Category: Encouragement

Categories
Marriage

Love is…

The internet has fallen in love with those cute comics that describe what love is. Too often I find one on social media and instantly share it with my husband with the message, “This is SO us!” What these comics have taught me is that love can be defined by various actions, feelings, and circumstances.

Love may look different in my marriage from the way it looks in yours. There’s nothing wrong with that, but it means that we cannot compare our levels of love with our displays of love. Your husband may show love to you by surprising you with flowers, but I shouldn’t say my husband doesn’t love me because he doesn’t buy me flowers. My husband shows love to me by crafting the perfect date night for us.

Lately, I’ve discovered that love is defined differently not only in each couple, but also in each season of marriage. Here is a tribute to my 22 months of marriage using the “love is…” phrases that have described each season we’ve spent together:

When we started dating
Love is telling me that I make everything better
Love is buying me a smoothie when I have my wisdom teeth pulled
Love is walking around Burns Park
Love is unintentionally matching when we both decide to wear orange
Love is sitting and talking in Starbucks until the manager kicks us out at closing
Love is surprising each other with the perfect date night
Love is saying everything through our kisses
Love is being comfortable enough to completely and totally be myself with you

When we got engaged
Love is in the simple things
Love is juggling our time with each side of the family
Love is racing to my side when I tell you I feel like I’m going to throw up
Love is sitting with me and holding me through a panic attack
Love is counting down the hours until I see you again
Love is getting over my ginormous fear of flying when you needed me the most
Love is letting you cry on my shoulder when you hear the news that Papa died
Love is working on our future marriage together

Our first year of marriage
Love is holding your hand and praying on our wedding day
Love is seeing you at the other end of the aisle waiting for me
Love is being surrounded by people but only having eyes for you
Love is forgetting every guy who has ever hurt me, because only you matter now
Love is making room for discomfort
Love is becoming one
Love is cooking dinner together
Love is holding nothing back
Love is listening to me complain
Love is showing me off to your friends
Love is counting down the hours until we can go home from work and be together again

Our second year of marriage
Love is providing for me
Love is making my priorities your priorities
Love is letting me vent and express myself
Love is working overtime so we can take a vacation next year
Love is respecting me and listening to me, even if it doesn’t make sense to you
Love is encouraging me to pursue my dreams
Love is building the foundation for our future together
Love is working toward goals that we have established as a couple

In conclusion, it would be unwise to compare how Lenny shows me love now to how he showed it to me when we first started dating. Ultimately, his feelings for me haven’t changed, and our love is truly based on providing for one another’s needs and helping each other be more of who God wants us to be. We have both grown tremendously, and we’ve learned how to love in different ways.

How do you show love in this season? Is it different from how you were when you were dating or in another season of your relationship?

Photo by Elena Taranenko on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

The Teacher is Here and is Looking for You

Waiting does not come easy for me.  Thoughts rush to my head about what could happen rather than what is currently happening at the moment. I think about all the different scenarios and try to get a plan based on where I think things are going.

Waiting prolongs the process. Waiting interrupts my rhythm. Waiting is not fun.

Jesus had a different perspective on waiting. The story of Lazarus (John 11) serves as a great reminder when I am suffering with anxiety caused by waiting for my plans to produce fruit. In the waiting process, God is growing my faith and redeeming the brokenness of my heart.

Jesus grew the faith of Mary and Martha when their brother Lazarus had died.  He waited four days after Lazarus had died to come visit them. I’ve heard the reason for this is that the Jews believed a soul hovered over the body for three days before going to Sheol. So at this point, Mary and Martha believed that their brother was gone.

When Jesus casually strolls up to see Martha, her response is blunt and honest: “If you were here, my brother would not have died.” Although it looks like she’s reprimanding Jesus for not being at her side when her brother was sick, she is actually exercising great faith in that she knew He could have healed her brother. She also was honest with how she felt. She wasted no time with pleasantries as she expressed her sadness and anger at Jesus’ obvious delay in helping her brother. Jesus has a conversation with her that grows her faith, and as you’ll see later in the story, He ends up fulfilling the desires of her heart.

But lately, God taught me something special about this story, the beautiful news that is for me and for you. Martha went to find her sister. I noticed that Mary, the one who had sat at Jesus’ feet, the one who had chose “what was better,” did not meet Jesus when He came to visit. She was at home. Does that mean she had chores to do, that since Jesus had disappointed her that she wasn’t eager to sit at His feet? Does that mean that she was speaking to those who had come to give their condolences? We’re not completely sure, and I may be reading a lot into it, but she demonstrates a different attitude from how we had seen her earlier in the gospel of John, sitting at His feet and soaking up His words.

Mary is about to hear the news that could melt her heart of stone.

When Martha looked for her, she said: “The Teacher is here and is looking for you.” Jesus, the one who had taught Mary how to trust in God, was looking for her. He wanted her to sit at His feet again. Only this time, He would be teaching her through example.

Even when we are obedient to God, diligent to sit at His feet and learn from Him, He still may have a waiting period in His plan for us. In the midst of our waiting, God is right there with us. The one who teaches us is waiting for us to trust Him. The one who loves us is looking for us as we wander around, waiting for our next step. He is waiting for us to sit at His feet again. He is waiting to grow our faith. He is waiting to do the impossible in our lives.

As we all know, Jesus does the impossible for Martha and Mary. He brings back Lazarus from the dead. Despite their lack of faith, and despite the fact that Lazarus had been dead for several days, Jesus is able to perform this wonderful miracle.

What are you waiting for? Let me encourage you that nothing is out of God’s ability. Jesus, the teacher, the one who wants you to grow from this experience, is here, and he is looking for you. Put yourself in a position where He can find you. Sit at his feet, and listen to his teaching. It is only a matter of time before He will do the impossible in your life.

Photo by Stephen Blenman on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Travel is the Best Marriage Therapy

My husband and I just came back from a weekend in Ohio, just to meet my favorite band, For King and Country! Lenny knew that I’ve wanted to see them in concert since I started dating him, so we took time and money just to have this special weekend together. He found this concert and saw that the platinum package came with a meet and greet. When he asked if we could spend our vacation this year on this concert, my answer was a wholehearted yes!

As much as I tried to play it cool when I met them, my voice went up a few octaves once it was finally our turn in line. I was so excited, not just because they’re a great group, but also because they rarely come to New York, so we had to take the eight-hour drive just to get the chance to see them in concert. The concert itself was wonderful as well. They are a fun group, in addition to the other bands that were there.

Okay, maybe you didn’t catch it, so in case you didn’t, yes, we drove EIGHT HOURS to Ohio and then EIGHT HOURS back to Long Island. We were on the same road for about 450 miles, between three different states. On the long drive back home Sunday, staring at the fifteen trillionth patch of grass in Pennsylvania, I realized how much my love has grown for my husband through this vacation. I felt so close to him, not just because he helped me to accomplish my dream of seeing my favorite band, but because he was all I had on this trip.

Road trips do wonders for your love life.

There’s nothing wrong with our marriage, except that it’s new. As with anything in life, there is always room for improvement. A thriving marriage is one that grows more and more each day, so since we’ve only been married for about two years, it will only get better from this point on.

One way where I personally needed to grow was trust. There is no better way to build trust than to put yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to trust your spouse. Lenny and I drove down a road that had exits every 10 miles (which, for Long Islanders, is basically like saying you’re in the middle of nowhere). If we broke down on one of those streets, we would only have each other. We would have to survive together. I know that is a morbid thought, and probably a little overreacting, but when you have anxiety, these thoughts are pretty normal. You always want to have a back-up plan. You always want to have a way out of the situation in case the worst happens.

As we drove, I realized that I kind of liked being alone with Lenny. We were in the middle of nowhere and we were in unfamiliar territory, but we were together, and that made it special. I truly learned the meaning of “Home is where the heart is” through this time. It didn’t matter how long we were in the car together. We learned to conquer traffic, making our snacks last the whole trip, impatience over driving in Pennsylvania for hours, and waiting for rest stops to stretch our legs, together. Sorry, Pennsylvania, but you’re too big. I still love you, though!

Through knowing no one but Lenny, he became my familiar territory. While having one of the coolest experiences of my life, meeting my favorite band, I was able to share that unique and fun experience with my husband. And, of course, the only thing I said to them was that “This is Love” (one of their songs) was our first dance at our wedding. So if Joel and Luke only know one thing ever about me, it has to do with Lenny. We’re a team.

The long drive also taught us to, as the old cliche says, stop and smell the roses. Pennsylvania was very big, and it took us about six hours to drive through all of it, but it was beautiful. Between every “We’re still in Pennsylvania?” we added a “Wow, what a beautiful mountain range!” We danced to the radio and made fun of the silly town names we found along the way. We learned to take a normally mundane task (driving) and make it fun.

So, on a serious note, I highly recommend taking a long trip with your spouse. See what negative emotions arise as you’re confined to a small space together. Be quick to forgive when your spouse grows impatient from hunger, thirst, or fatigue. Be honest about how you feel, and practice thankfulness and positivity along the way.  After all, in marriage, you are on a journey together.

Photo by Octavio Fossatti on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

How to Speak Clearly and Effectively

Well, I said I’d do it. So here it is, a blog post on how to speak clearly and effectively with others.

Speaking clearly is difficult for me. I’m afraid of how the other person will react, so I usually cover it up with side comments, filler words, and half-truths. I’m not very clear because I want to protect the person in front of me. Little do I know that I’m setting myself up for failure when I have to hurt both of us by eventually telling her the truth.

Being clear is important for those of us who suffer with anxiety because when we have anxiety, we tend to have a problem figuring out what’s going on inside of us. We usually don’t know how to communicate what we’re feeling, what happened, or what symptoms we’re experiencing. Then, when we finally figure out our triggers, it is difficult for us to communicate with those who’ve hurt us, if necessary.

Now, before I discuss how to speak more clearly, it is worth mentioning that communication is a two-way street. There have been times when I’ve said all that I’ve needed to say in as eloquent a matter as possible, only to be met with two blank eyes staring back at me. When listening, here are some things to consider:

  • Be present : Just because you are hearing does not mean you are listening. Instead of getting distracted, be intentional about giving the speaker your full, undivided attention.
  • Don’t listen to respond; listen to understand : You may have a lot to say about what the speaker is telling you, whether to defend yourself or to contribute to the conversation. However, the speaker may have some valuable information that can be helpful or interesting to you.
  • Repeat for comprehension : To make sure you are on the same page, you might want to repeat what you’ve heard. Ask, “Are you saying that…?”
  • Be patient : Let the person speak. It is difficult to communicate from the heart, and if he has to do that, give him some time. Don’t be quick to judge or defend, but truly seek out a healthy relationship.

For the speakers, here is how to speak more clearly and be understood:

  • Write down/rehearse : Especially if you are anxious, write down your thoughts. It’ll help clear your head and find the main idea. For your own benefit, you can write down what you need to communicate and the feelings behind that message. If someone hurt you, why did it hurt you? If you have something important to say to your boss, why is it important to you?
  • Stick to the main idea : It is possible to talk a lot and yet communicate nothing. Remember the point and stick to it.
  • Line your words up with your actions : If you communicate your desires, your boundaries, or your feelings, make sure you follow through with your actions. Parents know this better than anyone. When you take the time to effectively communicate to your children why you are not letting them have dessert because of how they misbehaved, but they give you the teary eyes and you cave and let them have dessert anyway, you are not communicating clearly.
  • Be patient : The listener may not understand right away, but keep trying. Be patient with yourself as well as the listener. Your message is worth saying, and worth hearing.

The Bible speaks against giving a false testimony to your neighbor, so it is highly valuable to communicate as truthfully as possible without sugar coating anything. Overall, be patient with one another. Even if you both speak the same language, you have two different mindsets. Effective communication takes time to learn; that’s why it’s called a skill.

Photo by Trung Thanh on Unsplash

Categories
Book Update Marriage

Make Your Own Dream

When you first get married, you think that you will always agree with your husband. Let’s pop that bubble right now: You’re going to disagree, and it will probably be messy.

I can only speak from a woman’s perspective, but I was taught that my wedding day would be the greatest day of my life, where all my dreams will come true. But it wasn’t. Why? Because my dream wasn’t my husband’s dream. We both had a say in our wedding, so we mixed both my vision of what the perfect wedding would look like, and his, and formed our own special day. That vision required compromise from both of us.

As a couple, you will have to make a ton of decisions together. When are we getting married? Where are we going to live? When are we having kids? How are we going to raise our kids? Whether long-term or short-term, you will have to work together to make decisions on a regular basis.

Currently, our next major decision is buying a house. We still have a couple of months before we can afford a down payment, but we’re taking the time we’re waiting to figure out what we want before we buy the first house we see. We’re finding that our ideas of a dream house are both totally different. For example, I want a big backyard with a ton of lawn space, while Lenny wants to cover our front yard and backyard with cement and pavers! I grew up with a big backyard, so I’ve always imagined our kids running around a safe grassy space (Barefoot, probably, because who doesn’t love the feeling of grass on their bare feet?). Lenny, on the other hand, wants a lot of cars, so he wants to have enough driveway space for his possessions. I’m not saying my way is right and his way is wrong, or vice versa, but that we obviously have a different way of looking at our space.

How are we going to make this decision? Well, like every other decision, here is what we’ve committed to do as a couple:

  • Be clear. I could write a blog post alone about how to be clear. But before you could decide what you both want together, you have to decide what you both want individually. Like my example of finding our dream house, I generally want a space big enough for our future family, but specifically, I know that I want a big backyard, hardwood floors, and an open concept to our house. That’s pretty clear. And Lenny can work with that.
  • Make a list. I love lists! They help to make things even more clear, and they provide a visual. Write down everything you want in your dream house. I recommend making your lists in separate locations (you sitting on your couch and your husband sitting at your dining room table, for example) so you don’t influence each other’s preferences.
  • Circle similarities. Find a common ground. We both want a safe neighborhood and a good school district. We both have the same housing budget. We both have the same location desires. Those are our starting points. Those are non-negotiable. Everything else will have to be discussed.
  • Discuss everything else on the list. For whatever else is on your list, you both need to decide how necessary the other items are. How important is it for me to have a big backyard? If there is a park nearby, can I take my kids there to play instead of using our backyard space? What about for Lenny? If the current driveway is big enough, maybe we won’t need to completely get rid of the grass in the front yard. Regardless, you must talk about each point with your spouse and see how necessary it is.

If you can’t agree, don’t make a decision yet. We need to wait. Circumstances may change our mind over time. Maybe our kids will be allergic to grass, for example. Keep praying and wait it out. Don’t compromise your marriage for any decision. Whatever you do, make sure you put God first, your marriage second, your kids third, and everything and everyone else, last. You can disagree with me, but then we’ll just have to agree to disagree.

Photo by Andre Revilo on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Stop Shaming People with Anxiety

I read an article yesterday about Christians who struggle with anxiety. As I was reading it, one thought came to mind: anxiety is a shameful thing. Those of us who suffer with anxiety face a lot of shame when we act out of anxiety instead of rational thought.

I know what the Bible says about anxiety, what I’m supposed to do. But sorry to say it, sometimes my body does what my mind and soul know it shouldn’t. Didn’t Paul struggle with that in Romans 7? I’m not talking about sin. I’m talking about the fact that when I have a panic attack, I can’t move. I can’t trust. I can’t do anything.

I know I’ll be fine when I go on a plane. I graduated number 12 in my high school class, and I graduated with a 3.9 GPA in college. I’m not stupid. I don’t need statistical facts to get over my anxiety. No matter what I do in my mind, anxiety still comes. Every time I get on that plane, my muscles shake uncontrollably and I start to cry. I don’t need people telling me to stop crying and get over it. All I need in that moment is to be validated, and to feel safe.

From the time I was in high school until I was out of college (approximately 2010-2015), I couldn’t watch any movies that contained any form of sexual contact. Even kissing was out of the question. My friends would roll their eyes as I would hum and cover my face to avoid hearing or seeing anything. When I was alone, any time someone outside of marriage got physical, I would cry hysterically and turn off whatever I was watching. Although it looked like I was just judging premarital sex on the outside, on the inside, I was terrified. Only recently did I discover why I was so disgusted and horrified by people willingly or unwillingly giving up their virginity on the big screen, but at the time, I needed people to love me instead of judge me.

In a situation like that, it would be easy for anyone to shame me. “They’re just kissing, get over it.” “Why do you have to ruin the movie?” “Why can’t you just grow up?” “What are you so afraid of?” I’m thankful none of my friends actually said that, but it was what I was feeling. The voices in my head said it enough.

If you know people who suffer from anxiety, your job is not to fix them. Your job is not to point out the obvious and show them how wrong it is to have anxiety. Your job, if you have one at all, is to walk alongside them. Love them through the pain. Help them to see that they are not alone, because anxiety can truly make you feel like you’re alone.

Anxiety is irrational. Anyone with anxiety can tell you that. Every time I have a panic attack I get so angry at myself because I honestly should have seen it coming. The last thing I need is someone telling me that what I’m thinking makes sense. The worst thing about anxiety is that you know it’s irrational, you know it’s stupid, but your body does what your mind says not to do.

Paul talks about how foolish it was for new believers to think that food sacrificed to idols was unclean. There were people who couldn’t eat food sacrificed to false gods. Instead of condemning those people, Paul encourages the believers who didn’t have this problem to not be a stumbling block. People with a “weak conscience” in this passage were those who used to sacrifice food to idols before they became followers of Jesus. God was working on them, but for those who had already “possessed the knowledge” that God is the only true God and no other god exists, they were charged not to cause their brothers to stumble (1 Corinthians 8).

I believe the same is true for those who suffer from anxiety. Anxiety does not come from God, but it comes from circumstances of our past, before we knew God. While I do not believe anxiety is a sin, I believe that God can heal us from anxiety over time. Until then, we cannot shame people who still struggle with anxiety. If anything triggers anxiety in your friend, from talking on the phone to getting on an airplane, do not shame her. I’ve heard of people being afraid of buttons. Why? It doesn’t matter; my job is to love them. When someone is acting out of anxiety, do not give him statistical evidence. Do not tell her to get over it. Do not roll your eyes.

If you really care, then love your friend enough to help him, not to fix him.

Photo by Caleb Woods on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Check Out My Guest Blog on Inspire Your Marriage

Happy Labor Day to all my fellow workers! I have been blessed these past couple of weeks to have my articles featured on other blogs. This one is on a marriage blog. John Thomas interviewed me about some communication issues I was having with Lenny in the beginning of our marriage. Communication is an ongoing skill that we always have to improve. I thank God that we’ve gotten much better at it. I feel like we are on the same page, and we love each other more deeply through our understanding of each other. Check out Inspire Your Marriage for our story and for more marriage advice:

https://www.inspireyourmarriage.com/2018/08/27/life-example-conflict-in-marriage-by-talking-too-soon/

It’s always nice hearing another perspective on marriage. Tune in next week for more content of how God is working in my marriage with Lenny. Have a great day!

Categories
anxiety

Afraid of Success

In the beginning of the summer, I started my career as a freelance writer and editor. I didn’t sign a contract, nor did I get any sort of salary or benefits. My husband and I made the decision to start my business up from the ground.

Over these last couple of months, I’ve had plenty of doubts. What if my book never gets published? What if no one ever gives me business? What if people hear my pitch, see my passion, and still reject me? What if I never make another dime in my life?

As Sophie writes in Letters to Juliet: “‘What’ and ‘If’ are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life: What… if? What, if? What if…?”

To be honest with you, I’m not pursuing this career path for the money. I’m doing this because I love to write, and you can’t put a price tag on what you love. On a laborious commute home about a year ago, I heard a sermon from Craig Groeschel, during his series “Divine Direction.” His intro wasn’t related to his sermon (it was more of an announcement), but what he said stuck with me. He asked the congregation if they would be willing to keep their current jobs if they were guaranteed $10,000 more. Then he asked if they were guaranteed $20,000, then $100,000, then $1 million. Some people would violently nod their heads in agreement, but to me, the money isn’t worth it if you don’t like what you do. Time is also a valuable resource, and if you spend 40+ hours a week doing something you don’t like (in addition to the hours you spend thinking and talking about your job), you’re wasting your time. I thank God for the opportunity to do what I love, without looking at my salary.

Although my fear of failure is slowly dissipating, these last couple of weeks, I’ve realized that I have a fear even deeper than my fear of failure. I have a fear of success.

I’ve dreamed of staying at home as a writer since I was six years old, before I even knew it was possible. All I knew was that I loved sitting on my computer all day and typing stories. I loved to write, and as God came into my life and changed my heart, I started to love encouraging the hopeless with my writing as well. Given all the enemy threw at me to make me unsuccessful, here I am, in the battle arena, waiting to mount onto the victor’s pedestal.

What if all the hopes and dreams that I’ve wanted to see come to fruition, aren’t as great as I think they’re going to be?

Despite what Shia LaBeouf may say, it often is better for your dreams to be dreams. Dreams can be whatever you want them to be, with no interruptions. Once your dream is voiced, it suddenly clashes with reality, and now you have to deal with the rubber meeting the road, the flying car crashing onto the paved road on the ground.

That is the same for my writing. My dream is to be a published author with tons of books, traveling and spreading hope to my adoring readers, for the glory of God. I want to make a living as a writer. I totally believe that’s possible, but what if it’s not all that it’s cracked up to be? What if my dream isn’t as beautiful and wonderful as I had always hoped?

The joy in this message is that our success is never going to be as satisfying as we expect. God has given us a passion for Him and for His kingdom, for Heaven. While we can enjoy a taste of the blessings He has for us in the next life, nothing on Earth is ever going to satisfy us apart from God. All we can do is work as hard as we can for God, and to pursue the dreams that He has birthed in us. Through prayer and wise counsel, you can find that dream job, and you can be successful, no matter what you do. And you don’t have to be afraid of success or failure.

Photo by Bruno Nascimento on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

My Husband, My Accountability Partner

This week, my husband further helped me to be the person that God wants me to be. God has gifted my husband to see things about myself that I could not even if I looked in my bathroom mirror (that lighting exposes everything!). After a little over three years (of being together), my husband can already see my limits and knows how far he could push me beyond them.

I didn’t want to have my first panic attack in front of Lenny until we had been engaged. At least. But how long was that honestly supposed to last? Really? I had my first panic attack in front of him the week after we made it official. I lasted one week without having a panic attack. Looking back, that’s pretty impressive, but that panic attack definitely wasn’t the classy lady that my boyfriend (at the time) expected me to be. God has shown me that He did not allow me to hide my anxiety from Lenny because He wanted to use Lenny to help me find healing. There is healing in community, when we bring our brokenness to one another and allow them to pray for us and meet our needs. Lenny started doing that for me after a week of dating.

As we’ve gotten to know each other and have shared our hearts with one another, we’ve both pushed each other to be more of who God wants us to be. I’ve gotten to see the culmination of our accountability through this week. Our week started with Lenny encouraging me in my career, which led me to apply for a handful of freelance jobs and to write a couple of prompts on a website I’ve joined. Our week ended with Lenny comforting me on line for a water slide.

I hate waiting on stairs. I was totally fine while we waited on the ground, but once we got to the very middle of the stairs, I couldn’t breathe. I begged Lenny to take me off the line, but I knew he wasn’t going to do that. I could tell he was frustrated with me because I picked the worst time to have a panic attack. I don’t blame him. Although he’s great at calming me down, he’s still human. He was hot, thirsty, and impatient after baking in the sun waiting for a five-second ride. He was not about to hop off the line, so he calmed me down and helped me survive the rest of the trip up the stairs. (Spoiler alert: We made it!)

I’m speaking from my own experience, but I also help Lenny accomplish his goals. Over the years, I’ve encouraged Lenny to apply for his first job, walk for college graduation, and stand up for himself. He has told me on more than one occasion that he would not be who he is today without me.

We not only hold each other accountable as individuals, but also as a couple. We read the Bible together and pray that God would keep us united. The other night, we wrote down our goals we’d like to accomplish as a couple. We attend church together every week, and we attend a small group together during the school year. At our wedding, our pastor had told us that it is impossible for us to be apart when both of our eyes are fixed on Christ. When we have the same goal, to honor God in our marriage, that goal will draw us closer together.

Your spouse is your life partner, your life coach, your accountability partner. While your spouse shouldn’t be your only accountability partner, what better person to have help you grow than the one who knows what your morning breath smells like? Lenny knows pretty much everything about me, even things I don’t know about myself, and as we discover new things together, we learn how to deal with them in time.

Your marriage should improve you and your spouse as individuals and as a couple. If it does not, maybe you can have a conversation about what’s working and what’s not. Start by creating some goals that you would like to accomplish in your individual lives as well as in your marriage. Here are some prompts to get you thinking:
-Where do you see yourself (and your family) in 5 years?
-What would your dream job be, and is it something you want to strive to get?
-What are you going to do to improve your marriage on a regular basis? (eg, date night, joining a small group, praying in the morning, etc.)
-If you don’t have children, when do you want to start a family, and how many kids do you want?
-If you have children, what goals do you have in raising them?

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Categories
anxiety

Choose Your Battles

Since I’ve had to go through some tough love recently, I have some tough love for you, friend:

If you can’t control your anxiety, your anxiety will control you.

In 2014, a dear friend of mine prayed for me and encouraged me with this word: You’re stronger than you think. I have never forgotten that, because it was something I didn’t believe. I think that I’m weak because I have anxiety. But that’s a lie. Anxiety does not have power over me. I am stronger than my fear by the grace of God.

When facing my fears, I choose my battles. There are some fights I’m not willing to engage in, where I let anxiety be my excuse, but there are some fights where I take out my biggest weapon and attack it head-on.

One of those fears is being on stage, being the center of attention. My best friend just got married this weekend. I was so incredibly happy for her, and I was blessed to be one of her bridesmaids. However, I couldn’t shake the fear of standing on the steps at the front of the church, where anyone could be looking at me. Leading up to the wedding, I realized that this fear was totally selfish. This was my friend’s day, not mine. Not a single eye was looking at me during the ceremony, and that’s the way it should be. Instead of letting the fear stop me from enjoying the ceremony, I filled my mind with the reminder that I was doing this for her, and for her and her husband’s commitment to God. By standing up there, I wasn’t just facing my fear; I was displaying to her and to everyone else that I supported her union to her husband and that I believed that God is at the center of their marriage. That is something worth fighting for.

Another one of those fears is flying. My fear if flying is debilitating. Most people get scared going through security, but I’m scared once the cabin door is shut and we have no way out until we land on the other side (even just writing that made it difficult to breathe!). On the flight, I shake uncontrollably, my muscles tense up, and I usually end up crying. Like, ugly crying. However, I love to travel. I want to see the world with my husband and my family. My husband’s family also lives in another state, and we have to fly to see them. When my grandfather was alive, he made a vow that he would never fly because it scared him too much. I cannot and will not do that. So I do whatever it takes to mentally, emotionally, and spiritually prepare myself for the flight. I remind myself that whatever is waiting on the other side of the plane is worth the panic attacks.

Some anxiety is not worth fighting. I don’t go on roller coasters because the five seconds of thrill I’d feel conquering my fear is not worth day-long stress I would feel leading up to the experience. I don’t go on high ropes courses or go bungee jumping or sky diving because I’m afraid of heights; I have given up on the desire to add those things to my bucket list.

When you’re panicking, ask yourself: If I fight my fear, will it be worth it? My criterion for choosing my battle is: Will conquering my fear help me and my loved ones? Choosing to fight against my fear of being on stage helped me to celebrate with my friend and to show my support for her. Choosing to fight against my fear of flying helps me to enjoy God’s creation and to spend time with my loved ones. Although it may take time to fully overcome my fear, chopping away at the wall of fear a little bit at a time will eventually make the wall crumble.

You are indeed stronger than you think. God has great plans for you, and He will give you strength to fight each battle that comes your way. Today, try to conquer fear a little bit at a time. If you need help, reach out to a friend. I’m always here if you need prayer or encouragement!

“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” -2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Photo by Henry Hustava on Unsplash