Category: Encouragement

Categories
Marriage

Love Never Fails, Even When We Do

If I were to go down the of the attributes of 1 Corinthians 13 that I’ve been discussing over the summer, I would honestly say that I can’t do it. Love is patient, but I am not. Love is kind, but I am not. Love does not envy, but I do. Love does not boast, but I do. Love is not proud, but I am. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, but I am all of those things. Love holds no record of wrongs, but I have a list a mile long of every evil done to me and by me. Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth, but I can’t say that I’ve always been on the winning side. Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres, but I can’t use the word always to describe my tendencies. Love never fails, but I fail almost every day.

Marriage is hard. Really hard. I write a post about being patient and kind, and then a minute later I yell at my husband. I write a post about keeping no record of wrongs, and later that week we fight about something that happened two years ago. When it comes to love, I feel like I’m doing it all wrong. I feel like I’ve failed.

You may look at me and Lenny and think that we have no problems. Good, that means we have you fooled. You shouldn’t be involved in our problems, because it’s our job to work through them, not yours. However, today I’m in one of those moods where the mask comes off and the gloves come on. I’m ready to fight against our insecurities and our weaknesses by sharing about the culmination of the “love chapter”: Love never fails.

Whenever I hear this, I know that no one is talking about me. I fail every single day. Marriage doesn’t change that. We think that once we get married, we’re perfect. As women, we’ve been told that we need to prepare ourselves for marriage so that we can be the right fit for our husbands, so that we could be his “one.” That’s so much pressure! I was sure the minute I met Lenny that I wasn’t going to be everything he wanted. We had our fair share of fights, most of them completely and totally ugly. But when our fights didn’t keep us away from each other, we knew that God was up to something special in our lives.

Getting married didn’t get rid of the ugly; it probably exposed our ugliness even more. It doesn’t matter how much you love someone; becoming one with another person is a mess. Some may call it a beautiful mess, but it’s still a mess. I’m not proud of everything I’ve done and said during those fights. But God was with us on our wedding day, and he’s been with us every day after that first moment of our lives together.

When we fail, God doesn’t. Even when we’re not exemplary “1 Corinthians 13” followers, God is love. I am fully convinced that our marriage would be a bigger mess if we didn’t have Jesus at the center. When I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall, when I don’t see a way around this mountain, when I have had enough with myself and with my husband, when I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore because I just want to win the argument against my husband. . . I look up. I talk to the God who can move mountains, who can make a way when there is no way. I can’t do it, but God can. I fall short, but God is limitless. I fail, but God’s love never fails.

I show love to Lenny when he’s nice to me, but I withhold love from him when he upsets me. That’s not love. Love is choosing to stand beside your spouse, being completely vulnerable with each other, loving like you’ve never been hurt before. . .even if your spouse has hurt you or will hurt you again.

That’s the way God loves, and loving God is the only way we’ll ever be able to give and receive that love to our spouses.

So, despite our fights, despite the mess, I believe that our marriage will not only survive, but thrive. The God that Paul describes in 1 Corinthians 13 is the glue that is holding our marriage together. When our finite human love falls short, God’s love for us as individuals and as a couple keeps us grounded.

Where do you turn when you fail?

Photo by Marc A on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Write Down to Calm Down

It’s no coincidence that I have anxiety and I love to write. When I’m anxious, I could spend hours writing in my journal, processing my thoughts, making sense of the world around me. I can articulate my emotions and better communicate them to people when I write. As a result, I’m able to maintain my anxiety. I’ve noticed that when I don’t make time to journal, I’m more restless and I’m not as in tune with my emotions.

Truthfully, I haven’t journaled in the past couple of days, so I’m finding it hard to sit still as I’m typing this. My mind is also swimming with ideas to a point where I don’t know what’s going on up there. So maybe this advice is just as important for me in this moment as it is for you.

Make Time to Write
The #1 response I hear to why people don’t journal is, “I don’t have time.” The truth is: We don’t have time for everything. Life is busy, but I believe it’s because we want to be at all places at all times, but we can’t. God gave us twenty-four hours in a day, no more and no less. If journaling is something you want to try, you should make it a priority to carve any amount of time out for your day.

Think about the things that consume your time. You say you don’t have time, but you unwind by watching Netflix or scrolling any one of your social media sites. You make time to spectate other people’s lives, and yet you don’t make time to process your own. If you want a better life, make time to assess where you are now and make measurable goals of where you want to be later. Journaling is the perfect first step for that.

Face Your Fear of Yourself
Before I had a dishwasher, I used to dread washing the dishes. Days would go by and my dishes would pile up. At the end of the week, I wouldn’t want to know what disgusting crusts and smells would arise when I would finally turn on the hot water and start rinsing off my old plates. Although the process was nauseating and painful (I would often burn my hands in the hot water), I would get through washing the dishes and would have sparkling clean dishes.

Similarly, I don’t want to journal when I know I’ll be confronted with my depression or anxiety. I have this fear that I’ll process my feelings for hours only to find out that I’m overreacting and that, overall, I’m a mess. I’m comforted by the fact that God doesn’t look at me that way. God does not despise my broken and contrite heart. He accepts me with my mess, and He helps me sort through the murky waters of my emotions.

If you are afraid of what you will find when you journal, start by affirming yourself with Scripture. God has a lot of great things to say about you in His word. Psalm 139 has been my anthem lately as I’ve struggled with truly feeling beautiful in God’s eyes. God had me in mind before I was even born, and He crafted me to beautifully reflect His glory. Knowing this, I feel less disgusting as I search the depths of my heart.

Journaling Prompts
Pinterest has plenty of prompts to help you start your journaling journey. I’ve taken a few and created my own list. Keep in mind that I assume you’re journaling in the morning when you first wake up, because that’s when I normally do so. If you journal at night before bed, replace “yesterday” with “today,” and “today” with “tomorrow.” Let me know which prompt resonated most with you, and which one you want to try! I think I’m going to try a few of these!

  1. Where did you see God show up in your life yesterday? How are you expecting Him to meet you today?
  2. What success happened yesterday that you would want to achieve again today?
  3. What makes you feel most loved? When was that need met/not met recently?
  4. If you knew God would give you whatever you requested, what would you pray? (Forget what you’re not “allowed” to pray for, like a million dollars or for your ex-boyfriend to break up with his girlfriend. This is your journal, and if the desire of your heart is to win a million dollars or to see your ex-boyfriend suffer, God wants you to be honest with Him. I’m not saying He’ll answer your prayer, but He will give you clarity in how to align your desires with His will).
  5. Write a letter to your past self (at any age, or at a point during a traumatic experience in your life).

Your turn:
-If you’ve never tried journaling, what is stopping you from trying? Is it intimidating or boring?
-What prompts would you try from this list?
-What prompts would you add?

Photo by Lonely Planet on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Love Always Endures

Today, I tried out the cycle class at the gym with my mom. The gym we go to offers the cycle class at least once every two hours, so I figured it was important enough to give it a try. It seemed like I was the only newbie, as everyone knew how to work the bike (read: get on the bike) besides me!

Once the music started and they turned the lights off, we started to pedal. The bikes lit up different colors based on how fast we were going and how much resistance we were using. Throughout the class, the instructor helped us to build endurance. It wasn’t necessarily about pedaling the fastest or using more resistance. Rather, it was about doing our best, keeping our eyes focused on our own progress, and pushing through to the end. Endurance in cycle class means not getting off the bike.

It was difficult not to accept defeat and go sit in a freezer somewhere. I knew it would be a 45-minute class, so my stomach churned each time I looked at the clock at only saw two minutes pass. With each panting breath, with each wave of nausea, with each bead of sweat protruding out of my pores, I wanted to stop. However, I knew it was my first time, so discomfort would be part of the process. Instead of killing it in the red zone like my neighbors, I coasted comfortably in the yellow zone, knowing one day I could make it to the red if I don’t give up.

The Greek word for endures is similar to this concept in 1 Corinthians 13:7. It means to remain under the load, to bear up. The Biblical definition of endurance is fighting through the pain until it’s finished. For those of us that work out, we know that fighting through the pain only makes us stronger.

The endurance I maintained on the stationary bike today was a reminder of the personal endurance I’m trying to maintain on a daily basis. I’m trying to eat healthier and grow my muscles. I’ve made a practice of writing down what I eat and what exercises I do each day to track my progress. But the endurance doesn’t come when it’s easy; no, endurance comes when the cravings kick in, when I don’t feel like going to the gym, when I’m too tired, when I’m out with my friends and they all want to get ice cream. With pain comes endurance. Endurance is built in the hard times.

My husband and I both have personal goals. In addition to getting into shape, I am working on my novel and starting up a writing and editing career. My husband has been working extra hours and driving an hour and a half commute each morning! Life is not a walk in the park right now; it’s work! But we trust that these personal struggles are making us stronger.

We also have goals as a married couple. We’re saving money for a house, working on our communication, and growing closer as a couple. It’s a strain to hold off on things we want because we want to stick to our budget. It’s not easy to go against our habits that we formed as singles to make our marriage work. However, the pain that we endure from these experiences only make us stronger.

In the Bible, we are called to bear one another’s burdens. Life is hard, but it is easier together. Work together with your spouse to help you accomplish your goals. Ultimately, God is the one who will give you strength to endure all of the hardships that we will face in this life.

Photo by Andhika Soreng on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

3 Spiritual Band-Aids for Anxiety (And How to Nurse the Wounds of Our Friends)

I’m a woman who has been changed and saved by the wonderful grace of Jesus Christ. Reading and memorizing the truth of God’s Word (the Bible) has relieved me from my anxiety. Without God and without His word, I honestly don’t know if I’d have the life I have now. However, not everyone understands what it’s like to have anxiety, and good-natured people will try to “fix me” instead of help me. I’ve come to think of the following verses as “spiritual band-aids”:

Philippians 4:6
This verse is the reflex answer. This verse is one of the first that I have memorized. It truly got me through some rough times when I was younger, but I’ve heard it so many times it makes me cringe now. The rest of that passage in Philippians reminds us to be joyful and thankful, since God is with us. If that doesn’t relieve my anxiety, I don’t know what else will! I don’t believe that people take this verse out of context so much as they use it in the wrong context. On my average panic attack, my stomach will become a rock, my throat will close, I’ll have trouble breathing, I’ll get dizzy, and I’ll start sweating. Although I may not be having a full-blown panic attack in front of you, I experience some level of anxiety on a pretty consistent basis. Quoting Philippians 4:6 to me and telling me not to be anxious is like telling someone who is having an asthma attack to get over it. When I tell you I have anxiety, meet me where I am. Trust me when I say that I know all the Scriptures about peace and not worrying. Ask me what I need, and pray with me as needed. (Thank you!)

1 John 4:18
When I’m afraid, I’ve heard people quote this wonderful verse: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I guess I’m not very loving, right? Wrong! In context, this verse says that God’s love is so great that He casts out our fear of judgment when we die! Our sins make us worthy of condemnation and death, but because of the sacrifice of Christ and the glorious love of God, we don’t have to fear that anymore. Understanding 1 John 4:18 in context, instead of as a quick-fix answer to anxiety, truly heals me.

Matthew 6:25
“Don’t be afraid.” I love Matthew 6:25-33; this passage about God’s provision is one of my favorite passages in Scripture. However, when I am having a panic attack, I don’t need to be told, “Do not worry.” If I’m choking, you don’t smack me across the head and tell me to cut it out; instead, you make sure I’m breathing, you call for help, and you get out whatever is obstructing my breathing. The same should be true for when I have a panic attack. Telling me to stop panicking doesn’t help; the only thing that helps is treating it like a problem. Breathe with me, help me get my mind off of it, and listen to me.

Just like how someone with heart problems shouldn’t be reminded that he shouldn’t have had that cheeseburger while he is complaining of chest pains, someone with anxiety shouldn’t be reminded that he should have more faith or she should pray more. Those with anxiety are experts at their own anxiety, so they know what’s wrong with them. To really help anxiety victims in every situation, take the following steps:

  • Pray, because the other points need wisdom and discernment to know what to do in each specific situation.
  • If someone says, “I struggle with anxiety,” and you want to whip out a scripture about anxiety, ask the person what he/she needs from you. Does she need advice? Does he need to vent?
  • If the person wants to talk about his/her anxiety, ask about triggers: “What gives you anxiety?” “How do you cope with anxiety?”
  • People who have anxiety want to know that their friends are on their side. Assure your friend that you are there for him/her as needed, and that you will continue to pray. If you are a Christian, this is a great time to bring up (after gaining the person’s trust) that God is near to the brokenhearted, and that He cares about His people. (While I’m writing this, Rend Collective’s “You Will Never Run” is on Pandora. What a great reminder when I feel like my life is spinning out of control!)

 

Your turn:
-If you have anxiety, what is your deepest need?
-How do you cope with anxiety? How do you cope with panic attacks?
-How can I as a blogger, Christian, and friend help you to cope with your anxiety/panic attacks?
-What Bible verses help you to cope with anxiety?

Photo by Sydney Sims on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Where is Hope Found?

In modern English, hope has become an empty word. For example, when one says, “I hope everything works out,” there is no substance behind those words. The hope is not based on facts, circumstances, or even prayers! Therefore, when Paul says Love always hopes, what does he mean?

I love learning other languages, so I’m thankful for the resources out there that can make Greek and Hebrew (the languages the Bible was originally written in) easy to understand! In Greek, the word hope is elpizó, which means “actively waiting for God’s fulfillment about the faith He has inbirted through the power of His love.” In this meaning, the hope has substance. Love always active waits for God to fulfill his promises.

We live in a culture that is generally negative. People always have a reason to complain, and they take every chance they can to voice their critical opinions to us. Hope is a rare commodity.

However, Biblical hope has even more substance than the positivity that we crave in our world. In Romans 8, Paul talks about Biblical hope. The same word elpizó is used in this text to describe our expectation of God fulfilling His promise to redeem the world:

“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (Romans 8:22-24).

This entire chapter of Scripture has been viewed as a champion chapter for believers. We know through Romans 8 that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (v. 1). We know that God has adopted us as His children, removing our fear of man (v. 15). We know that God’s Spirit testifies with our spirit that we are children of God (v. 16). We know that we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us (v. 37). We know that nothing can separate us from God’s love (v. 38-39).

If this doesn’t instill hope in believers, I don’t know what does!

Although this was a fun Bible lesson, this post is on marriage. How can we hope in marriage? In my opinion, when we have a heavenly perspective, nothing else matters. When we know that we already have the best future waiting for us in the next life, when we know that we can live fulfilled lives by walking with God’s Spirit and obeying His Word, when we know that we will all be united as one body at the resurrection, suddenly my problems don’t seem so big anymore. Suddenly, I don’t care about how much money  we have in the bank or in our retirement. Suddenly, I don’t care that my husband leaves his dirty dishes in the sink. Suddenly, I don’t care that I’ve been having trouble losing weight. Because in the end, everything will work out, in the most beautiful and glorious way that any of us could ever hope.

I know a few of my readers have experiences way worse than the ones I’ve mentioned, like trying to conceive or facing bankruptcy or dealing with affairs. I don’t want you to think that I’m downplaying your trials. However, I do believe more than anything else that God is bigger than any trial you may be facing. At the end of the day, when you place your life in His tender loving care, He will see you through your storm. Right now, I know, the pain is unbearable and the storms make everything so unclear. Yet, when you look back on your life, those difficult trials that you face together (Paul describes them as momentary afflictions in 2 Corinthians 4:17-18) will be like a bad hair day.

The hope that Christ offers us is an anchor for our souls (Hebrews 6:19). Anchor your marriage in the hope of Jesus Christ, and He will see you through every storm.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Divorce (in Friendships) is Not an Option

My husband and I have a rule: divorce is not an option. We don’t joke about it, we don’t have it in our back pocket as a last resort, we don’t use the word at all. This makes it, admittedly, challenging to live together, because I can’t walk away from him. I can’t move in with my parents when we have a fight. I can’t even sleep on the couch! Since we’ve decided there’s no way out of our marriage, we’ve had to turn in and deal with our problems instead of running from them.

I wonder what it would be like if we treated our friendships like that, too.

As I confessed last week, it is tempting for me to cut people off. I have agoraphobia, which is the fear of being stuck. Even if I know I’ll never leave, or that the situation won’t be harmful for me, I like to know that I have an option to leave if need be. To be honest, marriage was very scary for me in the beginning because I couldn’t try to escape. However, with friends, it’s easy to leave if I don’t want to deal with conflict. I simply don’t return their texts and stop making eye contact with them in social settings.

That is not the way that God intended us to have friendships.

In Romans 12:18, Paul writes: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” The writer of Hebrews also echoes this thought: “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord” (12:14). What if we took this admonishment from the Bible to the extreme? What if we acted like we were stuck in a room with our friends and we had to resolve our conflicts instead of run away from them? How honest would we be with each other? What would we say? What secret sins that we’re hiding would be exposed? You see, there is healing in confession, and there is healing in conflict resolution.

As a result of last week’s post, I had a few people ask me, “How do I know if I should cut someone off?” My answer to that is, do everything in your power to keep the peace between you and that person. If you want to cut someone off, at least talk to him/her first. Make it clear why you are unhappy with the friendship, and see if there is any way you could work it out together. We make fun of people who break up with their significant others over text or “ghost” their significant others, but we think it’s totally normal to do that to our friends. I would only cut off the friendship if A) the friend has made it very clear he/she wants to end the friendship (by saying “I want to end the friendship”), despite your efforts, or B) the friend has abusive behavior that makes you uncomfortable, such as inappropriate touching, pressure to abuse substances, codependency, etc.

If you feel like you’re being abused and you’re not sure whether to confront the person or run away, seek out wise counsel. Abuse is a tricky subject, because you can think someone looking at you funny is abuse, but you can also think someone beating you to a pulp is not abuse. That’s why I recommend seeking wise counsel as soon as possible.

If you bring another person into the situation, be careful to express your feelings and not gossip. It’s tempting to use that opportunity to talk badly about someone that has hurt you. If you are a friend that wants to help, listen empathetically and remain as neutral as possible.

Since I can’t run from my husband, I’ve grown in ways I would have never done so on my own. I’m learning how to lay down my pride, admit my mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and extend forgiveness. Whether you are married or single, you can apply this same principle to your friendships. Lean into the relationship instead of running away. Practice the tips we discussed last week about how to deal with conflict. Learn from the experience, and trust God to reveal to you where you need to grow. And of course, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with one another.

Photo by Melisa Popanicic on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Have Faith in Love

Love believes all things. When I read that phrase in English, I am reminded of a gullible person. As a friend once told me, “Stand up for what you believe in, or you’ll fall for anything.” Are we really supposed to believe everything that people tell us? At first glance, this is exactly what it is saying. The Greek word for “believes” is “pisteuó” which means “to be persuaded.”

However, this aspect of love challenges us to be persuaded by the Lord. God has proven His faithfulness and trustworthiness in the Bible, and in our daily lives. Although God is trustworthy, we cannot always trust those around us. We are called throughout Scripture not to be tossed around like the wind, but to test everything and to be sober-minded. We can trust the Lord and allow His hand to guide our everyday lives, because He loves us.

Throughout my youth, I had several experiences that made me want to put up a guard against dating, relationships, or marriage. A few years before meeting my husband, I was in a relationship that honestly was going nowhere, but I was too stubborn to end it, until I was emotionally and mentally spent. After that, I went on several “dates” with guys, except they didn’t call them “dates.” They would invite me to “hang out” and “get coffee,” like that’s the only way you can “hang out” with a member of the opposite gender. As an emotionally exhausted, mentally confused young woman who had been gullible for far too long with guys, I put up walls and decided not to “hang out” with guys alone.

When I met my husband, that wall was about three feet thick. There was no way that guy would come near me! My poor friend (who was a friend at the time) bent over backwards to try to convince me that he was worth trusting, but I wouldn’t bite. At least, not until one of my best friends confronted me and told me to let him in a little.

In a world where experiences like mine (and worse) are not uncommon, it has become increasingly difficult to trust. That’s why this aspect of love, that love believes all things, does not sit well with me. It’s not that I don’t believe the word of God, but there are parts of Scripture that rub us the wrong way so that we know where we need work.

We have reached the point in this passage where we have learned that God is the only one who can offer us perfect love. First John 4:18 says that perfect love casts out all fear. Due to my anxiety, I used to think that this verse was condemning me for having fear. However, I’ve learned that God, the only one who can provide perfect love to us, brings us to a place where fear no longer has control over us. It may take time, it may take sacrifice, but we have to trust Him.

Over time, as I prayed and trusted God on a daily basis in my relationship with my husband, I became less afraid and more trusting. The more days my husband didn’t hurt me, the more I was able to open up to him and share bits and pieces of my heart. There were times, of course, when he would hurt me unintentionally and my fearful defenses would fly up again, but we dealt with them. Now that we are married, the fear of being hurt doesn’t go away, but as we work through it together, the walls crumble down brick by brick.

Let love persuade you. God offers you the type of perfect love that allows you to never fear again. As you encounter the living, loving God on a daily basis, He will begin to tear down your walls and help you to trust again.

Photo by Liane Metzler on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

How to Resolve Conflict Without Freaking Out About it

Social anxiety is a common fear that people carry with them throughout their lives. While some fear spiders, snakes, storms, and even holes, those with social anxiety are so consumed with what people think about them that they fear social situations. Admittedly, I am one of those people. In the next few weeks, I will share what social anxiety looks like for me and how I deal with it. For now, I will discuss the scariest part of social experiences for me: conflict resolution!

Whether you have an anxiety disorder or not, conflict resolution is scary! Here’s why:

  • You have to share your feelings with someone that hurt you
  • You can’t control how that person is going to react
  • It’s possible that you will pour your heart out to a person that broke your heart, only for there to be no change whatsoever to your relationship

In college, someone rubbed me the wrong way for years. We were always butting heads. About a month before graduation, we found time to talk in private and attempt to work through our differences. Despite the fact that we’d had such heated arguments in the past, we were both able to talk to each other openly and honestly.

Conflict resolution is a muscle that will develop over time, as you use it. However, if you fear social settings, conflict can fuel your anxiety. Here are some tips I’ve learned to make dealing with conflict easier:

  • Remember that God is your defender: In Psalm 18, David sings praises about how God defends him against his enemies. God can do the same for you. If you have a conflict with someone, remember that God is on your side, and he wants what is best for you and this person in your life. Cover your conflict in prayer, from deciding the right time to bring it up, to the moment when you reach a resolution.
  • Choose your battles: As much as I am a fan of dealing with my feelings, I realize that not everyone is willing to hear me out. If someone hurts me, I have to pray about whether or not it is worth bringing up. I ask myself these two questions use to determine if I need to say something: 1) Am I hurt so bad that it’s affecting my daily life? 2) Is this person important enough to me to share my heart with them? If I have a bad experience with a family member, I will talk to them about it. However, if a receptionist is rude to me on the phone, I choose not to answer the phone when she calls me back instead of trying to get her fired. (No, that didn’t happen yesterday…)
  • Don’t run from fear: Don’t blame God for your fear of conflict! I’ve heard people tell me that they feel God is calling them to “let it go,” and while (as I explained in the last point) that is possible, I want to challenge you to think about if you’re afraid of conflict or if you truly think bringing it up will make your relationship worse.
  • Be honest: I know that when you have a good heart but you’re angry at someone for a valid reason, it is difficult to look that person in the eye and be honest about how you feel. However, honesty will bring you closer together. If you simply desire to be a peacemaker and sweep your problems under the rug, you will develop bitterness instead of experiencing the full healing that God wants you to enjoy in your relationships. When sharing your feelings, remember to use “I” statements instead of blaming.
  • Have an open mind about the resolution: Of course, I want to win every conflict that I face, especially after facing my social anxiety and building up the courage to talk to those who upset me. However, while most conflicts resolve as win-win situations for both parties, I recently had a conversation with someone that resulted in an “agree to disagree.” We were both completely honest and we validated each other’s sides, but we could not reach a point where we were on the same side, so we simply resolved to pause the conversation and bring it up again when we needed to deal with it. No matter what happens, consider it a victory that you followed all of the steps to overcome your fear and make the relationship better.

Conflict resolution is scary, and may cause us to freeze or run away, but it is necessary for our growth and for our relationships. As usual, remember to be easy on yourself. It will take time before you become a master at being honest with your emotions and expressing them to those who hurt you.

Photo by Kevin Gent on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Love is a Safe Place

Love always protects.

Growing up, I always wanted someone to protect me. Sexual abuse is scattered around our family tree, and although it thankfully has never happened to me, it was something I feared was always right around the corner. I used to have nightmares that someone would climb in through my window and sneak into my room in the middle of the night. I dreamed of the day when I would have a husband to protect me, when I could snuggle him close in the middle of the night, knowing that no bad guy could break through those strong arms.

When I hugged my husband for the first time, listening to his heart beat out of his chest and into my cheek, I knew that I was safe in those arms. His heart was set on protecting me even before we dated. He wanted me for himself, and he wanted me to pursue my greatest dreams. Those dreams began with feeling connected, and feeling protected.

The word used in 1 Corinthians 13:7 paints a beautiful picture of a roof protecting the house from rain. Honestly, tears come to my eyes as I think of how the love in our marriage has protected us from all of life’s storms. Although we’ve only been married for 19 months, we have been through a lot together. From the death of family members to medical issues, from financial strain to work drama, we have covered each other and have built each other up through love. Whatever storms we’ve faced together, the love that we share has kept our faith from wavering, our hearts from breaking, and our souls from wandering.

Love is what covers us when the storms of life threaten to ruin us.

“He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.”
-Psalm 91:4-6 (NIV)

My favorite word picture of God is of an eagle, protecting us with His feathers. He loves us so much that He wants us to be secure. That’s doesn’t mean that we will have a problem-free life, but it means that when the storms come, we have an anchor that will keep us steady through those difficult times. Those who know Christ are completely and totally hidden with Him (see Colossians 3:3). We are protected by His care.

Since we live in an apartment complex, we hear noises all the time at night. The noise from our neighbors is so loud that we sometimes think that they are in the next room. Every night before bed, we pray, and then we sleep soundly. I know that my husband protects me with his love that does not want me to get hurt, and I know that God protects us with his infinite love that knows what is best for us.

Love always protects.

Photo by Christiana Rivers on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Don’t Be Afraid, but Prepare Yourself

Warning, there may be triggers in this post for people who do not like reading about violence or psychosomatic responses. Proceed with caution, hug an animal/teddy bear, and breathe.

When God created us, God gave us reflexes, which are meant to protect us. If we’re driving on the road and a giant truck is speeding the wrong way toward us, we have every reason to respond in fear, since that truck could potentially kill us. In the face of dangerous situations, adrenaline rushes through our body and tells us to fight, flight, or freeze.

I love the reminder that “God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called.” However, I think we need to define what that looks like. God calls us to do impossible things with his strength, but he does not leave us empty handed. We may be unqualified when he calls us to a task, but when we actually do the task, he will have prepared us through trials and acts of faith. When we look at Scripture and the people who were used of God despite their fear, we see that God prepared them to conquer the giants in their way.

Due to his prejudice and the reputation that the Ninevites had, Jonah, despite being a prophet of God, did not want to speak judgment over those people. He ran in the exact opposite direction of where God was calling him. Nevertheless, God chased down Jonah and prepared him to follow his will. Jonah spent two days in the belly of a large fish, praying and seeking God. God used those trials to grow Jonah’s faith and to prepare him for the task of calling the Ninevites to repentance.

Moses was eighty years old when he got the call from God to lead the people out of Egypt. Although Moses was afraid, God had molded Moses’ life as a shepherd who was raised by Pharaoh’s daughter, so that Moses had influence to speak to Pharaoh and had wisdom to lead the Israelites.

Mary was a teenager when the angel Gabriel spoke to her and told her that she would give birth to the Messiah and then raise him to walk in the way of God. Her response? She was afraid! She was engaged to Joseph, who probably would be wondering how a baby got inside of her. Also, did I mention that she was a young teenager? Nevertheless, God had prepared her to hear the prophecy from Gabriel through her years of faith, and I am certain that God used the pregnancy to grow her faith to where she could raise the Messiah and give glory to God through His birth.

These people from the Bible, in addition to several others, were scared, but they were also prepared. When you’re faced with fear, it is important to take several steps. First, think about what actually makes you afraid. “What about flying on an airplane or confronting my boss or walking around my neighborhood scares me? What’s the worst that can happen?” You may get some healing from simply asking yourself that question, especially when your fears are irrational.

However, if you discover that your fear is legitimate (whether you’ve faced trauma that almost killed you, or the fear paralyzes you), you need to ask yourself, “Am I prepared to face my fear?” I personally have a fear of planes, but I love to travel. Once I buy a plane ticket, I research how long the flight will be, I think of fun activities to do while on the flight, I stock up on essential oils and natural calming products, and I pray. Even if I book a flight months in advance, I do all these things, because I obsess about my future safety.

If you’re afraid of getting attacked by a person with a weapon, unless you are an armed police officer who is trained in self-defense, you are not prepared to face your fear. If you’re afraid of skydiving but you want to jump without a parachute, you are not prepared to face your fear. Fears are healthy when our bodies know we are not prepared to deal with that dangerous situation. Before being a hero, be patient with yourself and go through the training you need to conquer your fears.

How can you use these steps to prepare yourself for the next time you face your fears?

Photo by chuttersnap on Unsplash