Tag: inspiration

Categories
anxiety

In Our Own Eyes

I’m working on my manuscript for my novel again, but thanks to the retreat I attended two weeks ago, I have some more direction. Here are some of the Bible verses that are inspiring me through this process. I will write more about my actual novel on Friday.

When I was a kid, my mom would tell me that the most intelligent people are typically the ones who would struggle with anxiety. Think about it: Intelligent people have thought of every possible situation and the probability of each situation happening (sort of like Dr. Strange in Infinity Wars). In a way, anxiety is a compliment, because that means you’re smart enough to know that bad things can happen to you.

In the Bible, Solomon was the wisest person who ever lived, and yet he realized that life in and of itself is meaningless. He wrote a whole book (Ecclesiastes) about how we should just enjoy life, because nothing we do will amount to anything. If that doesn’t cause you anxiety, I don’t know what will!

I think this is why God tells us not to be wise in our own eyes. God has a bigger plan that we can ever understand, even if we have all the wisdom in the world. When I think of trusting God instead of leaning on my own wisdom, I think of being engulfed in the arms of someone much bigger than me. I surrender in his strong, loving arms, knowing he’s got it, and that he can see beyond what I can.

Here are a couple of verses that have reminded me to lean on God’s wisdom and not my own:

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.” -Proverbs 3:5-8

“Woe to those who are wise in their own eyes
    and clever in their own sight.” -Isaiah 5:21

“For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.” -1 Corinthians 1:25

Being wise in our own eyes gets us into trouble. Even if we were the most intelligent people on Earth, able to think up every possible scenario of what could happen, we would not be wiser than God. God can see the big picture, all that once, in the scope of eternity.

Long story short: He knows.

If you are anxious today, seek God’s wisdom. His word is filled with wise sayings that can help you each day. If you’re worried about money, the Bible talks more about money than you could even believe! If you’re worried about what others think about you, there are verses that describe our identity in Christ and can infuse confidence into our very souls.

Are there any other verses that help you remember not to lean on human wisdom, but on God’s wisdom? I’d love to hear from you! Let me know in the comments which verses you would add to this list, or some practical ways that you can trust God despite your human judgment.

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

You Know What Happens When We Assume…

The other day, Lenny and I were driving home from a long day out together. I mumbled something about wanting to watch TV and go to bed, and he simply said, “Nope.” He told me he’d rather play video games. The nerve! He complained all day that he was tired, and now he wanted to stay up and play video games instead of going to bed?

In that moment, Lenny didn’t do anything wrong. I was in the wrong this time, because I didn’t clarify my expectations.

Over the summer, I participated in a program for leaders at our church. We followed a curriculum created by Pete & Geri Scazzero called Emotionally Healthy Relationships. They have taught me so much about relationships and marriage, I’ll probably be referring to them pretty often on this website.

My favorite topic from this workbook involved clarifying expectations. Unfortunately, I assume all the time, especially because my husband doesn’t speak that much. When he’s quiet, I assume he understands. Since we’ve been married a little longer now, I know his silence means he either doesn’t hear me, or he disagrees but doesn’t know how to tell me.

I was in the wrong when I assumed Lenny would want to cuddle with me instead of play video games because I didn’t clarify my expectations. I assumed he wanted to do the same, because cuddling helps me unwind, but he isn’t wired the same way. Video games help him unwind. While I had the itch to lay on the couch until I was ready for bed, he had the itch to play a couple of games. His itch is one I don’t understand, but if I don’t clarify my expectations, I can’t judge him for his behavior.

In Emotionally Healthy Relationships, the Scazzeros lay out several pointers to remember when clarifying expectations. I will use the example of how we spend the holidays. Not only are the holidays a cause for conflict in our household, but it is also a topic of debate among most newlywed couples.

Expectations should always be conscious. It is more important for us to be aware of our own expectations than for others to be aware of them. When it comes to the holidays, one of my expectations is, “It doesn’t matter where Lenny and I spend the holidays, as long as we are together.” Whatever drama ensues from our holiday plans, as long as we don’t split up (as in Lenny sees his family and I see mine), we’ve had a successful year. I am aware of that, and although I don’t need to share that expectation with everyone, now you know it.

Expectations should also be realistic. We tried splitting the holidays (going to my family in the morning and Lenny’s family in the evening), but it is way too stressful for us. Expecting us to see both sides of the family every single holiday is unrealistic for our situation. I can’t control everyone in my life, and they can’t control me. If I have expectations that involve controlling other people, I will be sorely disappointed when they physically, emotionally, or mentally cannot meet my needs.

Expectations should be spoken. Before the holiday season (conveniently during our anniversary), Lenny and I talk about how we are going to spend Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and Christmas. We discuss our expectations and form a plan. Then, we tell our parents our plans for the year. This prevents us from having conflicts with our families later, when they expected us to spend the holidays a certain way.

Finally, expectations should be agreed upon. This point is the one I have the most difficult time following. I am free to share my expectations with Lenny, but I rarely pause to make sure he’s on board with them. This was the issue we had when he wanted to play video games. I expected him to come to bed with me, but he didn’t agree. Now, when I clarify my expectations, I ask him, “Are you okay with that?” If he’s not, he makes an addendum, and we form an agreement.

Expectations are not wrong to have. As a matter of fact, they are innate and necessary for survival. If we can keep our expectations conscious, realistic, spoken, and agreed upon, we will have better communication and less conflicts with our loved ones.

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

The Beauty of Letting Go

Why do we have so many fights with our spouses? Why do we keep having the same arguments over and over again?

Because we don’t want to let it go.

I could stop right there. But I don’t want to let it go. I want to hold on to my anger, my hurt, my rightness. My husband can’t get away with saying something like that to me! After all the times I have been so nice to him, how could he speak that way to me?

Oh, right…I haven’t been very nice to him.

I thank God that He lets my sins go. As far as the east is from the west does he remove our sins from us (Psalm 103:12). Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross gave us grace, which means that God does not hold our sins against us anymore. Praise be to God!

Since God forgave me, why is it so difficult to forgive my husband?

We all have excuses about why we say the things we do. We don’t mean to hurt our loved ones, and yet the wrong words come out all the time. From a women’s perspective, I admit that I use more excuses than my husband because I tend to have more times of the month that I’m irritable. But finally, after nearly two years of marriage, I’ve learned to shut my mouth long enough to listen to my husband. He’ll tell me he had a long day of work, and then he’ll say something totally rude to me about an hour later. He’ll tell me that he didn’t get enough sleep last night, and then a few minutes later he’ll give me an attitude. No, he doesn’t usually come out and say, “Sorry, honey, I just had a long day at work and I’m having a hard time controlling my tongue” (because who actually says that when they’re so tired they can’t even make sense of reality?). But I’ve learned that his insults are out of character for him, so I can make an assumption that he’s probably just having an off day.

Although he doesn’t have the same excuses as me about why he’s irritable, he has every right to be tired, hungry, or upset. I can’t expect my husband to be happy all the time, even though he’s happy most of the time. When he’s not at his best, my response is to let it go.

Through devotionals and YouTube videos we’ve been watching online, we’ve learned the importance of letting go. When we hold on to grudges, they can actually put up a wall between us. We may have decided we will never separate, but even if we are together on paper, we can be separate emotionally. On a daily basis, we strive to remove any obstacle from between us so that we can thrive in our marriage and maintain our closeness.

It’s important to let it go. I want to be right, but I would rather be united with my husband, physically and emotionally, than right. Obviously, if the negative comments and insults become continuous, we would have to have a conversation about it. However, if I know he’s having a bad day and he hurts me, I can let it go.

I make it sound so easy. It’s only not easy because we have complicated it. We live in an age of entitlement, when everybody has a right to be right. We all want to be rewarded for our actions and opinions. I have a hard time letting to when I want to prove my husband wrong, but most of all, when I want to protect myself.

If you find yourself in this place, remember that the Lord is our defender. God is our strength and shield. You don’t need to prove yourself in order to be protected. When Jesus was about to be crucified, he had multiple opportunities to prove himself. He even said that he could call a legion of angels to save him (Matthew 26:53). However, he chose to trust in God. No matter what you face, big or small, it is not as big as what Jesus endured for us. We have nothing to prove; we can show love to those around us without having to protect ourselves.

Photo by Raul Varzar on Unsplash

Categories
Books

All the Feels of “Redeeming Love”

*WARNING: If you have PTSD due to sexual abuse, this post may be difficult for you to read. Proceed with caution.

If, for some reason, your emotions have been on the fritz, try reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers. It’s not like I have any trouble tapping into my emotions, but after reading this book, I’m pretty sure I’ve managed to feel every single emotion that the human heart could fathom.

Although this book was published in 1997, several people recommended this book to me because they know I’m writing Christian fiction. Each one of them told me it was a “good” book. Good? You all tricked me! It was exceptionally wonderful and altogether awful wrapped in five-hundred pages of an emotional roller coaster. But yeah, I guess you can describe that as “good.”

Some people did warn me that it was heavy, and I thank you for that. I just about lost my cookies on page 185.

Redeeming Love tells the story of Sarah, who was later named Angel when she was sold into prostitution at the age of eight. She finds herself in California during the California Gold Rush about ten years later, as the highest-prized prostitute in the Pair-a-Dice brothel. Through her experience dealing with customers and horrible bosses, she learns that she has no worth except what she could give to men, and that men want nothing from her except for her body. All that would change when Michael Hosea walks into her life and makes her his wife.

Without spoiling too much, the book is an example of the book of Hosea from the Bible. In that story, Hosea marries a prostitute as a means to show the people of Israel God’s love for them. When I look at Redeeming Love in that light, my heart breaks. It forces me to examine my own sin and pride, and remember how many times I have run from God and how many times I probably will still run from Him. I couldn’t help but think while reading this book that my heart is not any softer than Angel’s is.

The key in this book is the relentless love of Michael, who seeks in every moment to demonstrate God’s love to his wife. Even when she runs away, even when she commits the worst sins against him and exposes her past sins to him, he does not give up. When it is difficult for him, he turns to God and begs Him for help. His example of redeeming love helps to heal her soul. It is also obvious that God’s love is compelling him to love her, so that Angel could see the love of God and put her faith in Him.

Whenever I read a book, I like to think of my overall takeaway. So far, in the last month, two books from decades ago have made their way into my lap. Why am I reading A Handmaid’s Tale when it was written in the ’80s? Why am I reading Redeeming Love when it was written in the late ’90s? Well, I truly believe that God is challenging me to look at how much we have (or haven’t) progressed. In the ’80s, some people believed that they were one step away from a dystopia. Do we still feel that way, and if so, what can we do to change that?

Redeeming Love reminds me not to give up on those I love, even when they push me away, even when they do everything imaginable to make me angry. It also reminds me to continue to support and pray for ministries that are rescuing men, women, and children from prostitution around the world. I believe we have come a long way to show women their true worth, but I also believe that we have a long way to go. May God reveal His redeeming love to us, and help us to share that love with those around us. Amen.

Categories
anxiety

The Teacher is Here and is Looking for You

Waiting does not come easy for me.  Thoughts rush to my head about what could happen rather than what is currently happening at the moment. I think about all the different scenarios and try to get a plan based on where I think things are going.

Waiting prolongs the process. Waiting interrupts my rhythm. Waiting is not fun.

Jesus had a different perspective on waiting. The story of Lazarus (John 11) serves as a great reminder when I am suffering with anxiety caused by waiting for my plans to produce fruit. In the waiting process, God is growing my faith and redeeming the brokenness of my heart.

Jesus grew the faith of Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus had died.  He waited four days after Lazarus had died to come visit them. I’ve heard the reason for this is that the Jews believed a soul hovered over the body for three days before going to Sheol. So at this point, Mary and Martha believed that their brother was gone.

When Jesus casually strolls up to see Martha, her response is blunt and honest: “If you were here, my brother would not have died.” Although it looks like she’s reprimanding Jesus for not being at her side when her brother was sick, she is actually exercising great faith in that she knew He could have healed her brother. She also was honest with how she felt. She wasted no time with pleasantries as she expressed her sadness and anger at Jesus’ obvious delay in helping her brother. Jesus has a conversation with her that grows her faith, and as you’ll see later in the story, He ends up fulfilling the desires of her heart.

But lately, God taught me something special about this story, the beautiful news that is for me and for you. Martha went to find her sister. I noticed that Mary, the one who had sat at Jesus’ feet, the one who had chose “what was better,” did not meet Jesus when He came to visit. She was at home. Does that mean she had chores to do, that since Jesus had disappointed her that she wasn’t eager to sit at His feet? Does that mean that she was speaking to those who had come to give their condolences? We’re not completely sure, and I may be reading a lot into it, but she demonstrates a different attitude from how we had seen her earlier in the gospel of John, sitting at His feet and soaking up His words.

Mary is about to hear the news that could melt her heart of stone.

When Martha looked for her, she said: “The Teacher is here and is looking for you.” Jesus, the one who had taught Mary how to trust in God, was looking for her. He wanted her to sit at His feet again. Only this time, He would be teaching her through example.

Even when we are obedient to God, diligent to sit at His feet and learn from Him, He still may have a waiting period in His plan for us. In the midst of our waiting, God is right there with us. The one who teaches us is waiting for us to trust Him. The one who loves us is looking for us as we wander around, waiting for our next step. He is waiting for us to sit at His feet again. He is waiting to grow our faith. He is waiting to do the impossible in our lives.

As we all know, Jesus does the impossible for Martha and Mary. He brings back Lazarus from the dead. Despite their lack of faith, and despite the fact that Lazarus had been dead for several days, Jesus is able to perform this wonderful miracle.

What are you waiting for? Let me encourage you that nothing is out of God’s ability. Jesus, the teacher, the one who wants you to grow from this experience, is here, and he is looking for you. Put yourself in a position where He can find you. Sit at his feet, and listen to his teaching. It is only a matter of time before He will do the impossible in your life.

Photo by Stephen Blenman on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Travel is the Best Marriage Therapy

My husband and I just came back from a weekend in Ohio, just to meet my favorite band, For King and Country! Lenny knew that I’ve wanted to see them in concert since I started dating him, so we took time and money just to have this special weekend together. He found this concert and saw that the platinum package came with a meet and greet. When he asked if we could spend our vacation this year on this concert, my answer was a wholehearted yes!

As much as I tried to play it cool when I met them, my voice went up a few octaves once it was finally our turn in line. I was so excited, not just because they’re a great group, but also because they rarely come to New York, so we had to take the eight-hour drive just to get the chance to see them in concert. The concert itself was wonderful as well. They are a fun group, in addition to the other bands that were there.

Okay, maybe you didn’t catch it, so in case you didn’t, yes, we drove EIGHT HOURS to Ohio and then EIGHT HOURS back to Long Island. We were on the same road for about 450 miles, between three different states. On the long drive back home Sunday, staring at the fifteen trillionth patch of grass in Pennsylvania, I realized how much my love has grown for my husband through this vacation. I felt so close to him, not just because he helped me to accomplish my dream of seeing my favorite band, but because he was all I had on this trip.

Road trips do wonders for your love life.

There’s nothing wrong with our marriage, except that it’s new. As with anything in life, there is always room for improvement. A thriving marriage is one that grows more and more each day, so since we’ve only been married for about two years, it will only get better from this point on.

One way where I personally needed to grow was trust. There is no better way to build trust than to put yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to trust your spouse. Lenny and I drove down a road that had exits every 10 miles (which, for Long Islanders, is basically like saying you’re in the middle of nowhere). If we broke down on one of those streets, we would only have each other. We would have to survive together. I know that is a morbid thought, and probably a little overreacting, but when you have anxiety, these thoughts are pretty normal. You always want to have a back-up plan. You always want to have a way out of the situation in case the worst happens.

As we drove, I realized that I kind of liked being alone with Lenny. We were in the middle of nowhere and we were in unfamiliar territory, but we were together, and that made it special. I truly learned the meaning of “Home is where the heart is” through this time. It didn’t matter how long we were in the car together. We learned to conquer traffic, making our snacks last the whole trip, impatience over driving in Pennsylvania for hours, and waiting for rest stops to stretch our legs, together. Sorry, Pennsylvania, but you’re too big. I still love you, though!

Through knowing no one but Lenny, he became my familiar territory. While having one of the coolest experiences of my life, meeting my favorite band, I was able to share that unique and fun experience with my husband. And, of course, the only thing I said to them was that “This is Love” (one of their songs) was our first dance at our wedding. So if Joel and Luke only know one thing ever about me, it has to do with Lenny. We’re a team.

The long drive also taught us to, as the old cliche says, stop and smell the roses. Pennsylvania was very big, and it took us about six hours to drive through all of it, but it was beautiful. Between every “We’re still in Pennsylvania?” we added a “Wow, what a beautiful mountain range!” We danced to the radio and made fun of the silly town names we found along the way. We learned to take a normally mundane task (driving) and make it fun.

So, on a serious note, I highly recommend taking a long trip with your spouse. See what negative emotions arise as you’re confined to a small space together. Be quick to forgive when your spouse grows impatient from hunger, thirst, or fatigue. Be honest about how you feel, and practice thankfulness and positivity along the way.  After all, in marriage, you are on a journey together.

Photo by Octavio Fossatti on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Stop Shaming People with Anxiety

I read an article yesterday about Christians who struggle with anxiety. As I was reading it, one thought came to mind: anxiety is a shameful thing. Those of us who suffer with anxiety face a lot of shame when we act out of anxiety instead of rational thought.

I know what the Bible says about anxiety, what I’m supposed to do. But sorry to say it, sometimes my body does what my mind and soul know it shouldn’t. Didn’t Paul struggle with that in Romans 7? I’m not talking about sin. I’m talking about the fact that when I have a panic attack, I can’t move. I can’t trust. I can’t do anything.

I know I’ll be fine when I go on a plane. I graduated number 12 in my high school class, and I graduated with a 3.9 GPA in college. I’m not stupid. I don’t need statistical facts to get over my anxiety. No matter what I do in my mind, anxiety still comes. Every time I get on that plane, my muscles shake uncontrollably and I start to cry. I don’t need people telling me to stop crying and get over it. All I need in that moment is to be validated, and to feel safe.

From the time I was in high school until I was out of college (approximately 2010-2015), I couldn’t watch any movies that contained any form of sexual contact. Even kissing was out of the question. My friends would roll their eyes as I would hum and cover my face to avoid hearing or seeing anything. When I was alone, any time someone outside of marriage got physical, I would cry hysterically and turn off whatever I was watching. Although it looked like I was just judging premarital sex on the outside, on the inside, I was terrified. Only recently did I discover why I was so disgusted and horrified by people willingly or unwillingly giving up their virginity on the big screen, but at the time, I needed people to love me instead of judge me.

In a situation like that, it would be easy for anyone to shame me. “They’re just kissing, get over it.” “Why do you have to ruin the movie?” “Why can’t you just grow up?” “What are you so afraid of?” I’m thankful none of my friends actually said that, but it was what I was feeling. The voices in my head said it enough.

If you know people who suffer from anxiety, your job is not to fix them. Your job is not to point out the obvious and show them how wrong it is to have anxiety. Your job, if you have one at all, is to walk alongside them. Love them through the pain. Help them to see that they are not alone, because anxiety can truly make you feel like you’re alone.

Anxiety is irrational. Anyone with anxiety can tell you that. Every time I have a panic attack I get so angry at myself because I honestly should have seen it coming. The last thing I need is someone telling me that what I’m thinking makes sense. The worst thing about anxiety is that you know it’s irrational, you know it’s stupid, but your body does what your mind says not to do.

Paul talks about how foolish it was for new believers to think that food sacrificed to idols was unclean. There were people who couldn’t eat food sacrificed to false gods. Instead of condemning those people, Paul encourages the believers who didn’t have this problem to not be a stumbling block. People with a “weak conscience” in this passage were those who used to sacrifice food to idols before they became followers of Jesus. God was working on them, but for those who had already “possessed the knowledge” that God is the only true God and no other god exists, they were charged not to cause their brothers to stumble (1 Corinthians 8).

I believe the same is true for those who suffer from anxiety. Anxiety does not come from God, but it comes from circumstances of our past, before we knew God. While I do not believe anxiety is a sin, I believe that God can heal us from anxiety over time. Until then, we cannot shame people who still struggle with anxiety. If anything triggers anxiety in your friend, from talking on the phone to getting on an airplane, do not shame her. I’ve heard of people being afraid of buttons. Why? It doesn’t matter; my job is to love them. When someone is acting out of anxiety, do not give him statistical evidence. Do not tell her to get over it. Do not roll your eyes.

If you really care, then love your friend enough to help him, not to fix him.

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Check Out My Guest Blog on Inspire Your Marriage

Happy Labor Day to all my fellow workers! I have been blessed these past couple of weeks to have my articles featured on other blogs. This one is on a marriage blog. John Thomas interviewed me about some communication issues I was having with Lenny in the beginning of our marriage. Communication is an ongoing skill that we always have to improve. I thank God that we’ve gotten much better at it. I feel like we are on the same page, and we love each other more deeply through our understanding of each other. Check out Inspire Your Marriage for our story and for more marriage advice:

https://www.inspireyourmarriage.com/2018/08/27/life-example-conflict-in-marriage-by-talking-too-soon/

It’s always nice hearing another perspective on marriage. Tune in next week for more content of how God is working in my marriage with Lenny. Have a great day!

Categories
anxiety

Afraid of Success

In the beginning of the summer, I started my career as a freelance writer and editor. I didn’t sign a contract, nor did I get any sort of salary or benefits. My husband and I made the decision to start my business up from the ground.

Over these last couple of months, I’ve had plenty of doubts. What if my book never gets published? What if no one ever gives me business? What if people hear my pitch, see my passion, and still reject me? What if I never make another dime in my life?

As Sophie writes in Letters to Juliet: “‘What’ and ‘If’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What… if? What, if? What if…?”

To be honest with you, I’m not pursuing this career path for the money. I’m doing this because I love to write, and you can’t put a price tag on what you love. On a laborious commute home about a year ago, I heard a sermon from Craig Groeschel, during his series “Divine Direction.” His intro wasn’t related to his sermon (it was more of an announcement), but what he said stuck with me. He asked the congregation if they would be willing to keep their current jobs if they were guaranteed $10,000 more. Then he asked if they were guaranteed $20,000, then $100,000, then $1 million. Some people would violently nod their heads in agreement, but to me, the money isn’t worth it if you don’t like what you do. Time is also a valuable resource, and if you spend 40+ hours a week doing something you don’t like (in addition to the hours you spend thinking and talking about your job), you’re wasting your time. I thank God for the opportunity to do what I love, without looking at my salary.

Although my fear of failure is slowly dissipating, these last couple of weeks, I’ve realized that I have a fear even deeper than my fear of failure. I have a fear of success.

I’ve dreamed of staying at home as a writer since I was six years old, before I even knew it was possible. All I knew was that I loved sitting on my computer all day and typing stories. I loved to write, and as God came into my life and changed my heart, I started to love encouraging the hopeless with my writing as well. Given all the enemy threw at me to make me unsuccessful, here I am, in the battle arena, waiting to mount onto the victor’s pedestal.

What if all the hopes and dreams that I’ve wanted to see come to fruition, aren’t as great as I think they’re going to be?

Despite what Shia LaBeouf may say, it often is better for your dreams to be dreams. Dreams can be whatever you want them to be, with no interruptions. Once your dream is voiced, it suddenly clashes with reality, and now you have to deal with the rubber meeting the road, the flying car crashing onto the paved road on the ground.

That is the same for my writing. My dream is to be a published author with tons of books, traveling and spreading hope to my adoring readers, for the glory of God. I want to make a living as a writer. I totally believe that’s possible, but what if it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be? What if my dream isn’t as beautiful and wonderful as I had always hoped?

The joy in this message is that our success is never going to be as satisfying as we expect. God has given us a passion for Him and for His kingdom, for Heaven. While we can enjoy a taste of the blessings He has for us in the next life, nothing on Earth is ever going to satisfy us apart from God. All we can do is work as hard as we can for God, and to pursue the dreams that He has birthed in us. Through prayer and wise counsel, you can find that dream job, and you can be successful, no matter what you do. And you don’t have to be afraid of success or failure.

Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

My Husband, My Accountability Partner

This week, my husband further helped me to be the person that God wants me to be. God has gifted my husband to see things about myself that I could not even if I looked in my bathroom mirror (that lighting exposes everything!). After a little over three years (of being together), my husband can already see my limits and knows how far he could push me beyond them.

I didn’t want to have my first panic attack in front of Lenny until we had been engaged. At least. But how long was that honestly supposed to last? Really? I had my first panic attack in front of him the week after we made it official. I lasted one week without having a panic attack. Looking back, that’s pretty impressive, but that panic attack definitely wasn’t the classy lady that my boyfriend (at the time) expected me to be. God has shown me that He did not allow me to hide my anxiety from Lenny because He wanted to use Lenny to help me find healing. There is healing in community, when we bring our brokenness to one another and allow them to pray for us and meet our needs. Lenny started doing that for me after a week of dating.

As we’ve gotten to know each other and have shared our hearts with one another, we’ve both pushed each other to be more of who God wants us to be. I’ve gotten to see the culmination of our accountability through this week. Our week started with Lenny encouraging me in my career, which led me to apply for a handful of freelance jobs and to write a couple of prompts on a website I’ve joined. Our week ended with Lenny comforting me on line for a water slide.

I hate waiting on stairs. I was totally fine while we waited on the ground, but once we got to the very middle of the stairs, I couldn’t breathe. I begged Lenny to take me off the line, but I knew he wasn’t going to do that. I could tell he was frustrated with me because I picked the worst time to have a panic attack. I don’t blame him. Although he’s great at calming me down, he’s still human. He was hot, thirsty, and impatient after baking in the sun waiting for a five-second ride. He was not about to hop off the line, so he calmed me down and helped me survive the rest of the trip up the stairs. (Spoiler alert: We made it!)

I’m speaking from my own experience, but I also help Lenny accomplish his goals. Over the years, I’ve encouraged Lenny to apply for his first job, walk for college graduation, and stand up for himself. He has told me on more than one occasion that he would not be who he is today without me.

We not only hold each other accountable as individuals, but also as a couple. We read the Bible together and pray that God would keep us united. The other night, we wrote down our goals we’d like to accomplish as a couple. We attend church together every week, and we attend a small group together during the school year. At our wedding, our pastor had told us that it is impossible for us to be apart when both of our eyes are fixed on Christ. When we have the same goal, to honor God in our marriage, that goal will draw us closer together.

Your spouse is your life partner, your life coach, your accountability partner. While your spouse shouldn’t be your only accountability partner, what better person to have help you grow than the one who knows what your morning breath smells like? Lenny knows pretty much everything about me, even things I don’t know about myself, and as we discover new things together, we learn how to deal with them in time.

Your marriage should improve you and your spouse as individuals and as a couple. If it does not, maybe you can have a conversation about what’s working and what’s not. Start by creating some goals that you would like to accomplish in your individual lives as well as in your marriage. Here are some prompts to get you thinking:
-Where do you see yourself (and your family) in 5 years?
-What would your dream job be, and is it something you want to strive to get?
-What are you going to do to improve your marriage on a regular basis? (eg, date night, joining a small group, praying in the morning, etc.)
-If you don’t have children, when do you want to start a family, and how many kids do you want?
-If you have children, what goals do you have in raising them?

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