together.

Now that we’re nearing the end of our first year of marriage, we can look back and see all that God has done in our marriage from the beginning.  But we also understand that we’re not marriage experts.  Looking back on our first year, we can plan ahead for the next year.  How can we communicate even better?  How can we make our quality time even more meaningful?  How can we resolve conflict in such a way that we both win?  How can we make better decisions that accommodate both of our needs?

Marriage does not make everything better.  As a matter of fact, marriage exposes the flaws that we have so that we can work toward making them better.  Marriage takes time, and time takes patience on the part of both the husband and the wife.  Celebrate your successes together, while also looking at how you can both improve.

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

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Marriage

Marriage Monday: What Do You See?

We all remember the debate about the color of the dress.  Now there is a new debate: what color are the shoes?  My husband and I already disagreed on the dress color (I see white and gold, and he sees blue and black).  But these shoes were going to be different.  These shoes were clearly without a doubt grey and teal.  I did not see any other color.

Without saying any context, I asked my husband what color were the shoes. Without skipping a beat, he replied: “Pink and white.”  I was fuming.  How could he not see the picture my way?  What was so obviously grey and teal to me was so obviously pink and white to him, and we just couldn’t see eye to eye, literally, on the issue.

But that’s not the only thing we don’t see eye to eye on.

My husband and I grew up in two different families, with two different worldviews.  Even though he lived a few towns away from me for his whole life, and we definitely ran into each other at the local KMart a few times as children, sometimes it’s like we were born worlds apart from each other.

Who knew my Intercultural Studies degree would come in handy in my own marriage?

Whether your issues are as simple as deciding on a color for your bedroom or as complex as where you’re going to spend Thanksgiving, here are some ways that we’ve learned to collaborate even though we see things differently:

Learn to clearly communicate: I may be saying ABC, but my husband is hearing 123. We think that we’re speaking the same language, but when we say one thing to each other, we interpret it as something completely different.  Do not take for granted that you and your husband speak the same language.  Do whatever it takes to make sure that you are both speaking the same language.  If your husband is saying something important, repeat what he says so that you can reiterate that you understood him correctly.  If something is confusing, ask him to elaborate.  This may sound annoying and time-consuming, but nothing is more important than making sure you are on the same page as your spouse.

Do not assume: I tend to think of myself as a mind reader, but I’ve realized that instead of mind reading, I’m actually assigning feelings/thoughts to people that aren’t really there.  For example, I’ll tell my husband something that I believe is great news, and he’ll reply with silence.  I’ll wait a few minutes for him to say something, but he doesn’t.  So, I say out loud, “I guess it’s not great news to you.  I guess you can’t relate but you don’t want to hurt my feelings, so you’re not saying anything.”  I come up with all these motivations that my husband could have had for being quiet, but none of them were true.  He was just in the middle of making dinner, and he was focused on making sure the food came out just right.  Do not assign feelings to your spouse.  If you need to, ask why he/she responded that way.

Take a step back: Sometimes works of art require you to examine it from a distance to truly capture its beauty.  It is the same thing with conversation.  Take a step back from the conversation to truly process what is going on.  If you can’t give your spouse 100% of your attention, be honest.  “Hey, honey, can we continue this conversation later?  I really value what you’re saying, but I can’t concentrate on what you’re saying right now.  Let’s talk about it after dinner tonight.”  Make definite plans to talk about the important piece of information.  If it’s a fight, and you both need clarity, stop what you’re both doing and pray.  God can help you see what you both need to know.

The truth is, the shoe in this picture is pink and white, regardless of how you personally see it.  The lighting was altered so that some people see pink and white, while some (like me) see grey and teal.  You can see the real shoe if you do a quick Google search.  When you don’t see eye to eye, sometimes all you need to do is change the lighting so you both see the same color.  When you agree to work toward seeing eye to eye, that’s when your marriage will flourish.

When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” -John 8:12

*I honestly don’t know where the picture originated, but this picture was taken from Google.

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Marriage

Standing Together

We’ve heard lots of advice when we were preparing for marriage.  Some of it was good, and some of it was just plain distasteful.  One of the best pieces of advice that we both received at the exact same time in different places is “You need to join a couples small group.”

One of the girls that I’ve watched grow up in the church told her mother that I had just gotten engaged.  Her parents had a small group for couples who were engaged and married up to five years (newlyweds).  From the other side of the Atrium, her mother called me and invited me to her group.  I instantly wanted to sign up, but I needed to get permission from my then fiance first.

My husband was in Florida, helping his grandfather who was terminally ill.  He visited his aunt’s church that Sunday.  While I was being invited to join her Bible study in New York, a woman that I had never met was praying over my husband, encouraging him to join a small group with couples so that we could learn from each other.  When I called him about the small group, he knew it was a complete confirmation.

We have been in the group for almost two years now, and it has been nothing short of a blessing.  We have a safe place where we can be real about our struggles and we can hear the struggles of others so we know that we are not alone.  When we see each other at church, we ask each other how we’re doing and we truly feel encouraged by each other’s company.  They don’t just throw advice our way; they talk to us and ask us specifically how they can pray for us (which is what newlywed couples need most).  We also go over a Bible study each year to help us center our marriages around God.

We have other couple friends who are not in our Bible study, but we see them at church and are involved in ministry with us.  We have taken a front-row seat into their marriage to see how all this theological stuff on marriage is played out in everyday life.  We have watched them interact with each other, go through the process of raising kids, engage with in-laws and relatives and friends.  All the while, they provide us advice and encouragement as well.  It is such a blessing to have them in our lives.

When we got married,  we wouldn’t have known what to expect if it wasn’t for these people in our lives.  We wouldn’t have been aware of the conflicts that would arise or the feelings we would encounter or the struggles we would face in our first year of marriage.  The couples who have blazed the trail before us were able to give us an inside look into their stories so that we could learn from them.  We are so thankful to have friends and family who are married and can simply share their lives with us.

Do you have that sort of accountability?

Find a couple in your church or in your family that is a good example of marriage to you.  Whether it’s your parents, your aunt/uncle, your cousins, your older siblings, small group leaders, or a well-respected couple in the church, you can simply start off the conversation by asking them about their marriage.  Pray that you can be real with them as they are real with you.  Then, learn from them.  Sit at their feet and see what it’s like to be married.  May they be people who give you an inside look into their marriage so that you will be prepared.  You will learn so much from their wisdom and experience.  What you learn will encourage you in your struggles and your successes as a couple.

 

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Marriage

Wrapped in His Arms: My Story of Singleness

I want to encourage some singles who may be wondering why God isn’t answering their prayers for a husband/wife.  While I’m not God and I can’t speak for Him, I can speak of what God taught me during my time as a single woman.

I had a crush on a different guy from the time I started preschool basically until shortly before I met my husband.  I just wanted to know what it felt like to be loved and to have a person.  Unfortunately, whenever I liked a guy, he did not like me back, and whenever a guy liked me, I did not like him back.  There would be days where I thought the guys that I liked actually liked me back, and I would get super excited that maybe I’d finally get a boyfriend.  Then I’d find out that he had a girlfriend, or that he was just trying to be friendly.  I would spend several weeks wondering why I wasn’t good enough for him, and what I had to change so that he would like me.  After those weeks were over, I would get over him, and then another guy would come into my life.

During this time, I was still following God.  It wasn’t like God was punishing me, or that I was pushing God away because He wasn’t answering my prayers.  I still attended church, I still read the Bible, and I still sought fellowship with other believers.  I knew God was in control, and I loved Him, but the desire for a boyfriend was like a constant poking at my side.  When I would have moments of loneliness, I would put on some worship music and cry.  I wouldn’t even have words.  When I did have words, I would journal pages and pages about my loneliness, ending with the reassurance that God loved me.

I clearly remember the day when I was done.

I was in church, sitting with one of my best friends.  We sang “Revelation Song.” Although I’ve sang this song hundreds of times, these words from the chorus stuck out to me: “You are my everything, and I will adore You.”  I broke into tears realizing that Jesus really was my everything.  I had been placing my faith in a boyfriend for so long that I forgot where my faith actually belonged.

In that short song, I prayed that Jesus would have my heart.  I told Him that He could have it all.  I told Him I would wait as long as He wanted me to wait for a boyfriend.  I was content having it be just me and Him.

That Tuesday, I met my husband.

I was so in shock that God had sent me a man so soon that I didn’t trust my husband at first.  I thought he was a distraction from the plan that God had for me.  But, after praying and seeking counsel from friends and family, I realized that God really did send this guy for me.  We quickly got engaged and married, before I could even blink.  And God has used him to heal me from my past and to feel the love that God intended for me to have.

When my husband and I sit together in church, he’ll put his arm around me.  After seeing couples together in church, I’d always wanted a guy who would put his arm over my chair.  A few weeks ago, God revealed to me that’s what He was doing when those other guys I wanted wouldn’t chase after me.  He had His arm around me, protecting my heart from the guys who didn’t love me in the way He intended.

So, if you’re discontent in your singleness, let me encourage you to think of your relationship with God like the featured image: walking through life with your father holding your hand.  She’s got the doll in her hand, but her focus is really on her father, and on what is in front of her.

Our God is jealous for us, and He desires us to treasure Him above all else.  Remind your soul that Jesus truly is your everything.  And watch how God works in your life.

Photo by Carly Rae Hobbins on Unsplash

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Marriage

How God Works In Your Marriage

It brings joy to my heart to hear couples talk about their marriage in a positive way, especially couples that have been married for a long time.  If couples that have been married for several years can look back on their marriage and smile, in the midst of the various seasons that they have experienced together, I know there’s hope for us newlyweds too!

This week, I asked my friends how they felt God was working in their marriage.  Based on what they said, and on my own personal experience, here are three ways that God works in marriage:

  • He uses my spouse to make me a better person
    The ones we love can point out our strengths and encourage us to grow stronger in them.  They represent Christ’s love to us by affirming us instead of tearing us down.  They help us to carry out God’s plan for our lives.My friend has seen God in her engagement through encouragement.  They both see gifts in each other that they were not able to see on their own.  The encouragement to grow talents and skills that they didn’t even know they had could literally alter the course of their lives.  What a blessing to have someone who loves you to come alongside you and remind you of your strengths!
  • He uses my spouse to keep me in check
    As much as encouragement is important in marriage, accountability is just as important.  We know what we need to do to live righteously, and sometimes we need someone to speak the truth in love to get us back on track.My marriage has been like a mirror, allowing me to see myself for who I really am. My marriage has helped me to be more honest with others, with myself, and with God.  I have seen God through our marriage through my husband’s love for me despite my mistakes, failures, and insecurities.  We don’t let each other talk poorly about ourselves.

    My friend who has been married for nine years also believes that her marriage has helped her grow as a person.  She has learned to make decisions with her husband, which has led them to seek God in prayer when they have to make a decision.

  • He uses my marriage to bring me closer to Him
    Through the ebbs and flows of life, God is constant.  When we go through rough times, we pray that God would lead us, and we pour our hearts into His word. When we go through great times, we praise God and tell our friends about the goodness of God.My friend and professor, who has been married for 42 years, can look back on his marriage and see the faithfulness of God and the unity that God intended for marriage, using 1 Peter 3:7 to describe his marriage.  Walking together through all walks of life, from raising a family to mentoring students, they have served as an example to so many in their marriage.  At the end of the day, they give glory to God for their marriage and for their lives together.

I asked my husband where he sees God in our marriage when we went out to dinner one night. He pointed at the table. “He’s right at the center. Right in between our decisions, and everything we do.” I love that! 

If you’re questioning whether God is working in your marriage, let me encourage you: He can.  Choose today to make God the center of your marriage.  It takes prayer, an intentional effort, and faith that God will make a way.  Connect with couples who have placed their marriage in God’s hands, and be encouraged by the ways that God has worked in their marriage. (That includes us!  If you need any advice or encouragement, please message us or comment on this blog!).

Sometimes God is working in your marriage, but you don’t see it because you need a change in perspective.  Ask God now to show you where He is working in your marriage.  Whether you’re hitting a rough patch together where it’s difficult to see God, or you’re wondering how to get your spouse on the same page as you spiritually, trust God to show you how to respond to His moving in your marriage.

 

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Marriage

5 Questions to Ask Besides “When Are You Having Kids?”

As a newlywed who has heard this question too many times, I tread very lightly on these waters by hoping to make it easier for other people to be content in their own season of their marriage.

In this culture, it appears that everyone is always waiting for the next best thing.  I learned this when I was a senior in high school, when everyone asked me where I wanted to go to college, what I wanted to major in, if I wanted to dorm/commute, etc.  It’s like no one was ever satisfied.  So I gave into their demands, always reaching for the next step.  I went to college.  I graduated.  I got my first “real” job.  I got a boyfriend.  I got engaged.  I got married.  I got an apartment.

But the questions never stop.  And I was never content.

Before you ask a newlywed any questions about kids, keep in mind that there are five types of newlyweds in terms of having kids.  I love including Twitter statistics in my blogs, especially since it’s fun to try new research and ask different questions.  This week, nine newlyweds chimed in about where they are in their family planning.

Never having kids (11%): This couple has decided that they do not want to have kids.  It may shock you if you have baby fever, but there are people out there who don’t want kids for various reasons.  Just be sensitive to the fact that not everyone shares that same desire to have children.

Having kids but not now (33%): This couple may want to enjoy this season of marriage and get to know each other better.  They look forward to one day having children, but for now they are going on dates, asking each other deep questions, and simply trying to find contentment in this season.  They may also have issues they need to deal with (whether financial, emotional, or physical) before they can take that next step into starting a family.

Pregnant but not telling anyone (44%, along with “obviously pregnant” below): Newlyweds want to tell the important people in their lives (their parents, family members, and close friends) that they are pregnant before announcing it to the whole world.  As a matter of fact, it’s considered rude to post it on Facebook or for a loved one to find out through someone else.  Don’t put the couple in an awkward situation by asking them if they’re pregnant and no one else knows yet.  Let them tell you; don’t make them tell you.

Want kids but unable to get pregnant (12%): It hurts a woman who wants to be a mother to get consistently asked about having children, but for some reason, people seem to stumble into that question in conversation!  Most women who are unable to have children do not want to talk about it with the average person, especially since it typically involves very personal issues with their health.  Do not persist in the conversation if you notice the woman seeming uncomfortable.

Obviously pregnant/already have kids (44%, along with “pregnant but not telling anyone” above): You can tell when someone is nine months pregnant whether she’s having kids any time soon, so the question “When are you having kids?” might sound a little silly.  What I would suggest for these people is not to ask “Do you want any more kids?” but to enjoy the child/children that the couple already has.

The newlywed stage is such a dynamic, complex stage that it cannot be defined the same way for every couple.  The average newlywed couple moves to a new home, starts a new job, makes new friends together, spends time with new family members, and has new additions to their family through marriage or birth.  They say the first few years are the hardest, and I’m sure all these uprooting and changes don’t help with the roller coaster of emotions that each couple faces.

The same principle is true for having kids.  One couple might get pregnant on the honeymoon, while one couple might wait five years to grow their family.  One couple might want six kids, while one couple might not want any.  It is difficult enough to be in this dynamic stage of marriage without getting unsolicited advice, especially about having children.

I know it’s tough not to ask a newlywed any questions about having kids.  Even as a new wife, I find myself wanting to ask other couples about their plans.  So, to help you out, here are five other questions you can ask to a newlywed couple in order to encourage contentment in their marriage:

What is your favorite thing about your spouse?  It is such a common practice to complain about your spouse.  The stereotypical situation is a group of women congregating around a table and joking about the stupid things their husbands did that day (I’m sure men do it too, but I’ve never been in a circle with men, so I wouldn’t know personally).  It would be nice to change the atmosphere and encourage newlyweds to think about what they actually like about their spouses.  Hearing the new, fresh love they have for their spouse may encourage you to appreciate your spouse as well.

What do you like to do together as a couple?  Newlywed couples need something to do together (besides the obvious).  I especially like this question since my love language is quality time, which means I’m always looking for fun things to do with my husband.  Help the newlywed couple in your life find contentment by helping them find fun activities to do together.

Do you enjoy meeting together with other couples?  Newlywed couples also need accountability and example to help them in their marriage.  When my husband and I first got engaged, it was so tempting for us to just sit in my apartment and stare into each other’s eyes for eleven months.  However, we realized soon after that we wanted to share our love for each other and learn from other couples who also loved each other.  We joined a small group for engaged and newly married couples, and we became friends with some people in our church who meet with us on a regular basis.  It is so encouraging to be around other newlywed couples who also want to honor God in their marriage.

Would you like to go out with me and my spouse for a double date?  If you’ve been married for a long time, we need you!  Please, take us out and share your wisdom with us.  We also enjoy going out with couples who have been married for less time, as we are able to process our own marriage and share our wisdom with others as well.

How can I pray for you? This is a great question to ask any newlywed, whether they are currently dealing with children, pregnant, trying to get pregnant but can’t, waiting, or don’t desire children at all.  This question allows newlyweds to reflect on their current struggles.  It also humbles the folks who may be seasoned in their marriage to not give advice, but to ask God to intervene in their marriage. After all, in every season, when God is in the center of your marriage, He has a plan and is able to provide for you and your spouse.  So, instead of asking “When are you having kids?” pray that God would allow the couple to be content in this season and to learn to love each other deeply, fully, and unconditionally.

Photo by Ryan Franco on Unsplash

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Marriage

What You Say When You Attend a Wedding

This past Saturday, someone very special got married: my mom!  I had the privilege of walking my mom down the aisle with my sister, as well as helping her get ready, praying with her before the ceremony, and answering the wedding coordinator’s questions.  I also had the chance to meet my new step siblings and nephew and make a connection with them.  It was so exciting to be a part of my mom’s special day, and I’m so happy for the future that God has for her and my new stepdad.

Let me be clear with you: I didn’t do these things to help my mom simply because I was her daughter.  It wasn’t simply my responsibility to help her because she helped me on my wedding day.  No one forced me to be there for her and pray for her.  Rather, I helped her because I wanted to make it known that I support her in her marriage and that I will continue to remind her of her commitment to her husband.

As a culture, we seem to have forgotten the importance of a wedding.  The wedding is not about the free food.  The wedding is not about busting out your favorite dance moves or making a conga line.  The wedding is not about having your way and criticizing everything you don’t like.  The wedding is not about getting black-out drunk and doing stupid things that you’ll probably regret in the morning.  Even if the wedding does have free food, fun dancing, and alcohol (and possibly things you don’t like), those things aren’t the point of the wedding.

On the contrary, the wedding is actually about a man and a woman making a decision before God and before those they love to honor one another and be faithful to one another.  As an attendee of the wedding, your job is to stand as witness of their testimony and to hold them accountable in their decision.

What does that actually look like when the honeymoon is over and everyone has eaten their cookie favor?

As all couples know who have been married for longer than a day, conflict and fights are going to happen in your marriage.  Unfortunately, the common thing for loved ones to do is to take your side in the argument.  If you attended my wedding, for example, and I came to you and told you that my husband made me cry because of some trivial argument, you should not tell me, “Wow, what a jerk!  I knew you shouldn’t have married him.”  Instead, your job is to encourage reconciliation between me and my husband; take our side in the argument.  You should gently remind me of the covenant I made with God and my husband to be faithful to him and to always work for our marriage.  Pray for us.  Ask God to give us wisdom.  And send me on my merry way back to my husband.

Next week, I’ll be going to my fourth wedding of the year, my husband’s cousin.  Although I’m looking forward to seeing my family and to having a great time at the party, I will be listening to their vows during the ceremony and will be praying for their success in marriage.  My husband and I will write a prayer in the card so that they can remember that we are asking God to intervene in their union, in the good times and the bad.  We also did that at the three weddings we already attended this year, and we will do so at the weddings we will be attending in the near future.

Let me encourage you: if you cannot do this for a couple who invited you to their wedding, do not attend the wedding.  It is better for you not to go than for you to show up with negativity, criticism, and/or an unwillingness to want to see them succeed in their marriage.  If you are a Christian and do not believe that God is in favor of their marriage, refusing to attend the wedding may encourage the couple to examine their hearts and invite God into their union.

When you go to a wedding, stand with the couple making their vows, and pray that God would be faithful to help them keep their vows from this day forward.

Photo by Tom The Photographer on Unsplash

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Marriage

My Husband is Not My Everything

About a year ago, my husband (who was my fiance at the time) woke up with a serious migraine.  He had never had a migraine before, so his mother and I brought him to Urgent Care to make sure he was okay.  The physician gave my husband a shot that was supposed to help his headache, but ended up making him nauseous.  I wanted to be there for him, but I have a fear of throwing up that makes it traumatic for me to even listen to someone gagging.  Knowing this, my husband told me to leave the room because he felt like he was going to throw up.  I didn’t want to leave him.  I wanted to prove that I could be there to support him.  I wanted my love for him to be stronger than my limits.  I wanted everyone to know that I was willing to be my husband’s everything.

But the minute he started to gag, I involuntarily bolted out of the room before he could start vomiting.

The rest of the day, I felt so guilty for leaving him there.  He ended up having to go to the hospital because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him.  When I found out, I was on my way to my sister’s house to celebrate Father’s Day with my family.  There was nothing I could do but pray and enjoy my time with my dad and siblings.  Eventually, I did get to see my husband in the hospital, bring him some pizza, and keep him company.

This may be an extreme example, but God used this moment to teach me a valuable lesson: I’m not meant to be my husband’s everything.  God used my husband’s parents, the doctors, and our family members to minister to my husband in a way that I was not able to at the time.

It’s a cute idea to say that my husband completes me.  But do you realize what that looks like?  Just think about what it would be like for my husband to be everything for me.  He would be a mind-reader so that I feel understood, a fitness instructor to motivate me to work out, a literary coach to make sure that my writing is top notch, a pillow for when I can’t sleep at night, my alarm clock for when I want to sleep all day, my chauffeur, my chef, my resume-builder, and of course, the guy that helps me know I’m loved!

So basically, if my husband were my everything, I would have no responsibility, and I would have no need for anyone else in my life.

But that’s not how God created us.

You see, my husband can’t be my number one, because God is my number one.  God is the only One who can complete me.  Colossians 2:10 says that I are complete in Christ.  Second Corinthians 1:3 says that God comforts me when I need to be comforted.  Matthew 22:37 says that I am to love the Lord with all I am first, and then I love others and myself.  The love that I have for my husband is just an overflow of the love that God has given me.  God is love, and I love because He first loved me.

A relationship with God is most important in order to find contentment, peace, and joy in your life.  Only after establishing your relationship with God can you then have a successful relationship with your spouse.  If you try to put your husband first, you will end up looking to him for things that only God can perfectly give you.

An example of this in my own marriage is quality time.  My husband and I spend plenty of time together, but I still get sad whenever he leaves for work or whenever he wants to see his friends.  It’s obvious that quality time is my love language!  When I feel lonely and expect my husband to stay home with me, I take out my Bible or my journal and I pour my heart before the Lord, knowing that He will never leave me or forsake me.

Gaining insight from other people also helps my marriage in addition to my well-being.  I have a small group of women that I can call when my husband just isn’t understanding girly issues.  My husband has friends that understand his love for video games and can just chill with him.  When we spend time with other people, we take the load off of each other, and have more to talk about when we actually do spend time together! (For more information, check out my blog on separation here).

May you be united to the Lord in love and peace, and may your union to Him bring you even closer to your spouse!

 

Photo by India Tupy on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

I Have the Best Husband Ever…And Here’s Why

My husband is the best husband ever!  He is faithful to me; I never have to wonder if he still loves me.  He makes me feel beautiful, even if I’m bummin’ around the house wearing pajamas.  He prays with me, challenges me to grow in my faith, and encourages me to follow my dreams.  And, of course, he bought me a beautiful blue engagement ring to symbolize his love for me, because it matches my eyes (which is his favorite part about my appearance!).

The truth is: no other guy compares to my husband…and that’s the way it should be.

You see, my husband is the best husband ever because he’s my husband.  God knew that I needed him in my life, and He gave me the ability to love this man for the rest of my life.  I couldn’t ask for a better husband because I’m committed to loving this guy for as long as I live.  No other man can take his place, because no other man was meant to do so.

I heard something funny on the radio the other day.  A listener had called in and was bragging about how he writes poems for his wife.  The radio host then joked, “Aw, now my wife is going to expect me to write her poems!”

In a world where it is easy to compare, we either wish we had spouses like someone else, or we envy couples who are actually enjoying their marriage.  We might want a husband who talks more, who helps around the house more, who is more organized, or who is more sensitive to your emotions—and we can probably imagine a guy who fits all of those criteria.

When we start to see the flaws in our spouses, we might be tempted to look for someone who does not have those flaws.  If you follow this way of thinking, let me lovingly stop you right there.  Let me reach through the screen, grab your shoulders, and look straight in your eyes as I tell you: your husband was never meant to be your everything.  Your husband’s job is to continually point you back to God, whether he loves you unconditionally and you can see God’s love flowing through him, or he falls short and you can see that God is the only one who’s perfect.

You might not struggle with wanting to change your man for a newer or nicer model, but you might struggle with another type of comparison.

My life over the past few years has felt like an episode of Four Weddings, a show that involves four brides that all attend each other’s weddings and essentially vote on who had the best wedding.  My husband and I got married in November, but we have attended countless engagement parties, bridal showers, and weddings since then.  Every time I go to an event, I praise God that I was married first, or I would be comparing my plans and ideas to everyone else’s.  But by the grace of God, I’m able to enjoy the weddings I attend and not get caught up in all the details.

As you get older and more of your friends get married, it may be tempting to also compare your marriages.  Look how often they get to travel!  They bought a house already?  They’re having another baby, and we haven’t even had one yet!  When we compare our marriages to those of others, we feel discontent and we lose the ability to enjoy the marriage that God has given us.

If you find yourself comparing your marriage or wedding to someone else’s, please understand this: God put your spouse in your life because He knew that this person would be the best at being your life partner.  And God did the same for your spouse: He knew you would be the right companion for him/her as well.  Make a practice of thanking God for your spouse and for joining you two together as husband and wife.

Life is not a competition.  Learn to love your spouse but also learn to appreciate the love between the other couples in your life.  Let’s cheer others on in their marriages, while also finding contentment in our own!

Photo by William Stitt on Unsplash

 

Categories
Marriage

Marrying into the Family

Growing up, I was always proud to say that I am one of seven children.  Now, I can proudly say that I have one husband, one sister-in-law, three brothers-in-law, two significant others of siblings that are like family to me, three brothers, three sisters, two grandmas, three moms, three dads, nine aunts, six uncles, twenty-two first cousins (that includes one that will be joining the family soon!), at least four second cousins, three nephews, and two nieces.

We have marriage to thank for that.

They say that when you get married, you don’t marry one person; you marry the whole family!  I had never anticipated having in-laws.  To be honest, I thought that either my husband was going to simply get absorbed into my family, or we were going to live in our own bubble in a different state or country.  Little did I know that I wouldn’t only be inheriting another set of parents, but a boat load of family members!

Remember when I told you that I’m one of seven?  Well, my mother-in-law is also one of seven.  So, mathematically speaking, my family doubled the minute my husband and I exchanged vows.  My siblings also married, so I have in-laws within my own “blood” family as well.  It is such a blessing that I consider all of my family members family, despite the fact that we’re not all blood related.

This family dynamic might sound like a sit-com to you, but it actually is a miracle. God used our family to show my husband and I that we were meant for each other.  When I first told my mom that “I met someone,” she instantly burst into tears.  “I have been praying for your husband for years,” she sobbed, “and now he is finally here!”  At the time, it seemed a little dramatic, but her acceptance of my then-boyfriend made it easier for me to date him.  In addition to that, I met my mother-in-law before I even met my husband!  She tells me to this day that the moment she met me, she knew there was something special about me.  My dad met my husband before I did too!  He helps usher at church, and he remembers walking my husband and his family to their seats.  The fact that our parents accepted us individually, positively affected our relationship.

Our extended family also eased the atmosphere.  We may do things totally differently, but when we’re together, it’s like we’re, well, family.  I first met my husband’s extended family on his twenty-first birthday, before it was even announced that he was interested in me (or maybe everyone knew besides me, I don’t know), his family was already showing me love and acceptance.  My husband also passed the test of my side of the family.  My siblings liked him right away, and my nieces and nephews joked around with himm which is their way of saying, he’s on the team!  My husband and I are thankful that, although we don’t see eye-to-eye on everything with our family members, they are all close to us.

When there are moments we don’t get along, however, my husband and I do what we can to maintain our unity.  While family can be a bridge that helps you grow closer to your spouse, some family members can also try to disturb your relationship with your husband.  As Romans 12 says, do whatever you can to live at peace with everyone; however, make sure that your marriage is united.  You might have to set some boundaries to preserve your marriage, but do whatever you do in love.

Families don’t come in neat packages.  They come in all different shapes and sizes, with a plethora of personalities that cannot be contained.  Some family members might offend you, while some might become some of your best friends.  No matter what your relationship is like with your in-laws, my prayer is that you would see that in-laws are just more people with whom you have the opportunity to give love and receive love.

Photo by Tom Pumford on Unsplash