Tag: marriagemonday

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Marriage

How God Works In Your Marriage

It brings joy to my heart to hear couples talk about their marriage in a positive way, especially couples that have been married for a long time.  If couples that have been married for several years can look back on their marriage and smile, in the midst of the various seasons that they have experienced together, I know there’s hope for us newlyweds too!

This week, I asked my friends how they felt God was working in their marriage.  Based on what they said, and on my own personal experience, here are three ways that God works in marriage:

  • He uses my spouse to make me a better person
    The ones we love can point out our strengths and encourage us to grow stronger in them.  They represent Christ’s love to us by affirming us instead of tearing us down.  They help us to carry out God’s plan for our lives.My friend has seen God in her engagement through encouragement.  They both see gifts in each other that they were not able to see on their own.  The encouragement to grow talents and skills that they didn’t even know they had could literally alter the course of their lives.  What a blessing to have someone who loves you to come alongside you and remind you of your strengths!
  • He uses my spouse to keep me in check
    As much as encouragement is important in marriage, accountability is just as important.  We know what we need to do to live righteously, and sometimes we need someone to speak the truth in love to get us back on track.My marriage has been like a mirror, allowing me to see myself for who I really am. My marriage has helped me to be more honest with others, with myself, and with God.  I have seen God through our marriage through my husband’s love for me despite my mistakes, failures, and insecurities.  We don’t let each other talk poorly about ourselves.

    My friend who has been married for nine years also believes that her marriage has helped her grow as a person.  She has learned to make decisions with her husband, which has led them to seek God in prayer when they have to make a decision.

  • He uses my marriage to bring me closer to Him
    Through the ebbs and flows of life, God is constant.  When we go through rough times, we pray that God would lead us, and we pour our hearts into His word. When we go through great times, we praise God and tell our friends about the goodness of God.My friend and professor, who has been married for 42 years, can look back on his marriage and see the faithfulness of God and the unity that God intended for marriage, using 1 Peter 3:7 to describe his marriage.  Walking together through all walks of life, from raising a family to mentoring students, they have served as an example to so many in their marriage.  At the end of the day, they give glory to God for their marriage and for their lives together.

I asked my husband where he sees God in our marriage when we went out to dinner one night. He pointed at the table. “He’s right at the center. Right in between our decisions, and everything we do.” I love that! 

If you’re questioning whether God is working in your marriage, let me encourage you: He can.  Choose today to make God the center of your marriage.  It takes prayer, an intentional effort, and faith that God will make a way.  Connect with couples who have placed their marriage in God’s hands, and be encouraged by the ways that God has worked in their marriage. (That includes us!  If you need any advice or encouragement, please message us or comment on this blog!).

Sometimes God is working in your marriage, but you don’t see it because you need a change in perspective.  Ask God now to show you where He is working in your marriage.  Whether you’re hitting a rough patch together where it’s difficult to see God, or you’re wondering how to get your spouse on the same page as you spiritually, trust God to show you how to respond to His moving in your marriage.

 

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Why Those You Love Most Hurt the Most

Why is it so easy to be hurt by the ones who love us most?

Nothing gives me more heartache than hurting or bothering those I love.  This is mainly due to the fact that I unintentionally hurt them.  Sometimes I say things with the purest intentions–making a joke, stating the facts, or relaying a message–and the ones I love leave the conversation confused, angry, or sad.

When my husband hurts me, intentionally or unintentionally, it hurts.  When I hurt my husband, intentionally or unintentionally, it hurts.  We both feel the hurt, whether we’re the victim or the attacker.  When one of us is hurt, there is no victory; there’s just pain that needs to be healed.

One night after a tiny squabble, I lay in bed with my arms folded over my chest and my knees curled into my stomach.  Any touch from my husband would just make me withdraw within myself.  My stomach was turning and my mind was racing.  If I moved a muscle, my husband might try to reach over and touch me.  I didn’t want him close because I knew I was wrong.  As a result of my fear, he was deprived of the attention that he craved.  However, I knew I hurt him, and any interacting with my husband would remind me of my shortcomings.

Those close to us are meant to make us better people by pointing out our shortcomings in love.

I was talking about this idea with one of my co-workers when I first got married.  Why is it that people we live with get on our nerves the most?  He reminded me of Proverbs 27:17: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (NIV).  If you look up videos on what it looks like to sharpen iron, a lot of them involve loud noises, fire/coals, and a giant metal object getting all of up in the face of the piece of iron.  To put it in human terms, a person gets in your face and points out your flaws, brings out something ugly in you, and (ideally) helps you deal with your weaknesses.  And who do you trust enough to get that close to us and see us in our most vulnerable state?

Your spouse.

Unfortunately, your spouse will hurt you.  Unfortunately, you will hurt your spouse.  But when either of you feel hurt, you can use it to bring you closer to God and to each other. Pray that God uses this pain to heal and transform your marriage.  Be honest with Him about the severity of your pain or frustration, but trust that God is able to redeem your situation for His glory.  Trust your spouse to speak the truth in love, and pray about how to respond to his/her admonishing.  In the same way, if something bothers you about your spouse, pray about how to tell him/her what you notice in a loving, gracious manner.

Humans were never meant to complete us.  We are all fallen images of perfection, and we unfortunately make mistakes that affect the ones we love.  In the midst of these shortcomings, we can trust that God will never fail us.

Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Marriage is Like a Mission Trip

Marriage is an Adventure

From the moment we said “I do,” my husband and I embarked on a journey of becoming one.  We have been out of the country and to multiple states together, but the ultimate journeys have taken place at home.

You see, the journey for us is not where we go, but what we learn.  I’ve learned so much about my husband from the habits he’s formed, the family he grew up with, and the way that he worships God.  I know he’s learned about me from observing me and asking me questions as well.

Since 2008, I’ve had the desire to travel around the world.  I was blessed with the opportunities to travel to West Virginia, Texas, Spain, and Haiti on trips to serve others and bring glory to God.  Little did I know that I would not have to travel to a foreign land to get a full-time cross-cultural and God-honoring experience.

Stages of Cross-Cultural Adjustment

In my college classes, I learned about the four stages of cross-cultural adjustment.  I have seen these stages played out in my marriage, as well as in others.

Although this stage did not make the cut, the preparation stage is important to bring up in this article.  When going on a cross-cultural trip, you always want to prepare in some manner.  Whether you spend time reading the Bible, or you learn the language, you want to be as ready as possible for this new adventure.

Before marriage, couples spend time getting ready for their wedding day and beyond.  They attend pre-marital counseling, gain wisdom from mature couples, and discuss expectations.  They also invest time and money in the wedding day.

The first stage of cross-cultural adjustment is the honeymoon stage.  When the plane glides to the ground after a perfect flight, the feeling of euphoria is incomparable.  You are a tourist: you want to take pictures, you’re fascinated by the food, and you’re in love with the people.  In this new culture, you’re in your happy place, and nothing can get in the way of your enjoyment.

A married couple shares a similar experience during their first few years of marriage. After that seal of the marriage with a kiss, all they can see before them is endless possibilities.  They love everything about each other, and nothing can pop the bubble of their love.

The second stage is culture shock, the time when the euphoria fades.  It seems almost instant that the culture which was once beautiful and perfect is now distorted and wrong.  The food makes you sick, the weather is irritating, and the people don’t make sense.  The most difficult part of culture shock is the language barrier.  It can be exhausting and frustrating learning the language, and even more tiring is the hidden context behind the words.  You may understand the literal definition of the words you hear, for example, but you might not be able to pick up the sarcasm or the background behind it.

It can be exhausting trying to decipher the inside jokes, sarcasm, or traditions of your spouse’s family and friend group.  Although you may speak the same language, your sense of humor, your circle of friends, and your slang may be totally different.  You may find yourself having to stop the conversation a few times and say “OK, what’s going on?  Who’s so-and-so?  Why is this so funny?  What does this mean?”  You may get impatient, but please remember to be patient with yourself.

When going through culture shock, experts suggest taking naps and eating healthy.  I would suggest the same for married couples trying to merge their lives together.  It is healthy to spend time with family, but you also need a break from other people (and that may or may not include a nap!).  After spending time with either of our families, I like to spend a few hours with my husband processing our experiences.  We ask each other questions about jokes, pieces of information, or activities that we did not fully understand.  It not only helps us grow closer to our in-laws, but it helps us understand each other better as well.

Over time, the traveler transitions into the adjustment stage.  You learn to adapt to the culture, and you even appreciate some aspects of this new culture more than your home culture.  Although you’re not completely satisfied, you make the most of it.  Deciding to adjust and adapt is a willing decision that any traveler must make in order to survive.

My husband and I have decided to be committed to each other, no matter what problems we face.  We are attempting to create our own traditions and our own “culture.” Marriage definitely feels weird (since neither of us have been married before!), but we are making the most of it.

Finally, you feel the “at home” stage.  You can now comfortably say that you fit in to this new culture.  It feels as much as home to you as your home culture does.  You aren’t in love with the culture as you were in the honeymoon stage, but you are able to appreciate the culture and adjust to what you don’t like.

My husband and I can confidently say that we’ve made ourselves feel at home in our marriage.  Are we perfect?  Absolutely not, and we never will be. However, we are able to appreciate each other and to overlook what we do not like.

Marriage is a Missions Trip

So, if marriage is like a missions trip, what is our mission?

Above all, a marriage is meant to bring glory to God.  The relationship we have with our spouse is a mere symbol of the unconditional love and grace that Christ extends to us.  Even when we have communication troubles, even when there are qualities of our spouses that are not appealing, we are still called to share love, grace, and forgiveness with them.  By making Jesus the mission of our marriage, we can bless each other and be a blessing to those in our sphere of influence—no matter if we’re in our home culture or in a foreign land!

 

My featured image was brought to you by Unsplash.

 

Categories
Marriage

What’s Better than Lovey Dovey Feelings?

You typically feel those feelings when you’re first flirting with a guy and/or first dating.  If you so much as touch hands without trying, it’s like an electric spark gets sent straight through your arm.  The thrill of the moment is so exhilarating, and all you can think about in that moment is spending the rest of your life with that person.

I truly believe that God gave us these feelings to help us build a foundation of unity early on in our relationships.  If you took away all those mushy gushy feelings you had for your partner, especially in the beginning of the relationship, your partner would be no more than just another human being.  Even if you had the same likes and dislikes, you would probably not want to be more than just friends, and you’d both be OK with that.

But when you have those feelings, you are suddenly attached.  You’re like a duck imprinted on the first person you saw the minute you came out of your egg.  Suddenly, you want to impress this potential mate.  You might lose weight or start working out more. You might start reading to appear smarter.  You might rearrange your schedule so that you have enough time to spend together.  No matter what, your goal is to be united, and to make sure that nothing gets in the way of that union.

I used to be afraid that my lovey dovey feelings would fade.  After all, the lovey dovey feeling was all I knew!  The farthest I’ve ever been with someone (before marriage) was that cute electric stage.  Plus, growing up on fairy tales and romantic comedies, I didn’t know what to expect after the “happily ever after.”  If the “happily ever after” didn’t last forever, what would become of my marriage?  I couldn’t imagine life without feeling “in love” forever with someone, especially my husband!

My husband and I have only known each other for about 2 1/2 years, so our feelings are still in the honeymoon stage.  However, between our married small group, our friends that are married, and pre-marital counseling, we’ve heard the cold hard truth that the honeymoon stage of our marriage does not last forever.  One day, we will “wake up” and smell the morning breath that suddenly doesn’t smell so beautiful anymore.  One day, we will make plans without each other, and may go days without having quality time together.  One day, the veil will be taken off of our eyes, and we will see each other as imperfect, human beings.

I don’t know how that’s supposed to be appealing to anyone.  If that were all there was to marriage, why would anyone want to get married?

I’ll tell you.

My love with my husband is growing.  Flirting is always a mystery, but my husband’s love for me is not.  I never have to wonder if my husband loves me.  Even when we have busy schedules and aren’t able to have dinner together, even when he has a different definition of “quality time,” even when I mess up a meal and try to compromise, I know that at the end of the day, he’s still coming home with me.  And he still manages to give me butterflies by surprising me, spending time with me, and overall making me feel special.

Our love isn’t a lovey dovey kind of love.  It’s a secure, protecting, committed love.  And I’d take that over the spark any day.

If you’re afraid of your feelings fading, remember this: lovey dovey love is a seed that has to die for your committed love to grow into a strawberry bush.  The “honeymoon” love is what helps your relationship take root, but the commitment produces fruit that will sustain your marriage for many years to come.  Let your love grow, no matter the season of your love.