Tag: love

Categories
Marriage

My Husband, My Accountability Partner

This week, my husband further helped me to be the person that God wants me to be. God has gifted my husband to see things about myself that I could not even if I looked in my bathroom mirror (that lighting exposes everything!). After a little over three years (of being together), my husband can already see my limits and knows how far he could push me beyond them.

I didn’t want to have my first panic attack in front of Lenny until we had been engaged. At least. But how long was that honestly supposed to last? Really? I had my first panic attack in front of him the week after we made it official. I lasted one week without having a panic attack. Looking back, that’s pretty impressive, but that panic attack definitely wasn’t the classy lady that my boyfriend (at the time) expected me to be. God has shown me that He did not allow me to hide my anxiety from Lenny because He wanted to use Lenny to help me find healing. There is healing in community, when we bring our brokenness to one another and allow them to pray for us and meet our needs. Lenny started doing that for me after a week of dating.

As we’ve gotten to know each other and have shared our hearts with one another, we’ve both pushed each other to be more of who God wants us to be. I’ve gotten to see the culmination of our accountability through this week. Our week started with Lenny encouraging me in my career, which led me to apply for a handful of freelance jobs and to write a couple of prompts on a website I’ve joined. Our week ended with Lenny comforting me on line for a water slide.

I hate waiting on stairs. I was totally fine while we waited on the ground, but once we got to the very middle of the stairs, I couldn’t breathe. I begged Lenny to take me off the line, but I knew he wasn’t going to do that. I could tell he was frustrated with me because I picked the worst time to have a panic attack. I don’t blame him. Although he’s great at calming me down, he’s still human. He was hot, thirsty, and impatient after baking in the sun waiting for a five-second ride. He was not about to hop off the line, so he calmed me down and helped me survive the rest of the trip up the stairs. (Spoiler alert: We made it!)

I’m speaking from my own experience, but I also help Lenny accomplish his goals. Over the years, I’ve encouraged Lenny to apply for his first job, walk for college graduation, and stand up for himself. He has told me on more than one occasion that he would not be who he is today without me.

We not only hold each other accountable as individuals, but also as a couple. We read the Bible together and pray that God would keep us united. The other night, we wrote down our goals we’d like to accomplish as a couple. We attend church together every week, and we attend a small group together during the school year. At our wedding, our pastor had told us that it is impossible for us to be apart when both of our eyes are fixed on Christ. When we have the same goal, to honor God in our marriage, that goal will draw us closer together.

Your spouse is your life partner, your life coach, your accountability partner. While your spouse shouldn’t be your only accountability partner, what better person to have help you grow than the one who knows what your morning breath smells like? Lenny knows pretty much everything about me, even things I don’t know about myself, and as we discover new things together, we learn how to deal with them in time.

Your marriage should improve you and your spouse as individuals and as a couple. If it does not, maybe you can have a conversation about what’s working and what’s not. Start by creating some goals that you would like to accomplish in your individual lives as well as in your marriage. Here are some prompts to get you thinking:
-Where do you see yourself (and your family) in 5 years?
-What would your dream job be, and is it something you want to strive to get?
-What are you going to do to improve your marriage on a regular basis? (eg, date night, joining a small group, praying in the morning, etc.)
-If you don’t have children, when do you want to start a family, and how many kids do you want?
-If you have children, what goals do you have in raising them?

Photo by rawpixel on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Love is a Safe Place

Love always protects.

Growing up, I always wanted someone to protect me. Sexual abuse is scattered around our family tree, and although it thankfully has never happened to me, it was something I feared was always right around the corner. I used to have nightmares that someone would climb in through my window and sneak into my room in the middle of the night. I dreamed of the day when I would have a husband to protect me, when I could snuggle him close in the middle of the night, knowing that no bad guy could break through those strong arms.

When I hugged my husband for the first time, listening to his heart beat out of his chest and into my cheek, I knew that I was safe in those arms. His heart was set on protecting me even before we dated. He wanted me for himself, and he wanted me to pursue my greatest dreams. Those dreams began with feeling connected, and feeling protected.

The word used in 1 Corinthians 13:7 paints a beautiful picture of a roof protecting the house from rain. Honestly, tears come to my eyes as I think of how the love in our marriage has protected us from all of life’s storms. Although we’ve only been married for 19 months, we have been through a lot together. From the death of family members to medical issues, from financial strain to work drama, we have covered each other and have built each other up through love. Whatever storms we’ve faced together, the love that we share has kept our faith from wavering, our hearts from breaking, and our souls from wandering.

Love is what covers us when the storms of life threaten to ruin us.

“He will cover you with his feathers,
    and under his wings you will find refuge;
    his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
You will not fear the terror of night,
    nor the arrow that flies by day,
nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness,
    nor the plague that destroys at midday.”
-Psalm 91:4-6 (NIV)

My favorite word picture of God is of an eagle, protecting us with His feathers. He loves us so much that He wants us to be secure. That’s doesn’t mean that we will have a problem-free life, but it means that when the storms come, we have an anchor that will keep us steady through those difficult times. Those who know Christ are completely and totally hidden with Him (see Colossians 3:3). We are protected by His care.

Since we live in an apartment complex, we hear noises all the time at night. The noise from our neighbors is so loud that we sometimes think that they are in the next room. Every night before bed, we pray, and then we sleep soundly. I know that my husband protects me with his love that does not want me to get hurt, and I know that God protects us with his infinite love that knows what is best for us.

Love always protects.

Photo by Christiana Rivers on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Do You Delight in Evil?

Some may think that delighting in evil is simply taking pleasure when they see their enemies get what they deserve. That would be justice. However, when we walk in the way of love, we are called to take up God’s definition of justice. Did God treat us the way that we deserved? As Romans 5:8 demonstrates, Christ died for us when we did not deserve to be rescued. God’s justice, although it doesn’t make sense to us, is what has saved us. That justice should guide us through our lives as we deal with other people, especially our spouses.

Paul warns us against “delighting in evil.” He uses the Greek word adikia, which properly means “the opposite of justice.” Although injustice runs rampant in our culture, and it’s important to fight against that injustice, Christians should be concerned about the justice of God, doing things His way. Delighting in evil is the opposite of rejoicing with the truth (see Romans 1:18). If unrighteousness (adikia) and righteousness (dikaios) were to have a soccer tournament live on television, we should be rooting for dikaios.

I love words, but what do those words mean in plain English? What does this idea of rooting for righteousness look like in marriage?

My dear friend encouraged me in this season to pick one verse that would bring me through this difficult season of stepping out in faith and trusting God. During this time, my husband and I have treasured Jesus’ promise from the Sermon on the Mount: “But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” (Matthew 6:33). Righteousness should be our priority, not just in our marriage, but in every aspect of our lives. The context of this passage is that Jesus encourages His disciples not to worry about any necessity. God will supply everything that we need, if we put our focus on Him first. We rejoice knowing that God is in control, because there is no way we could do what we are doing without His strength and guidance in our lives.

It is easy to delight in evil on a daily basis, from YouTube videos that are insulting but funny (so you have to share it on Facebook), to spending quality time gossiping with your best friend about that co-worker you can’t stand. We have been deceived into believing that connecting with people is more important than godliness. Nobody’s perfect, but if God isn’t first in our lives, we can create a community in the name of godliness that looks nothing like how God intended community to be.

“Anyone who isn’t with me opposes me, and anyone who isn’t working with me is actually working against me” (Matthew 12:30, NLT). Jesus uses these words to justify why he is not of Satan, because he drives out demons. He makes a clear divide between God and Satan, between good and evil, between righteousness and unrighteousness.

Whose side are you on? Would your answer be reflected in what gives you pleasure?

As Christians, we should rejoice with the truth, the righteousness of God. We know this truth by allowing ourselves to be sanctified by God’s word (John 17:17). We know this truth by walking with Jesus, the way, the truth, and the life (John 14:6). When we make a daily habit of reading God’s word and allowing Jesus to guide our steps, we can trust the Holy Spirit to guide us into all truth (John 16:13).

In your marriage, take time to pray with each other, read Scripture together, and invite the Holy Spirit to lead you as a couple. As you interact with each other, God will lead you to make wise choices and to stay away from things that are unrighteous.

“Who is a God like you,
who pardons sin and forgives the transgression
of the remnant of his inheritance?
You do not stay angry forever
but delight to show mercy.”-Micah 7:18

God delights in showing mercy to His people. That is what His justice looks like. In what is your delight?

Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Are You Easily Angered?

Whether you’ve been married for forty minutes for forty years, you know that your life changes the moment you say “I do.” Suddenly, a new wave of everything comes at you. All of a sudden “Mrs. So and So” becomes “Mom” and you’re expected to get along with this new family. You have to move to new places, spend money differently, and (can I say it?) have someone sleeping in your bed. It’s a lot for your heart and your mind to process, and as your family grows and moves and changes throughout the years, you’ll have to reflect on your feelings and how you will respond for your own sanity! Yet, of course, we don’t have time to reflect on our feelings when we have full-time jobs, household chores, mouths to feed, and everything else that can get in the way of making self-care a priority. When we don’t deal with our feelings, our emotions can manifest in anger.

Before we get married, we want to be perfect. We want our future spouses to be perfect. However, God didn’t intend for us to clean up our act before we get married. He wants to use your spouse to help you become more of who He created you to be. “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (Proverbs 27:17, NLT). If we could be perfect apart from community, there would be no need for community. As the body of Christ, we come alongside each other, encourage one another, and admonish one another. That community includes your spouse, especially if you both are followers of Christ.

Interestingly, when I looked up the word that Paul uses for the phrase “is not easily angered,” he uses the word paroxynetai, which means (literally), “to sharpen.” According to Strong’s Greek, the word also has a figurative meaning: “to become easily provoked.” Paul is not saying that you never get angry at the people you love. Rather, he’s echoing back to the idea of patience, reacting slowly when things do not go your way.

When people become easily angered, I believe that the people who anger them have the best of intentions. If your spouse really loves you, he’s not going to try to make you upset. However, sometimes our spouse’s loving admonishment rubs us the wrong way. We may also get angry at our spouse when we need to do the admonishing, when we notice a behavior in them that is not pleasing.

People, in general, get angry more easily around people that they love the most. I believe that we feel safe with the people who love us the most to express whatever feelings we have. Who better to trust than the one who sleeps in your bed every night? In the midst of the in-laws, the moving, the financial strain, the mundane lives, and the busyness, our spouses are meant to be safe people for us to help us process our emotions and deal with the stress.

There are ways to prevent getting easily provoked in your marriage. For those who are being provoked, remember that your husband/wife has your best interest in mind and does not intend to hurt you. If your spouse does something that irritates you, take a deep breath, step away from the situation, and then come back and talk with your spouse about why it irritates you. For those who are doing the provoking, take Paul’s advice in Ephesians 4 and learn to “speak the truth in love” (v. 15). Your spouse may need to be fixed in an area, but you can point something out without controlling them or making them angry. Don’t be like the annoying little brother in the seat next to you playing the “I’m not touching you” game.

As with every attribute of love, God in His infinite love will help you to maintain your anger and irritability. The LORD, who has revealed Himself as slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and mercy, will show you how to demonstrate that same patience, love, and mercy in your own marriage.

Photo by Justin DoCanto on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Patience in Marriage

Hey everyone! I’m back. My book is edited, and I’m now in the process of researching for my book so that I can submit it to a publisher with knowledge of the market under my belt. You thought that writing a book was simply putting words on a page and selling it, but there is so much more than that. Praise God that He has taken a newbie like me and has used me for His glory!

For now, God has called me to write, and that’s why I’m here. I am going to be creating an author website, submitting my book to multiple publishers, and doing tons of praying in the coming weeks, but for now I am going to bring a blog post to you (as promised) on 1 Corinthians 13 displayed in a marriage.

Today is my husband’s birthday. I’m so proud of who he has become and who God is calling him to be. When I met him, he was at the ripe young age of 21, two years shy of graduating college. As God was leading us to a dating relationship, He gave me hope that we would grow together. That young man that was about to be my boyfriend was going to go through many changes in his life, and I was about to have a front-row seat into those experiences. In the three years we’ve known each other, he has changed jobs twice, his faith has strengthened, and his boldness and self-confidence has drastically improved.

Love is patient. When we hear the word “patience,” we automatically think of waiting. It’s hard to believe that there’s waiting after the “happily ever after.” However, marriage consists of waiting, both for your spouse and with your spouse.

Just as I watched my husband grow, my husband has also been so patient with me. I am easily angered (especially after 10:00PM) and my poor husband has had to suffer the brunt of a lot of my outrages. He also lets me vent when I have a bad day and he listens to my stories even while he’s struggling to stay awake. My husband is patient with me. He waits for me to grow and to learn and to apologize. I do the same for him. We also seek to be patient with each other’s quirks, friends and family members, and schedules.

My husband and I are patient with each other right before bed. I covet my sleep; if I don’t get enough sleep, I get short-tempered and depressed. My husband can fall asleep once his head hits the pillow. When we go to bed, we both have different patterns; while I need quiet and darkness to go to sleep, my husband likes to watch videos and read articles on his phone to unwind. In the beginning of our marriage, this used to be a source of conflict for us. But as we’ve learned that we’re two different people, we’ve learned to compromise. My husband makes sure we say our prayers before he goes on his phone so I’m not waiting for him, and I make sure to face the other way and cover my eyes if needed.

I’ve written before about how sometimes we want to change or control our spouses. Maybe your spouse doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you on everything. Maybe your spouse has a short-temper or comes home too late from work. Keep praying for him/her, and ask God to give you patience. God will give you a front row seat into the work that He will do in your spouse’s life.

In marriage, a couple also needs to wait together. You may be waiting to have children. You may be waiting for financial freedom, to finally declare that you are debt free. You may be saving up your pennies to own a house one day. You may be waiting for your children to find their way in the world. Love involves patience, not just with your spouse, but with the people and circumstances that surround you and your spouse.

The Bible says that God is love. God is the only one who can be infinitely and perfectly patient (1 Timothy 1:16). When we want to scream and talk down to our spouses, we can rely on God to give us the strength we need to be patient. When we’re waiting for a season to end, or for a new season to begin, we can rely on God to lead our paths and bring us closer to our spouses through the waiting. May our desire for love ultimately lead us to the Savior, who loves us with an everlasting love.

Photo by Omar Lopez on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

My Husband is Not My Everything

About a year ago, my husband (who was my fiance at the time) woke up with a serious migraine.  He had never had a migraine before, so his mother and I brought him to Urgent Care to make sure he was okay.  The physician gave my husband a shot that was supposed to help his headache, but ended up making him nauseous.  I wanted to be there for him, but I have a fear of throwing up that makes it traumatic for me to even listen to someone gagging.  Knowing this, my husband told me to leave the room because he felt like he was going to throw up.  I didn’t want to leave him.  I wanted to prove that I could be there to support him.  I wanted my love for him to be stronger than my limits.  I wanted everyone to know that I was willing to be my husband’s everything.

But the minute he started to gag, I involuntarily bolted out of the room before he could start vomiting.

The rest of the day, I felt so guilty for leaving him there.  He ended up having to go to the hospital because they couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him.  When I found out, I was on my way to my sister’s house to celebrate Father’s Day with my family.  There was nothing I could do but pray and enjoy my time with my dad and siblings.  Eventually, I did get to see my husband in the hospital, bring him some pizza, and keep him company.

This may be an extreme example, but God used this moment to teach me a valuable lesson: I’m not meant to be my husband’s everything.  God used my husband’s parents, the doctors, and our family members to minister to my husband in a way that I was not able to at the time.

It’s a cute idea to say that my husband completes me.  But do you realize what that looks like?  Just think about what it would be like for my husband to be everything for me.  He would be a mind-reader so that I feel understood, a fitness instructor to motivate me to work out, a literary coach to make sure that my writing is top notch, a pillow for when I can’t sleep at night, my alarm clock for when I want to sleep all day, my chauffeur, my chef, my resume-builder, and of course, the guy that helps me know I’m loved!

So basically, if my husband were my everything, I would have no responsibility, and I would have no need for anyone else in my life.

But that’s not how God created us.

You see, my husband can’t be my number one, because God is my number one.  God is the only One who can complete me.  Colossians 2:10 says that I are complete in Christ.  Second Corinthians 1:3 says that God comforts me when I need to be comforted.  Matthew 22:37 says that I am to love the Lord with all I am first, and then I love others and myself.  The love that I have for my husband is just an overflow of the love that God has given me.  God is love, and I love because He first loved me.

A relationship with God is most important in order to find contentment, peace, and joy in your life.  Only after establishing your relationship with God can you then have a successful relationship with your spouse.  If you try to put your husband first, you will end up looking to him for things that only God can perfectly give you.

An example of this in my own marriage is quality time.  My husband and I spend plenty of time together, but I still get sad whenever he leaves for work or whenever he wants to see his friends.  It’s obvious that quality time is my love language!  When I feel lonely and expect my husband to stay home with me, I take out my Bible or my journal and I pour my heart before the Lord, knowing that He will never leave me or forsake me.

Gaining insight from other people also helps my marriage in addition to my well-being.  I have a small group of women that I can call when my husband just isn’t understanding girly issues.  My husband has friends that understand his love for video games and can just chill with him.  When we spend time with other people, we take the load off of each other, and have more to talk about when we actually do spend time together! (For more information, check out my blog on separation here).

May you be united to the Lord in love and peace, and may your union to Him bring you even closer to your spouse!

 

Photo by India Tupy on Unsplash

Categories
Church

Renewing Your Love for the Church

The usual alarm wakes me up.  It’s the same time I usually wake up for work, except this time, I’m not going to work.  It’s Sunday…time for church.

I want to hit the “Snooze” button, but it’s church.  I can’t skip out on my obligation to show God He matters to me.  Truthfully, what really motivates me to get out of bed is the promise that I’ll be able to take a nap after the service.

My husband and I leave the house a few minutes late.  We have a squabble about the importance of hearing the first song, how it sets the mood for the rest of the service, and if we show up late we’ll not only miss the song but will receive judgmental stares from the congregants who do not want to be interrupted during the first song.  With this new anxiety in mind, we speed our way to church, yelling at cars that are safely driving but are in our way.  We make it into the parking lot on time, but we still have to park the car, get out of the car, walk into the church building, say hello to the greeters, get a bulletin, and find a seat. By the time we get to our seats, the first song is half-way over.  We are officially late to church.

After the usual announcements and the rest of the songs, we sit down, ready to critique the message, hoping it was worth the stress it took to get to church this morning.  The pastor stands up and begins his message talking about Christians all over the world who are being persecuted for their faith.  He looks right at me, as if he knows what I’m thinking, and says, “Praise God for the freedom we have to come to church every morning.”

In the hustle and bustle of the day, in the craziness of my week, I missed the point of going to church.

Needless to say, I made sure I paid extra attention to the message that day!  It was the 4th of July service at our church, and after the crazy week I’d had (conveniently while working at a church during VBS week!) the only thing I wanted to do was crawl back into bed.  I’d confessed my desire to my husband, and prayed that God would change my heart.  I knew it was wrong to not want to go to church, but knowing that did not increase my interest in going to church.

There are a ton of reasons why people (especially but not limited to millennials) are leaving the church in droves.  You can read about those on your own.  Most of them blame pastors/church leadership, and while I agree that pastors should be held to a high standard, completely putting the responsibility on pastors completely takes the responsibility off of everyone else.

My job is to encourage others through writing.  So instead of beating you over the head and telling you to go to church, let me encourage you with some stories that my friends have shared on social media regarding why they call their church home:

“I would have to say the messages of truth. But there is so much more. The warm godly people that I get to call my brothers and sisters. The beautiful worship music we sing to our Lord. The transparency of our church and the dedication of the staff. It is home to me. To Him be the glory in the church.”

“The thing I love most about church is the people. Knowing that people truly care about you, pray for you and want the best for you. I also love being there for others, praying for them, and serving them. There’s no other place like the Lord’s house.”

“This is tough, but I think I’d have to say my pastor. He’s always in the hallway after the service greeting and shaking hands with everyone, and just how real he is. He’s not afraid to speak Biblical truth and he doesn’t shy away from talking about areas in his life where he has failed. Like, he’s honest about his life before coming to Christ and he doesn’t put up a front of having everything figured out. And just his passion for the Lord.”

“My favorite thing about [the church I attend] is feeling at home there. It’s exactly where God wants me to be.”

“What I love about my church is that one member or office is not held in higher regard than the other. We are all servants of Christ and the glory goes to God for any achievements. This is HUGE…The sense of community is awesome. I have so many friends that I do things with outside of church that go to [the church I attend].”

Overall, they feel like home.  They like hearing the truth.  They like not having to compete, to just be themselves, and to feel welcome somewhere.*

Isn’t that what this every broken heart needs?  A place to belong?  A good dose of truth?  A sense of acceptance?

I got saved at the church I attend.  I had many life-changing experiences at the church I attend.  I got baptized at the church I attend.  I learned how to pray, I met my husband, and got married at the church I attend.  It is rare that I have had so many life experiences at my church, especially since I live in a transient area.  Nevertheless, I keep coming back.  God is doing amazing things in His church, and I want a front-row seat to the action!

If you are sick of church, I pray that God draws you back.  Whether it’s the church you last attended, or a church that you’ve never tried before, I pray that you feel welcome, accepted, and loved.  But please, please, be patient as well.  People who lead and serve in churches are broken, imperfect people.  It may take time for you to feel at home.  But if you want hope, encouragement, and guidance, check out what God is doing at the local church near you.

*There was one person who commented on the question I posed on Facebook whose answer I did not use.  This person expressed the difficulty of finding a good church to attend.  Although I did not quote this person’s answer in this article, I believe that this person is also looking for a place to call home, a good dose of truth, and a sense of acceptance.

Photo by Luca Baggio on Unsplash.

Categories
Marriage

Why Those You Love Most Hurt the Most

Why is it so easy to be hurt by the ones who love us most?

Nothing gives me more heartache than hurting or bothering those I love.  This is mainly due to the fact that I unintentionally hurt them.  Sometimes I say things with the purest intentions–making a joke, stating the facts, or relaying a message–and the ones I love leave the conversation confused, angry, or sad.

When my husband hurts me, intentionally or unintentionally, it hurts.  When I hurt my husband, intentionally or unintentionally, it hurts.  We both feel the hurt, whether we’re the victim or the attacker.  When one of us is hurt, there is no victory; there’s just pain that needs to be healed.

One night after a tiny squabble, I lay in bed with my arms folded over my chest and my knees curled into my stomach.  Any touch from my husband would just make me withdraw within myself.  My stomach was turning and my mind was racing.  If I moved a muscle, my husband might try to reach over and touch me.  I didn’t want him close because I knew I was wrong.  As a result of my fear, he was deprived of the attention that he craved.  However, I knew I hurt him, and any interacting with my husband would remind me of my shortcomings.

Those close to us are meant to make us better people by pointing out our shortcomings in love.

I was talking about this idea with one of my co-workers when I first got married.  Why is it that people we live with get on our nerves the most?  He reminded me of Proverbs 27:17: “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” (NIV).  If you look up videos on what it looks like to sharpen iron, a lot of them involve loud noises, fire/coals, and a giant metal object getting all of up in the face of the piece of iron.  To put it in human terms, a person gets in your face and points out your flaws, brings out something ugly in you, and (ideally) helps you deal with your weaknesses.  And who do you trust enough to get that close to us and see us in our most vulnerable state?

Your spouse.

Unfortunately, your spouse will hurt you.  Unfortunately, you will hurt your spouse.  But when either of you feel hurt, you can use it to bring you closer to God and to each other. Pray that God uses this pain to heal and transform your marriage.  Be honest with Him about the severity of your pain or frustration, but trust that God is able to redeem your situation for His glory.  Trust your spouse to speak the truth in love, and pray about how to respond to his/her admonishing.  In the same way, if something bothers you about your spouse, pray about how to tell him/her what you notice in a loving, gracious manner.

Humans were never meant to complete us.  We are all fallen images of perfection, and we unfortunately make mistakes that affect the ones we love.  In the midst of these shortcomings, we can trust that God will never fail us.

Photo by freestocks.org on Unsplash

Categories
Marriage

Separating From Your Spouse

On Saturday, my husband and I did not wake up together.

I told him I wanted to sleep in after not sleeping well this past week.  He, on the other hand, was up before seven.  I knew he was up right away; not only am I a light sleeper, but he was also staring at me sleep!  Grumpily, I commanded him to find a new place to hang out until it was time for me to wake up. I did not arise until two hours later, and by the time I was ready to see him again, he was playing an hour-long game on his computer (his way of relaxing).

So, my husband started his morning playing video games, while I started mine reading a book (my way of relaxing).

Henry Cloud and John Townsend, most known for their Boundaries series, have written much about the four stages of growth: boundaries, separation, distinguishing right from wrong, and maturing into adulthood.  Although I’m not a scholar on psychology or on marriage, I have seen these stages of growth affect marriage as well.

In the beginning stages of marriage, boundaries are essential to making the marriage work.  The couple are so used to being two separate humans that they do not know how to come together as one.  The husband and wife need to establish boundaries within the marriage as well as outside of the marriage to protect their unity.  One boundary that we’ve established is to not talk about our spouse with anyone else without letting our spouse know (even if it’s as simple as “My husband made me lunch today”).  We’ve seen secrets destroy relationships, and we didn’t want to let anyone come in between ours.  Even when I write about my husband on this blog, I let him read it first, so that he does not think I’m telling you things that he doesn’t already know.

As I’ve written in my post about the lovey-dovey phase, in the beginning stages of a relationship, we have these tingly feelings that make it impossible for us to separate.  I firmly believe that God gave us those feelings so that we could establish our unity right from the start of our relationship.  My husband and I, without a doubt, are a team.  Everyone knows that; we’ve made sure they do!

Because I personally had been so protective of our marriage, I had a difficult time letting my husband do the activities he enjoyed before he met me.  We don’t have the same friend group (as much as we enjoy each other’s friends!), and we don’t always have fun doing the same activities.  Since I’d become a Christian, I’d always believed that I would be doing everything with my husband, from waking up in the morning, to going to work, to resting together after a long day together.  But now that we don’t work together, serve together in all the same ministries, or even have the same interests, I’m rethinking what it looks like to be a team with my husband.

If we don’t give ourselves time to do the things we enjoy, we will become bitter and resentful of each other.  If I don’t let my husband play video games to relieve stress, he might get grumpy and see me as a tyrant.  If my husband doesn’t let me write, he might end up as the antagonist in my next novel (that was a writer’s joke!).  If we don’t let each other hang out with our own friends, not only will our friends wonder what happened, but we’ll also feel like we’re trapped within the bubble of our own marriage.  Even if we enjoyed doing the same activities, we also appreciate just taking a minute to spend time alone.  We are a team, we are one unit, but we are not the same person.

Now, I am not suggesting that our goal is to eventually grow apart from each other.  Our goal is to still be a team, while appreciating the differences that we have from one another.  I will never be exactly like my husband, and my husband will never be exactly like me.  The way that God created me, the gifts that God has given my husband, the paths where God has led us both, have shaped us into the people we are today.  We both have different passions that help us each minister to the body of Christ in unique ways.

We can still enjoy activities together, like going for walks, trying new restaurants, and visiting our families.  We can still make mutual friends and spend time with them.  We can still serve together.  But we can also communicate about what it looks like to be separate within the boundaries we have already established as husband and wife.

Categories
Marriage

What’s Better than Lovey Dovey Feelings?

You typically feel those feelings when you’re first flirting with a guy and/or first dating.  If you so much as touch hands without trying, it’s like an electric spark gets sent straight through your arm.  The thrill of the moment is so exhilarating, and all you can think about in that moment is spending the rest of your life with that person.

I truly believe that God gave us these feelings to help us build a foundation of unity early on in our relationships.  If you took away all those mushy gushy feelings you had for your partner, especially in the beginning of the relationship, your partner would be no more than just another human being.  Even if you had the same likes and dislikes, you would probably not want to be more than just friends, and you’d both be OK with that.

But when you have those feelings, you are suddenly attached.  You’re like a duck imprinted on the first person you saw the minute you came out of your egg.  Suddenly, you want to impress this potential mate.  You might lose weight or start working out more. You might start reading to appear smarter.  You might rearrange your schedule so that you have enough time to spend together.  No matter what, your goal is to be united, and to make sure that nothing gets in the way of that union.

I used to be afraid that my lovey dovey feelings would fade.  After all, the lovey dovey feeling was all I knew!  The farthest I’ve ever been with someone (before marriage) was that cute electric stage.  Plus, growing up on fairy tales and romantic comedies, I didn’t know what to expect after the “happily ever after.”  If the “happily ever after” didn’t last forever, what would become of my marriage?  I couldn’t imagine life without feeling “in love” forever with someone, especially my husband!

My husband and I have only known each other for about 2 1/2 years, so our feelings are still in the honeymoon stage.  However, between our married small group, our friends that are married, and pre-marital counseling, we’ve heard the cold hard truth that the honeymoon stage of our marriage does not last forever.  One day, we will “wake up” and smell the morning breath that suddenly doesn’t smell so beautiful anymore.  One day, we will make plans without each other, and may go days without having quality time together.  One day, the veil will be taken off of our eyes, and we will see each other as imperfect, human beings.

I don’t know how that’s supposed to be appealing to anyone.  If that were all there was to marriage, why would anyone want to get married?

I’ll tell you.

My love with my husband is growing.  Flirting is always a mystery, but my husband’s love for me is not.  I never have to wonder if my husband loves me.  Even when we have busy schedules and aren’t able to have dinner together, even when he has a different definition of “quality time,” even when I mess up a meal and try to compromise, I know that at the end of the day, he’s still coming home with me.  And he still manages to give me butterflies by surprising me, spending time with me, and overall making me feel special.

Our love isn’t a lovey dovey kind of love.  It’s a secure, protecting, committed love.  And I’d take that over the spark any day.

If you’re afraid of your feelings fading, remember this: lovey dovey love is a seed that has to die for your committed love to grow into a strawberry bush.  The “honeymoon” love is what helps your relationship take root, but the commitment produces fruit that will sustain your marriage for many years to come.  Let your love grow, no matter the season of your love.