Category: anxiety

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anxiety

Afraid of Success

In the beginning of the summer, I started my career as a freelance writer and editor. I didn’t sign a contract, nor did I get any sort of salary or benefits. My husband and I made the decision to start my business up from the ground.

Over these last couple of months, I’ve had plenty of doubts. What if my book never gets published? What if no one ever gives me business? What if people hear my pitch, see my passion, and still reject me? What if I never make another dime in my life?

As Sophie writes in Letters to Juliet: “‘What’ and ‘If’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What… if? What, if? What if…?”

To be honest with you, I’m not pursuing this career path for the money. I’m doing this because I love to write, and you can’t put a price tag on what you love. On a laborious commute home about a year ago, I heard a sermon from Craig Groeschel, during his series “Divine Direction.” His intro wasn’t related to his sermon (it was more of an announcement), but what he said stuck with me. He asked the congregation if they would be willing to keep their current jobs if they were guaranteed $10,000 more. Then he asked if they were guaranteed $20,000, then $100,000, then $1 million. Some people would violently nod their heads in agreement, but to me, the money isn’t worth it if you don’t like what you do. Time is also a valuable resource, and if you spend 40+ hours a week doing something you don’t like (in addition to the hours you spend thinking and talking about your job), you’re wasting your time. I thank God for the opportunity to do what I love, without looking at my salary.

Although my fear of failure is slowly dissipating, these last couple of weeks, I’ve realized that I have a fear even deeper than my fear of failure. I have a fear of success.

I’ve dreamed of staying at home as a writer since I was six years old, before I even knew it was possible. All I knew was that I loved sitting on my computer all day and typing stories. I loved to write, and as God came into my life and changed my heart, I started to love encouraging the hopeless with my writing as well. Given all the enemy threw at me to make me unsuccessful, here I am, in the battle arena, waiting to mount onto the victor’s pedestal.

What if all the hopes and dreams that I’ve wanted to see come to fruition, aren’t as great as I think they’re going to be?

Despite what Shia LaBeouf may say, it often is better for your dreams to be dreams. Dreams can be whatever you want them to be, with no interruptions. Once your dream is voiced, it suddenly clashes with reality, and now you have to deal with the rubber meeting the road, the flying car crashing onto the paved road on the ground.

That is the same for my writing. My dream is to be a published author with tons of books, traveling and spreading hope to my adoring readers, for the glory of God. I want to make a living as a writer. I totally believe that’s possible, but what if it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be? What if my dream isn’t as beautiful and wonderful as I had always hoped?

The joy in this message is that our success is never going to be as satisfying as we expect. God has given us a passion for Him and for His kingdom, for Heaven. While we can enjoy a taste of the blessings He has for us in the next life, nothing on Earth is ever going to satisfy us apart from God. All we can do is work as hard as we can for God, and to pursue the dreams that He has birthed in us. Through prayer and wise counsel, you can find that dream job, and you can be successful, no matter what you do. And you don’t have to be afraid of success or failure.

Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Choose Your Battles

Since I’ve had to go through some tough love recently, I have some tough love for you, friend:

If you can’t control your anxiety, your anxiety will control you.

In 2014, a dear friend of mine prayed for me and encouraged me with this word: You’re stronger than you think. I have never forgotten that, because it was something I didn’t believe. I think that I’m weak because I have anxiety. But that’s a lie. Anxiety does not have power over me. I am stronger than my fear by the grace of God.

When facing my fears, I choose my battles. There are some fights I’m not willing to engage in, where I let anxiety be my excuse, but there are some fights where I take out my biggest weapon and attack it head-on.

One of those fears is being on stage, being the center of attention. My best friend just got married this weekend. I was so incredibly happy for her, and I was blessed to be one of her bridesmaids. However, I couldn’t shake the fear of standing on the steps at the front of the church, where anyone could be looking at me. Leading up to the wedding, I realized that this fear was totally selfish. This was my friend’s day, not mine. Not a single eye was looking at me during the ceremony, and that’s the way it should be. Instead of letting the fear stop me from enjoying the ceremony, I filled my mind with the reminder that I was doing this for her, and for her and her husband’s commitment to God. By standing up there, I wasn’t just facing my fear; I was displaying to her and to everyone else that I supported her union to her husband and that I believed that God is at the center of their marriage. That is something worth fighting for.

Another one of those fears is flying. My fear if flying is debilitating. Most people get scared going through security, but I’m scared once the cabin door is shut and we have no way out until we land on the other side (even just writing that made it difficult to breathe!). On the flight, I shake uncontrollably, my muscles tense up, and I usually end up crying. Like, ugly crying. However, I love to travel. I want to see the world with my husband and my family. My husband’s family also lives in another state, and we have to fly to see them. When my grandfather was alive, he made a vow that he would never fly because it scared him too much. I cannot and will not do that. So I do whatever it takes to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepare myself for the flight. I remind myself that whatever is waiting on the other side of the plane is worth the panic attacks.

Some anxiety is not worth fighting. I don’t go on roller coasters because the five seconds of thrill I’d feel conquering my fear is not worth day-long stress I would feel leading up to the experience. I don’t go on high ropes courses or go bungee jumping or sky diving because I’m afraid of heights; I have given up on the desire to add those things to my bucket list.

When you’re panicking, ask yourself: If I fight my fear, will it be worth it? My criterion for choosing my battle is: Will conquering my fear help me and my loved ones? Choosing to fight against my fear of being on stage helped me to celebrate with my friend and to show my support for her. Choosing to fight against my fear of flying helps me to enjoy God’s creation and to spend time with my loved ones. Although it may take time to fully overcome my fear, chopping away at the wall of fear a little bit at a time will eventually make the wall crumble.

You are indeed stronger than you think. God has great plans for you, and He will give you strength to fight each battle that comes your way. Today, try to conquer fear a little bit at a time. If you need help, reach out to a friend. I’m always here if you need prayer or encouragement!

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” -2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Photo by Henry Hustava on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Write Down to Calm Down

It’s no coincidence that I have anxiety and I love to write. When I’m anxious, I could spend hours writing in my journal, processing my thoughts, making sense of the world around me. I can articulate my emotions and better communicate them to people when I write. As a result, I’m able to maintain my anxiety. I’ve noticed that when I don’t make time to journal, I’m more restless and I’m not as in tune with my emotions.

Truthfully, I haven’t journaled in the past couple of days, so I’m finding it hard to sit still as I’m typing this. My mind is also swimming with ideas to a point where I don’t know what’s going on up there. So maybe this advice is just as important for me in this moment as it is for you.

Make Time to Write
The #1 response I hear to why people don’t journal is, “I don’t have time.” The truth is: We don’t have time for everything. Life is busy, but I believe it’s because we want to be at all places at all times, but we can’t. God gave us twenty-four hours in a day, no more and no less. If journaling is something you want to try, you should make it a priority to carve any amount of time out for your day.

Think about the things that consume your time. You say you don’t have time, but you unwind by watching Netflix or scrolling any one of your social media sites. You make time to spectate other people’s lives, and yet you don’t make time to process your own. If you want a better life, make time to assess where you are now and make measurable goals of where you want to be later. Journaling is the perfect first step for that.

Face Your Fear of Yourself
Before I had a dishwasher, I used to dread washing the dishes. Days would go by and my dishes would pile up. At the end of the week, I wouldn’t want to know what disgusting crusts and smells would arise when I would finally turn on the hot water and start rinsing off my old plates. Although the process was nauseating and painful (I would often burn my hands in the hot water), I would get through washing the dishes and would have sparkling clean dishes.

Similarly, I don’t want to journal when I know I’ll be confronted with my depression or anxiety. I have this fear that I’ll process my feelings for hours only to find out that I’m overreacting and that, overall, I’m a mess. I’m comforted by the fact that God doesn’t look at me that way. God does not despise my broken and contrite heart. He accepts me with my mess, and He helps me sort through the murky waters of my emotions.

If you are afraid of what you will find when you journal, start by affirming yourself with Scripture. God has a lot of great things to say about you in His word. Psalm 139 has been my anthem lately as I’ve struggled with truly feeling beautiful in God’s eyes. God had me in mind before I was even born, and He crafted me to beautifully reflect His glory. Knowing this, I feel less disgusting as I search the depths of my heart.

Journaling Prompts
Pinterest has plenty of prompts to help you start your journaling journey. I’ve taken a few and created my own list. Keep in mind that I assume you’re journaling in the morning when you first wake up, because that’s when I normally do so. If you journal at night before bed, replace “yesterday” with “today,” and “today” with “tomorrow.” Let me know which prompt resonated most with you, and which one you want to try! I think I’m going to try a few of these!

  1. Where did you see God show up in your life yesterday? How are you expecting Him to meet you today?
  2. What success happened yesterday that you would want to achieve again today?
  3. What makes you feel most loved? When was that need met/not met recently?
  4. If you knew God would give you whatever you requested, what would you pray? (Forget what you’re not “allowed” to pray for, like a million dollars or for your ex-boyfriend to break up with his girlfriend. This is your journal, and if the desire of your heart is to win a million dollars or to see your ex-boyfriend suffer, God wants you to be honest with Him. I’m not saying He’ll answer your prayer, but He will give you clarity in how to align your desires with His will).
  5. Write a letter to your past self (at any age, or at a point during a traumatic experience in your life).

Your turn:
-If you’ve never tried journaling, what is stopping you from trying? Is it intimidating or boring?
-What prompts would you try from this list?
-What prompts would you add?

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Categories
anxiety

3 Spiritual Band-Aids for Anxiety (And How to Nurse the Wounds of Our Friends)

I’m a woman who has been changed and saved by the wonderful grace of Jesus Christ. Reading and memorizing the truth of God’s Word (the Bible) has relieved me from my anxiety. Without God and without His word, I honestly don’t know if I’d have the life I have now. However, not everyone understands what it’s like to have anxiety, and good-natured people will try to “fix me” instead of help me. I’ve come to think of the following verses as “spiritual band-aids”:

Philippians 4:6
This verse is the reflex answer. This verse is one of the first that I have memorized. It truly got me through some rough times when I was younger, but I’ve heard it so many times it makes me cringe now. The rest of that passage in Philippians reminds us to be joyful and thankful, since God is with us. If that doesn’t relieve my anxiety, I don’t know what else will! I don’t believe that people take this verse out of context so much as they use it in the wrong context. On my average panic attack, my stomach will become a rock, my throat will close, I’ll have trouble breathing, I’ll get dizzy, and I’ll start sweating. Although I may not be having a full-blown panic attack in front of you, I experience some level of anxiety on a pretty consistent basis. Quoting Philippians 4:6 to me and telling me not to be anxious is like telling someone who is having an asthma attack to get over it. When I tell you I have anxiety, meet me where I am. Trust me when I say that I know all the Scriptures about peace and not worrying. Ask me what I need, and pray with me as needed. (Thank you!)

1 John 4:18
When I’m afraid, I’ve heard people quote this wonderful verse: “There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.” I guess I’m not very loving, right? Wrong! In context, this verse says that God’s love is so great that He casts out our fear of judgment when we die! Our sins make us worthy of condemnation and death, but because of the sacrifice of Christ and the glorious love of God, we don’t have to fear that anymore. Understanding 1 John 4:18 in context, instead of as a quick-fix answer to anxiety, truly heals me.

Matthew 6:25
“Don’t be afraid.” I love Matthew 6:25-33; this passage about God’s provision is one of my favorite passages in Scripture. However, when I am having a panic attack, I don’t need to be told, “Do not worry.” If I’m choking, you don’t smack me across the head and tell me to cut it out; instead, you make sure I’m breathing, you call for help, and you get out whatever is obstructing my breathing. The same should be true for when I have a panic attack. Telling me to stop panicking doesn’t help; the only thing that helps is treating it like a problem. Breathe with me, help me get my mind off of it, and listen to me.

Just like how someone with heart problems shouldn’t be reminded that he shouldn’t have had that cheeseburger while he is complaining of chest pains, someone with anxiety shouldn’t be reminded that he should have more faith or she should pray more. Those with anxiety are experts at their own anxiety, so they know what’s wrong with them. To really help anxiety victims in every situation, take the following steps:

  • Pray, because the other points need wisdom and discernment to know what to do in each specific situation.
  • If someone says, “I struggle with anxiety,” and you want to whip out a scripture about anxiety, ask the person what he/she needs from you. Does she need advice? Does he need to vent?
  • If the person wants to talk about his/her anxiety, ask about triggers: “What gives you anxiety?” “How do you cope with anxiety?”
  • People who have anxiety want to know that their friends are on their side. Assure your friend that you are there for him/her as needed, and that you will continue to pray. If you are a Christian, this is a great time to bring up (after gaining the person’s trust) that God is near to the brokenhearted, and that He cares about His people. (While I’m writing this, Rend Collective’s “You Will Never Run” is on Pandora. What a great reminder when I feel like my life is spinning out of control!)

 

Your turn:
-If you have anxiety, what is your deepest need?
-How do you cope with anxiety? How do you cope with panic attacks?
-How can I as a blogger, Christian, and friend help you to cope with your anxiety/panic attacks?
-What Bible verses help you to cope with anxiety?

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anxiety

Divorce (in Friendships) is Not an Option

My husband and I have a rule: divorce is not an option. We don’t joke about it, we don’t have it in our back pocket as a last resort, we don’t use the word at all. This makes it, admittedly, challenging to live together, because I can’t walk away from him. I can’t move in with my parents when we have a fight. I can’t even sleep on the couch! Since we’ve decided there’s no way out of our marriage, we’ve had to turn in and deal with our problems instead of running from them.

I wonder what it would be like if we treated our friendships like that, too.

As I confessed last week, it is tempting for me to cut people off. I have agoraphobia, which is the fear of being stuck. Even if I know I’ll never leave, or that the situation won’t be harmful for me, I like to know that I have an option to leave if need be. To be honest, marriage was very scary for me in the beginning because I couldn’t try to escape. However, with friends, it’s easy to leave if I don’t want to deal with conflict. I simply don’t return their texts and stop making eye contact with them in social settings.

That is not the way that God intended us to have friendships.

In Romans 12:18, Paul writes: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” The writer of Hebrews also echoes this thought: “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord” (12:14). What if we took this admonishment from the Bible to the extreme? What if we acted like we were stuck in a room with our friends and we had to resolve our conflicts instead of run away from them? How honest would we be with each other? What would we say? What secret sins that we’re hiding would be exposed? You see, there is healing in confession, and there is healing in conflict resolution.

As a result of last week’s post, I had a few people ask me, “How do I know if I should cut someone off?” My answer to that is, do everything in your power to keep the peace between you and that person. If you want to cut someone off, at least talk to him/her first. Make it clear why you are unhappy with the friendship, and see if there is any way you could work it out together. We make fun of people who break up with their significant others over text or “ghost” their significant others, but we think it’s totally normal to do that to our friends. I would only cut off the friendship if A) the friend has made it very clear he/she wants to end the friendship (by saying “I want to end the friendship”), despite your efforts, or B) the friend has abusive behavior that makes you uncomfortable, such as inappropriate touching, pressure to abuse substances, codependency, etc.

If you feel like you’re being abused and you’re not sure whether to confront the person or run away, seek out wise counsel. Abuse is a tricky subject, because you can think someone looking at you funny is abuse, but you can also think someone beating you to a pulp is not abuse. That’s why I recommend seeking wise counsel as soon as possible.

If you bring another person into the situation, be careful to express your feelings and not gossip. It’s tempting to use that opportunity to talk badly about someone that has hurt you. If you are a friend that wants to help, listen empathetically and remain as neutral as possible.

Since I can’t run from my husband, I’ve grown in ways I would have never done so on my own. I’m learning how to lay down my pride, admit my mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and extend forgiveness. Whether you are married or single, you can apply this same principle to your friendships. Lean into the relationship instead of running away. Practice the tips we discussed last week about how to deal with conflict. Learn from the experience, and trust God to reveal to you where you need to grow. And of course, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with one another.

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anxiety

How to Resolve Conflict Without Freaking Out About it

Social anxiety is a common fear that people carry with them throughout their lives. While some fear spiders, snakes, storms, and even holes, those with social anxiety are so consumed with what people think about them that they fear social situations. Admittedly, I am one of those people. In the next few weeks, I will share what social anxiety looks like for me and how I deal with it. For now, I will discuss the scariest part of social experiences for me: conflict resolution!

Whether you have an anxiety disorder or not, conflict resolution is scary! Here’s why:

  • You have to share your feelings with someone that hurt you
  • You can’t control how that person is going to react
  • It’s possible that you will pour your heart out to a person that broke your heart, only for there to be no change whatsoever to your relationship

In college, someone rubbed me the wrong way for years. We were always butting heads. About a month before graduation, we found time to talk in private and attempt to work through our differences. Despite the fact that we’d had such heated arguments in the past, we were both able to talk to each other openly and honestly.

Conflict resolution is a muscle that will develop over time, as you use it. However, if you fear social settings, conflict can fuel your anxiety. Here are some tips I’ve learned to make dealing with conflict easier:

  • Remember that God is your defender: In Psalm 18, David sings praises about how God defends him against his enemies. God can do the same for you. If you have a conflict with someone, remember that God is on your side, and he wants what is best for you and this person in your life. Cover your conflict in prayer, from deciding the right time to bring it up, to the moment when you reach a resolution.
  • Choose your battles: As much as I am a fan of dealing with my feelings, I realize that not everyone is willing to hear me out. If someone hurts me, I have to pray about whether or not it is worth bringing up. I ask myself these two questions use to determine if I need to say something: 1) Am I hurt so bad that it’s affecting my daily life? 2) Is this person important enough to me to share my heart with them? If I have a bad experience with a family member, I will talk to them about it. However, if a receptionist is rude to me on the phone, I choose not to answer the phone when she calls me back instead of trying to get her fired. (No, that didn’t happen yesterday…)
  • Don’t run from fear: Don’t blame God for your fear of conflict! I’ve heard people tell me that they feel God is calling them to “let it go,” and while (as I explained in the last point) that is possible, I want to challenge you to think about if you’re afraid of conflict or if you truly think bringing it up will make your relationship worse.
  • Be honest: I know that when you have a good heart but you’re angry at someone for a valid reason, it is difficult to look that person in the eye and be honest about how you feel. However, honesty will bring you closer together. If you simply desire to be a peacemaker and sweep your problems under the rug, you will develop bitterness instead of experiencing the full healing that God wants you to enjoy in your relationships. When sharing your feelings, remember to use “I” statements instead of blaming.
  • Have an open mind about the resolution: Of course, I want to win every conflict that I face, especially after facing my social anxiety and building up the courage to talk to those who upset me. However, while most conflicts resolve as win-win situations for both parties, I recently had a conversation with someone that resulted in an “agree to disagree.” We were both completely honest and we validated each other’s sides, but we could not reach a point where we were on the same side, so we simply resolved to pause the conversation and bring it up again when we needed to deal with it. No matter what happens, consider it a victory that you followed all of the steps to overcome your fear and make the relationship better.

Conflict resolution is scary, and may cause us to freeze or run away, but it is necessary for our growth and for our relationships. As usual, remember to be easy on yourself. It will take time before you become a master at being honest with your emotions and expressing them to those who hurt you.

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anxiety

Don’t Be Afraid, but Prepare Yourself

Warning, there may be triggers in this post for people who do not like reading about violence or psychosomatic responses. Proceed with caution, hug an animal/teddy bear, and breathe.

When God created us, God gave us reflexes, which are meant to protect us. If we’re driving on the road and a giant truck is speeding the wrong way toward us, we have every reason to respond in fear, since that truck could potentially kill us. In the face of dangerous situations, adrenaline rushes through our body and tells us to fight, flight, or freeze.

I love the reminder that “God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called.” However, I think we need to define what that looks like. God calls us to do impossible things with his strength, but he does not leave us empty handed. We may be unqualified when he calls us to a task, but when we actually do the task, he will have prepared us through trials and acts of faith. When we look at Scripture and the people who were used of God despite their fear, we see that God prepared them to conquer the giants in their way.

Due to his prejudice and the reputation that the Ninevites had, Jonah, despite being a prophet of God, did not want to speak judgment over those people. He ran in the exact opposite direction of where God was calling him. Nevertheless, God chased down Jonah and prepared him to follow his will. Jonah spent two days in the belly of a large fish, praying and seeking God. God used those trials to grow Jonah’s faith and to prepare him for the task of calling the Ninevites to repentance.

Moses was eighty years old when he got the call from God to lead the people out of Egypt. Although Moses was afraid, God had molded Moses’ life as a shepherd who was raised by Pharaoh’s daughter, so that Moses had influence to speak to Pharaoh and had wisdom to lead the Israelites.

Mary was a teenager when the angel Gabriel spoke to her and told her that she would give birth to the Messiah and then raise him to walk in the way of God. Her response? She was afraid! She was engaged to Joseph, who probably would be wondering how a baby got inside of her. Also, did I mention that she was a young teenager? Nevertheless, God had prepared her to hear the prophecy from Gabriel through her years of faith, and I am certain that God used the pregnancy to grow her faith to where she could raise the Messiah and give glory to God through His birth.

These people from the Bible, in addition to several others, were scared, but they were also prepared. When you’re faced with fear, it is important to take several steps. First, think about what actually makes you afraid. “What about flying on an airplane or confronting my boss or walking around my neighborhood scares me? What’s the worst that can happen?” You may get some healing from simply asking yourself that question, especially when your fears are irrational.

However, if you discover that your fear is legitimate (whether you’ve faced trauma that almost killed you, or the fear paralyzes you), you need to ask yourself, “Am I prepared to face my fear?” I personally have a fear of planes, but I love to travel. Once I buy a plane ticket, I research how long the flight will be, I think of fun activities to do while on the flight, I stock up on essential oils and natural calming products, and I pray. Even if I book a flight months in advance, I do all these things, because I obsess about my future safety.

If you’re afraid of getting attacked by a person with a weapon, unless you are an armed police officer who is trained in self-defense, you are not prepared to face your fear. If you’re afraid of skydiving but you want to jump without a parachute, you are not prepared to face your fear. Fears are healthy when our bodies know we are not prepared to deal with that dangerous situation. Before being a hero, be patient with yourself and go through the training you need to conquer your fears.

How can you use these steps to prepare yourself for the next time you face your fears?

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anxiety

Where Healing Begins

In 2010, Tenth Avenue released their album “The Light Meets the Dark,” featuring a list of songs that had gotten me through a rough season with anxiety in the summer of 2012. These are the lyrics of the chorus of the song “Healing Begins”:

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark

I believe that you come to where you’re broken when you are surrounded by a great community who can support you while you are dealing with your feelings.

Naturally, I am an introvert. I prefer to be by myself most of the time. While it is healthy for me to journal and process my feelings on my own, I learned early on in my faith that I needed to be around people who can help affirm my identity and remind me that I am bigger than my darkest moment.

I praise God for the many communities that He had provided for me throughout the years. At age 12, I accepted Christ at the church I now attend because of the non-judgy attitude of the youth group. In college, I had friends on campus that would understand me at my core, because they loved me and pursued me enough to reach into those depths and ask me deep questions. In the summer of my sophomore year, I relied heavily on my college-aged friends from back home when I was dealing with loneliness and depression. When I went to Spain, my culture shock immediately dissipated when I met the godly group of young adults and teens who volunteered to take me under their wing. Because I’d had such an easily accessible community at Nyack College, it was difficult for me at first to branch out and make new friends when I graduated. However, God shortly provided a co-worker that would eat lunch with me and challenge me to grow.

I’ve found that at this time in my life, I truly need intentional community. The other communities that I had been a part of were handed to me on a silver platter. However, now, while I spend most of my days alone, I need to intentionally make time to be around my friends and family. Thank God for the three groups that I have joined this summer, where I can let my hair down and let people love me for me. As I write this, I’m sitting in the house of one of my best friends while she does schoolwork. Yesterday, I visited my sister, and we spent the day together while I did laundry and edited my novel. My husband and I also plan regular date nights each week.

Marriage does not make loneliness disappear. I want to be vulnerable with you and say that sometimes I feel lonely. Having a husband and (eventually) a house full of kids does not replace the need for Christ-centered, consistent community.

Community is not just sitting around the table and breathing the same air. Community is laughing together, crying together, listening to each other, and breathing life into each other. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you realize the importance of being together for the purpose of encouragement, support, and sharing experiences. While seasons change, pursue the people that fill you up, and know that they will walk with you in the best and worst days of your life.

If you’re like me and community does not come naturally to you, I would encourage you to find people in church, a gym, or in your own home. There are a ton of people around you who desire community, who have thousands of friends on social media but who feel disconnected from others. True connection is having the courage to reach deep into the hearts of those you love and pull out the good, the bad, and the ugly. Often, the hard part is allowing them to do that to you as well. However, as you open up and risk, you will grow more and more comfortable over time.

Matthew 18:20 says that Jesus is in the midst of a group of two or three who gather in His name. The same God that sheds light on Scripture in your locked bedroom is present in your meetings with friends and family who want to lift you up.

Here are some questions to get you thinking about how to have godly community and experience the healing that God has for you:

Who can you ask to be your friend today?
How can you invest more in the friendships you already have?
What is keeping you from truly opening up to your friends and family?

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Categories
anxiety

So What?

Last week, we talked about dealing with our feelings. I am a firm believer that we should not hide our feelings, but we should acknowledge them and process through them. Recently, however, I learned an important lesson from a beloved mentor last year: It’s great to be honest about our emotions, but it’s not okay to stay there.

Let’s say that I’m mad at my friends for not inviting me to go out with them. Do I have a right to be angry? Yes. Am I overreacting? No. God gave me emotions for a reason, and the fact that my friends did not invite me reveals an insecurity in me, and/or a mean group of friends. So at this point, I’m honest with myself about my anger. I’ve given myself permission to feel that anger. I’m not beating myself up for “overreacting” or for “taking it the wrong way.”

Yet, after a while, I begin to realize that my lonely pity party has done no good for me. It hasn’t made my relationship with my friends any better. It may have revealed some truth about how I feel about myself and about my friends, but I generally still feel bad about myself. After processing my emotions, I have to ask myself the question, “So what?”

The question is not meant to negate my emotions. I still have a right to be angry. However, I need to ask myself “So what?” so that I know where to go from here. The “So what?” question helps me come up with a plan. I could either shake it off and explain away their behavior (maybe they tried calling me when I was taking a nap), or I could confront them about it. Both solutions are meant to accomplish the same goal: Building better relationships with those around me.

You have every right to be offended, sad, surprised, hurt, disappointed, and scared. You can have emotions so deep and painful that they keep you up at night and make it impossible for you to eat. However, these emotions can be a stumbling block to your life and to your relationships. You should acknowledge and deal with your feelings, but you should also ask yourself “So what?” (What am I going to do about these feelings?).

As a woman, I have certain times of the month where my emotions are a little more difficult to manage. This is where knowing myself comes into play. If I know my period is coming, and that irritability and mood swings are both symptoms that I experience during that time, I should probably take my emotions with a grain of salt then. If my husband does something that makes me upset, maybe I should let it go instead of picking a fight with him. Maybe I should go for a walk, or work out. If you get sensitive during your period or other events that may trigger certain emotions, be aware of those times and learn how to manage your feelings when those circumstances occur.

Some people are afraid to get angry at God. God wants your honesty, your brokenness, and your desires. He can handle your anger. However, the danger with getting angry at God is staying angry at God. Anger can give off the false sense of empowerment and control, as if we could control God or be more powerful than God. If you are angry at God, pray, and allow God to reveal why you are angry. After that, do not stay angry! Ask God to help you move on from there. God wants a relationship with you more than He wants you to have feelings. At the end of the day, your goal with your emotions is to use them to help you build better relationships with yourself, with God, and with others.

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Dealing with Your Feelings

Since anxiety is a feeling, I don’t like dealing with the negative emotions that surface in my heart. While God has given me the ability to feel anger, sadness, and fear, I don’t like to admit when I have those feelings. Little do I realize on a daily basis that my anxiety stems from the bottling up of my emotions, until that uncontrolled energy explodes out from within me in the form of a panic attack, an angered outrage, or isolation.

From childhood until the present day, I’ve enjoyed writing in my journal. It has always been a way for me to process my emotions without being judged, criticized, or punished. I would write about everything, from my daily activities to the things that made me angry, sad, afraid, happy, surprised, or excited. I looked forward, I dreamed, I looked back, and I remembered. If you want to really know me, better than I know myself sometimes, read my journals.

I didn’t realize how important it was for me to journal until I wasn’t able to do so a few years ago. When life gets busy, all of your priorities and hobbies get pushed to the side. I replaced the outpouring of my heart with the hardening of it as I would fight work anxiety, do my homework, or walk from class to class. If journaling wasn’t required for a few of my classes, I would have never journaled until I would graduate college. Then, what would it take for another obligation to fill that empty space again?

You see, when I got to college, I realized that my emotions were scary. I held on to a lot of bitterness and hurt from my childhood. I didn’t realize that my life wasn’t normal until I went off to college and met “normal” people, people from homes that were peaceful and encouraging. I didn’t want to talk about my feelings to anyone for fear of judgment. I couldn’t talk to my friends, because they couldn’t possibly understand. I couldn’t talk to my family, because I didn’t want to bring up old memories between us. I feared tension, I feared conflict, and so I did whatever it took to avoid the feelings of anger, sadness, and fear in my heart.

I would run from my emotions like I was an Olympic athlete competing in the 800m. Instead of facing my anger, I would fill my day with busy activities. Instead of dealing with my sadness, I would work out. Instead of dealing with my fear, I would isolate myself. As long as I kept the smile on my face, no one had to know the pain that I carried inside of me.

Jesus says in Matthew 15 that it is not what goes into you that is unclean (meaning food), but what comes out of you (meaning bitterness, hatred, and hypocrisy). Modern day psychologists have described humans as a filled cup. If the cup is filled with anger, that’s what is going to come out if it’s tipped. If the cup is filled with love and compassion, that’s what’s going to come out. Basically, what I’m trying to say is, I couldn’t hide from these feelings, even if I tried. Eventually, trials would come, and my raw emotion would be exposed.

My raw emotion did come out, through panic attacks. I wasn’t able to control myself around anyone. I was embarrassed, ashamed, and exposed when I knew I couldn’t hide anymore.

Eventually, I asked to see a counselor, and I reached out to some of my friends for support. Slowly, I learned how to journal again, and I learned how to ask for help from a healthy community. I still have feelings of anger, sadness, and fear, but I’ve learned to control them by remembering that they are indications and not dictations about my life.

Emotions may seem scary, but they don’t have to be. If you don’t learn how to control your emotions, your emotions will control you. Make time to rest and process how you are feeling these days. If you have been feeling extra anxious lately, take some time to journal and figure out why. When you read through the pages of your journal, after you’ve calmed down, you can have better insight into your emotions. You can also call up a friend or family member and ask if you can vent (ask first, though!). Making a daily habit out of journaling or talking to a trusted friend can help you better control your emotions, and take action when you need to make reconciliation with someone.

Photo by Joel Filipe on Unsplash