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Books

A Christian Perspective on Grit

Angela Duckworth’s Grit was featured at the 2017 Willow Creek Global Leadership Summit.  This book serves as a summary of the research she had done on grit, which she defines as the combination of passion and perseverance.  Duckworth also conducted a TED Talk regarding her research (I personally didn’t watch it because I wanted to strictly review the book.  When I finish writing this review I’ll check it out!).  If you want more information about success, read on for my review!

Summary

What drew me to the book at first was Duckworth’s anecdote of her father telling her that she was not a genius, and that she never will be a genius.  Normally, this denotes future failure, but Angela uses this comment from her father to challenge her to redefine success.  Angela is currently a professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, but she has a colorful resume filled with doctorates, self-initiated organizations, and awards.  So if you’re not smart, does that mean you can never be successful?  If you don’t have raw talent, does that mean that you can never be the best?  As Duckworth would argue, raw talent alone does not define success.  What really matters is your passion and your perseverance, which are both driven by interest, practice, purpose, and hope.

As a lover of statistics, research, and case studies, I ate up Duckworth’s case studies from the companies and programs that we would label “successful.”  From studying the initiation program at West Point to interviewing the coach of the Seattle Seahawks, one question is echoed throughout the book: What yields success within these people?  The answer, of course, is grit.  Throughout the book, Duckworth interviews various “grit paragons” (people who exemplify grit) and discovers what drives them to pursue grit, even if they don’t directly use the term “grit” to describe their motivation.  Her goal, it seems, is to overthrow the cultural norm that raw talent will yield success.  When we have that mindset, we are doomed at childhood.  Conversely, Duckworth advocates that we must find our “one thing” and work at it until we’ve reached our full potential.

Although the interviews and research span throughout the entire book, Duckworth shifts mid-way through the book to talk to the reader about how to cultivate grit.  The second section of the book gives advice on growing grit “from the inside out.”  Duckworth encourages the reader to nurture interest, practice, purpose, and hope, qualities that we must intrinsically decide to pursue.  Even if someone instills the desire to pursue those things within us, we must be willing to take the step toward success.  As the old adage claims, you can bring a camel to the water, but you cannot make it drink.

The third section of the book discusses how to cultivate grit “from the outside in.”  Duckworth discusses her experience raising her two daughters to pursue a grit mindset.  In addition to her own parenting style, she also includes case studies that compare how Steve Young (quarterback of the San Francisco 49’ers) and Francesca Martinez (British stand-up comedian, actress, and writer) were raised by their parents.  She offers advice for parents to encourage their children toward success.  She challenges even those who are not raising children to invest in the lives of the children/youth around us.  The term parent, Duckworth mentions, actually means “to bring forth.”  Whether you have children that you are currently raising, or you’re babysitting, coaching, or teaching, you can influence them to pursue success.

As with most scientific research, the book ends in a question mark, but also an exclamation point.  What I mean is, Duckworth cannot conclusively provide a definite formula that will yield grit (and thus, success) in each of our lives.  However, she does make a point that grit is important, and that no one has ever regretted growing grit in their own lives.  Therefore, you can’t go wrong when you’re gritty.

Analysis

My knowledge of statistics involves one AP Statistics class in my senior year of high school (a whopping seven years ago!).  However, I know good research when I see it.  Angela Duckworth provides information from a variety of programs: from sports teams, to musicians, to writers, to teachers and students, that will inspire hope that success can be found in any area of work.  In journalism, I learned to beware the one-sourced story.  Not only does Duckworth interview a number of “grit paragons,” but she also indicates that her students have helped her in her research as well.  So, it’s not as if she is pushing her own agenda; she also has students that have dedicated time and energy to prove the importance and efficiency of grit.

I have taken away much of the information in her book to apply to my own life.  I’ve begun to pursue “my life’s purpose” by following a guideline that she includes from Warren Buffett: 1) Write down twenty-five career goals; 2) Do some “soul-searching” (whatever that means) and circle your top five goals; 3) Look at the other twenty you didn’t circle, and avoid those at all costs.  I have my top five, and I’ve been pursuing them for about a month now!

My other takeaway would be to develop a growth mindset rather than a fixed mindset.  Through reading this book, I realized that I had a fixed mindset as a child.  I was the best reader in kindergarten, and the best writer in first and second grade.  At that young age, I didn’t see any need for improvement.  However, this mindset caused me to respond poorly to criticism and adversity in writing.  I remember not wanting to write an essay for my final eighth grade English project and just barely passing the final.  I remember my teachers in high school rolling their eyes when I told them I wanted to be a writer.  I remember my eleventh-grade English teacher accusing me of plagiarism because the paper I wrote was just too good to be my paper.  I remember refusing to study English in college because I was sick of the judgment and criticism.  Through this book, I’ve discovered that I could have used that negativity to challenge me to be a better writer.  While I can’t go back and change the future, I can start today (and have started) to improve my writing skills and pursue my life’s purpose.  I thank Angela Duckworth for writing this portion and for helping to alter the course of my life.

To counter Duckworth’s book, however, I would speak on behalf of those looking for fulfillment in their jobs.  Most people my age are at entry level jobs; some are even at retail jobs that have nothing to do with their career.  We are enticed on social media with the idea that we can be anything we want to be.  We can make money traveling the world, staying at home taking surveys, or going out to eat at restaurants, so the typical office job does not sound exciting to us.  However, at the end of the day, we still have to work.  We still need jobs that pay the bills.  Grit, actually pursuing what we were made to accomplish, will take years to get us to our full potential.  What does that mean for our lives now?  What is that first step to pursue grit?  Do we simply keep working at our entry-level jobs until someone magically shows up and offers us a position in our field, or do we quit our jobs on the spot and look for a job more fitting for our passions (or do we take an action that’s a little less extreme)?  Duckworth’s book is brilliantly inspiring, but when the honeymoon stage fades, we’re left to wonder: What next?

I don’t believe that Duckworth meant to answer every question about success.  She claims to have a lot of research under her belt, but even with decades of work, she still cannot conclusively give a formula for success.  What I think she meant to do was to start a conversation.  I think she wants to change the atmosphere and to change our society’s way of thinking.  Talent is not what defines success, according to Duckworth; what defines success is the work you put into improving yourself.

A Christian Perspective

Before I conclude with a Christian perspective, I want to clarify that Duckworth does not claim any religious affiliation in her book.  This section is designated for me, as a Christian, to put in my two cents about the topic.  This is not an attack on Duckworth’s beliefs or research; this is simply me asking God, How do you want me to interpret this with the lens You’ve given me?  

While reading the book, all I could think about was Colossians 3:23: “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for man.”  This verse, in and of itself, defines grit.  God created us for a purpose on this Earth.  While most of us spend a large amount of time figure out if we are living out our purpose, God reveals our purpose in this verse.  It doesn’t matter what we do, as long as we are working as hard as we can with God as our focus.  This verse should encourage us to pursue grit (passion and perseverance) naturally by causing us to put our hearts into our work, as well as to never give up.

The conclusion of this book, that there is no definite formula for grit and success, can be discouraging to the average person.  If we dedicate our whole lives to pursuing grit, and then realize that we still “missed the mark,” we may wonder, what was the point?  However, I believe looking at this through a Christian lens does provide a definite formula for success.  Proverbs 16:3 explicitly states this formula: “Commit your way to the Lord, and your plans will be established.”  When we work for the Lord, we’re not trying to figure out our own life’s purpose; rather, we’re trusting God to show us the way.  This way is not void of adversity, difficulty, and even failure.  But God can use the struggles that we endure to grow us and to bring Him glory.

My conclusion?  Pursue success as God defines it: use the passion and energy that God has given you to carry out the Great Commandment to love the Lord your God, and to love your neighbor as yourself, all for the glory of God.

Duckworth, Angela.  Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance.  New York: Simon & Schuster, 2016.  Print.

Categories
Wisdom Wednesday

How to Overcome When You’re Overwhelmed

As I’ve been slightly overwhelmed these past few weeks, I find it appropriate to write about what to do when you’re feeling overwhelmed.  Two week ago, I shared that if you’re overwhelmed, you’re in good company.  This week, let’s talk about what to do in the heat of the moment.

It amazes me that some people don’t know what a panic attack feels like.  For me, they are a regular struggle; I used to have multiple panic attacks a day, and then they stopped for a few months, and now I have about one every two weeks.  Needless to say, panic attacks are a major inconvenience, no matter how often I get them or how long they last.

For those who don’t know, let me describe a typical panic attack (although panic attacks look different for everyone): throat feels tight, trouble breathing, racing heart, dizziness, blurry vision, hot flashes, nausea, muscle spasms, dry mouth, and stomach knots…all in a matter of five minutes.

Panic attacks tend to occur when I’m feeling overwhelmed.  When I have a ton of things to do and I don’t even know where to start, my muscles tense and I literally become frozen.  I pray and wait until the storm within passes.  Eventually, it does pass, even when it feels like it will never end when it’s actually happening.

If you’re anxious or overwhelmed right now, you probably don’t want to read about it.  You just want help.  Look no further!  Here are five things you can do to calm your nerves and get back on track:

  • Close your eyes: Looking at the pile of work on your desk, the dirty laundry in your bedroom, or a person with whom you have a conflict, can be very overwhelming.  It may help you to just push your chair away from your desk for a minute, turn your head away from the mess, or even go into another room to collect your thoughts.  Don’t let this become an excuse to not get your work done, but taking a break for a few minutes can help you calm down and be ready to face whatever comes your way.
  • Take a deep breath: When I’m anxious, I forget to breathe.  I didn’t realize that I do that until I was in college, and my friend noticed I wasn’t breathing.  Anxiety actually subsides when we let oxygen flow through our brain and allow the body to heal.  I just did a quick search on how oxygen helps with anxiety, and I found that people actually use concentrated oxygen (under doctor or professional supervision, I’m sure) to heal from anxiety and other mental disorders.  So, the air around you can help you if you just, well, use it!
  • Make a list: Write a to-do list and study it.  Seeing all your tasks causes you to look at them and make a plan of action.  They can be counted; they are not innumerable.  You will feel more in control, and you will remember your tasks, if you list what seems like impossible activities.
  • Pray: You can do all things through Christ who gives you strength.  He will give you the wisdom to handle your tasks, and the peace to overcome your anxiety.  Pray for clarity of mind as you use wisdom to sort through your to-do list.
  • Move: Do not let the fear paralyze you.  As I said before, anxiety or feeling overwhelmed may hinder you from getting anything done.  Sometimes the best way to overcome the stress is to simply do the task.  When you start moving, you’ll be able to accomplish what you thought was impossible.

The Bible says that when we meditate on the word of God day and night, we will be like a tree planted near streams of water (Psalm 1:1-3).  Wouldn’t you rather be a tree that is rooted on the ground than a leaf that is blown around by the wind?  Trust in God in the midst of anxiety.  He is our foundation, our ever present help in trouble.  Through Him, we can overcome when we feel overwhelmed.

Photo by Ricardo Gomez Angel on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

How God Works In Your Marriage

It brings joy to my heart to hear couples talk about their marriage in a positive way, especially couples that have been married for a long time.  If couples that have been married for several years can look back on their marriage and smile, in the midst of the various seasons that they have experienced together, I know there’s hope for us newlyweds too!

This week, I asked my friends how they felt God was working in their marriage.  Based on what they said, and on my own personal experience, here are three ways that God works in marriage:

  • He uses my spouse to make me a better person
    The ones we love can point out our strengths and encourage us to grow stronger in them.  They represent Christ’s love to us by affirming us instead of tearing us down.  They help us to carry out God’s plan for our lives.My friend has seen God in her engagement through encouragement.  They both see gifts in each other that they were not able to see on their own.  The encouragement to grow talents and skills that they didn’t even know they had could literally alter the course of their lives.  What a blessing to have someone who loves you to come alongside you and remind you of your strengths!
  • He uses my spouse to keep me in check
    As much as encouragement is important in marriage, accountability is just as important.  We know what we need to do to live righteously, and sometimes we need someone to speak the truth in love to get us back on track.My marriage has been like a mirror, allowing me to see myself for who I really am. My marriage has helped me to be more honest with others, with myself, and with God.  I have seen God through our marriage through my husband’s love for me despite my mistakes, failures, and insecurities.  We don’t let each other talk poorly about ourselves.

    My friend who has been married for nine years also believes that her marriage has helped her grow as a person.  She has learned to make decisions with her husband, which has led them to seek God in prayer when they have to make a decision.

  • He uses my marriage to bring me closer to Him
    Through the ebbs and flows of life, God is constant.  When we go through rough times, we pray that God would lead us, and we pour our hearts into His word. When we go through great times, we praise God and tell our friends about the goodness of God.My friend and professor, who has been married for 42 years, can look back on his marriage and see the faithfulness of God and the unity that God intended for marriage, using 1 Peter 3:7 to describe his marriage.  Walking together through all walks of life, from raising a family to mentoring students, they have served as an example to so many in their marriage.  At the end of the day, they give glory to God for their marriage and for their lives together.

I asked my husband where he sees God in our marriage when we went out to dinner one night. He pointed at the table. “He’s right at the center. Right in between our decisions, and everything we do.” I love that! 

If you’re questioning whether God is working in your marriage, let me encourage you: He can.  Choose today to make God the center of your marriage.  It takes prayer, an intentional effort, and faith that God will make a way.  Connect with couples who have placed their marriage in God’s hands, and be encouraged by the ways that God has worked in their marriage. (That includes us!  If you need any advice or encouragement, please message us or comment on this blog!).

Sometimes God is working in your marriage, but you don’t see it because you need a change in perspective.  Ask God now to show you where He is working in your marriage.  Whether you’re hitting a rough patch together where it’s difficult to see God, or you’re wondering how to get your spouse on the same page as you spiritually, trust God to show you how to respond to His moving in your marriage.

 

Photo by Ben White on Unsplash

Categories
Wisdom Wednesday

Feeling Overwhelmed?

I’m writing this post after an overwhelming day.  I woke up, left late for work (but by the grace of God made it to work on time), worked eight hours straight under pressure, had a wicked stomachache (which is an absolute nightmare for someone with a fear of throwing up), dealt with crazy drivers on the way home, quickly ate dinner with my husband, and then washed the dishes for two hours.  All the while, I tried to keep a smile on my face and plow through the day without having a breakdown.

Trust me when I say, I know what it’s like to be overwhelmed.  I honestly feel like God puts me in these situations not only to grow me, but to encourage someone else who may also be feeling overwhelmed.  So, if you’re overwhelmed, this one’s for you!

For a long time, I wished that the craziness would stop and that I could just live at peace.  I thought that if I just worked a little bit harder, spent time with the right people, and prayed a little more, I would sort of get to the next level of life, which is the relaxing time.  My older friends lovingly pointed out that the craziness never stops, that life will grow busier and busier as I progress.  This fact honestly just makes me want to dig my face in my hands and cry for a little bit.

What if I told you that God actually wants you to be overwhelmed?

I looked through the Scriptures to find out what to do when I’m overwhelmed.  Although I wish that I could have found evidence that God wants to completely eliminate our chaos, what I’ve found is that God actually wants us to be overwhelmed.  Think about it: Do you think Abraham was overwhelmed when God called him and his wife to start a new life in a foreign land?  Do you think Jacob was overwhelmed when he had twelve kids and two quarreling wives, and he eventually thought his son was dead?  Do you think Gideon was overwhelmed when God shrunk his army from 22,000 to 300 to fight an army that was considered innumerable?  Do you think David was overwhelmed when Saul literally vowed on his life to kill him? (David was so overwhelmed that he wrote several psalms about his experience!)  Do you think Jesus was overwhelmed when He sweat drops of blood in the Garden of Gethsemane?

Friend, if you’re overwhelmed, you’re in good company.

When you are at the end of your rope, that’s when God reveals His strength to hold you up.  When you are running on empty, that’s when God wants you to run to Him.  When you feel like there’s no hope, that’s when God wants you to find hope in Him.  When you’re overwhelmed, that’s when you need to take a deep breath (in through your nose, out through your mouth) and pray that God would give you what you need in that situation.  And when He reveals Himself to you, you realize that your problems aren’t so big anymore.  That’s when your faith in God grows.

So, if being overwhelmed is supposed to happen, how come it feels so wrong?

The difference between being overwhelmed in the way we understand it and being overwhelmed in the way God understands it is the source of our overwhelming.  In other words, what overwhelms us defines whether or not we can live at peace.  Being overwhelmed by the things of this world (our jobs, our families, our school, our health, our chores, etc.) will drain us, but being overwhelmed by God will fill us.

When the people of the Bible were overwhelmed, what did they do?  They looked up. They remembered that their Heavenly Father was bigger than anything they could face. As Abraham walked, God revealed all the land that He had created, the land that Abraham’s descendants would one day inherit.  When Jacob had doubts, God wrestled with him and overtook him, reminding Jacob of the Lord’s mighty strength.  When Gideon doubted that God could use the weakest member of the smallest clan of Israel, God used him and 300 willing men to defeat an innumerable army. When David was overwhelmed, he meditated on the greatness of God, and it brought him peace.  When Jesus was overwhelmed to the point of death, He spent the last few hours of His life on Earth praying for God’s will to be done.

If you’re overwhelmed, you’re in good company.  You’re also in good hands.  If you trust in God, He will guide you in the way you should go.  When you’re feeling overwhelmed, look up at Him and remember that what you are facing is no match for your great God.

Oh, and did I mention how I actually made it through the day today?  I started the day with worship.  My commute to work was so much easier knowing that God was with me in that car.  The prayers I prayed and the moments I shared with Him in the morning planted the seeds of hope that I needed for the rest of the day.  I sat in the car, overwhelmed by God, and not overwhelmed by my circumstances.

Next week, I will address practical steps to handle stress in the heat of the moment.  But for now, I think it’s time for bed!

Photo by Rich Lock on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

5 Questions to Ask Besides “When Are You Having Kids?”

As a newlywed who has heard this question too many times, I tread very lightly on these waters by hoping to make it easier for other people to be content in their own season of their marriage.

In this culture, it appears that everyone is always waiting for the next best thing.  I learned this when I was a senior in high school, when everyone asked me where I wanted to go to college, what I wanted to major in, if I wanted to dorm/commute, etc.  It’s like no one was ever satisfied.  So I gave into their demands, always reaching for the next step.  I went to college.  I graduated.  I got my first “real” job.  I got a boyfriend.  I got engaged.  I got married.  I got an apartment.

But the questions never stop.  And I was never content.

Before you ask a newlywed any questions about kids, keep in mind that there are five types of newlyweds in terms of having kids.  I love including Twitter statistics in my blogs, especially since it’s fun to try new research and ask different questions.  This week, nine newlyweds chimed in about where they are in their family planning.

Never having kids (11%): This couple has decided that they do not want to have kids.  It may shock you if you have baby fever, but there are people out there who don’t want kids for various reasons.  Just be sensitive to the fact that not everyone shares that same desire to have children.

Having kids but not now (33%): This couple may want to enjoy this season of marriage and get to know each other better.  They look forward to one day having children, but for now they are going on dates, asking each other deep questions, and simply trying to find contentment in this season.  They may also have issues they need to deal with (whether financial, emotional, or physical) before they can take that next step into starting a family.

Pregnant but not telling anyone (44%, along with “obviously pregnant” below): Newlyweds want to tell the important people in their lives (their parents, family members, and close friends) that they are pregnant before announcing it to the whole world.  As a matter of fact, it’s considered rude to post it on Facebook or for a loved one to find out through someone else.  Don’t put the couple in an awkward situation by asking them if they’re pregnant and no one else knows yet.  Let them tell you; don’t make them tell you.

Want kids but unable to get pregnant (12%): It hurts a woman who wants to be a mother to get consistently asked about having children, but for some reason, people seem to stumble into that question in conversation!  Most women who are unable to have children do not want to talk about it with the average person, especially since it typically involves very personal issues with their health.  Do not persist in the conversation if you notice the woman seeming uncomfortable.

Obviously pregnant/already have kids (44%, along with “pregnant but not telling anyone” above): You can tell when someone is nine months pregnant whether she’s having kids any time soon, so the question “When are you having kids?” might sound a little silly.  What I would suggest for these people is not to ask “Do you want any more kids?” but to enjoy the child/children that the couple already has.

The newlywed stage is such a dynamic, complex stage that it cannot be defined the same way for every couple.  The average newlywed couple moves to a new home, starts a new job, makes new friends together, spends time with new family members, and has new additions to their family through marriage or birth.  They say the first few years are the hardest, and I’m sure all these uprooting and changes don’t help with the roller coaster of emotions that each couple faces.

The same principle is true for having kids.  One couple might get pregnant on the honeymoon, while one couple might wait five years to grow their family.  One couple might want six kids, while one couple might not want any.  It is difficult enough to be in this dynamic stage of marriage without getting unsolicited advice, especially about having children.

I know it’s tough not to ask a newlywed any questions about having kids.  Even as a new wife, I find myself wanting to ask other couples about their plans.  So, to help you out, here are five other questions you can ask to a newlywed couple in order to encourage contentment in their marriage:

What is your favorite thing about your spouse?  It is such a common practice to complain about your spouse.  The stereotypical situation is a group of women congregating around a table and joking about the stupid things their husbands did that day (I’m sure men do it too, but I’ve never been in a circle with men, so I wouldn’t know personally).  It would be nice to change the atmosphere and encourage newlyweds to think about what they actually like about their spouses.  Hearing the new, fresh love they have for their spouse may encourage you to appreciate your spouse as well.

What do you like to do together as a couple?  Newlywed couples need something to do together (besides the obvious).  I especially like this question since my love language is quality time, which means I’m always looking for fun things to do with my husband.  Help the newlywed couple in your life find contentment by helping them find fun activities to do together.

Do you enjoy meeting together with other couples?  Newlywed couples also need accountability and example to help them in their marriage.  When my husband and I first got engaged, it was so tempting for us to just sit in my apartment and stare into each other’s eyes for eleven months.  However, we realized soon after that we wanted to share our love for each other and learn from other couples who also loved each other.  We joined a small group for engaged and newly married couples, and we became friends with some people in our church who meet with us on a regular basis.  It is so encouraging to be around other newlywed couples who also want to honor God in their marriage.

Would you like to go out with me and my spouse for a double date?  If you’ve been married for a long time, we need you!  Please, take us out and share your wisdom with us.  We also enjoy going out with couples who have been married for less time, as we are able to process our own marriage and share our wisdom with others as well.

How can I pray for you? This is a great question to ask any newlywed, whether they are currently dealing with children, pregnant, trying to get pregnant but can’t, waiting, or don’t desire children at all.  This question allows newlyweds to reflect on their current struggles.  It also humbles the folks who may be seasoned in their marriage to not give advice, but to ask God to intervene in their marriage. After all, in every season, when God is in the center of your marriage, He has a plan and is able to provide for you and your spouse.  So, instead of asking “When are you having kids?” pray that God would allow the couple to be content in this season and to learn to love each other deeply, fully, and unconditionally.

Photo by Ryan Franco on Unsplash

Categories
Wisdom Wednesday

Let’s Be Honest

I walk through the church atrium, greeted by many smiling faces.  “How are you?” they ask me, already knowing my answer.  “I’m good, how are you?”  Their smiles grow wider when they act exactly the way that they expect.  “Good!” they reply enthusiastically.

Little do they know that I’m not really “good.”  The truth is: I’m hurting inside, but I don’t want to talk about it.  I’d rather stuff it deeper and hide behind a polite smile.  I lift my hands in worship, putting on a show rather than truly surrendering to God, fearing that if I didn’t lift my hands, someone would ask me what was wrong.  The pastor leads us in prayer at the end of the service, but all I want to do is go home.

Sadly, I lived for too long under the mask of false positivity and rehearsed answers.  Sadly, people I love have lived the same way.  Sadly, the world makes it nearly impossible to be honest with others, with ourselves, and with God.

I believe that a huge portion of my anxiety was a result of hiding my feelings and being dishonest with those around me.  I would walk through life as if I was carrying a big package and I could never put it down.  It was difficult to breathe under the weight of my hurt.

Someone recently asked me if it was normal to be upset at God.  Learning to be honest with God was so liberating.  For most of my life, I believed that emotions were bad.  I believed that I should avoid emotions at all cost and just focus on the positive.  After all, the Bible says to give thanks in all circumstances.  Doesn’t that mean it’s a sin not to be thankful at any given moment?  But after meeting some great accountability partners in college, I learned that the Bible had a lot to say about being honest with our emotions!

Yes, it is normal to be upset with God.  Think about it.  God is sovereign over everything.  He can easily stop whatever is going on that is causing you pain or frustrating you.  He can easily heal me from my anxiety.  He can easily make the cars part on the parkway so that I have no traffic on the way home.  But for some reason that we don’t understand, He’s not stopping the pain or the confusion.

The beautiful thing about honesty is that it shows God your heart. I believe that God would rather have an honest worshiper who was angry than a fake worshiper who was happy. Psalm 51:17 says that God will not despise a broken and contrite spirit.

The Psalms are filled with honest prayers to God that make you wonder “Should those really be in the Bible?” As a matter of fact, David prays that his enemies’ babies would be dashed against the rocks (see Psalm 137). That’s obviously really extreme, but it shows how much anger was in David’s prayers. He was angry that his enemies had taken Israel into captivity; he was removed from his homeland and all he wanted to do was go back.

I sometimes drive home from work and simply ask God “Why?”  Why do I have to sit in this traffic?  Why do I still have anxiety?  Why is life so difficult?  The world calls this complaining, but I call it honesty.  The key to being honest with God about our emotions is that we must not stop there.  The Psalms never ended on a bad note and neither should we.  David would pour out his anger, sadness, and anxiety to God…but then he would declare his complete trust to God.

“God, I’m sad.  I’m angry.  Why is this happening?  Although I don’t understand what You’re doing, I trust that You will work all of this out for good, and You will never leave me or forsake me because You love me.”

I don’t know how long this season of questioning will last for you.  I don’t know what God has for you in the next season. All I know is that when you are honest with God, and you surrender your hurt, confusion, or anger to Him, you will grow closer to Him. It may be a daily surrender instead of a one-and-done deal. You may go to bed one day and surrender your hurts to Him, and wake up the next morning and still have the hurt. Keep surrendering, and then remind yourself of the hope you have in Christ.

 

Photo by Geetanjal Khanna on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

What You Say When You Attend a Wedding

This past Saturday, someone very special got married: my mom!  I had the privilege of walking my mom down the aisle with my sister, as well as helping her get ready, praying with her before the ceremony, and answering the wedding coordinator’s questions.  I also had the chance to meet my new step siblings and nephew and make a connection with them.  It was so exciting to be a part of my mom’s special day, and I’m so happy for the future that God has for her and my new stepdad.

Let me be clear with you: I didn’t do these things to help my mom simply because I was her daughter.  It wasn’t simply my responsibility to help her because she helped me on my wedding day.  No one forced me to be there for her and pray for her.  Rather, I helped her because I wanted to make it known that I support her in her marriage and that I will continue to remind her of her commitment to her husband.

As a culture, we seem to have forgotten the importance of a wedding.  The wedding is not about the free food.  The wedding is not about busting out your favorite dance moves or making a conga line.  The wedding is not about having your way and criticizing everything you don’t like.  The wedding is not about getting black-out drunk and doing stupid things that you’ll probably regret in the morning.  Even if the wedding does have free food, fun dancing, and alcohol (and possibly things you don’t like), those things aren’t the point of the wedding.

On the contrary, the wedding is actually about a man and a woman making a decision before God and before those they love to honor one another and be faithful to one another.  As an attendee of the wedding, your job is to stand as witness of their testimony and to hold them accountable in their decision.

What does that actually look like when the honeymoon is over and everyone has eaten their cookie favor?

As all couples know who have been married for longer than a day, conflict and fights are going to happen in your marriage.  Unfortunately, the common thing for loved ones to do is to take your side in the argument.  If you attended my wedding, for example, and I came to you and told you that my husband made me cry because of some trivial argument, you should not tell me, “Wow, what a jerk!  I knew you shouldn’t have married him.”  Instead, your job is to encourage reconciliation between me and my husband; take our side in the argument.  You should gently remind me of the covenant I made with God and my husband to be faithful to him and to always work for our marriage.  Pray for us.  Ask God to give us wisdom.  And send me on my merry way back to my husband.

Next week, I’ll be going to my fourth wedding of the year, my husband’s cousin.  Although I’m looking forward to seeing my family and to having a great time at the party, I will be listening to their vows during the ceremony and will be praying for their success in marriage.  My husband and I will write a prayer in the card so that they can remember that we are asking God to intervene in their union, in the good times and the bad.  We also did that at the three weddings we already attended this year, and we will do so at the weddings we will be attending in the near future.

Let me encourage you: if you cannot do this for a couple who invited you to their wedding, do not attend the wedding.  It is better for you not to go than for you to show up with negativity, criticism, and/or an unwillingness to want to see them succeed in their marriage.  If you are a Christian and do not believe that God is in favor of their marriage, refusing to attend the wedding may encourage the couple to examine their hearts and invite God into their union.

When you go to a wedding, stand with the couple making their vows, and pray that God would be faithful to help them keep their vows from this day forward.

Photo by Tom The Photographer on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

My Husband is Not My Everything

About a year ago, my husband (who was my fiance at the time) woke up with a serious migraine.  He had never had a migraine before, so his mother and I brought him to Urgent Care to make sure he was okay.  The physician gave my husband a shot that was supposed to help his headache, but ended up making him nauseous.  I wanted to be there for him, but I have a fear of throwing up that makes it traumatic for me to even listen to someone gagging.  Knowing this, my husband told me to leave the room because he felt like he was going to throw up.  I didn’t want to leave him.  I wanted to prove that I could be there to support him.  I wanted my love for him to be stronger than my limits.  I wanted everyone to know that I was willing to be my husband’s everything.

But the minute he started to gag, I involuntarily bolted out of the room before he could start vomiting.

The rest of the day, I felt so guilty for leaving him there.  He ended up having to go to the hospital because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him.  When I found out, I was on my way to my sister’s house to celebrate Father’s Day with my family.  There was nothing I could do but pray and enjoy my time with my dad and siblings.  Eventually, I did get to see my husband in the hospital, bring him some pizza, and keep him company.

This may be an extreme example, but God used this moment to teach me a valuable lesson: I’m not meant to be my husband’s everything.  God used my husband’s parents, the doctors, and our family members to minister to my husband in a way that I was not able to at the time.

It’s a cute idea to say that my husband completes me.  But do you realize what that looks like?  Just think about what it would be like for my husband to be everything for me.  He would be a mind-reader so that I feel understood, a fitness instructor to motivate me to work out, a literary coach to make sure that my writing is top notch, a pillow for when I can’t sleep at night, my alarm clock for when I want to sleep all day, my chauffeur, my chef, my resume-builder, and of course, the guy that helps me know I’m loved!

So basically, if my husband were my everything, I would have no responsibility, and I would have no need for anyone else in my life.

But that’s not how God created us.

You see, my husband can’t be my number one, because God is my number one.  God is the only One who can complete me.  Colossians 2:10 says that I are complete in Christ.  Second Corinthians 1:3 says that God comforts me when I need to be comforted.  Matthew 22:37 says that I am to love the Lord with all I am first, and then I love others and myself.  The love that I have for my husband is just an overflow of the love that God has given me.  God is love, and I love because He first loved me.

A relationship with God is most important in order to find contentment, peace, and joy in your life.  Only after establishing your relationship with God can you then have a successful relationship with your spouse.  If you try to put your husband first, you will end up looking to him for things that only God can perfectly give you.

An example of this in my own marriage is quality time.  My husband and I spend plenty of time together, but I still get sad whenever he leaves for work or whenever he wants to see his friends.  It’s obvious that quality time is my love language!  When I feel lonely and expect my husband to stay home with me, I take out my Bible or my journal and I pour my heart before the Lord, knowing that He will never leave me or forsake me.

Gaining insight from other people also helps my marriage in addition to my well-being.  I have a small group of women that I can call when my husband just isn’t understanding girly issues.  My husband has friends that understand his love for video games and can just chill with him.  When we spend time with other people, we take the load off of each other, and have more to talk about when we actually do spend time together! (For more information, check out my blog on separation here).

May you be united to the Lord in love and peace, and may your union to Him bring you even closer to your spouse!

 

Photo by India Tupy on Unsplash

Categories
Books

Feelin’ Great After Reading This Book!

A few days ago, I finished reading Lose Weight and Feel Great by Billy Hofacker.  Knowing that I wanted to write a review about it since I bought the book, I had anticipated telling you all that I’m 10 pounds lighter, I make my own smoothies, and I work out every day.  In one week, I’m proud to say that two of those are true!  (And no, it’s not losing weight…)  However, what I gained from this book was more important than what I lost.

You see, out of the nine chapters (including the intro and conclusion) that are in this book, seven of them focus on mindset and motivation.  Billy sprinkles some tips in here and there, but the message he’s really trying to portray is that anyone can make small steps to getting fit.  Instead of giving you a step-by-step, eat-this-not-that program to follow, he gives insight about the details that we don’t even realize go into eating healthy or working out.

For example, did you realize that kids are more likely to eat junk food after watching TV?  The reason why is because there are so many advertisements for junk food.  I even fell victim to the temptation this week.  I was watching a video on YouTube and saw an ad for chips.  All of a sudden, I forgot about my diet and instantly started to crave chips.  If there were chips I could access at the time, I probably would have reached for a bag!  But I’m glad that happened, so now I am aware of the temptations that are out there.

While there is no one-size-fits-all program, Billy provides advice that can help you change habits to create your own way to lose weight and feel great.  He starts with simply asking you why.  Why do you want to get in shape? That why will carry you forward in your endeavors to be healthy.

As a woman whose weight is affected by hormones, water retention, and stress eating/not eating (basically anxiety could make me eat more or less depending on the type of stress), I was more focused on reading this book because of the Feel Great part.  And while I have not lost weight yet, I never intended to lose weight because of it.  But I have to tell you, the takeaways I got from this book have helped me to become a better person.  I know it’s only been a week since I read it, but I pray that this motivation lasts.

Here are some things that I now implement in my life as a result of reading this book:

  • Weekly goals: I want to start each week with a goal in mind.  My goal this past week was to successfully finish a workout at SkyZone, a trampoline park near us.  In order to do that, I worked out every day, ate food that fueled me, and pushed myself not to give up.  Today, my husband and I completed the workout without having to stop.  Preparing yourself for the week or day ahead helps you make better decisions tomorrow.
  • Working out every day: To be honest, I thought it was bad to work out every day.  But now I do an intense workout one day, a moderate workout the next, and keep changing it up.
  • Watching what goes in: I’m not just talking about food.  After reading about how food advertisements can affect what you eat, I realized that my Facebook news feed is filled with people posting sugary recipes and memes about being lazy and eating a whole pizza (sorry if you suddenly start craving pizza!).  I found a nice little feature on Facebook that helps you hide a post you don’t like.  I now do this, not just for food on my news feed, but also for inappropriate posts (I’m literally amazed at what I see on Facebook these days).
  • Getting creative with my food: I was kind of in a routine of making poor choices.  We shop at Trader Joe’s, but we buy the same frozen food every time we go.  We received a Ninja (food processor) for our wedding, but we haven’t really used it.  In light of trying to eat healthier sweets, I’ve been blending what Billy would call a “recovery meal,” a smoothie packed with protein and vitamins.

I don’t want to give away too much about the book, but I do highly recommend it if you need a pick-me-up to help you work out again.  You can purchase the book on Amazon.  For those who are local to Long Island, you can also check out Billy’s challenge that he’s doing at Total Body Bootcamp and Performance Center: Click here for more information

Categories
Throwback Thursday

#Tbt to When I Discovered My Worth

Three years ago, God taught me a beautiful lesson when I went on a walk around where I used to live:

Apart from Christ, I can do nothing.  But through Christ, I can do everything.

You see, I was walking around my old house when I saw a shiny penny on the ground.  At the time, I was unemployed and had to pay student loans, so I saved every penny (literally) that I could find.  I thanked God profusely for providing this tiny little miracle, the proof that God could take care of my needs in any way He chose to do so…even make money fall out of the sky.

But it gets better.  I turned the corner and looked down again.  This time, I saw a beat-up penny, and next to it was a shiny quarter.  God had provided twenty-seven whole cents to provide for my needs.  It may not seem like a lot to you, but when you have no source of income, any amount of money is a lot.

God used this small little blessing to teach me to always remember that I need God every minute of my life.  No matter what blessings come my way, no matter how successful I become, no matter how much “I got it,” I still need God.  Apart from Him, I don’t have blessings.  Apart from Him, I don’t have success.  Apart from Him…I’m lost and confused.

But with Him…even twenty-seven cents can be used in a mighty way for His glory.  With Him…even my life, a small blip on the spectrum of all of humanity, can be used in a might way for His glory.

Now that I’m #blessed with a job, a husband, and an apartment, it is so tempting to forget that I still need God.  Just as easily as God blessed me with these provisions, He can also take them away for whatever reason.  God is fully in control of my life because I’ve surrendered to Him.

Knowing that God is in control has helped me tremendously with my anxiety.  People have anxiety for multiple reasons, but my anxiety really stemmed from not feeling in control.  Growing up, I didn’t feel secure.  I didn’t feel safe.  I woke up every day, knowing that anything could happen, but not sure what that “anything” involved.

When I surrendered my life to God, I learned to trust the One who was now completely in control of my life.  I’ve learned that He’s in control, but He’s not an evil tyrant who wants to make my life miserable.  Rather, He’s a loving father who loves His creation and knows what’s best, not just for me, but for the whole world.  Since He knows what’s best, and since He loves me…I feel secure.  I feel safe.  I wake up every day, knowing that anything could happen, and that “anything” would be a new, exciting adventure.

Every day with Jesus is a beautiful adventure.

Sometimes I feel like that beat-up penny.  Sometimes I feel like I’m worth close to nothing.  Sometimes I feel like no one will notice me if they’re walking past me on the side of the road.

But then I realize that I’m standing with Christ by my side, who is worth much more than a quarter.  As Christ strengthens me, I have confidence to conquer any trial that comes my way.  As Christ affirms my identity in Him, I have the courage to dispel any insecurity that wells up within me.  I am free to live the life that God has created me to live.

If you’re doubting your worth today, know that God is not finished with you yet.  Trusting in God is not always easy, but it is worth it.  God will provide what you need when you need it, and He will accomplish mighty things through you if you let Him.

Photo by Jay Castor on Unsplash