Tag: Jesus

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anxiety

Choose Your Battles

Since I’ve had to go through some tough love recently, I have some tough love for you, friend:

If you can’t control your anxiety, your anxiety will control you.

In 2014, a dear friend of mine prayed for me and encouraged me with this word: You’re stronger than you think. I have never forgotten that, because it was something I didn’t believe. I think that I’m weak because I have anxiety. But that’s a lie. Anxiety does not have power over me. I am stronger than my fear by the grace of God.

When facing my fears, I choose my battles. There are some fights I’m not willing to engage in, where I let anxiety be my excuse, but there are some fights where I take out my biggest weapon and attack it head-on.

One of those fears is being on stage, being the center of attention. My best friend just got married this weekend. I was so incredibly happy for her, and I was blessed to be one of her bridesmaids. However, I couldn’t shake the fear of standing on the steps at the front of the church, where anyone could be looking at me. Leading up to the wedding, I realized that this fear was totally selfish. This was my friend’s day, not mine. Not a single eye was looking at me during the ceremony, and that’s the way it should be. Instead of letting the fear stop me from enjoying the ceremony, I filled my mind with the reminder that I was doing this for her, and for her and her husband’s commitment to God. By standing up there, I wasn’t just facing my fear; I was displaying to her and to everyone else that I supported her union to her husband and that I believed that God is at the center of their marriage. That is something worth fighting for.

Another one of those fears is flying. My fear if flying is debilitating. Most people get scared going through security, but I’m scared once the cabin door is shut and we have no way out until we land on the other side (even just writing that made it difficult to breathe!). On the flight, I shake uncontrollably, my muscles tense up, and I usually end up crying. Like, ugly crying. However, I love to travel. I want to see the world with my husband and my family. My husband’s family also lives in another state, and we have to fly to see them. When my grandfather was alive, he made a vow that he would never fly because it scared him too much. I cannot and will not do that. So I do whatever it takes to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepare myself for the flight. I remind myself that whatever is waiting on the other side of the plane is worth the panic attacks.

Some anxiety is not worth fighting. I don’t go on roller coasters because the five seconds of thrill I’d feel conquering my fear is not worth day-long stress I would feel leading up to the experience. I don’t go on high ropes courses or go bungee jumping or sky diving because I’m afraid of heights; I have given up on the desire to add those things to my bucket list.

When you’re panicking, ask yourself: If I fight my fear, will it be worth it? My criterion for choosing my battle is: Will conquering my fear help me and my loved ones? Choosing to fight against my fear of being on stage helped me to celebrate with my friend and to show my support for her. Choosing to fight against my fear of flying helps me to enjoy God’s creation and to spend time with my loved ones. Although it may take time to fully overcome my fear, chopping away at the wall of fear a little bit at a time will eventually make the wall crumble.

You are indeed stronger than you think. God has great plans for you, and He will give you strength to fight each battle that comes your way. Today, try to conquer fear a little bit at a time. If you need help, reach out to a friend. I’m always here if you need prayer or encouragement!

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” -2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Photo by Henry Hustava on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Write Down to Calm Down

It’s no coincidence that I have anxiety and I love to write. When I’m anxious, I could spend hours writing in my journal, processing my thoughts, making sense of the world around me. I can articulate my emotions and better communicate them to people when I write. As a result, I’m able to maintain my anxiety. I’ve noticed that when I don’t make time to journal, I’m more restless and I’m not as in tune with my emotions.

Truthfully, I haven’t journaled in the past couple of days, so I’m finding it hard to sit still as I’m typing this. My mind is also swimming with ideas to a point where I don’t know what’s going on up there. So maybe this advice is just as important for me in this moment as it is for you.

Make Time to Write
The #1 response I hear to why people don’t journal is, “I don’t have time.” The truth is: We don’t have time for everything. Life is busy, but I believe it’s because we want to be at all places at all times, but we can’t. God gave us twenty-four hours in a day, no more and no less. If journaling is something you want to try, you should make it a priority to carve any amount of time out for your day.

Think about the things that consume your time. You say you don’t have time, but you unwind by watching Netflix or scrolling any one of your social media sites. You make time to spectate other people’s lives, and yet you don’t make time to process your own. If you want a better life, make time to assess where you are now and make measurable goals of where you want to be later. Journaling is the perfect first step for that.

Face Your Fear of Yourself
Before I had a dishwasher, I used to dread washing the dishes. Days would go by and my dishes would pile up. At the end of the week, I wouldn’t want to know what disgusting crusts and smells would arise when I would finally turn on the hot water and start rinsing off my old plates. Although the process was nauseating and painful (I would often burn my hands in the hot water), I would get through washing the dishes and would have sparkling clean dishes.

Similarly, I don’t want to journal when I know I’ll be confronted with my depression or anxiety. I have this fear that I’ll process my feelings for hours only to find out that I’m overreacting and that, overall, I’m a mess. I’m comforted by the fact that God doesn’t look at me that way. God does not despise my broken and contrite heart. He accepts me with my mess, and He helps me sort through the murky waters of my emotions.

If you are afraid of what you will find when you journal, start by affirming yourself with Scripture. God has a lot of great things to say about you in His word. Psalm 139 has been my anthem lately as I’ve struggled with truly feeling beautiful in God’s eyes. God had me in mind before I was even born, and He crafted me to beautifully reflect His glory. Knowing this, I feel less disgusting as I search the depths of my heart.

Journaling Prompts
Pinterest has plenty of prompts to help you start your journaling journey. I’ve taken a few and created my own list. Keep in mind that I assume you’re journaling in the morning when you first wake up, because that’s when I normally do so. If you journal at night before bed, replace “yesterday” with “today,” and “today” with “tomorrow.” Let me know which prompt resonated most with you, and which one you want to try! I think I’m going to try a few of these!

  1. Where did you see God show up in your life yesterday? How are you expecting Him to meet you today?
  2. What success happened yesterday that you would want to achieve again today?
  3. What makes you feel most loved? When was that need met/not met recently?
  4. If you knew God would give you whatever you requested, what would you pray? (Forget what you’re not “allowed” to pray for, like a million dollars or for your ex-boyfriend to break up with his girlfriend. This is your journal, and if the desire of your heart is to win a million dollars or to see your ex-boyfriend suffer, God wants you to be honest with Him. I’m not saying He’ll answer your prayer, but He will give you clarity in how to align your desires with His will).
  5. Write a letter to your past self (at any age, or at a point during a traumatic experience in your life).

Your turn:
-If you’ve never tried journaling, what is stopping you from trying? Is it intimidating or boring?
-What prompts would you try from this list?
-What prompts would you add?

Photo by Lonely Planet on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Love Always Endures

Today, I tried out the cycle class at the gym with my mom. The gym we go to offers the cycle class at least once every two hours, so I figured it was important enough to give it a try. It seemed like I was the only newbie, as everyone knew how to work the bike (read: get on the bike) besides me!

Once the music started and they turned the lights off, we started to pedal. The bikes lit up different colors based on how fast we were going and how much resistance we were using. Throughout the class, the instructor helped us to build endurance. It wasn’t necessarily about pedaling the fastest or using more resistance. Rather, it was about doing our best, keeping our eyes focused on our own progress, and pushing through to the end. Endurance in cycle class means not getting off the bike.

It was difficult not to accept defeat and go sit in a freezer somewhere. I knew it would be a 45-minute class, so my stomach churned each time I looked at the clock at only saw two minutes pass. With each panting breath, with each wave of nausea, with each bead of sweat protruding out of my pores, I wanted to stop. However, I knew it was my first time, so discomfort would be part of the process. Instead of killing it in the red zone like my neighbors, I coasted comfortably in the yellow zone, knowing one day I could make it to the red if I don’t give up.

The Greek word for endures is similar to this concept in 1 Corinthians 13:7. It means to remain under the load, to bear up. The Biblical definition of endurance is fighting through the pain until it’s finished. For those of us that work out, we know that fighting through the pain only makes us stronger.

The endurance I maintained on the stationary bike today was a reminder of the personal endurance I’m trying to maintain on a daily basis. I’m trying to eat healthier and grow my muscles. I’ve made a practice of writing down what I eat and what exercises I do each day to track my progress. But the endurance doesn’t come when it’s easy; no, endurance comes when the cravings kick in, when I don’t feel like going to the gym, when I’m too tired, when I’m out with my friends and they all want to get ice cream. With pain comes endurance. Endurance is built in the hard times.

My husband and I both have personal goals. In addition to getting into shape, I am working on my novel and starting up a writing and editing career. My husband has been working extra hours and driving an hour and a half commute each morning! Life is not a walk in the park right now; it’s work! But we trust that these personal struggles are making us stronger.

We also have goals as a married couple. We’re saving money for a house, working on our communication, and growing closer as a couple. It’s a strain to hold off on things we want because we want to stick to our budget. It’s not easy to go against our habits that we formed as singles to make our marriage work. However, the pain that we endure from these experiences only make us stronger.

In the Bible, we are called to bear one another’s burdens. Life is hard, but it is easier together. Work together with your spouse to help you accomplish your goals. Ultimately, God is the one who will give you strength to endure all of the hardships that we will face in this life.

Photo by Andhika Soreng on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Where is Hope Found?

In modern English, hope has become an empty word. For example, when one says, “I hope everything works out,” there is no substance behind those words. The hope is not based on facts, circumstances, or even prayers! Therefore, when Paul says Love always hopes, what does he mean?

I love learning other languages, so I’m thankful for the resources out there that can make Greek and Hebrew (the languages the Bible was originally written in) easy to understand! In Greek, the word hope is elpizó, which means “actively waiting for God’s fulfillment about the faith He has inbirted through the power of His love.” In this meaning, the hope has substance. Love always active waits for God to fulfill his promises.

We live in a culture that is generally negative. People always have a reason to complain, and they take every chance they can to voice their critical opinions to us. Hope is a rare commodity.

However, Biblical hope has even more substance than the positivity that we crave in our world. In Romans 8, Paul talks about Biblical hope. The same word elpizó is used in this text to describe our expectation of God fulfilling His promise to redeem the world:

“We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption to sonship, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently” (Romans 8:22-24).

This entire chapter of Scripture has been viewed as a champion chapter for believers. We know through Romans 8 that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (v. 1). We know that God has adopted us as His children, removing our fear of man (v. 15). We know that God’s Spirit testifies with our spirit that we are children of God (v. 16). We know that we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us (v. 37). We know that nothing can separate us from God’s love (v. 38-39).

If this doesn’t instill hope in believers, I don’t know what does!

Although this was a fun Bible lesson, this post is on marriage. How can we hope in marriage? In my opinion, when we have a heavenly perspective, nothing else matters. When we know that we already have the best future waiting for us in the next life, when we know that we can live fulfilled lives by walking with God’s Spirit and obeying His Word, when we know that we will all be united as one body at the resurrection, suddenly my problems don’t seem so big anymore. Suddenly, I don’t care about how much money  we have in the bank or in our retirement. Suddenly, I don’t care that my husband leaves his dirty dishes in the sink. Suddenly, I don’t care that I’ve been having trouble losing weight. Because in the end, everything will work out, in the most beautiful and glorious way that any of us could ever hope.

I know a few of my readers have experiences way worse than the ones I’ve mentioned, like trying to conceive or facing bankruptcy or dealing with affairs. I don’t want you to think that I’m downplaying your trials. However, I do believe more than anything else that God is bigger than any trial you may be facing. At the end of the day, when you place your life in His tender loving care, He will see you through your storm. Right now, I know, the pain is unbearable and the storms make everything so unclear. Yet, when you look back on your life, those difficult trials that you face together (Paul describes them as momentary afflictions in 2 Corinthians 4:17-18) will be like a bad hair day.

The hope that Christ offers us is an anchor for our souls (Hebrews 6:19). Anchor your marriage in the hope of Jesus Christ, and He will see you through every storm.

Photo by Johannes Plenio on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Divorce (in Friendships) is Not an Option

My husband and I have a rule: divorce is not an option. We don’t joke about it, we don’t have it in our back pocket as a last resort, we don’t use the word at all. This makes it, admittedly, challenging to live together, because I can’t walk away from him. I can’t move in with my parents when we have a fight. I can’t even sleep on the couch! Since we’ve decided there’s no way out of our marriage, we’ve had to turn in and deal with our problems instead of running from them.

I wonder what it would be like if we treated our friendships like that, too.

As I confessed last week, it is tempting for me to cut people off. I have agoraphobia, which is the fear of being stuck. Even if I know I’ll never leave, or that the situation won’t be harmful for me, I like to know that I have an option to leave if need be. To be honest, marriage was very scary for me in the beginning because I couldn’t try to escape. However, with friends, it’s easy to leave if I don’t want to deal with conflict. I simply don’t return their texts and stop making eye contact with them in social settings.

That is not the way that God intended us to have friendships.

In Romans 12:18, Paul writes: “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” The writer of Hebrews also echoes this thought: “Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord” (12:14). What if we took this admonishment from the Bible to the extreme? What if we acted like we were stuck in a room with our friends and we had to resolve our conflicts instead of run away from them? How honest would we be with each other? What would we say? What secret sins that we’re hiding would be exposed? You see, there is healing in confession, and there is healing in conflict resolution.

As a result of last week’s post, I had a few people ask me, “How do I know if I should cut someone off?” My answer to that is, do everything in your power to keep the peace between you and that person. If you want to cut someone off, at least talk to him/her first. Make it clear why you are unhappy with the friendship, and see if there is any way you could work it out together. We make fun of people who break up with their significant others over text or “ghost” their significant others, but we think it’s totally normal to do that to our friends. I would only cut off the friendship if A) the friend has made it very clear he/she wants to end the friendship (by saying “I want to end the friendship”), despite your efforts, or B) the friend has abusive behavior that makes you uncomfortable, such as inappropriate touching, pressure to abuse substances, codependency, etc.

If you feel like you’re being abused and you’re not sure whether to confront the person or run away, seek out wise counsel. Abuse is a tricky subject, because you can think someone looking at you funny is abuse, but you can also think someone beating you to a pulp is not abuse. That’s why I recommend seeking wise counsel as soon as possible.

If you bring another person into the situation, be careful to express your feelings and not gossip. It’s tempting to use that opportunity to talk badly about someone that has hurt you. If you are a friend that wants to help, listen empathetically and remain as neutral as possible.

Since I can’t run from my husband, I’ve grown in ways I would have never done so on my own. I’m learning how to lay down my pride, admit my mistakes, ask for forgiveness, and extend forgiveness. Whether you are married or single, you can apply this same principle to your friendships. Lean into the relationship instead of running away. Practice the tips we discussed last week about how to deal with conflict. Learn from the experience, and trust God to reveal to you where you need to grow. And of course, as much as it depends on you, live at peace with one another.

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Categories
Marriage

Love is a Safe Place

Love always protects.

Growing up, I always wanted someone to protect me. Sexual abuse is scattered around our family tree, and although it thankfully has never happened to me, it was something I feared was always right around the corner. I used to have nightmares that someone would climb in through my window and sneak into my room in the middle of the night. I dreamed of the day when I would have a husband to protect me, when I could snuggle him close in the middle of the night, knowing that no bad guy could break through those strong arms.

When I hugged my husband for the first time, listening to his heart beat out of his chest and into my cheek, I knew that I was safe in those arms. His heart was set on protecting me even before we dated. He wanted me for himself, and he wanted me to pursue my greatest dreams. Those dreams began with feeling connected, and feeling protected.

The word used in 1 Corinthians 13:7 paints a beautiful picture of a roof protecting the house from rain. Honestly, tears come to my eyes as I think of how the love in our marriage has protected us from all of life’s storms. Although we’ve only been married for 19 months, we have been through a lot together. From the death of family members to medical issues, from financial strain to work drama, we have covered each other and have built each other up through love. Whatever storms we’ve faced together, the love that we share has kept our faith from wavering, our hearts from breaking, and our souls from wandering.

Love is what covers us when the storms of life threaten to ruin us.

“He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.”
-Psalm 91:4-6 (NIV)

My favorite word picture of God is of an eagle, protecting us with His feathers. He loves us so much that He wants us to be secure. That’s doesn’t mean that we will have a problem-free life, but it means that when the storms come, we have an anchor that will keep us steady through those difficult times. Those who know Christ are completely and totally hidden with Him (see Colossians 3:3). We are protected by His care.

Since we live in an apartment complex, we hear noises all the time at night. The noise from our neighbors is so loud that we sometimes think that they are in the next room. Every night before bed, we pray, and then we sleep soundly. I know that my husband protects me with his love that does not want me to get hurt, and I know that God protects us with his infinite love that knows what is best for us.

Love always protects.

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Categories
anxiety

Don’t Be Afraid, but Prepare Yourself

Warning, there may be triggers in this post for people who do not like reading about violence or psychosomatic responses. Proceed with caution, hug an animal/teddy bear, and breathe.

When God created us, God gave us reflexes, which are meant to protect us. If we’re driving on the road and a giant truck is speeding the wrong way toward us, we have every reason to respond in fear, since that truck could potentially kill us. In the face of dangerous situations, adrenaline rushes through our body and tells us to fight, flight, or freeze.

I love the reminder that “God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called.” However, I think we need to define what that looks like. God calls us to do impossible things with his strength, but he does not leave us empty handed. We may be unqualified when he calls us to a task, but when we actually do the task, he will have prepared us through trials and acts of faith. When we look at Scripture and the people who were used of God despite their fear, we see that God prepared them to conquer the giants in their way.

Due to his prejudice and the reputation that the Ninevites had, Jonah, despite being a prophet of God, did not want to speak judgment over those people. He ran in the exact opposite direction of where God was calling him. Nevertheless, God chased down Jonah and prepared him to follow his will. Jonah spent two days in the belly of a large fish, praying and seeking God. God used those trials to grow Jonah’s faith and to prepare him for the task of calling the Ninevites to repentance.

Moses was eighty years old when he got the call from God to lead the people out of Egypt. Although Moses was afraid, God had molded Moses’ life as a shepherd who was raised by Pharaoh’s daughter, so that Moses had influence to speak to Pharaoh and had wisdom to lead the Israelites.

Mary was a teenager when the angel Gabriel spoke to her and told her that she would give birth to the Messiah and then raise him to walk in the way of God. Her response? She was afraid! She was engaged to Joseph, who probably would be wondering how a baby got inside of her. Also, did I mention that she was a young teenager? Nevertheless, God had prepared her to hear the prophecy from Gabriel through her years of faith, and I am certain that God used the pregnancy to grow her faith to where she could raise the Messiah and give glory to God through His birth.

These people from the Bible, in addition to several others, were scared, but they were also prepared. When you’re faced with fear, it is important to take several steps. First, think about what actually makes you afraid. “What about flying on an airplane or confronting my boss or walking around my neighborhood scares me? What’s the worst that can happen?” You may get some healing from simply asking yourself that question, especially when your fears are irrational.

However, if you discover that your fear is legitimate (whether you’ve faced trauma that almost killed you, or the fear paralyzes you), you need to ask yourself, “Am I prepared to face my fear?” I personally have a fear of planes, but I love to travel. Once I buy a plane ticket, I research how long the flight will be, I think of fun activities to do while on the flight, I stock up on essential oils and natural calming products, and I pray. Even if I book a flight months in advance, I do all these things, because I obsess about my future safety.

If you’re afraid of getting attacked by a person with a weapon, unless you are an armed police officer who is trained in self-defense, you are not prepared to face your fear. If you’re afraid of skydiving but you want to jump without a parachute, you are not prepared to face your fear. Fears are healthy when our bodies know we are not prepared to deal with that dangerous situation. Before being a hero, be patient with yourself and go through the training you need to conquer your fears.

How can you use these steps to prepare yourself for the next time you face your fears?

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Categories
Marriage

Do You Delight in Evil?

Some may think that delighting in evil is simply taking pleasure when they see their enemies get what they deserve. That would be justice. However, when we walk in the way of love, we are called to take up God’s definition of justice. Did God treat us the way that we deserved? As Romans 5:8 demonstrates, Christ died for us when we did not deserve to be rescued. God’s justice, although it doesn’t make sense to us, is what has saved us. That justice should guide us through our lives as we deal with other people, especially our spouses.

Paul warns us against “delighting in evil.” He uses the Greek word adikia, which properly means “the opposite of justice.” Although injustice runs rampant in our culture, and it’s important to fight against that injustice, Christians should be concerned about the justice of God, doing things His way. Delighting in evil is the opposite of rejoicing with the truth (see Romans 1:18). If unrighteousness (adikia) and righteousness (dikaios) were to have a soccer tournament live on television, we should be rooting for dikaios.

I love words, but what do those words mean in plain English? What does this idea of rooting for righteousness look like in marriage?

My dear friend encouraged me in this season to pick one verse that would bring me through this difficult season of stepping out in faith and trusting God. During this time, my husband and I have treasured Jesus’ promise from the Sermon on the Mount: “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). Righteousness should be our priority, not just in our marriage, but in every aspect of our lives. The context of this passage is that Jesus encourages His disciples not to worry about any necessity. God will supply everything that we need, if we put our focus on Him first. We rejoice knowing that God is in control, because there is no way we could do what we are doing without His strength and guidance in our lives.

It is easy to delight in evil on a daily basis, from YouTube videos that are insulting but funny (so you have to share it on Facebook), to spending quality time gossiping with your best friend about that co-worker you can’t stand. We have been deceived into believing that connecting with people is more important than godliness. Nobody’s perfect, but if God isn’t first in our lives, we can create a community in the name of godliness that looks nothing like how God intended community to be.

“Anyone who isn’t with me opposes me, and anyone who isn’t working with me is actually working against me” (Matthew 12:30, NLT). Jesus uses these words to justify why he is not of Satan, because he drives out demons. He makes a clear divide between God and Satan, between good and evil, between righteousness and unrighteousness.

Whose side are you on? Would your answer be reflected in what gives you pleasure?

As Christians, we should rejoice with the truth, the righteousness of God. We know this truth by allowing ourselves to be sanctified by God’s word (John 17:17). We know this truth by walking with Jesus, the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). When we make a daily habit of reading God’s word and allowing Jesus to guide our steps, we can trust the Holy Spirit to guide us into all truth (John 16:13).

In your marriage, take time to pray with each other, read Scripture together, and invite the Holy Spirit to lead you as a couple. As you interact with each other, God will lead you to make wise choices and to stay away from things that are unrighteous.

“Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.”-Micah 7:18

God delights in showing mercy to His people. That is what His justice looks like. In what is your delight?

Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Where Healing Begins

In 2010, Tenth Avenue released their album “The Light Meets the Dark,” featuring a list of songs that had gotten me through a rough season with anxiety in the summer of 2012. These are the lyrics of the chorus of the song “Healing Begins”:

This is where the healing begins
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you’re broken within
The light meets the dark

I believe that you come to where you’re broken when you are surrounded by a great community who can support you while you are dealing with your feelings.

Naturally, I am an introvert. I prefer to be by myself most of the time. While it is healthy for me to journal and process my feelings on my own, I learned early on in my faith that I needed to be around people who can help affirm my identity and remind me that I am bigger than my darkest moment.

I praise God for the many communities that He had provided for me throughout the years. At age 12, I accepted Christ at the church I now attend because of the non-judgy attitude of the youth group. In college, I had friends on campus that would understand me at my core, because they loved me and pursued me enough to reach into those depths and ask me deep questions. In the summer of my sophomore year, I relied heavily on my college-aged friends from back home when I was dealing with loneliness and depression. When I went to Spain, my culture shock immediately dissipated when I met the godly group of young adults and teens who volunteered to take me under their wing. Because I’d had such an easily accessible community at Nyack College, it was difficult for me at first to branch out and make new friends when I graduated. However, God shortly provided a co-worker that would eat lunch with me and challenge me to grow.

I’ve found that at this time in my life, I truly need intentional community. The other communities that I had been a part of were handed to me on a silver platter. However, now, while I spend most of my days alone, I need to intentionally make time to be around my friends and family. Thank God for the three groups that I have joined this summer, where I can let my hair down and let people love me for me. As I write this, I’m sitting in the house of one of my best friends while she does schoolwork. Yesterday, I visited my sister, and we spent the day together while I did laundry and edited my novel. My husband and I also plan regular date nights each week.

Marriage does not make loneliness disappear. I want to be vulnerable with you and say that sometimes I feel lonely. Having a husband and (eventually) a house full of kids does not replace the need for Christ-centered, consistent community.

Community is not just sitting around the table and breathing the same air. Community is laughing together, crying together, listening to each other, and breathing life into each other. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as you realize the importance of being together for the purpose of encouragement, support, and sharing experiences. While seasons change, pursue the people that fill you up, and know that they will walk with you in the best and worst days of your life.

If you’re like me and community does not come naturally to you, I would encourage you to find people in church, a gym, or in your own home. There are a ton of people around you who desire community, who have thousands of friends on social media but who feel disconnected from others. True connection is having the courage to reach deep into the hearts of those you love and pull out the good, the bad, and the ugly. Often, the hard part is allowing them to do that to you as well. However, as you open up and risk, you will grow more and more comfortable over time.

Matthew 18:20 says that Jesus is in the midst of a group of two or three who gather in His name. The same God that sheds light on Scripture in your locked bedroom is present in your meetings with friends and family who want to lift you up.

Here are some questions to get you thinking about how to have godly community and experience the healing that God has for you:

Who can you ask to be your friend today?
How can you invest more in the friendships you already have?
What is keeping you from truly opening up to your friends and family?

Photo by Rosie Fraser on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Love Unites

Who’s been waiting for this one? Raises hand. I’m so excited to finally delve into this topic of scorekeeping in marriage.

Did anyone keep boyfriend or girlfriend points when they were dating? This habit is behavior modification for your significant other. If your girlfriend does something good, you give her some girlfriend points. If your girlfriend does something bad, she’s able to use the points that she earned from doing something good so that you can’t get mad at her. Same is true for boyfriends.

Not surprisingly, this concept of keeping score in marriage is not biblical. Love does not keep score. Love does not keep a record of wrongs. Love does not seek to be right, to get even, or to insist on its own way.

My husband and I are both very competitive. Our families love to play games, and for some reason, they think it’s funny to pitch us against each other. People think I’m joking when I say that we will tear each other apart, but I’m pretty serious. In competitions, there is no love. There’s only rising to the top, beating down anyone who tries to get in our way.

For our marriage’s sake, we typically play group games where my husband and I are on a team together. Otherwise, my husband gets his feelings hurt when he loses to me (haha)! But seriously, we dominate when we are put on a team together. With my husband’s ability to think outside the box and quick reflexes, and my book knowledge and uncanny ability to guess when I don’t know the answer, we work so well together as a team. We are both independent and able to plan our own strategies, but we know that we can do better when we work together.

Because of the competitiveness of our world, it’s easy to keep score, to save a spouse’s mistake in your back pocket for when he’s mad at you, to prove that you’re right. However, that is not how God intended for us to live. He created us for community, so that we can work together and get even more accomplished. Scorekeeping divides, but love unites.

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity” (Colossians 3:12-14, NIV).

In this passage, Paul uses the imagery of clothing. In the previous part of the chapter, we are told to put off our old ways and to put on these new attributes described above. My previous co-worker and I would make a practice out of pretending to put on new clothes as we listed each one: compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, forgiveness, love. Love binds all these attributes together. Scorekeeping divides, but love unites.

So, when I am dealing with my spouse, whom I am called to love, I must actively pursue the attributes listed in this verse. It is like getting dressed in the morning, an act that involves taking off my pajamas and putting on my #ootd. When I was in sin, those old habits (anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language) served to keep me in my sinful ways, but now that Christ’s death and resurrection has made me a new creation, it’s time to wake up. I must change out of my lazy pajamas and put on the clothes that show I’m ready to seize the day, confidently walking in the light of the Lord.

We are called by God to deal with others as God has dealt with us. “Forgive as God has forgiven you.” It’s hard to read verses that quote Jesus saying that God will not forgive us if we do not forgive others. He alludes to this idea several times in Scripture. If God has forgiven me from all my sin, why should I not forgive my husband for unintentionally hurting me one time? And if I don’t forgive my husband for ruffling my feathers a little bit, what does that say about my attitude toward God forgiving me for turning my back on Him and messing up so many times? Scorekeeping divides, but love unites.

Do not let bitterness keep you from loving your spouse the way that God calls you to love him/her. Be quick to forgive, talking to each other when necessary. You’ll know when it’s necessary, because you won’t be able to sleep at night. Instead of competing with one another, work together. Trust me when I say that you can accomplish much more together than separately.

Photo by Photos by Lanty on Unsplash